Her Flux

It is strange how words remain in one’s head and no matter how hard Erica tried, she couldn’t just push them away. Everybody was worried about her and their concern grew with every minute she kept silent. She never told anyone about the man in the darkness. How could she? His words were clear: someone close to her would be the one to betray her. Now, when she looked into the eyes of the small circle of people that surrounded her, it made her wonder… Who was the one that would wish her ill? But, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t just point a person out. These were people that she grew up with and grew close with. These were people that were isolating themselves so at the end of the day she could be safe, hence the thought that maybe, just maybe that man, whoever he was, had lied.

The night before the last day of the year, for Erica it was a sleepless one. She sat on her bed, her legs curled up against her chest and her hands resting on her knees. The window to her room was open and the weak moonlight that managed to break through the cloth of gray clouds fell on the floor in front of her. The smell of snow and the cold air reached her bare foot, making her shiver. She kept looking at the heavens, memorizing the traveling and shifting forms of the clouds. Her thoughts were a blur of dreams, events and feelings. What would it be the view like from up there? Is someone looking back at her? Thinking of it now, it wouldn’t be bad to leave her daily routine and find out. She could heal and help people. But, could she really leave everything and never look back? She knew that she did not wish to leave without her close ones. Selfishly, she just wished to be Mrs. Nathanial Balfour and nothing more. She wanted to cry, but her eyes were dry. She wanted to release everything she kept inside, but she did not find a way to do it.

Suddenly, the door creaked and she turned around. Ever since that night she feared that the man might return, but he never did. Even now, it was not him. Candle light met her eyes and it lit Nathanial’s features on fire. He was wearing a light blue banyan with only a shirt underneath and a pair of breeches. He closed the door behind him quite quickly and stood there looking at her with a half-smile and a half-hesitant look. “Are you awake?” he questioned her. She only nodded. He put down the candle and brought up both his knees on her bed. He pulled her into his embrace. “You are cold,” he said his eyes traveling to the window. “Why is your window open?” He jumped off immediately and closed it. He hugged her once again, rubbing the exposed skin on hands.

“I wanted some fresh air.”

“Erica, fresh air is one thing, getting a cold is certainly another.” He pulled back her covers and motioned her to lie down.

“Why are you here?”

“Um…I can leave,” he took a small step away.

“No, no,” she pulled his hand. “Stay.”

He grinned, caressing her cheek with the back of his fingers. “I could not sleep. I kept thinking of you and…” he sighed. “Tomorrow night.”

“Would you like to…” she avoided his eyes. “Lay next to me?”

He chuckled. “All right,” he said and took off his banyan, before sliding in next to her. He blew the candle out and pulled the covers over the both of them. Then he pressed her back against his chest. She grabbed the hand that he coiled around her arms and held it between her own. The room fell dark and silent for a moment.

“I am afraid,” Erica’s words cut the silence like a knife. Nathanial opened his eyes but he could only see her hair. He dug his face into her neck and sighed, his warm breath sending shivers down her spine.

“I am here,” he said. “And I always will be.”

Apparently his words did the trick, because for the first time in a while, Erica fell in a deep slumber.

But when the sand fell from her eyes that morning and she woke up, the spot behind her was cold and empty. The candle Nathanial had brought with him the previous night was still there, which indicated that he had probably left after dawn. She got up quickly and dressed fast, before heading downstairs. As she walked down the staircase, she could hear voices from the sitting room.

“Good morning Erica,” Addison greeted.

“Good morning mother,” she replied her eyes landing on Lord David. “Lord David. Pleasure seeing you again.”

“Likewise my dear. I was just telling you father about how I got drowned in inquiries about you. You left quite an impression,” Cecile entered, carrying a tray with hot tea. “Why thank you Cecile,” he took a cup of tea and leaned back in the chair. “It was an event that fed the gossipers appetite for the next few months.”

“Good things I hope,” Erica said.

“Oh yes my dear, though there were rumors that you had a rather passionate argument and broke the courtship with young William Everingham.”

Thomas laughed. “It was quite interesting really. With her shyness, I never thought she had it in her.” He enthused.

“Thomas,” Addison raised her eyebrows in a warning way.

“Oh come on Addison. Dare and say that you are not a bit thrilled to have the Everinghams out of your hair.”

“Well,” she giggled. “Maybe a bit. Who informed you Lord David?”

“Actually Nathanial mentioned it to me the same night.”

“Speaking off, where is he?” Erica asked and received a silence as her answer. Her eyes wandered from face to face, but everyone was avoiding her gaze. Finally, Addison put a hand on her knee and sighed.

“He left,” her words were so simple and yet so heavy, they made her throat clench.

“Where?” She managed to ask. Addison looked at Thomas for a second, her own face pained.

“He is on his way to London as we speak,” Lord David answered running his eyes over her brooding face and watching as her eyes fell down to her hands that were curled up in fists.

“But why?”

“He did not give a reason Erica. He just left a note early this morning apologizing for not having the decency to say goodbye and he left in such a hurry, most of his belongings are still here,” Thomas answered as he stood up and knelt in front of her. Her lips were set in a straight line, but he could tell she was trying hard not to cry. She felt as the place in her chest where her heart used to be had turned into a painful void that sucked every tinge of strength in her body. As she stared in the identical eye color as her own that filled her father’s irises, the only image she could see was Nathanial’s face. Was this the betrayal the man in the dark was speaking off? Had she interpreted the meaning behind his words wrong when he mentioned the betrayal from a loved one? She couldn’t concentrate on that, especially not with four set of eyes watching her and expecting her reaction.

“But he will return? For his belongings?”

“I do not know my dear. Nathanial rarely does this disappearing act. The last time he did it was when his mother was pressuring him to court lady Dupont. The boy is so afraid of losing his freedom, he is prepared to run to the end of the world if necessary,” Lord David huffed taking a sip from his tea. “Uh, hot.”

“Oh,” she mouthed the second she could trust her voice. “Well then… I guess I should think of something else to do, seeing as how Sir Balfour is no longer a resident here,” she said and stood up, pulling her father up with her. “If you will excuse me,” she curtsied and turned to Cecile, who was looking at her wide eyed. “Cecile I am quite hungry, would you mind?”

“No, of course not.” As soon as they both left the room, Cecile grabbed her hand and spun her around. “Child, are you all right?”

“Where is Vilemina?” she tried to avoid the question.

“She is out somewhere, what do I know. Oh my poor child.”

“Please Cecile,” she whispered. “I do not wish to cry here.”

It was true. She did not wish to cry in front of her parents. They hadn’t the slightest idea of the saccharine promises Nathanial offered her when he stole kisses from her. And there was also the promise of the previous night. God! Those sweet short words turned out to be just whispered lies. Deep inside she knew that Nathanial was reluctant to marry, but she thought he had changed. She thought she had changed him, but she found herself to be sorely mistaken. She felt so disheartened and so alone at the moment, that not even the embrace from the one she considered to be her second mother could offer any comfort. The siege of her heartbreak debilitated her completely. And if last she thought that she’d already cried all the tears she had, she was in for a rude awakening. The tears that came now were much more painful and they choked her in a way she did not even think was possible. They burned along with the crack that made her heart break. And until the sun went down, they did not stop for he had not returned.

Firewood cracked in the chimney and candles burned through the darkness that covered the kitchen. Addison sat on the table watching as Erica pulled the needle in and out of her little tapestry. She had been at it all day, the thing was almost finished. The girl was long done and the boy’s clothing and hair were already wrapped in colorful threads. The only thing missing was the boys face. She could see her daughter struggling with it and not because she did not know what to do next, but because there were tears in her eyes she tried to hide. In the weak candle light they shined as stars in the sky. “Perhaps you should go to bed,” Addison advised.

“I am not tired. And I have to stay awake. Midnight is not far away.”

“Yes I understand, but why not lay down for half an hour and I will make sure to wake you up,” she insisted.

“Actually Addison,” came Cecile’s voice. “I have so many dishes to wash and Vilemina is off God knows where, I could use Erica’s help. If she does not mind getting her hands dirty and help an old lady.”

“Of course not Cecile,” Erica rose and put the tapestry down, before grabbing an apron. Addison sighed and was about to say something when three loud knocks were heard. They turned their heads towards the back door and from the steamy glass a tall male form was visible. Erica’s heart jumped a little along with her hopes. Nathanial. She was the first one to run to the door and open it, Cecile and Addison following right behind. A gust of cold wind and few snowflakes hit her body along with disappointment. It wasn’t Nathanial, though the surprised feeling was still there.

Arthur Beckwith.

His breathing was heavy. He had been running. His black hair was wet and half colored in white as were his clothes. “Arthur,” Cecile gasped. “For goodness sake get inside or you’ll freeze to death!”

“N-No,” he breathed but entered. “I-I do not ha-have time. You do not have t-time.”

“Arthur,” Erica approached helping him sit down but he refused. “Is Deidre all right?” her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh no do not tell me they captured her again.”

He shook his hands still trying to capture his breath. Cecile handed him a glass of water he took and drank in a second. “Please you have to listen to me.”

“We are. What is-” Addison tried.

“Erica you have to get out of here quick. They are after you,” Arthur said pulling her towards the door, but Erica refused to move.

“They?”

“The council that made up the mob from last time. Erica,” he stopped and looked at her gravely. “They think you are a witch.” Addison clasped a hand over her mouth and held onto the table for support.

“What is this? Did you have anything to do with this?!” Cecile shouted.

“Would I be here if I did? She saved my sister and I am forever grateful. I am here to return the favor,” he retorted.

“He makes sense Cecile, calm down. But how did the council found out? What happened? Who told them?” Addison asked trying to figure out what to do.

“I do not know the details, but I was in the tavern moments ago when I heard that same man that was leading the mob last time speaking with another one. He was telling him that someone had come to his office this morning and spoke of Erica as a witch. He was told that tonight at midnight, they would get their proof,” Arthur elaborated. “I came through the same shortcut from the forest as last time and if you could get us some horses we can be out of Clun in a matter of minutes. Deidre is waiting for us at the other side of river Clun.”

All Erica did was listen, her body frozen. Nathanial couldn’t have been the one? Could it? What good would it do him if she was hanged or even worse… burned? Did he not love her? The mist around the betrayal that man spoke of was starting to clear up.

“Hold on young man,” Addison pushed herself off the table and stood in front of him. “You are not taking my daughter anywhere without my husband’s consent. Wait here Erica and you too Cecile.”

“Where are you going?” Cecile asked.

“To find Thomas,” she replied as she ran into Vilemina. “Get off my way Vilemina!” she shouted pushing her aside and ran out of the kitchen.

“What is going on here?” Vilemina asked as she eye lined Arthur with disdain.

“Where were you?” Cecile asked getting a hold of Erica and helping her sit down.

“In the stables, helping papa with the horses. Where else? Who is this?”

“This is the brother of the girl Erica saved over a month ago. He says someone accused Erica of being a witch and now all of Clun is after her,” Cecile answered, her speech rushed and muffled from fright. Vilemina’s jaw fell and she shook her head.

“But how did you-”

“Luckily,” Cecile continued. “Arthur heard on time and is here to help us. Now if only Addison could find Thomas already. Oh dear Lord. Why do you submit us through so many misfortunes?”

Meanwhile, Addison was running through the mansion like mad shouting her husband’s name. She ran all the way up in their bedchamber, tripping on her dress all the way. She burst through the door and found Thomas writing something on a piece of parchment. “Addison? My love what is the matter?”

“Come quickly Thomas! Arthur is downstairs and he says that the council is after Erica. They think she is a witch. Someone told them about tonight. We have to take her out of here this instant!”

Thomas stood up and ran to her side. “Of course let’s go. Where is she?”

“In the kitchen,” she said impetuously and reached for the handle. “She is with-” she stop in mid sentence when she realized that the door won’t budge. She pulled and pulled, but still nothing. “It is locked. Thomas this door is locked!” She shouted, crying now.

Thomas pulled her aside and tried it himself. “What in the name of…Bloody hell!” he pulled again with more force this time, but the door was still locked. “Who would do this? OPEN THIS DOOR!” he shouted and slammed his fists on the wood. “CECILE! ERICA!”

But their bedchamber was so far away from the kitchen. His shouting never reached the ears of the ones that were anxiously waiting for Addison’s return. Cecile was pacing back and forth, holding her hand over her heart whispering prayers to God. “Oh that is it!” she raised her voice suddenly. “Erica you go with Arthur and Vilemina. Prepare three horses.”

“Where are you heading Cecile?” Erica asked her desperately clinging onto her hand. She kissed her forehead and pulled away.

“I am coming with you!” Cecile threw a cloak of her own over Erica’s shoulders. Arthur stepped in taking Erica’s arm and pulling her towards the door and Cecile lighted up a lantern.

“But mother hasn’t returned yet and father-”

“No time Erica. They would want you to be safe. Now move!” she said and they all exited through the back door and out into the cold night. The breeze scraped their faces and the snow made their walking all the more difficult. Once they were inside the stable, Erica ran to Akil and started putting the reins and saddle over him.

“Who will Erica ride with?” Arthur asked as he pulled out a chestnut colored Thoroughbred and tried to pull on the reins. Seeing him struggle, Cecile dropped the lantern and started helping him.

“By herself. She knows how to ride, Nathanial taught her,” Cecile answered him.

“Cecile,” Erica spoke as a tear rolled down her cheek. “What if… Oh, God! What if he was the one that did this?” she said and she heard no reply. “What if-” She froze when she heard two loud slams and a scream from behind her followed by loud horse grunting. She turned around briskly, her grip tight on Akil’s reins. And when she emerged from the stall she saw two of her friends lying on the ground and only one of them was standing.

And now, she could finally understand the riddle behind that man’s words. She realized the true meaning of the sentence: “A conspired betrayal from the ones closest to you.”