Seventeen and Invincible

“Do you forgive me?” I whispered, breaking the silence that had fallen over us about twenty minutes ago. “Do you forgive me for what I tried to do?” He looked up from our hands, focusing intently on my facial features.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You were sick, Ani. You were depressed; you needed help. You don’t need to apologize—there’s nothing to forgive.” He squeezed my hands and reassured me. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I should be the one apologizing—I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“It was my choice, Gar,” I whispered. He nodded and used his thumbs to draw circles on my palms. He nodded and his eyes got glassy.

“I know it was.” He stopped drawing circle and he laced our fingers. “I know it was, but it shouldn’t have been.” He unlaced our fingers again and looked down at the floor. “I should’ve done something, Ani. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“Garrett,” I whispered. “Garrett you didn’t let anything happen. It’s all me. It’s all my fault. I’m a horrible person and I just don’t want to live like this anymore. Garrett, this isn’t your fault.” I shook my head and tried to squeeze his hand, but I just didn’t have the strength. “You didn’t do anything.”

Mia and John were standing outside of the glass room and they’d been there for the last few minutes, but I guess they decided against disrupting mine and Garrett’s moment. Their clothes were covered in what I could only imagine was my blood—and there was a lot of it. I’d almost done it. I’d almost succeeded. If only I’d cut just a little bit deeper…

“Anika,” Garrett whispered, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Ani, I was so afraid that I’d lost you.” I nodded and cried with him. “If you were gone, I don’t know what I would’ve done.” He shook his head and looked down at the floor.

“I know, Gar,” I sighed.

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I’d woken up in a glass room. I’d thought for sure that I was dead; after all, that had been my intention. I’d thought that maybe I was finally free.

When I’d realized that there was a beeping heart monitor in the corner and an IV in my arm, I was quite disappointed. I’d also realized that the only word I could form, all that would fall from my lips as my eyes opened, was ‘Garrett.’

When I’d woken up I wanted to cry. I was still here. I had failed at something else. I had failed at killing myself. I’d failed at life.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” his voice pulled me from my thoughts.

I didn’t even think about how it would affect anyone if I died. I really never considered that they cared enough. Mia and John were perfect and in love and on and off again. Garrett was always making it into a fight. I was always reacting horribly. Everything was just falling apart. Garrett and I were both leaving.

It was all just over.

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“Anika,” he sighed again. “Ani, you scared me so much.” I nodded and tried again to squeeze his hand. I tried to say sorry, but I couldn’t form the words. I shouldn’t have been sorry, but I was. I was sorry for hurting him.

“I know, Gar,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry,” I choked out. “I’m sorry, Garrett. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just thought that everyone would be better off without me, y’know?” He shook his head, squeezing my hands in his again.

“None of us would ever be better off without you, Ani. You make all of us better. You bring people together. We wouldn’t be okay without you.” He sighed and looked at our hands and back at me. “Mia and John are downstairs,” he paused, still unaware they were actually right there. “She was hysterical and his voice cracked when the doctor came to get me. No one would’ve been okay.” I didn’t agree, but I let him say it anyway.

“But I’ve hurt everyone so much,” I replied, my voice breaking. “If I hadn’t insisted that John talk to Mia, she wouldn’t have gotten hit; she wouldn’t have lost the baby. If she hadn’t miscarried then John wouldn’t have spent weeks freaking out. And you,” I whispered. “I don’t know how you don’t hate me, Garrett.” I tried to think of what to say.

“You,” he whispered, “I could never hate you, Anika. You are my best friend. You mean so much to me.” He stopped and looked away. “I lo-eed—I need you.”

“You don’t need me, Garrett.” He shook his head.

“I do though,” his eyes met mine. “Without you I act like an asshole. I freak out. I need you here.” I shook my head, refusing to believe him.

“You need to let me go, Garrett,” I sighed, tears finding their way into my eyes. “You need to let me go, because I don’t want this life anymore.” He shook his head fervently.

“No, Ani, you can’t say that.”

“No, Garrett, I can. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore, Garrett.” He shook his head and his eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to live, Garrett. I don’t want to,” my voice cracked. “I don’t want to fight. Please, just let me go.”

“No, Anika, you can talk to someone. You can get help. You don’t have to feel like this.” I shook my head. “You don’t have to feel broken and unloved, because you are loved. We all love you. If you weren’t here who would Mia have gone to? Who would I drag to the diner all the time? Who would I ditch my family to see when I came home? Who would actually have the strength; the nerve to hold me when I was upset? Ani, you’re my best friend, and I need you more than anything.”

I shook my head and whispered a broken and tired, “you don’t really need me.”

“Anika, please, get help. Please, promise me you’ll get help. Get help, for me. Please, please, Anika. I should’ve gotten you help a long time ago. I should’ve made sure you talked to someone.”

“Please, just let me go,” I cried. “Let me go.” He shook his head, and stood, crawling into the hospital bed next to me. His arms wrapped around my waist, trying to calm me. His chin rested on my shoulder. His hands still holding mine at my side, somehow. “Garrett, just let me go,” I whispered.

“No,” he shook his head. “And the more you beg me to let you go; to leave you alone, the more I’ll resist. The more you ask me to let you go, the tighter I’ll hold you, okay?” I shook my head. “You aren’t alone, Ani. You aren’t too broken to be repaired, you can get help. You don’t need to fight—that’s what I’m here for, to fight for you when you can’t.” I shook my head and he pulled me closer, arms wrapped tighter and his hands squeezing mine with more force than they had been before. “You don’t have to fight. It isn’t a war, sweetie, it isn’t. You don’t have to.”

“What am I supposed to do when you’re touring and I’m on the other side of the world, Garrett? Who’s there for me then?” He moved his head, burying it in the crook of my neck. “Who will make it seem okay if only for a few minutes?” He shook his head.

“We still have technology, and I swear, if you don’t want me to go, I won’t. If you need me, I don’t care what anyone says, I’ll go with you. Just please, Ani, don’t give up. I know things suck, and I know it isn’t easy, but you shouldn’t feel like this. You shouldn’t have to.” I shook my head and relaxed into his embrace.

“Just let me go,” I whispered. “Please, just…”

“No,” he whispered softly, “I won’t. I refuse to let you go. I’m sorry, but I won’t let you go.” He kissed my collarbone and added, "I''m too selfish."