Her Flux

“Oh, you are awake…” Addison noted upon seeing her young daughter sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed in her cream corded silk twill dress with pale brown floral pattern. Erica tore her gaze away from the bright sun shining on the clear blue sky and turned her head towards her mother, who walked in, carefully closing the bedroom door behind her.

“Good morning mother,” Erica tried to stand up, but Addison gently took a hold of her shoulder and sat her back down, taking her own seat on the bed. Addison seemed calmed, unlike the past two days when her nerves got the better of her, but yet Erica could sense her antsiness. Her eyes wandered to every corner of the room, avoiding Erica’s. “Mother, is something bothering you?”

Addison smiled warmly, but her eyes were filled with worry that twirled in her blue irises. She raised her hand and caressed Erica’s cheek softly. She seemed to gaze at her daughter’s features forever. Erica’s eyebrows knitted together under the straight line of her bangs, as she gazed back at her mother confusedly. “You are very special you know that?”

Although not knowing where this was coming from, Erica decided to dignify her mother with a suitable answer. “That is what you always say.”

“I say it because it’s true,” she sighed, closing her eyes for a second, before reopening them. “Erica… While some try to become special, others are born that way. Life is a maze of possibilities, of acquaintances, of manners and restrictions coming from the society we live in. And we live in a society where often special people are misunderstood and misjudged,” Addison elaborated vaguely. It has always been this way. Thomas and Addison would tell Erica pieces of a story puzzle that seemed impossible to connect and understand. It irked her greatly, but she had learned to live with it.

“Tell me mother, why am I special? Is it something about the way I look?” Erica questioned carefully, trying not to push her mother over the edge. Addison sighed, her torso rising and falling beneath a tight corset, covered with white V-shaped bodice in front.

“All in its rightful time my dear,” she answered dropping her hand back in her lap. “As you know from last night,” she stood up, her soft expression changing as she shot Erica a hard glance. “Sir Nathanial Balfour arrived. Today you will meet each other and along Cecile you will show him our home. Your father insisted on bringing this man here because he loves you and thinks this may make you happy,” she elaborated, the emerald silk of her dress rustling against the rug, as she moved and stopped in front of the window. Without turning around Addison continued speaking.

“However, there are some rules to this… hobnob,” ‘Rules’ Erica thought. That was nothing new. “First – you are not to be alone with him without a guardian. Sometimes I’ll be the one that overtakes that duty upon herself. But most of the time you will be accompanied by Cecile. Is that clear?” Addison looked at Erica from the corner of her eye. Erica nodded trying to hide her contentment. To Erica, Cecile was like her grandmother. She knew her from birth and she always advised her like Addison did, but also leaving her space to breathe. Being with Cecile meant lower restrictions and less worrying about manners and posture. “Good. Second – you are not to discuss private family matters with him. You father is a good hearted man and has faith in people, but sadly…” she sighed. “I lost that fate a long time ago,” she whispered the last part more to herself than to Erica.

Addison was not always the dubious and uptight woman as now and sometimes this change surprised her. Those moments when she wandered where the old Addison vanished to, were the rare moments when she would let her guard down and be that carefree girl she once was. But then she would also remember why her change occurred and she would raise her voice, much like now. She turned around and headed for the door. “Third – behave like I would. You are not a child anymore Erica.” She reached for the doorknob. “Oh, and one more thing.”

“Yes?” Erica turned in her seat to face her mother. When their eyes met, Addison had that serious, almost petrifying look on her face. Erica gulped as she waited.

“No…light. If it happens again, you are to run back to your room and lock yourself up,” this time she didn’t ask her daughter was it clear or not, because she was sure Erica knew damn well what she was referring to. “Breakfast is in half an hour.” With that she left Erica to sit on her made bed in her large, quiet room. The only sounds remotely filling the room were the ones coming from the nature outside, weakly managing to penetrate through the barely opened window.

Erica couldn’t wait for half an hour to pass. Her thoughts were torturing her mind. She saw what Nathanial looked like. He was young, probably two or three years older than herself. She hadn’t communicated with a young gentlemen and she was starting to oppress herself with doubts and fears. She feared that her behavior might turn out flirty in a non-wanted way, which may result with Nathanial being thrown out or worse. She already had concluded that she did not care about the man’s appearance. She only cared to have a new friend. A person that is as clueless to her being special as much as she was.

Not wasting another minute of her precious time, Erica jumped off her bed and after making sure the hallways were clear, she sprinted to the east wing. Within moments she found herself in the large library, surrounded by numerous familiar shelves and books. There was always something special about the library, that made Erica feel as if she belonged in there. Maybe it was the amount of knowledge that filled the wooden shelves, written down on paper. It could have been the comfortable company the plots offered, along with the characters that seemed to come to life with every word scribed in black ink. But most probably it was the huge amount of sunshine this part of the mansion received. The sun rays warmed up and illuminated the library and the rest of the rooms in the east wing, making the sunny days even more enjoyable. And as we all know shiny days are much appreciated in England because they represent a mere break from the muddy grounds left behind by the pouring rain.

Erica also liked the way the library elements were arranged. All the walls had shelves built in, except the one that held the double entry doors. On that wall hung few landscape paintings that combined with the bright sun and created a beautiful illusion of nature. In the middle of the room, between the two ivory stone pillars, lay six shelve columns, disposed in two rows, each row turned to the opposite side of the room. Erica ran her fingers over a shelf next to the window and the blue and white stripped textured lazy chair in front of it. Except for the small white pieces that were floating in the sun lighted air, there was hardly any dust covering the wooded shelves. Cecile always kept the library intact, because she knew how much time Erica spent there. Erica picked up the third book from the fourth shelf, read the title and smiled to herself. She was about to turn and leave, when a gust of wind, filled with the smell of freshly cut grass hit her body, blowing the hair away from her face.

She put the book on the chair and circled it to close the window. Once she did that, she turned around and reached for her book. There was just one problem. It wasn’t there. A line formed between her eyebrows as she circled the chair again, checking beneath it, in thought that she might have dropped it accidentally. Not being able to find it, she cursed under her breath, putting her hands on her hips.

“The Iliad,” an unfamiliar voice scared Erica. She turned around abruptly, her eyes settling on a pair of oddly pale, bluish green orbs. Her eyes traveled all over his facial features, leaving her awestruck. His dark brown hair was assembled in a low ponytail and his identically colored eyebrows had that delicate round shape, giving a soft and approachable look to his crystal eyes. His nose had a slight bump that ended with a small narrowing. He had that strong jaw line and his thin lips were set in a wry smile as he held Erica’s book in his hand and gazed at her features, probably doing the same thing she was. Anylizing.

Erica’s lips parted, but she couldn’t think of a single response. She could feel her cheeks burning as she dropped her gaze to his polished shoes, her fingers intertwining in nervousness. “One city destroyed for the sake of one woman. The perfect example of love, sacrifice and the deadly side of beauty isn’t it?” He asked her, taking a small hesitant step towards her. Feeling her discomfort, he stopped at a good distance and handed the book back to her. Erica’s eyes flew from the red book cover with golden letters that said Iliad to his eyes. He smiled when she reached for it and grabbed it quickly, hugging it against her chest.

“Thank you,” she replied shyly, curtsying to him.

“I suppose you are Erica, am I correct?” He asked as he bowed to her, handing her his hand. She gently placed her right hand into his, shivering at the sound of his lips quietly smacking against her knuckles.

“Yes you are sir Balfour,” she replied. Nathanial smiled, letting go of her hand.

“Please, call me Nathanial,” he pleaded, looking into her gray eyes. She nodded. “If I may say, you look a lot like your beautiful mother. The resemblance is beyond compare,” To Erica this compliment meant a lot more than Nathanial could even imagine. True, it was a little forward from his side, but with comparing Erica to her mother, he lit a small hope inside her lonely heart that she may not be as poorly looking as she always thought she was.

Sadly, she couldn’t enjoy this feeling for any longer, because the mention of her mother reminded her of the rules she had set moments ago. ‘First – you are not to be alone with him without a guardian.’ They had just met and she was already breaking the first rule.

“If you will excuse me Sir Nathanial, I have to leave. It was very nice to make you acquaintance,” Erica said swiftly as she curtsied and turned to leave.

“It’s quite all right. See you at breakfast,” he commented as he watched her tiny frame leave the library. He stood there watching the emptiness that she left behind, before grabbing a random book and following right after her.

After fifteen minutes or less, Erica entered the dining room along with her mother. Her eyes landed on her father, who was chatting lively with Nathanial. Since her initial reaction had passed, she now paid more attention to his clothing. He was dressed impeccably: the skirt of his navy coat reached his mid thighs, covering his white shirt with turnover collar and a neat cravat. His breeches fitted him snugly and had a fall-front opening and ended with white stockings. And yet again, his low-heeled leather shoes became the gaze holding point, because she was too shy to look him in the eyes.

“Oh and there she is. Sir Nathanial, meet my lovely daughter, Erica,” Thomas introduced her as they both stood up and headed towards her. Erica’s cheeks flushed as they went through the same introduction process. When she gathered the courage to look at him, she saw the knowing look he was sending her as an invite to play along. She then realized that he didn’t want her parents to find out about the little library incident either, which was fine with Erica. This time, instead of complimenting her, Nathanial settled with smiling.

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance Sir Balfour.”

“Likewise Miss Providence,” He pulled away, crossing his palms behind his back as he stood next to her father, a safe distance from Erica.

“Well now that we are done with the formalities, shall we?” Addison said, turning slightly towards the dining room.

Breakfast felt indubitably awkward for Erica. As she listened silently on the ‘grown up’ conversations, involuntary, her traitorous eyes kept wandering back to Nathanial’s face, who was sitting opposite from her on the rectangle table. He seemed to be very interested in Thomas’s story about an office business he had back in Ludlow, because he didn’t pay that much attention to the girl that was glancing at him every chance she was given. Truth be told, she was embarrassed of how much she was fascinated with Nathanial; his looks, his posture, his clothing, his attitude and low voice gave him that enchanting and flawless appearance.

Yes, she was deeply lost in her thoughts, that she didn’t realize that her eyes had stopped moving and the only thing she was now gazing at was the young man eating in front of her. The great amount of sunlight that pierced through the large crescent windows, colored his pale white skin in gold, bringing out the dashing effect of his light colored orbs. If her mind wasn’t a vacant void when it came to her surroundings, she would have realized that Thomas had long ago stopped talking with Nathanial, because he was now in a deep argument with Addison about the horseback riding part. Nathanial had mentioned that Erica would have to wear men’s clothing if there was any chance of her learning how to ride a horse. Not being apathetic towards that fact and meeting the opposite opinion from her husband, they both started debating on the possibilities.

Meanwhile, Nathanial was quiet and watching Erica watch him from the corner of his eye. When realization coiled around Erica’s mind, she froze. Her first reaction was the movement of her short, dark eyelashes that collided when she blinked once, then twice. Quickly, she turned the other way, trying to concentrate on Cecile’s figure. Cecile was collecting the empty, dirty dishes and putting new clean ones for desert. Trying to avoid looking at Nathanial, Erica cursed herself inwardly. She had just broken another rule: ‘Third – behave like I would. You are not a child anymore Erica.’

She was definitely not acting how Addison would and knew that she wasn’t a child anymore, but she couldn’t help herself. She was locked up in this enormous place that seemed to shrink and close on her with every passing year. People seemed interesting to her and she already knew every single feature of the ones she grew up with. For her, this august newcomer was a breath of fresh air.

“…no, no, no Thomas, that is unacceptable,” the voice of her mother grabbed Erica’s attention. “She is a young lady. She cannot wear only one layer of clothing.”

Thomas sighed. “Then what do you suggest we do?”

“I’ll talk to our tailor. I’ll ask her to sew me a dress that has a very high Empire waist and a light weight cotton tabby fabric. It will make it easier for her to move around,” She suggested. Nathanial looked at her confused.

“You do mean Erica?” He asked. Addison’s lips parted as she gazed back at him. “You said you’ll ask the tailor to sew you a dress,” he corrected her not knowing that all those times Addison asked a dress to be designed, she never told their tailor who it was for. Not that he asked, of course, because that would be impertinent from his side. Instead he did his job and got paid for his service.

Addison and Thomas exchanged a look between them before she laughed and waved a hand in front of her. “That is what I meant.”

Nathanial nodded and kept awfully quiet through the rest of breakfast. He knew that there was something weird about the Providence family. Not that he was versed when it came to weirdness. He hadn’t dodged the aberrant rumors that circled around, but looking at Erica in front of him he found them having no sense. Her young silhouette and her delicate face had no traces of hideous nature nor did her fair, unerring skin look pale and ill. It was quite the opposite actually; she looked very much enthralling to him.

Thomas felt that he should be the one that should break the silence that went on building itself among them. When he noticed that everyone had finished their breakfast, he cleared his throat and got up, pushing his chair back in. He smiled.

“Well in an hour I shall have to departure for Ludlow once more. I’m afraid I have some business to attend to. Nathanial, Cecile and Erica shall show you around and if you please you can start on your literature class this evening. My love,” he turned to Addison, taking her hand in his as he pulled her up. “I’ll let Mr. Turner, our tailor know that you are going to pay him a visit these days.”

“Thank you.”

“If you excuse me, I have to get prepared,” Thomas said as he kissed his wife and daughter. Nathanial stood up, his chair scraping the floor beneath and nodded to Thomas. Erica slowly got up, standing next to her mother. Soon, Cecile entered the room, carrying a thin, black blanket in her hands. Nathanial noticed the fabric in her hands, but said nothing.

“Oh, Cecile, you arrived right on time,” Addison smiled, before directing her attention to Nathanial. “I leave you in good hands Sir Nathanial.”

“I have no doubts,” he smiled as he circled the table, offering his elbow to Erica. She felt benumbed by his action and not knowing what to do she turned her head towards her mother, who raised her eyebrows and nodded in approval. Sliding her hand around his arm, she blushed and only nodded with a demure smile.

Cecile followed briskly after them, falling two steps behind. As they passed Addison by, Nathanial unintentionally noticed her whispering something in Cecile’s ear. Although he had no evidence to base his doubts upon, he suspected that behind the facade of mirth and normality that this family put up, mystery hid. But he didn’t linger on those thoughts. What he wanted now was to get to know the girl that was walking next to him, her arm brushing against his, and doing his job. In the end, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t secrets of his own.