Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

That afternoon, Zane ate his dinner under my watchful eye. Then, when night fell, he did try to sleep. He just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t that he was worried I would disappear. In fact, he was quite convinced that I was real. That was part of the problem. He kept thinking about something, remembering that I knew what he was thinking, and wondering what I thought about his thoughts. His mind circled endlessly in a frustrating, sleepless pattern of thinking that I hated.

Finally, he gave up and realized his insomnia was probably just from his radiation treatment. Even then, acknowledging it didn’t help his fall asleep.

I watched him worriedly as the hours ticked by. This was the second night in a row that he’d gotten zero seconds of sleep, and it really worried me.

When the nurse brought him breakfast, he gave up. He waited for her to leave before he said hurriedly, “Arianna, I tried. You know I tried.”

I nodded. “I know. It’s not your fault.” I touched his hand and then let go.

Before he could stop himself, he wished I hadn’t let go. He instantly dropped his gaze from mine and looked at his food, embarrassed to admit what he’d thought. Intent on forgetting it, he started to eat. But the more he tried not to think about it, the more details he recalled, like my soft hand and the way his skin had tingled after I let go.

I felt embarrassed too. I felt like I was intruding when he thought those things. “I’m sorry,” I apologized.

He laughed nervously. “You know it’s not your fault.”

I smiled at our odd exchange. No matter how strange, I liked the direction it had taken.

After his radiation treatment, Zane checked on Aaron. He was sleeping again, and his mother said apologetically, “I’m sorry. He asked for you last night, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

Zane shrugged, grinning ruefully. “I’m not always sleeping at night. I haven’t slept in a few days, actually.”

Julie’s eyes looked sad. “You poor thing. Next time, I’ll come see if you’re awake. But if you want to come at around five today, I’ll have to wake Aaron for dinner.”

“I’ll be here,” Zane promised. He laughed darkly to himself. “I don’t have any other plans.”

Even though Zane didn’t notice, I saw the pity in Julie’s eyes as he walked away. I couldn’t read her mind, but her feelings were clear. She knew Zane was alone and felt bad for him.

As Zane and I sat in his room that afternoon, his mind kept wandering to Mara. I waited helplessly while he devised a well thought out plot to manipulate my rules once again. Although I knew what he was doing, I couldn’t stop him.

“Arianna,” he finally said sheepishly – almost guiltily – when he was done. “I need you to check on Mara for me.”

I sighed. “I think–”

He interrupted me, “I know what you’re going to say. It’s against the rules, blah, blah, blah. Well, I need to know that she’s safe, and that’s the only way you can keep me safe. I promise you if you do not go check on her, I will do whatever it takes to end my life now.”

I knew he meant it, so I needed to talk to him carefully. “Zane,” I began.

Once again, he interrupted me. “Please, let’s not waste the time arguing about it. I already know what you’re going to say.”

All my caution evaporated into my fuming anger. “No, you don’t know what I’m going to say,” I exploded. “I know what you’re going to say. If you could shut up for two seconds, maybe you would know what I’m going to say.”

He gaped at me. I’d hurt his feelings. I think I was so angry at him because he’d hurt my feelings too by forcing me to go check up on his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t like how he was acting like he was in control of me, when it should’ve been the other way around. But I sighed, because I knew I wasn’t being fair.

“Zane, I’m sorry, but I am your guardian, not your slave. You may be able to manipulate the rules and use me as your slave, but it will not help you in the end. As your guardian, I think you should check on Mara yourself. Call her.”

He looked at me with so many mixed emotions that it even gave me a headache to try to sort them out. “I can’t call her,” he resolved confidently. “No matter how much I want to, I can’t. She can’t think that there is hope for us.”

I met his gaze sorrowfully. Zane and I were two very different people. I knew there was no hope for him and me, but I still pursued it. “I don’t want to leave you here alone,” I admitted.

“I know, I don’t blame you,” he allowed, “but I need you to do this for me. If I know she’s safe, I’ll be able to move on.”

“You’ll never stop loving her,” I told him. “You can’t just make that go away.”

“You’re right, but I need to be able to move on. I can’t die knowing she’s going to live in pain all her life.”

I bit my lip and wondered if I should voice my troubled thoughts. What if I went to Mara and found her damaged, depressed, or worse? “Zane, you want me to come back and tell you she’s okay?”

“Yes,” he pleaded. “Please?”

“What if she’s not?”

He was silent for a long time before he said, “Then you have to do everything you can to make her okay. Do your best, and then come back and tell me the truth.”

“I will,” I promised, but I knew I would lie to him if I had to in order to keep him alive.

I got up from beside his bed and said, “I’ll never really be that far away from you. If you need me, just call.”

He nodded, and I walked to the door. I tried not to do it, but I had to turn around and look at him one more time before I left. He’d already closed his eyes, and he thought I was gone. My heart felt broken at the thought of leaving this boy I loved. It was truly unbelievably hard to walk out the door, make my way to the roof, and spread my wings.