Tell Me, What's Real?

The walk home was in silence. My cheeks were flushed and tear-stained, my face hidden behind a veil of hair that disguised my feelings from the boy walking beside me. My heart was still beating like a drum in my chest, the sound of it pounding in my ears like a constant reminder of the way my heart felt empty, the way it felt incomplete. My mind couldn’t stop replaying the moment, the moment when I had let go. The moment when I allowed my weakness to break through, to overpower my senses.

Although my mind screamed at me for breaking down to someone who was still a stranger, my heart could not deny the whole feeling it felt in his arms. In his arms my heart was no longer a half, it was whole again, like the ripped pieces had been mended together by countless pieces of tape, to leave it beating again. And it was. I could hear it in my ears, feel it in my chest. The warmth it brought me made me feel undeniably safe, undeniably content. Though it could not stop the tears that fell, the anguish that still panged with every beat my heart took.

And although I wanted so badly to deny it, I knew in that moment that Jimmy really did mean something to me, that he had become part of my life. No, not as a lover, or anything of the kind, but as someone I found I could trust. Trust did not come easily to me, but in his arms I knew he’d be there. Whether he would be there forever, I didn’t know. I told myself I didn’t care, but deep down, I knew I did. My fragile, selfish heart wanted him to stay with me forever. The same heart that knew that if it lost again, it would shatter into a million pieces. And no matter how much tape, no matter how many arms held me it would not be able to beat again. It would die, along with the rest of my empty soul.

I felt a hand touch my cheek as my hair was pushed away from my face, and tucked gently behind my ear. "Well, hello Sunshine, I didn’t see you there," Jimmy teased, smiling crookedly. I blushed deeply and tried to shake my hair back in front of my face, but Jimmy sent me a warning glare. "Do that and I’ll keep my hand there permanently. Despite their looks, they’re pretty buff."

I bit my lip and focused my eyes on the floor, clenching my hands in fists at my side. I could feel the warmth radiating off him once more, and my heart began to beat happily in rhythm with it, relishing in its security. I felt a hand touch my own and grasp onto it, lacing our fingers together. My eyes widened slightly as my blush deepened, and I pulled my hand away, only to have it grasped onto again, this time stronger. The pattern continued, and each time I looked up at Jimmy to tell him off he would have a distant look on his face, and I would decide not to disturb him. But that did not stop me from fighting back, from pulling my hand back to my body, a frown on my face.

He did not let go. Each time I pulled away he would pull it back stronger, almost threatening me to try it again. Eventually I gave up, but that did not stop the pout that formed on my face. "Jimmy, this makes us look like a, you know, a c-couple," I whispered softly, blushing as I looked down at our hands.

Jimmy looked down and grinned, squeezing my hand. "You should be honoured. Thousands of girls would kill to be in your position," he teased, grinning goofily at me.

I pouted, trying to pull my hand away. "Well let them do it," I muttered grumpily, the pout never leaving my face. "I don’t want it." I knew it was a lie. Even my mind, as opposed as it was to the contact, could not deny that the warmth it brought my body made my heart settle and the tape holding the pieces together tighten.

I felt a drop of water fall on my head, shocking me slightly, causing me to glance up at the sky. Another drop hit me in the face, and I frowned. "I think it’s starting to rain," Jimmy said quietly, stopping to join me by looking up towards the darkening clouds.

In that second the sound of thunder boomed and I found a smile etching its way onto my face, as I felt the soft patter of rain falling rapidly onto my body, dampening my hair. It was the rain. It was back.

The rain began to fall faster, and my smile widened. Grinning, I pulled Jimmy by the hand into the middle of the road, before letting go and throwing my hands into the sky with a short cry. I laughed loudly, spinning in a circle slightly, relishing the feel of the water licking at my skin, and the wet hair that stuck to my body. And for a second I could hear her voice as if it was in my ear, as if she was there beside me. "The rain is made for dancing, Izzy," it seemed to whisper, its laughter tickling my ear. "Dance, Izzy. Dance with me."

I smiled and looked around, expecting her to be beside me. And for once, I didn’t care that I couldn’t see her, that she wasn’t there. Because I was here with the rain, and I could feel the happiness bubble from within me, filling my senses. And when I heard the laughter from beside me the happiness began to grow higher, happiness that I hadn’t felt since her death. So I took his hand and pulled him further, letting out another shriek of laughter that had been bottled up for what felt like years. And together, we danced.

Jimmy tried to hold my hand again on the way back. I pulled it away. The moment we had shared together with the rain had been fleeting, although the smile never left my face. Or his.

The moment I opened the door, I could sense that something was wrong. The warmth that Jimmy had brought had disappeared, leaving behind my cold, beating heart, and the pain that constantly sat there. I was brought back into reality, away from the rain, away from the warmth.

The soft whimper of sobs filled my ears and I felt my heart yearn, for I recognised who it was. The same voice that had whispered for me to dance what felt like hours ago. So without a second thought, I began to climb the stairs quickly, stopping when I stood outside my room.

Leslie lay rolled on her side, placed cautiously on top of the bed, the blankets thrown around her. Her back was faced away from me, but I could almost feel the tears that fell from her eyes, the pain that rippled through her heart. "Leslie?" I murmured, my voice aching with pain.

She let out a whimper and I walked over to the bed, crawling onto it so that I was behind her. I reached out to her and touched her gently on the arm, and she let out a louder sob. "What’s wrong?"

She rolled over and her eyes met mine, and I could see their puffiness and the stains that ran down her pale cheeks. "I miss him, Izzy. I just miss him so much," she croaked, the tears falling silently down her face.

I frowned and reached out to caress her cheek, just like she had done to me. "He’s missing you too, Les. I know he is."

She nodded slowly, sniffling loudly, her tears dampening the pillow that lay beneath her head. "I want to be with you both. Why can’t it be like that? Why did I have to die?" she whispered brokenly, shaking her head.

I smiled softly and pulled her to me, feeling a tear leak from my eyes. "Stay with me, Leslie. Stay with me forever," I murmured, the tears beginning to fall faster. "He’ll wait for you, I know he will, but I need you. Stay with me."

Leslie pulled me to her body, giving me a watery smile. "How I wish it were that simple."

"Why isn’t it?" I asked, frowning slightly. "If you can be here, can’t he be too? Because you need him? That’s a rule, isn’t it?"

Leslie shook her head, reaching her shaky hand up to place an errant strand of hair behind my ear. "No, Izzy, he can’t. He has to wait for me to reach him, then we can be together."

She started crying again, loudly, and it took all of the strength in my not to join in. Because for once, I had to be the strong one. She was breaking, and I had to be there. I had to be her rock, like she was mine. So with that in mind, I pulled her against my body, wrapping my arms around her waist. "It will get better, Leslie," I whispered, a lone tear falling down my face. "It will all be ok, I promise."

But honestly, I didn’t know if I could keep it. Leslie smile softly and her eyes fluttered shut, tears still leaking from her eyes. "Go to sleep, Leslie," I whispered, giving her a weak smile. "It’s time to go to sleep."

So for what could possibly be the last time, I fell to sleep at her side, feeling comforted with her arms wrapped tightly around me. I fell to sleep with a sad smile on my face, a final tear escaping my eyes and falling gently onto the pillow.