You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I felt something land on top of me while I was sleeping, and was in no mood to get out of bed.

“It is Saturday morning. Leave me the fuck alone.” I grumbled, not opening my eyes and trying to turn over. I heard a familiar laugh, and I opened one eye to find John’s face just inches from mine. “I was trying to sleep, thank you.”

“Calm down.” He kissed my forehead. “You know you don’t mind being woken up like this.”

“What are you even doing here? Who let you in?” I stretched underneath him, yawning.

“Sarah needed clothes, and I needed you.” He smiled widely.

“Yeah, okay, O’Callaghan. What’s on the agenda for today?” He rested his head on my chest, his legs hanging off the end of the bed.

“Mmm, a photo shoot. In like an hour.”

“Is it nude? Or else I’m not coming.”

He laughed. “No, it’s not nude.”

“Fine, not coming.” I yawned again and tried to push him off me.

“I’ll start moaning really loud.” John smirked. “What’s that Alex? Too busy pleasuring yourself?” I rolled my eyes and shoved his chest again, which wasn’t a good idea as he let out a low fake moan.

“John! No!” He did it again, louder this time, and I pushed him off the bed. “Stop it!” He didn’t listen, just laughed hysterically, moaning again. I just shook my head at him, and someone knocked on the door.

“Hey! Quiet down a bit in there!” My grandma yelled, and I felt my face flush. John opened his mouth again, and I slammed my hand over it.

“Okay, okay, I’ll go.” I pulled my hand away, and he smiled contently.

“Nice to see you change your mind.”

“Yeah, well it’s not like it was really my choice.” John just laughed. I stood up out of bed finally, having to step over John to stretch out, my shirt rising up. John got up, tugging his sleeves down and hooking his arms around me. “Mmm,” I mumbled into his shirt, “Can’t I just stay home today?”

“Nope.”

“Can I go back to sleep at least?” I pouted. John shook his head, pressing his lips to mine briefly before breaking away from me, handing me my clothes off the floor. I rubbed my eyes and dragged myself unwillingly into the bathroom to get ready.

I expected the guys to treat me awkwardly, but it had been close to a week since the party. John waited outside the door for me, beanie covering up his messy locks and his usual plaid flannel. He smiled at me, and I chewed my lip, walking down the hallway to the front room.

“So where the hell have you been?” Sarah exclaimed.

“Uhm, here, without you.” I let out an awkward laugh. She spent so much time with Garrett anymore, it wasn’t my fault, and I wasn’t going to come in between them.

“You could have tried calling or texting. My god. I felt like my bff for l didn’t want me anymore.”

“Bff for l, that’s all that needs, said, okay? Okay.” I collapsed on the couch, having to squeeze between Pat and my grams, since Kenny was also on the couch.

“So, have fun in there?” Kennedy smirked.

“Have fun in…Oh, no, that was just John being a douche bag.” John hit the back of my head lightly, and I tipped my head up, glancing at him standing behind the couch.

“Yeah, okay.” Jared laughed; obviously no one was going to believe me. I didn’t realize I was still looking up at John, and I felt my face heat up when Pat slammed his elbow harshly in my side. I elbowed him back, and he scrambled at me, rat boy coming out. Pat and I were the same size almost exactly, so it was an even battle, but my grams broke us up, yelling when I fell on her. We both fell into fits of laughter, everyone staring at us like we were half mad.

“We should probably get going…” Kennedy trailed off, messing with his phone. The guys all sounded out in agreement, and Sarah jumped on Garrett’s back as he took off down the stairs and to the van. I fell into step behind John, being the last one in line. I was two steps up from him when he hit the last step, and I jumped, scrambling to cling to his back. I expected him to drop me, or fall, but apparently he was expecting it, and his arms effortlessly wrapped around my thighs, supporting me up.

I rested my head on his shoulder. “You really shouldn’t wear hats.” I mumbled. I liked playing with his hair too much. He just shook his head, readjusting his grip on me.

It wasn’t any fun to be stuck at a photo shoot. They faked smiles and laughs and everything like it was nothing, and I’m sure if you got genuine smiles out of the boys you could sell just about anything. I’m sure another reason it annoyed me so much was that I always wanted to be in front of the camera when I was younger, and this just came to them automatically with being rock stars and all. Sarah and I were stuck to stand around and watch and it seemed like we’d been here for ages or maybe I was just being a queen. The guys had to re-pose again, goofing and shoving each other with smiles on their faces while they tried the hardest to sell the phone in John’s hands. I nudged Sarah and started striking different poses, vogue-ing and posing and stretching out and moving around like mad. Sarah joined me, and I heard snickers coming from the set, and I hoped we wouldn’t get in too much trouble for distracting them.

I posed yet again, hands on my hips before yelling “And vogue!” in the highest voice I could and switching as Sarah did. I heard a familiar laugh break out then and looked over to see John all red faced, covering his mouth. I smiled contentedly, my job was done. I broke out into a small dance, and the photographer turned around, giving me a look.

“Sorry!” I smiled and waved innocently at him. I glanced over at Sarah after, letting out a nervous laugh. “Well that wasn’t awkward at all.” John motioned at me, and I shook my head.

“Come over here!” He shouted, he wasn’t being mad or anything, but I still wasn’t buying it. He pouted, and I couldn’t fight the effects it had on me, even from as far away as he was standing. I sighed and stumbled onto the set, dragging Sarah behind me. I slid under John’s arm, releasing Sarah’s wrist, and he smiled crookedly. I just laughed at him, messing up his hair the right way, and hooking my arm around Pat who was next to me, the guys all smiling brighter this time the flash went off.

“That had to be one of the best ones, too bad we can’t use it.” Jared pointed out, letting out a small laugh.

The guys changed back into their original clothes, Pat kept going on about food, so we walked over to the nearest café. I sat next to John and across from Pat, picking at the bagel I really didn’t want. While standing in line I’d mentioned my lack of hunger, earning complaints from John to the extent that I just gave in.

“So…” John broke the silence between us first, waiting until after he’d swallowed his food. I hadn’t been involved in anyone’s conversation and had spent the past five minutes on auto pilot. “What are you going to do while we’re gone?” He reached over and squeezed my knee lightly, a small smile on his face.

I stole his smoothie, taking a sip of it. “I wasn’t really planning anything.” I mumbled, laughing as I tried to speak with my mouth full.

“Why not?”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know, maybe to get a life, get some money, stop spending mine.” John took his drink back.

“I don’t spend your money!”

“I was kidding.” He laughed. “You just have get your little hands on it all.” I tugged his beanie off his head when he returned to his sandwich again, messing up his bed head even more and tugging the hat on my head. “My point exactly.”

“I told you you didn’t need it!” I defended, yawning. I laid my head down on the table, looking over at the rest of the café, and the girls trying too obviously to make themselves look like they weren’t watching us. I inwardly groaned. The guys hadn’t noticed them, and if they did, they hadn’t addressed them, so I tried my hardest to ignore it. “Pat, when’s the next show?” I had to ask Pat, John would lie or mention it was “sometime soon, sometime next week, sometime not now”.

Pat messed with his phone for a minute, “Thursday, Tucson.”

“Oh, I see.” I glanced up at John. Tucson was two hours away, and I had no clue if they were coming home after, or if I was allowed to come along. Christmas Eve was two Saturdays from now, exactly. So if they had more shows or anything scheduled, that would mean they wouldn’t be home. John caught me watching him, just as he always did, and a smile spread across his face, while he continued talking to Jared. “Hey Sarah, look at the table on the opposite side.” Her eyes scanned the room before she figured out what I meant.

She grimaced. “Oh, great, fan bitches.” I moved to get out of my seat, and John’s hand shot out, gripping my wrist tightly under the table, while he still held a conversation. I felt very much like a little kid. It wasn’t like I planned on doing anything bad to the girls…

Sarah grinned and slid out of her seat, tugging on my opposite arm, and I weaseled my wrist out of John’s grip. He let it go, if he caused a scene he’d have to deal with it, and he apparently wasn’t in the mood to do so today. Sarah and I hooked pinkies, walking over to the other table; it all felt so high school.

Once we reached the table we stopped, and the girls tried to hide the jealous looks they’d been shooting at us on our way over. “Hey.” I spoke a little on the louder side, and I was just waiting for one of the guys to come intervene.

“Are you guys like their fans? I mean, I didn’t know if they’d let us come over and sit with them.” A dark haired girl spoke, dressed to the nines for her age, skinnys tight enough she could pop out of them, and a tight band shirt with All Time Low scrawled across it.

“Oh, yeah, totally.” Sarah answered before I could. “They do it all the time.” The girls let out a ton of excited squeals, murmuring to each other and peeking over at the guys’ table. I glanced over and John stared at me, halfway a warning, halfway wondering what the fuck I thought I was doing. The boldest of the three slid out, dragging her friends behind her. They wandered over to the table, the boldest one taking what was my seat, next to John. The guys all had odd looks on their faces, and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, and Sarah couldn’t either.

“It’s so cool you guys let fans sit with you!” One of the girls squealed, I guess they must have asked where they heard that, because one of the girls, a tall redhead, pointed over at Sarah and I, who were still busting at the seams, gasping in between laughing. Garrett motioned for us, and I hooked my arm through Sarah’s, walking over to the table.

The boys were not amused, in the least bit. They were tired, and trying to escape these kinds of situations now that they were home I’m sure. But that didn’t falter my amusement one bit, and the girls looked like they had just gotten the best Christmas present ever. Sarah and I stood at the end of the table, grinning, while the guys faked a lot of enthusiasm. Garrett got up, throwing his trash away, and his arms dragged Sarah down into his lap in the booth and away from me. There was barely any space left at the end of the booth, and I shoved in next to Garrett, making everyone shift a little, but I still had to balance to stay in the seat. I was across from fan girls, the guys were all squished in the middle, minus Garrett. John glared at me from the middle, and I wished I could just straight out talk to him, but I knew it was going to have to wait and I’d probably get bitched at later for all of this.

“My name’s Tabitha.” The petite short haired blonde across the table from me smiled at me.

“Nice to meet you, Tabitha.” I forced a smile. I didn’t think I’d be getting any attention from them; I wasn’t much next to the band they’d been drooling over.

“I’m Casey!” The one who had spoken in the very beginning, the one bursting out of her skinny jeans blurted out.

“I had an obese dog named Casey once; she died because she couldn’t hold up her own weight anymore.” I played with the straw to someone’s drink, trying to hold in my laughter that was making my face turn red. I heard snickering coming from next to me, Sarah, and Garrett started coughing in between small laughs, trying to cover it up. They weren’t the only ones, Tabitha and the redhead threw their hands over their mouths. I smiled to myself. “I’m Alex, by the way.”

“Have you guys come to any of the shows?” John redirected the attention back towards him, and the girls rambled on about plans, and warped tour.

“Hey, Pat, it’s already three-thirty.” Kennedy pressed.

“Ah, man, we have to get going to that…thing.” Pat tried to lie, and he was terrible at it.

“Didn’t we have plans with Halvo for today? At like three?” Kennedy pressed again, pulling all of this out of no where.

“Aw! Do you guys have to go?” The girls whined.

“Yeah, sorry, but hey, come to our shows or something, we’ll hang out again.” Jared smiled at them generously. The girls let them slide out of the booth, hugging John, Kennedy, Pat, and Jared. Casey and the redhead, whose name I never caught had to make a point out of kissing John on the cheek. I reminded myself subconsciously to spray him down with Lysol before I let him touch me again. Garrett had to pull away from Sarah for a minute to quickly hug them, but he was back attached to her within what seemed like seconds. We migrated out the door, and John shoved past me, making sure I didn’t have to walk near him. It kind of made me envious glancing over at Sarah and Garrett, and I wanted in the biggest non-platonic way to wrap my arms around John the way they so easily could in public. Not that that was the only thing I’d like to do to John in public.

The van ride home wasn’t too exciting. I was stuck in between Kennedy and John in the middle seats, and spent most of it staring at the floor, my hands resting at my sides. I half-heartedly wanted John to grab for my hand, pull it behind his back or somewhere the guys eyes couldn’t follow quick enough to figure out what we were doing, but he didn’t. He shifted back and forth between staring out the window and small conversations, some that even seemed like he was thanking me for dragging the girls over, not letting me have satisfaction at the idea that I’d annoyed him.

Kennedy and Jared ended up getting dropped off at home, and once we pulled out of Jared’s parking lot, I felt my body involuntarily lean against John. He shrugged me off a little, and I scooted over in the bench, as he repossessed the hat of his I’d been wearing. We rode in silence the rest of the way, and I chewed my lip, waiting for him to have an outburst already, that I knew was coming.

At John’s old house, Pat, Garrett, Sarah and I all piled out, John getting out last. I followed close behind Pat, who opened the door, smiling and yelling to John’s mom about how they were back. She yelled back, telling us to come on in. I was in the process of taking off my shoes when I felt John grab my shoulder, mumbling harshly about how I needed to go to his room. I sighed and trudged up the stairs after him, not ready to fight.

I sat on his bed, just like I had a million times before, just like we’d fought a million times before. I put my head in my hands, rubbing my face and tugging at the messy ends to my hair as John shut the door tightly.

“The fuck was that all about?” He started, and I didn’t even bother to look up at him, knowing he was probably going to vent off. “All you do is complain about our fans, and then you go and round them up and straight up deliver them to us? I don’t get it, Alex, I really don’t.” When I didn’t answer he continued, the question being obviously rhetorical. “Did you want one of them?” He let out a weak laugh. “Is that it?”

“No, that’s not it.” I groaned finally, looking up at him as he paced. “It was just a joke, John, calm down.”

“I’m just so confused anymore.” He had a weak moment, and his eyes tore away from mine.

“I know you are.” I bit my lip hard, and tried to change the subject on him. “So when were you going to tell me you’re not going to be here for Christmas?” I didn’t mean to sound as agitated as I did when I asked.

“I never said I wasn’t going to be here.”

“Well…it’s not like you really had to tell me, it wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“Again, I never said I wasn’t going to be here. It’s not like it matters if I stay, we can’t really celebrate it, you have family stuff, and I have mine, and the guys’, and it’s not like we can just-“

“Yeah, I know.” I snapped at him, I didn’t mean to, but I did. “But that’s not my fault, now is it?”

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine, but I can’t change it, so stop asking! It’s not that fucking easy!” I sighed, and my head hit my hands again.

“You’re just making it difficult, it’s not that hard.”

“If it’s not that hard to come out, then please explain, Alex, how you’ve managed to not tell anyone about me.”

“I tell people!” I knew we were getting loud, and it wouldn’t be long before someone wondered what was going on.

“Just no one that has any influence on you. And Pat and Garrett don’t count, because you didn’t even tell them, they found out.”

“But it’s not like you’d let me. If we went downstairs, and I got all cute with you in front of your family, you know you’d get pissed.” John couldn’t come up with a response for a while, because I was right, I couldn’t tell anyone about him because he didn’t want me to, it all came back to him. He stopped pacing, biting his lip, and sat down next to me on the bed.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“Doesn’t fix it.”

“I know.” A few moments went by, and John snaked his arms around my waist, tugging me up and into his lap, leaning his head against my back.

“Why is it such a big deal? Are you that ashamed of who you are?” I felt him shake his head.

“No.” He laughed softly.

“Then you’re ashamed of who you’re with…?” I bit my lip.

John’s arms tightened around me. “You’d really even ask that?”

“Well I don’t know, I don’t get what you’re so afraid of, it doesn’t matter who thinks what.”

“Look, can we just drop this for now?” He sighed, and my eyes caught something in his closet.

“Is that what I think it is?” I couldn’t help but laugh, the only explanation for something that big and poufy was John’s old humongous jacket that he thought made him so cool so long ago.

“What?” John played dumb, but the fur lined hood gave it away, and I tugged at his arms trying to get up. “I don’t see anything.” He continued, snickering quietly. I slid out of his arms and had it on before he could protest further, dancing about his room, practically swallowed up by it. He just laughed and shook his head at me, before whining to take it off because we had to go back downstairs, not that I wanted to. I gave in and took it off, tossing it back in his closet and came face to chest with him when he turned around. “You should really try growing.”

“You should really try kissing my ass.” I shoved his chest playfully and he smirked, leaning down and attaching his lips to mine, leaning his wrists against my shoulders this time. I hooked my arms around his waist, pulling him completely up against me.

He pulled back, and his arms circled around my shoulders, holding me tightly against his chest. “Let’s try not to fight so much for a while, yeah?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, getting halfway muffled by the fabric of his shirt. “You know that’s not going to happen, John.”

“Humor me.” He exhaled and dropped his arms, unhooking my hands from his waist He opened the door, making his way downstairs. I sighed; time to put on the façade again.