Save Me

Dearest Mom,

I’m not sure if you can see me right now, or if you even know that I’m writing this but it was something Zacky told me to do and that’s why I’m doing it.

I’m scared mom, I really am. If only you could see the pain that monster of a man you left behind has been causing me. If losing you wasn’t hard enough for me, I had to endure the sick antics of that terrible man – he’s definitely not the loving husband and father you left behind.

So maybe you’ve seen it all, maybe you haven’t. Dad’s been arrested and jailed, God knows how long for but I quite frankly couldn’t give a damn what happens to him. I hope he rots in that tiny cell of his – forgive my language.

I ran away and eventually found myself a new family. 5 men that promised to take care of me, to give me the life I’ve not been fortunate to have yet. But I guess everybody breaks promises. And here I am now, in a care home full of hormonal teenage boys and disgusting little girls. I’ve been here for 4 weeks and I’m sure you can sense how much I hate it here – to tell you the truth; it’s no different to living with Dad.

Zacky told me that you’re looking down on me, protecting me. Why doesn’t it feel like you are mom? I miss you so much; please just help me this god-damn once.
Forever loving and missing you though, keep rocking up there in heaven.
I’ll see you soon,
Your Roxy.

I took the lighter from my trouser pocket and carefully lit the corner of the paper. I watched as the flames lit up the space around me. My entire body glowed tints of orange, red and yellow as I dropped the paper into the empty trash can below me. I smiled approvingly as the smoke floated higher towards my mom.

For a moment I felt content and peaceful. All my cares had simply vanished for the time being and I felt closer to my mother than ever before. I took in a deep breath and the scent of ash filled my lungs, I coughed a little although I quite enjoyed the smell that surrounded me.

I jolted forward, stepping in the trash can and extinguishing the fire as someone pushed me hard. I turned round to see probably the one person out of all the idiots in this dump that I would least liked to have seen.

“Go away Jared.” I mumbled, locking my stare onto the grey particles on the floor. A few pieces of paper were still slightly ignited, flickering a vibrant shade of orange every so often.

“Go away Jared.” He mimicked into my ear in a totally irritating voice that sounded nothing like my own.

“Do you lack brain cells as well as maturity?” I snapped, stepping well away from the annoying boy.

“You’re such a bitch Roxanne, get the picture – nobody wants you here!” He replied just as aggressively as my previous comment, if not more.

“Do you actually think I want to be here? You idiot” I scoffed, turning my back and walking away.

I was stopped in my tracks when he grabbed my right arm tightly and whipped me back round to face him.

“Of course you want to be here Roxanne.” He looked at me flirtatiously.

“Let go of me you jackass!” I said trying to wriggle free from his tight grasp.

His dark hair fell over his face and his brown orbs stared deep into my eyes. His look sickened me and I could feel my stomach rapidly fighting back the heaving sensation that I could feel building up through my oesophagus.

“Do you know what I do to people who talk shit to me?” He spat, grinning sadistically straight at me.

Still fighting back the nausea, I shook my head.

“Oh good, let me show you.” He laughed satanically and took my left arm into his grasp also and pushed me hard against the wall.

I wriggled hard, trying to break his hold but it was much too hard for my brittle bones.
“Jared let go, what the hell are you doing?!” I was shouting now but he masked my shouts by moving his head in to connect his lips with mine.

I squirmed and tried to push him away but I just couldn’t compete with the force he was pushing at me with. My blood turned cold as I felt his hand slowly creep up my top and explore my upper body as if it were a new toy on Christmas.

I had a sickening feeling of Déjá vu as I recalled the vile things that my dad had done to me and I started to sob quietly whilst wriggling around like a fish out of water to try my hardest to get away from this disgusting boy.

Nothing I was doing helped me to get away from Jared. I was sobbing hard but with one last push I managed to separate his mouth from mine.

“Jared please stop, I don’t want you to do this!” I mumbled through sobs. He just laughed hysterically and ventured his hand down my abdomen towards the top of my trousers. The blood totally drained from me as I felt him undoing the button to my trousers and then my zipper.

That was the final call; I took a deep breath and kneed him as hard as I could in his precious crown jewels. He keeled over, releasing his hands on my arms and directing them to the area which required his much needed aid. I took the opportunity to run, tears streamed down my face and my trousers stayed undone until I’d got to my bedroom.

I slammed the door shut and pushed a chair under the handle so nobody could get in, especially not… him.

Ever since Zacky left my life had been utter hell. I hadn’t and don’t think I ever will settle into the care home/madhouse I was staying in. It had taken me four weeks to actually feel up to writing the letters which Zacky had suggested I did and that idea had already been ruined by Jared tonight. Welcome to my life.

I hastily stripped down to my underwear so that I could get out of the clothes that Jared had so nearly become my father in disguise and threw them into the furthest corner of my room. I pulled on my Vengeance University top and took in the scent of Zacky which I was so familiar with. I’m glad to say that it calmed me down so much when I was stressed or upset.

Zacky left for tour 5 weeks ago, a week before I was put into care but he’d got in touch with Lara, my social worker to find out the address of where I was staying to. I was pleasantly surprised by the mailman one day when I opened a parcel that contained the cologne that Zacky wore on a regular basis and a small note alongside it.

I reached into the bedside cabinet and retained the small note which I had hidden in a special place so nobody else in this dump could find it. I smiled as I opened it up, reading it for what must have been the 100th time since I received it.

Hey Rox,

It’s only me. I managed to contact your social worker who forwarded me the address you’re staying at!

We’re in Britain right now on the 3rd week of our European tour. I found a shop which sells the cologne I wear which is totally rad. I thought you may like a bottle to keep me in your thoughts always! :)

I hope everything is going alright for you and you better be keeping your promise to me. No matter how scared you are, don’t be afraid. We’ll always be with you in your thoughts. Oh and Brian, Jimmy, Matt and Johnny wanted me to mention to you how much it sucks without your company!

It saddens me to inform you that I haven’t received any of your ash letters yet, if you’ve written any! But I hope to receive one soon!

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t regret leaving you back in Cali. Wish you were here sweetheart.
Love always,
Zacky.

I curled into the foetal position on my bed and pulled the note tightly into my chest. I began to sob quietly, taking in the smell of Zacky’s cologne and letting the tears fall gently onto the note in my hands.