Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

I’d told Zane I’d tell him something to prove I was real. “I can’t,” I realized. I was already breaking the rules. His life wasn’t in danger now; I’d saved him. For a second I wondered if my task was complete and I would go to heaven, but somehow I knew there was much more he needed saving from.

“I knew you couldn’t prove it,” he said, hiding the disappointment in his voice with callous.

“No, I could,” I assured him. “I just have to go now.”

The fear that overcame him was unsettling. He grabbed at my arm and begged, “Wait. Don’t go.”

I didn’t bring up that a minute ago he had insisted I leave him alone. Instead, I told him gently, “I have to. It’s the rules. If your life isn’t in danger, I can’t let you see me.” Regretfully, I let myself slip from his vision. The hand that had grasped my arm so firmly fell to his side.

He stood up and scanned the roof desperately, trying to find me. When he didn’t see me, he didn’t give up. He looked at the spot my eyes had been; where I was now. It was a strange sensation. I saw him looking straight at me, and at the same time – through his eyes – I saw him looking at nothing.

Zane spoke levelly, as if he could still see me. “If you don’t come back, I will kill myself.” And he meant what he said.

Just like that, he’d found the loophole to the arrangement. As long as he meant what he’d said, I had to allow him to see me. If I didn’t, he would jump off the roof again, and he would see me when I saved him anyways. Again.

He was pleased with himself when I came back into his view. He even smirked; he thought he’d outsmarted me. In a way, he had. I hadn’t thought of this loophole, but I was just as happy as he was to use it against the rules.

“Now prove it to me,” he commanded.

I frowned. I would have to do this carefully. I chose my words precisely. “I know something about someone you know that can easily be proven,” I started vaguely. “A few days ago, someone you know was admitted into this hospital.”

“Why? Who was it? What happened?” Zane shot at me, concerned for the person, even though he didn’t yet know I was talking about Mara.

Don’t worry. The person is completely okay and alive. They’ve most likely gone home by now,” I assured him, but it didn’t help. Faces and scenarios flashed across his mind. “They accidentally overdosed on drugs. I promise they’re fine.”

“Just tell me who it was!” he yelled, so I did.

“It was Mara.”

He was running. Running down the stairs, through the hospital, down to the first floor. “Zane, wait!” I cried, but he ignored me, and I had to follow him.

He finally got to the counter on the first floor. The nurse standing there looked at the panting boy like he was crazy. “Can I help you?” She asked, unsure of what else to do.

“I need to know if someone is in the hospital,” he stated clearly. “Please, can you tell me if Mara Foster is here?”

As the nurse checked her computer, I put my hand on Zane’s shoulder and said, “Please, Zane, I told you she was okay.”

He shrugged away from me. He was thinking that whether I was real or not was the least of his concerns at the moment.

The nurse saw his strange movement and said uneasily, “No, she’s not here. She went home yesterday.”

He stared blankly at her, trying to decide how to feel. He was so confused. Should he be glad that Mara had gone home? Should he be worried about her? Should he try to forget her? Should he feel glad that I’d proven myself real?

“Should you be in your room?” the nurse asked him. She had to repeat her question two more times before Zane acknowledged her.

“Probably,” he admitted. He turned on his heels, and I followed him as he walked to the elevator. He was grateful that no one else was in it. He steadied himself on the railing attached to the side of the elevator as he punched in the number to his floor. He refused to look at me or think about anything until he was back in his hospital and sitting on the bed.

Finally, he looked at me, but he didn’t know what to say. He was still thinking about Mara. He recalled the hurt expression she wore when he broke up with her, and then he remembered hurling himself off the hospital. He was convinced that whatever had happened to Mara was his fault.

I met his gaze and told him, “It was not your fault. What happened to her was an accident.”

“You don’t know that,” he whispered.

“Don’t tell me what I do and don’t know,” I replied darkly. “I know everything about you. I know everything about myself. And I know a hell of a lot about your girlfriend.”

Curiosity distracted him from his worried. “How do you know so much?”

“I’m your guardian angel,” I told him. “I have been since the day you went to Nate’s party with Mara. I know everything you think and feel.”

He swallowed and echoed meekly, “Everything?” He thought about what he’d done that night.

I winced and said, “Yes, everything, But that’s besides the point.”

“What is the point?” he inquired. “Why are you here?”

I smiled at him. “Well, I’m supposed to be protecting you without your knowledge, but I had to blow my cover to save you. Now I’d say you’ve effectively forced me to stay where you can see me.”