You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I took another drag and dropped my head into the darkness, fumbling yet again. This time for my cell phone, I could feel it going off, but I wasn’t sure where. I had finally found it, the light blinding me, as I shakily hit the keys, texting back Megan, and she was backstage. No big surprise there.

I collided with something, and attempted to keep going, but that wasn’t possible as thin, strong arms gripped onto my waist to hold me steady, or up. I could have sworn I recognized the person’s scent; I was out of my mind.

“Whoa, you okay man?” I blinked and held my phone up, to find myself a little too close to the one boy I’d been hiding from all night.

“Fuck.” I mumbled and dropped my cigarette, dropping my head to the ground. I was fighting back the blush creeping on my face. I liked his hands on me a bit too much. He dropped his hands, reaching back to scratch his neck. We all knew there was really no itch, just a nervous tick of his.

“So, uhm, I thought that was you, I mean, in the audience tonight.”

“Yeah, I kind of got dragged here against my will.”

“I can tell.” Suddenly the air was tense. I wanted to scream, kick, cry, pour my heart out, and kiss him all at the same time. But he wasn’t mine anymore, and fighting would get me no where. But just standing here didn’t give me the answers I deserved, either. Why did you leave? Why couldn’t we have just fixed things? He knew I wanted to try. Why couldn’t you just stay? I had begged and begged, groveled, and clung the whole way. And the most important one: Why the fuck did you tell me you would come back, I waited for so long, so fucking long, and I got nothing. Good thing to see you tonight though, to know you don’t worry or care about me anymore. Glad everything is one sided, yet again.

My head racked itself for answers, and I just stood there like I was mentally incompetent. No words could find their way to my mouth, or my lips for that matter.

“So…uh, how’ve you been?” His hand went back to his neck again; apparently I was wrong about him being so confident, because at this moment, all I could see was the same confused John from years back.

“I’ve….,” I tried hard to swallow the lump forming in my throat, and my eyes burned from the amount of emotions I was holding back. “I’ve managed.” I stared at my feet, kicking the ground with my shoe.

“That’s good.” A small smile seemed to creep on his face.

“Any chance you can get me in the back? Megan said she’s back there and uhm….” I looked everywhere but at John. It was dark, so it was pretty much nothingness before me.

“Yeah, definitely.” He grabbed for my hand, and against all feeling boiling up in my stomach, I ripped my hand away, letting it fall to my side. The butterflies, and the nausea, and the missing signals going from my brain to my legs to run as fast as I can were all making me sick. I instead fell into step behind him, not really thinking or looking at anything.

He seemed a bit put back at my response, and he stopped in his path. “You’re not still put off about all that, right? I mean, come on, Lex, It’s been ages.” I bit down on my lip hard, I didn’t appreciate nicknames, and I definitely didn’t like hearing the one he used to refer to me by so much. I took a step back, out of the street light that was displaying our faces so visibly.

“O-Of course n-,” My voice cracked as I tried my hardest to compose myself, I bit down harder on my lip. “Of course not,” I repeated. His face dropped, and I knew somewhere, deep down, no matter how much he could try and hide it, I was striking a chord in the boy. He attempted a quick recovery and gave me a forced smile, no where near as radiant as the crooked one I loved so much.

“Well, uhm, let’s go see the rest of the guys, shall we? It’s been a while.” He let out a nervous chuckle; it seemed to echo through the space and emptiness between the two of us.

We finally reached the door, and incomprehensible screams could be heard, even from outside. John smiled wide, laughing only to himself, I didn’t get it. I stared at him oddly until he pulled open the door, motioning for me to go inside. One foot in and a half naked mess of long, greasy brown hair flung at me, yelling and flailing. I struggled to stand but the force from the attack knocked me backwards onto the ground. The boy landed on top of me, standing up and brushing himself off as if nothing had happened. Everyone fell into screams of laughter and turned and looked to me, still on the ground. Apparently I was the only one not getting it. The boy turned around to offer me a hand, smiling innocently as if nothing had just gone on.

“Pat, may I ask, what the fuck just happened to you?” I gasped out, in between laughs, pushing myself up off the ground.

“Rat Boy,” Garrett smiled, handing Pat his shirt off the floor.

“Oh, makes total sense.” I pushed past the two of them, rubbing my hands together trying to stay warm; jingling rang out behind me, John’s keys bouncing against his jeans.

First thing I noticed John do? Reach out and grab onto a red plastic cup. I don’t even think I needed to ask what liquid it contained. I looked around, catching Megan’s eye, who was too busy chatting up some random merch guy. I took a seat on a box, hoping it wouldn’t break under me and embarrass me any worse than I’d already managed myself. I wasn’t the kind to launch into a conversation with anyone, I preferred to sit back and watch the way others communicated. Kennedy and Jared were deep in a discussion over some riff, messing around with their guitars. The box weighed down more heavily, and I snapped back into reality, looking to my right where Pat had seated himself.

“You’re going to break the box.” I stated matter-of-factly to him.

He ignored me. “How’ve you been?” He questioned, speaking soft enough to keep out anyone listening in.

“Honestly, how do you go from Rat Boy, to this?” I faked a smile, and Pat knew me a bit too well. We were close before the whole mess occurred. I was younger then all of them, as were Garrett and Pat, and we looked out for each other a bit.

“How... have...you…been?” He repeated himself, stopping after each word, to make sure I heard him.

“I’ve been fine.” I mumbled, playing with the hem of my sweatshirt. Pat leaned down, smiling at me.

“Fine, you sure don’t look so fine right now.”

“And you know exactly why that is.” I stated, sticking my tongue out at him. He repeated the gesture, and we both laughed a little. “S-so,” I stuttered, looking at Pat, “How has, uhm, how’s he been?” I bit my lip and glanced over at John, who had a little more sway to his step, now that he was on his second cup.

“You really want me to answer that?” Pat let out a small, nervous laugh, fixing his hair.

I bit my lip harder before nodding. “Yeah, yeah I do.”

Pat looked away from me, looking up to John from our spot on the box. His voice sounded a bit distant, like he was even trying to convince himself something. “He’s been…John.” He nodded slightly, folding his legs up Indian style.

It took a while to continue my questions, or to even get up the confidence to ask what I couldn’t believe I wanted to know. “So is he…” I started, then stopped and stared into nothingness for a few more minutes. “Does he have…?” I continued over and over but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. Pat felt my frustration and grabbed my shoulder, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“I’m going to go check on some things; I’m here when you need me, okay?” Pat got up, and the box silently groaned in relief, glad to have one tiny man on it again.

“Hey cutie.” John slurred, that devilish crooked smile of his lighting up his face. He pushed his cup at me, some of the beer coming up and hitting me in the face, he reeked of it, all I could smell was the beer, not John, and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. I got up off the box, shakily running my fingers through my hair, and trying my best to will my legs to walk me outside.

I dumped the remaining liquid in the grass, before walking towards the large industrial-sized garbage container, chucking the cup in. It was then that I realized the footsteps behind me, and the familiar jingling. I swore under my breath, turning around, only to come closer to him than I’d been in ages.

“What, some reason why you don’t look happy to see me…” He took a step closer and I took one back, tripping over my own feet as my back hit the fence behind me.

“John…” I started. He continued to walk closer, until he was almost against me, hands clutching the fence above. His stupid smirk was shining all over again. He let his head drop, closing a bit of the foot or so between our height differences. My body froze, went into lock down, shock. His breath was reaching my face, almost sickeningly sweet and my hands weakly went out, pushing against his chest, willing him to stop. He pressed his forehead against mine, my vision going double as I tried hard to concentrate on what was happening. My knees started to buckle, and my stomach felt like it had exploded. His eyes seemed to flash back and forth between my eyes, and my lips, searching for some kind of consent, or maybe motivation, to bring him to what he wanted to do. One of my hands slid up his chest, finding its way to the back of his neck, entangling itself in his hair, as the other hand clutched at the thin fabric of his shirt, as I fought back against my body, which was ready to crumple to the floor. He pressed his body closer to mine, and I swallowed hard.

“Johnny?” A voice yelled, and suddenly the back lights flicked on, blinding me. John groaned, his body slumping up against mine, before he pushed off the fence, obviously pissed at the nickname. The guys came out, trying their best to carry instruments and wires. Pat took in the whole situation and a grimace came across his face. I fell to the ground, as a girl near my age came running over to John. To make any comments about her would be entirely bias, and so I didn’t even let my mind go there. The brunette clung to John’s waist, looking up at him expectantly, and ignoring me. He smiled and leaned down; slamming his lips against hers in a fashion nothing like what had just happened between the two of us. I buried my face in my dark skinny jeans, willing the nauseating sound their lips made to stop.

When it did I looked up, their hands intertwined, with his back to me. She leaned past John, looking at me and back at John.

“Try to find boys your own size to wrestle with next time babe; I think you half killed that one.” She giggled and clung to his thin frame.

I rolled my eyes and pushed myself off the ground following them towards the van, which was all loaded up. Pat nudged Garrett hard and started his way towards John, who was fighting the affects of the beer as hard as he could.

“Jenny! Come check this out!” Garrett yelled, and the girl detached herself from John, taking off running, her hair flowing behind her. Pat quickened his pace, for as tiny as he was, his attitude made him three times that size.

He got in John’s face and I tried my hardest to not pay attention to them, but being stuck behind John made that almost impossible. Pat’s face was filled with disapproval, anger ringing out from any angle you looked at it. He grabbed for John’s wrist, making sure he was paying attention to him.

“Don’t do this.” Was all he could manage to get out, before turning away from John and walking back to meet up with me, his face changing from pissed to worried. “You alright?” He gave me a slight smile, trying to encourage me to do the same.

“Y-Yeah.” I stuttered out, “I’m fine.”

“So….we’re actually off of tour now, on break, I mean, not like forever.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” I tried my best to seem interested, but my eyes could only focus on the ground, to make sure I was still walking, still breathing, still here.

“What a way to end the tour, right?” He let out a nervous laugh. We had reached the van and he started searching his pockets, pulling out his phone. John leaned against the automobile, girlfriend hand in hand, watching me. “So,” Pat started. “You should probably give me your number, we’re staying in town for break, you know family, and old friends kind of deal.”

“Of course,” I smiled shyly and rattled off numbers as he entered them in.

“Now do I get a hug?” My smile grew and I clung to Pat for a few seconds.

Jared turned the ignition on, the van rumbling to life and I waved as they all climbed in the van, running out to the opposite side of the parking lot, only to find Megan had left without me. I swore loudly, racing back, only to find the van ready to pull out into the street. Running as fast as I could I screamed, flailing my arms about, trying to convince them otherwise. As soon as they hit the road, Kennedy spotted me, and they turned around, Garrett rolling down his window.

“What?” He cocked an eyebrow at me. I hugged myself, my tiny frame shaking from the cold and all the running. I bent over, trying not to puke, and then steadied myself against the van.

“I…need…a…ride.” I said in between breaths.

“Get in.” Garrett smiled and hit the unlock button, numerous times, as I had trouble with always yanking the handle before he hit the key and resulting in locking myself out over and over. After we all calmed down, I managed to finally get it open.

I bit my lip hard when I noticed the seating arrangement, some of the equipment had to be moved into the van with the passengers, blocking out any chance I had of sitting near Kennedy and Pat. Jenny was against the window, John sitting next to her, and a spot just small enough for me to fit.

“Hurry up.” Jared yelled impatiently. He wasn’t really pissy or anything, just tired, we all were. I crawled in the seat next to John, hugging myself and trying to be as small as possible. I mumbled directions out to Jared, who fought with Garrett over the fastest way to get to my apartment. Kennedy and Pat joined in from time to time, and Pat whacked me on the back of the head a few times, trying to make things less awkward, but I wasn’t interested in their small talk, and it definitely didn’t make this night any better. From time to time I felt John’s eyes look me over, but whenever I’d dare myself to look; he was watching Jenny, who was fast asleep tucked into his side. I chewed my hoodie sleeves as unwanted jealousy rushed through me, and I fought back the breakdown that was slowly happening in my head.

Not soon enough we pulled into my apartment complex, and I almost jumped out right there, wanting to be home, locked inside my apartment as quickly as possible. I fumbled for my keys, mumbled good byes and climbed out; smiling a little at the recognition of home, safety, the place I’d been hiding out since he left. I unlocked the door, relocked it, and found my way to the bedroom half-dead, I could have been blindfolded for the way I stumbled through, slamming the door open and falling onto the bed. Hitting the pillow I just wished when I woke up I’d realize it was all just another dream.