Does Your Lack of Conscience Tell You Everything's Alright?

I lay awake at night. As per usual Jeffery is attached to my back, snoring loudly. I don't think I can take it anymore. I can't stand being here. I want to run away and never come back. Maybe I can make it to my home and tell my parents that they're not safe. Then we can all leave from there and find a new home somewhere else.

But that would require leaving Alex.

I don't even know him that well but I can't help feeling attracted him, wanting to know him.

I don't know what to do anymore. My parents might not even live at that house. It's been nine years. I can't expect them to live in the home that their daughter was taken from.

They always wanted to move and get a bigger house.

Jeffery snuggles closer to my back. I can feel his beer-belly pushing against my spine.

Alex doesn't have a beer-belly.

No, when I hugged him, his stomach didn't protrude at all. Not in the slightest. It was firm and I wanted to run my fingers over it.

Why is it I didn't flinch away from Alex? Why is it I feel the urge to get closer to him?

That’s so abnormal for me. I normally shy from human contact.

But I willingly gave Alex a hug and a kiss on his jaw.

His strong, sexy jaw.

Am I changing? Am I growing up in some way? Maybe my mind is gaining the proper parts it should have at my age. I'm gaining an attraction to a specific member of the opposite sex. He's making me look at death a tiny bit differently.

He's breaking down walls I took so long to build.

Not that I mind much.

I just wish things could be different.

I wish my life could be a fairytale. Then everything would turn out perfect.

But my life isn't a fairytale. It never will be. My life will never be perfect. It'll never end up the way I planned it when I was younger.

I was going to be valedictorian with perfect grades dating back to pre-K.

I was going to go to a normal school during middle school and high school.

I was going to be student body president during middle school.

I was going to join the dance team in high school.

I was going to be captain of said dance team.

I was going to be on homecoming court during my junior and senior year.

I was going to be prom queen for my senior year.

I was going to get an agent for my dance career during high school

I was going to be a Prima Ballerina.

I was going to go to college to become a veterinarian.

I was going to be something great, something my parents could be proud of. They could have bragged about me to all of their friends. But instead of bragging, they go to their friends asking if they've seen their missing daughter.

There's no way they could be proud of someone so stupid.

Tears leak from my eyes and travel down my cheeks, ending their path on the mattress.

They could never love me now.

From the tiny window at the top of my basement room, the stars shine brightly. I stare, taking in the beauty of the night sky. A star shoots through the sky. I close my eyes.

I wish my life would turn out right.

Wishing on shooting stars is supposed to work.

Or it does in fairytales.