Seventeen and Invincible

I cried and kicked and screamed and begged. I punched and yelled and swore and pleaded.
Garrett wouldn’t let me go.

His arms just wound around me tighter and he buried his face deeper into the crook of my neck. His tears just clung tighter to my skin and they just found their way deeper into the crevices of skin on my neck.

He didn’t understand. I just wanted to be gone. I didn’t want this broken, useless, remnant of a life.

“Garrett,” I whispered and he responded with a muffled ‘mhm?’ I rolled my eyes and shivered at the feeling of his breath on my skin. “Gar,” I said softly. “Gar, I need you to understand that I need to go; that I can’t live this life anymore.” He shook his head and buried his face even deeper, kissing my collarbone as he moved. “Garrett,” I whimpered.

“No,” he said gently. “Don’t you realize that this is where you belong?” His skin against mine was driving me nuts again. The way that his breath tickled my neck when he spoke; the way I was so carefully tucked away in his embrace. “What do I have to do to make you happy again? What do I have to do to bring back my best friend?” I shook my head and felt myself relax and fall into his protective grasp—I didn’t want to, but that didn’t stop me.

“She isn’t coming back, Garrett, she’s too far gone,” I whimpered, the physical and emotional pain washing over again and taking hold; suffocating me; asphyxiating me. “I’m sorry, Garrett. I’m sorry. If you hate me, I understand.” He shook his head and held me tighter still—I’m certain that his arms must have gotten sore from holding me so tight.

“I could never hate you,” he whispered so low that it was almost inaudible. “I could never, ever hate you, Anika.” I couldn’t stop the tears and I couldn’t stop the pain. It started somewhere deep inside and radiated out to every limb and appendage. The pain was captivating. “Please, Anika,” he pleaded, “Shh, honey, come on, calm down.”

“No, Garrett. Please, make it stop,” I cried. “Just make it all stop, Garrett.” He rocked me back and forth and whispered meaningless and encouraging words into my ear. “Garrett,” I sobbed, “Please, just let me go. It hurts. It hurts so much.”

“Where does it hurt? What hurts?” he asked softly. “What is so painful that you’d rather die? Ani, what could hurt that much?”

“Everything hurts, Garrett, everything. Nothing feels right anymore. I’m not happy and I feel like I’ll never be happy again.” He didn’t show any sign of responding. He just lay there at my side holding me close to him. “I just want to be happy, Garrett,” I whispered, tears running down my cheeks.

“I just want you to be happy--I want to be able to make you happy again. I miss you.” He inhaled sharply, “I miss you so much. I miss seeing you laugh and smile and sing. I miss seeing you have a good time. I wish I never had to see you with tears in your eyes again, unless, of course, they were tears of happiness.” He paused and let the quiet wash over us for a moment. “I just—I just want to see you smile again.”

“I don’t think I remember how to be happy. I don’t remember what it s like,” I sighed tiredly.
“Of course you remember,” he whispered, lifting his head. “Just think. What about the first night we spent at the lake? What about when you were younger?” He stopped to think and tried to continue. “What about the first time you walked across the floor on toe shoes? I remember how happy you were. You welcomed the cuts and blisters, you were so happy. Or when we all went ice skating in 9th grade and you wouldn’t let go of the wall?...”

“I was laughing like a maniac until I fell and sprained my wrist,” I laughed a little. “You and Mia kept trying to pull me away from the wall,” I smiled.

Winter break of freshman year a bunch of us had gone with Mia’s family to Boston to visit her aunt. She didn’t have any cousins her age in Massachusetts so a bunch of us substituted. We’d gotten to go to an ice skating rink for a reason other than to cool off, as it was warmer inside the New England rink than outside. We had gone sledding outside after it snowed. We had enjoyed the cold weather and carefree vacation time.

“Just think of that week,” Garrett whispered. “Anika, just think of the times you’ve been happy. We’re all here for you.” He put his head back down into the crook of my neck and exhaled.

“I want to be able to, but it’s so hard,” I whispered. He nodded and I closed my eyes, drifting into a comfortable sleep that I prayed not to wake up from.

---------------------♥--------------------

I woke up. I woke up and shut my eyes again almost immediately. The day light hurt them and made them water more than they already did. Waking up again wasn’t in my plans. Seeing the sunlight again wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted to just cut that final string holding me to the earth. I wanted out of this life.

I tried to move, but there was a pair of arms wound around my waist, holding me where I was. There was a very familiar face buried in the space between my neck and my shoulder, and his drool and the remnants of last night’s tears were lingering uncomfortably. But I didn’t have the heart to wake him up—to push him away. As much as I didn’t want this life, I wanted him. If I had him in my life then I guess it was tolerable.

“Morning,” he mumbled, his arms tightening around my waist, his head moving from it place on my shoulder. His lips brushed against my jaw and a small smile crept across my face, despite my current emotional state.

He could sense the smile and feel the heat creep up my cheeks, so he rubbed his chin and mouth across my cheek to wipe off the drool. “Ew,” I laughed, “Garrett, that’s gross. You’re gross.”

“I made you laugh though,” I smiled a little more. “And smile. There’s that smile that I’ve missed,” he laughed. “I knew it would come back someday,” he said jokingly. I rolled over to face him, and I buried my face in his chest, the corners of my lips still curled up into a smile. “I knew you’d smile for me sometime. I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, Ani. Forgive me? After all, I am pretty stupid.”
I nodded, inhaling his scent—a scent I’d take with me wherever I went.