Playing With Fire

My mind began to race at the kitchen table. A mother! God, I couldn't be a mother. I didn't know a thing about parenting. I was only fifteen; a kid myself! It would just be me. Layla wasn't going to have a father or even a grandmother, or aunts and uncles, seeing as how I had no sisters and my brother didn't give a crap about me. I didn't have any money or a house that Layla could grow up in. I hadn't even finished high school yet. I wanted to do so much...go to college, get a good job, get married...

I felt my face turn into a frown as I thought. My forehead creased and I knew everyone would be staring at me. I snapped back to reality for a second, saving my haunting thoughts for later. I saw Kevin and Joe clearing the table, debating over who would get the third bed in the basement that night. Nick looked at me questioningly, probably wondering about my random mood swing. I wanted to touch his face and ease the worry lines from it. I wanted to look into those eyes forever, knowing that they were always going to look back at mine.

But I shook my head and forced myself to stand up. He stood up with me, prepared to go wherever I went, but I put me hands in front of me, telling him to stay. I didn't want him to have any part of this burden. It wasn't his baby.

I left him standing there, almost begging me to tell him what was going on. I made my way out of the kitchen and down the hall to the laundry room. I needed help with this. I had to ask someone experienced. Someone who knew what to do with kids. Someone who understood me - who'd been like my guardian angel since I could walk.

"Mrs. Jonas?" I asked from the doorway. She was folding towels into a laundry basket. She looked so motherlike and peaceful - like she was doing what she was born to do. Caring for her family. She always had a smile etched into her face, but whenever she looked at me, her eyes told me they were fighting back tears. She'd always been the ideal mother. I knew she'd give me the best advice.

"Oh, Kara, honey, come in." I smiled and stepped inside. "Did you get enough to eat?"

"Yeah, it was delicious," I lied. "Need some help?" I knew she'd say no and insist I go rest, so I didn't wait for her answer. I started folding some shirts that were sitting in a basket on the dryer. I couldn't tell which shirts belonged to which boy, but I could tell which ones were Frankie's.

Mrs. Jonas laughed. "It's so nice to have another girl in the house with five boys everywhere I turn," she said. "They go through food and clean clothes like that." She snapped a finger.

I smiled. She looked so proud whenever she talked about them, like they were her most prized possessions. I envied her for raising such amazing boys.

"Mrs. Jonas, I need to talk to you about something." She put down a half folded towel and looked at me. "This whole...pregnancy thing," I said as I cradled my stomach. "I don't, um... I don't think I'm ready to be... to be a, you know, mom..." I ended with a whisper.

"Kara," she said, pulling me into a warm hug. "You have always been like my daughter." She stroked my hair with a soft hand. "This burden that's been brought upon you isn't fair. I know you're scared." She let go but kept her arms wrapped around me. "But you are not alone." She smiled and reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm here for you. This whole family is here for you. Always."

"But I haven't even finished school yet. I don't have any money or a job." Mrs. Jonas silenced me with a stern head shake.

"Kara, you don't think that Paul and I are going to leave you unprotected and unsupported when this baby is born, do you? Honey, you are family. You are staying with us for the next four months and well after labor. You have absolutely nothing to fear."

"But it's my burden, Mrs. Jonas. I can't let it become everyone else's problem. I -"

"Kara, sweetie, you have to let people help you. You have always been a very independent and strong-willed person, but you can't face this alone. Don't worry about the burden. We're helping you because we want to." She smiled. "And we all love you. Very much."

I sighed. She wasn't going to let me argue wiith that. So I just melted into her arms and tried not to worry. Denise Jonas had always been right before. I didn't see why that streak would end now.

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I barely slept that night because Nick and I almost died from laughing at Joe. He was always cracking jokes like there was no tomorrow. I had to wake up early so Mrs. Jonas could take me to the doctor's. Nick wanted to come too. I didn't have a problem with that. It would have actually made it easier for me. But Mrs. Jonas insisted on just me and her.

The check-up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I already knew that I needed nourishment, so no surprises there. Layla was healthy and I could see her in a month at an ultrasound. The doctor didn't want to do it then because the baby was too small, so I agreed on eating more. For real this time.

In the car ride home, Mrs. Jonas told me the family was going to be out and about a lot that day. Mr. Jonas had to take Joe and Kevin shopping for summer clothes and it was June so Mrs. Jonas had to drop Frankie off at summer camp and do some errands.

"But why isn't Nick going shopping as well?" I asked her as we pulled into the driveway.

"Honey, Nick doesn't want to be away from you even for a second. I've never seen him so determined about something." I started to protest, but it's like she read my mind and silenced me. "You are not going to be walking around town like this, Kara. You can barely keep your balance!" She touched my cheek. "I just want you to rest. And eat. Eat a lot." She smiled. "Nick will be there to keep you company and I'll be no more than a phone call away."

Mr. and Mrs. Jonas all left about an hour after we reached home, taking Kevin, Joe, and Frankie with them.

"I left some chicken casserole in the fridge if you get hungry. There's plenty, so please please eat as much as you want, okay Kara?" Mrs. Jonas had said as she raced to pack all of Frankie's camp bags into the SUV. I nodded slowly. ""Okay. And Nick..." she said, turning to her son who was standing beside me. "Look after her, okay?" she whispered anxiously.

"I will, Mom. Don't worry," he told her.

"Okay. I love you both. Be safe!" She hugged us both and got into the driver's seat. Nick and I waved as she drove away with Frankie, knowing that we would have the next four hours to ourselves.

"So," Nick started when we had gotten inside and seated in the living room. "How was the doctor's?"

"It went well," I said, smiling. "I'll be able to see her in a month."

"That's amazing, Kara." He grinned.

"I want you to be there," I told him.

He took a moment to reply. His eyes seemed to twinkle as he considered it. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

I smiled. "Good."

"So what do you want to do?" he asked.

"Anything. As long as you're here, I'm good. I'll even eat."

He laughed. "Good, because my mom will have a fit if she comes home and all the food's still in the fridge." He stood up, grabbed my hand, and led me to the basement.

Nick popped in another DVD and after we each ate a plate of casserole, which was surprisingly delicious, I took my place against his chest.

"You liked the casserole," he said, rubbing my arm.

"I'm just as shocked as you are."

"I want you to know," he said slowly. "I'm really proud of you."

I smiled. "It's only because of you, Nick."

"What do you mean?"

i sat up to look into his eyes, searching my mind for the right way to put it. "You bring me comfort," I said. "When you're around, everything's okay. I'm okay."

Nick smiled at me, but then his expression turned cold. "I wish I could've been there to comfort you five months ago," he said.

"Stop it, Nick." I lay against him again and listened to his heart slowly start to accelerate.

"No, Kara," he said uneasily. "You have no idea how much I hate myself for not protecting you that day."

"What could you have done if you were there, Nick? Honestly. Fight him off? You'd get hurt!"

"Better me than you," he said sternly.

"Please, stop it, Nick. Blaming yourself is only making this worse. You have to know that -" I paused. My breathing stopped.

"What?" Nick said, startled. "That what?" He latched onto my shoulders. "Kara? What is it? Are you in pain? Talk to me, Kara!" He became frantic. "Why aren't you breathing? Do you feel faint?" he asked, feeling my forehead with both hands.

"The baby," I said, "Layla..."

"What's wrong with Layla, Kara? Tell me!" he said, shaking me gently. He was on the verge of tears.

"She - she moved."

I slowly watched Nick's expression transform from horror and angst to complete shock.

"She...moved?" he asked with a low voice.

"Yes." I cradled my stomach with my hands and felt a soft kick against my palm. "Oh, my God."

The feeling was amazing - absolutely breathtaking. I was in awe over Layla's new ability to move. She was big enough now. She was a living being inside of me - a tiny person with ten little fingers and ten little toes and a brain that would soon be filled with knowledge and a heart that would learn to love. She had moved. She had made her presence known in me. It was then that it hit me. I realized the truth. I was going to be a mother and I loved Layla already. A tear ran down my face.

I slowly reached for Nick's hand and placed it where my hand had been, wanting desperately for him to feel what I had felt. His hand was shaking as I felt another tiny kick inside me.

Nick's face lit up.

"That's...that's incredible, " he said.

The baby kicked two more times, this time harder, but painless. Nick's face filled with awe and his eyes gleamed.

I grinned. "She likes the sound of your voice," I said.

He looked up into my eyes, then back down at my stomach. He put both hands on either side of me and grinned. His hands were warm and gentle, and they fit around me perfectly. "Hi there, Layla," he said.

And the baby kicked with joy.