Suffocate

"What are you thinking about?"

I'd only been awake for about twenty minutes, still curled up in Jacob's bed. He lay next to me, gently playing with my hair. I stared at him. "I'm thinking about a few different things," I whispered. "This baby, my dad, you. I'm thinking about going to my mom's for a weekend or something."

Jacob closed his eyes, and then kissed my face. "I ... really, really love you."

"I love you, too." I brushed my fingers over his cheek, and smiled. "Do you want to come with me to my mom's?"

*

"I hope it's a girl."

The tires were humming quietly in the background, partially covered up by the soft music that came through the speakers. Sam had given Jacob a week off in lieu of driving down to Portland, something I was probably more excited about than I'd like to admit. I hadn't seen my mother since last year, when I ran.

Jacob looked at me. "What?"

"I hope we have a girl." My hands were folded over my belly; I hadn't been able to take my mind off of the baby. "I want to put ribbons in her hair and put her in pretty little dresses, and I want to get her a whole bunch of little dolls to play with." I sighed, and looked out the window. Jacob grabbed my hand, and squeezed it gently. "I'm so scared, Jake."

"Me too."

I listened to the hum of the radio. The drive itself was only a few hours, but it felt like it had only taken one hour. We drove by Julia's house, and by the time that we had pulled into my mom's driveway, I was almost panicking. Within the last two days, I've told Jacob that I was pregnant and been hit by my father. I ran away from home (again), and was now in my mom's driveway in Portland, Oregon. It was all a big blur of motion.

With a heavy sigh, I forced myself out of Jacob's Rabbit and ambled towards the front door. "Hey," Jacob called, and caught up with me. "Don't look so terrified. It's just your mom."

"Yeah," I sighed, "but she doesn't know."

He paused. "Oh."

"Yeah." We stepped up onto the porch. I pressed the doorbell, and then swatted Jacob's arm away from around my waist. From inside the house, I could hear bumping and then the door opened. She looked ragged, like she hadn't slept or showered in days.

"Baby doll," she whispered, grinning. I smiled back at her, and opened the screen door so that I could throw my arms around her neck. "Oh, baby, I missed you so much," Mom said into my hair.

"Me too, Mama."

I squeezed her, breathing in her smell and memorizing it. She'd started smoking again, but there was still the heavy scent of the sweet pea lotion that she put on every day. We hugged for a long time, before she pushed me away and gazed at Jacob. "Oh, my goodness. This is Jake?" Jacob blushed, and held out his hand. Instead, Mom hugged him. "You're even more handsome than I imagined, and I was imagining someone really handsome."

"Thanks," he said, his face burning red.

"Well, come inside! Ignore the mess. I would've cleaned up if I'd known you'd be visiting." Mom lead the way into the living room, which looked exactly how it did a year ago. The floral couch sat opposite us, facing the other side of the room, with two chairs on either side of it. Pictures of me were still hung up on the walls, ranging from infancy to right before I moved.

I looked at Jacob, and he caught my gaze. His eyebrow raised, and I nudged him in the side.

"How long were you two planning on being here?" Mom looked antsy, hopeful.

I sighed softly, quite content with the atmosphere... for the moment. "Well, I was hoping to stay for a couple of days, but if you --"

"No, you're staying. That's that." Mom looked at me, then at Jacob, and sighed dreamily. "You two are so beautiful together. It's so refreshing.

I felt at home again.

*

"Just throw your stuff into the spare room for now, kids. We need to go downstairs and have a little chat." Mom squeezed my shoulder before disappearing downstairs. We were standing in the upstairs hallway, trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. I didn't care either way - whether we sleep in separate rooms or the same. Jacob stared at me with a weird expression on his face, taking a seat on the guest bed.

"She's excited," I said, walking towards him. He ran his hand through his hair and then yawned.

"It's just really interesting to see where you get all your quirkiness from. I no longer have any questions about it."

I punched him in the arm, which made my knuckles tingle a bit. The carpet felt weird under my toes, seeing as I'd never really been in the spare room before. Mom had it on strict reserve at all times, even when I was still living with her. The only time anyone was allowed in here was when we had guests or were cleaning it. The air was dusty now that we'd thrown stuff in here, and the smell was a little overwhelming.

"I love you," I whispered, leaning into him. "Thank you for coming with me."

Jacob kissed my face. "I love you, too."

"Kids! Come down here, please!" Mom shouted up the stairs. I groaned, and pivoted to make my way into the hallway. Jacob grabbed my wrist and pulled back into him, though, and kissed my lips. It sent shockwaves through my body and I shivered. Almost two years of being together and he still gave me goosebumps. Wow.

I still had my eyes closed when I pulled away from him. "Do that more often," I said.

"Definitely. We should go downstairs now."

I looked at him, and rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine."

Mom was sitting in one of the arm chairs when we descended. The television was turned off and that was when I knew this was serious. She didn't appear upset, or angry. Could she know? Already?

"I spoke to your father last night," she began. Oh, she knows. "He told me a little bit of information that I really don't know how to take." Mom looked at me, her eyes boring through my body, like an x-ray machine. "Is it true?"

I scatched my head, trying to decide if I wanted to beat around the bush or not. "Is what true?"

"Is there a baby?"

Jacob exhaled, and kept his eyes low. He'd avoided the subject as much as possible, even when it was just the two of us. Every time I tried to bring it up, he'd give me a nonchalant response and then change the subject. It was starting to irritate me, actually. I stared at my hands for a moment, then at Mom. "Yes," I answered. "Yeah, there is."

Mom contemplated this for a moment. "And are you going to keep it?"

At this point, Jacob looked like he wasn't even breathing. "We haven't talked about it much," I said, stretching my shirt forward. "Not really at all, actually."

"Huh. I suppose you have a little while to decide. Just... sweetie, please be careful. I really want you to be sure this time." I inhaled sharply, and looked at Jacob, whose confused gaze was directed at me. "Don't make any decisions you'll end up regretting."

Mom caught on to my discomfort, and stopped talking. My heart was going to break, I knew that for sure.

"We should all get to bed, then," Mom said, standing up from the couch. "It's been a long day for the both of you, I bet. I really don't care what you decide to do for sleeping arrangements. Just don't make too much noise when you go upstairs."

She left. Jacob and I looked at each other. "'This time?'"