Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

Zane went through the motions of living the next day, but he wasn’t really there. He tolerated the radiation therapy and laid in his bed all day. At first even I didn’t know what had changed in him, and I had access to his every thought.

As dinner approached, I realized that he regretted telling Aaron to come eat with him. He was worried that Aaron would only make it harder for him to live his last days in the hospital.

When Aaron walked into his room with Monopoly and a small box of pizza, Zane felt guilty. He instantly remembered why he liked the kid. Aaron glanced dramatically behind him before he closed the door. He beamed at Zane and exclaimed, “My mom got us pizza! I begged her to. I figured you’d be as sick of hospital food as I am.”

Zane couldn’t help but smile back at the likeable boy. “You’re awesome,” he admitted. “Thank your mom for me when you go back.”

Aaron nodded. “I will. I also brought Monopoly, just in case you don’t want to talk much.”

I was shocked at Aaron’s openness, but Zane was only relieved. He wasn’t sure yet if he wanted to have a real conversation with Aaron. In the end, Aaron’s innocence and frankness roped Zane into one of the deepest conversations he’d ever had.

They spoke of simple, petty things while they ate the pizza: school, food, sports, and other activities. While they were playing Monopoly, though Aaron began to touch on more substantial things.

He handed Zane the fake money he owed him and prodded, “Last night, on the roof, it was really cold, and you weren’t wearing a coat. Why did you get so mad at me for asking if you were cold?”

Aaron’s question was so innocent that Zane couldn’t help but tell the truth. “The cold makes me numb. I prefer being numb to feeling.”

“Does the treatment hurt you?” Aaron asked sympathetically.

Zane smiled wryly at his ignorance. “No, my head had actually hurt less since they started treating me. I’m talking about the kind of pain on the inside.”

Aaron frowned. I don’t think he was as ignorant as Zane thought. As if to prove my point, he confided, “You mean sadness. I know sadness very well. It’s the feeling I get when the doctors tell my mom something, and she cries. The feeling I get when I think of what it’ll be like for her after I’m gone.”

Zane looked distressed. He knew he thought like that all the time, but he didn’t want this boy to have to consider approaching death. “After you’re gone?” he echoed.

“I have a cancerous tumor in my back,” Aaron explained. “They can’t remove it with surgery because it’s so twisted around my organs. The chemo is a last resort, but it isn’t working.”

They were both silent for a while. I marveled at Aaron’s ability to pull such honesty and emotion from Zane.

“At least you’ll have someone to miss you; someone to remember you,” Zane pointed out. “When I die, I will disappear. I will be forgotten.”

“There isn’t one single person who will remember you?” Aaron inquired skeptically.

“Not anymore,” he said firmly. “I made sure of it.” Even as he spoke, he knew it wasn’t entirely true. Just because he’d made Mara go away, he hadn’t assured that she would forget him.

Aaron heard the uncertainty in his voice. “You want someone to forget you, but you don’t know if they will,” he guessed. “Who is it?”

“I had a girlfriend,” Zane began, making my mouth drop open. How had Aaron made him so forthright?

Aaron interrupted him quickly. “You had a girlfriend?”

Zane nodded and opened his mouth to continue, but Aaron cut him off again with a flurry of questions.

“What is it like? I’ve never had a girlfriend. What did you do together? Did you kiss her? Did you love her?”

Taken aback by all his questions, Zane was suddenly reluctant to continue. This was obviously a touchy subject.

Aaron saw his hesitation and begged, “Please, you have to tell me what it’s like. I’ll never get to have a girlfriend.”

Zane sighed, knowing he couldn’t let the poor boy down. “Okay, I guess. It’s difficult to have a girlfriend, but with Mara, it was worth it,” he admitted.

Aaron quickly latching himself to Zane’s every word and asked, “Is she pretty?”

“She’s gorgeous,” he assured him, and I felt a little jealous. “More beautiful than anyone I’ve ever seen.” For a second, he remembered my face: his illusion’s face, and wondered if what he said was true. But then he shook the thought from his mind. I smiled smugly.

“What did you do together?” Aaron asked.

Zane hesitated. “Well… I’ll be honest with you. We did a lot of drugs. If you live, don’t follow my example. Drugs are bad,” he instructed sternly, but he was smiling.

“And you kissed her?”

Zane snorted. “Yeah, and more than that.” He looked at the shocked expression on Aaron’s face and remembered who he was talking to. “Crap, that was too much information. Don’t tell your mom I told you this stuff.”

Aaron shook his head. “So, you must’ve really loved her.”

“I do really love her,” Zane agreed. “But I had to make her leave.”

“If you still love her, why did you break up with her?”

“I couldn’t stand to let her watch me die,” Zane told him. “I want her to get over me as soon as she can.”

“I don’t understand,” Aaron replied. He was too young to understand that sometimes love wasn’t enough to keep two people together.

Zane sighed. “Isn’t it hard for your mom to watch you die? Don’t you wish you could stop her from seeing you suffer?”

Aaron frowned and looked away. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I should ask her to leave.”

Zane looked at the confused expression on Aaron’s face and realized that he was not helping him, but hurting him. He was angry at himself for getting out of hand. “Look, I shouldn’t have said any of that to you. It’s different in your case. I must be getting tired and grumpy.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Aaron asked.

“Yeah,” Zane admitted, “But come back for dinner another day. I really do like you.”

Aaron gave a short smiled, collected his unfinished board game, and left the room. Zane felt a burst of angry hatred enter his bloodstream, and he couldn’t get rid of it.