You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“You really plan on spending my last few hours here like this?” John whined for the millionth time, sitting on one of the boxes in my Gram’s garage.

“I’m being productive.” I pushed through the loads of stuff that lined the floor; there was really no way to describe it.

“By finding your old bike?” He rolled his eyes overdramatically.

“I want to go for a bike ride, is that too much to ask? Besides you have practically the rest of the day to have me to yourself for whatever O’Callaghan”

“For whatever I want?” I didn’t even have to ask to know what he was thinking from the tone of voice he used. I turned to face him, resting my hands on extra space that he didn’t occupy on the box. He smirked, playing with the front of my shirt. I licked my lips involuntarily, only causing his smirk to grow as he tugged me closer, his lips clashing with mine as he pulled me as close as I could get to him before my legs hit the cardboard. I lifted one leg, resting my knee on the box on one side of him, before lifting the other, praying the box didn’t collapse under us. He gripped my lower back, tugging me completely up against him as my fingers hooked through the hair at the nape of his neck. John’s tongue slid into my mouth, and I could hardly breathe as the garage heated up twice what it was outside and his fingers slipped under my shirt.

“John.” I managed to get out when he’d broken away from me for a moment, kissing down my neck, before his lips reattached to mine, ignoring me. I pulled away, letting out a laugh and pulling his fingers out from my back, the fabric of my shirt only falling halfway back into place. “John, I need you to reach my bike.” I laughed more, my head colliding with his chest as he let out a frustrated groan. “Please.” I pouted and he eased me off of his lap, getting up and taking the route I’d made from shoving around boxes to get to the back of the garage.

He returned a second later, holding it in the air with his face all concentrated, before he practically threw it to the ground in front of me. “Happy now?”

“Was there only one?” I swung my legs against the box, biting my lip.

“Yeah.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“Well I don’t get how we’re supposed to ride it then.”

“Get on the handlebars.” He sighed, holding it back up and sitting down on the seat.

“Are you trying to kill me?” I stood up, tugging my shirt down.

“Get on the handlebars, Alex.” He looked up at me, obviously not amused. I nervously walked over, my knees knocking together. He held my hips from behind while I jumped up, so I wouldn’t fall onto the wheel, and my legs clung together as I gripped the handlebars tight enough my knuckles were aching, and my legs wouldn’t stop shaking. “Calm down.” John laughed. “I’m not going to let you die as long as you don’t jump off or anything.”

“I swear to god, John.” He started pedaling and I couldn’t finish the sentence as he picked up speed, and I closed my eyes tightly, gripping the handlebars even tighter. He laughed more, coasting out of my gram’s parking lot, and I opened my eyes when I heard traffic, only to find us going down the street. I turned my head cautiously, looking back. John only had one hand on the handlebars, the other resting against his knee.

He smiled up at me. “Alright up there, baby?”

“Y-Yeah.” I relaxed my grip on the bars a little, calming down just from the eased look on his face. “I’m not too much, right?”

John laughed again. “No, you’re practically nothing.” He shook his head, and I turned my attention back to the road, making sure we didn’t get ran over.

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“Alright, now get your ass off.” John panted a little after we’d finally made it the good two miles to the park. He slowed down enough for me to drop to the ground before the bike caught my legs, and he dropped it, practically collapsing onto the grass. His arm raised itself weakly, reaching for me, and I lay down next to him in the grass, shyly looking up at him every few minutes before letting my eyes travel over the rest of the park. He caught me multiple times, making it known how obvious I was being, and his arm hooked behind me, moving me closer to him. I curled against his side, laying my head on his chest. It stopped rising and falling as fast as it was before as he caught his breath, his fingers running over my back lightly. John looked to his side at me finally, smiling.

“I love you.” He mumbled, his lips falling over my forehead, staying there for a few moments.

“I love you too.” I drew on his chest lightly. “What was that for?”

“I don’t know. I feel like if I say it enough times, you’ll start believing it.” He laughed awkwardly. “We had a bad start, and I know I’m going to have to make up for that for a while.”

We both fell quiet for a few minutes, and I just lay there listening to John’s heartbeat, trying to get up the courage to bring up what I wanted to. He gently rubbed my back, yawning. “John.” I finally spoke up, my voice coming out a lot weaker than I planned, and I cleared my throat.

“Hm?” His eyes met mine, making it even harder to find the right words.

“W-Well…” I stuttered out. “I f-figured…now that both our families know…” I trailed off, his eyes practically piercing through me; I didn’t have to keep going. He didn’t say or do anything, his head nodded slightly, letting me know he knew what I meant, but beyond that he just lay there, and I wasn’t sure what way to take that as an answer.

“Really my mom only knows.” He bit his lip, glancing back over at me. “Ross and Shane don’t…” He trailed off. “And my pops…if he knew.” John shook his head, laughing weakly.

“Sorry.” I mumbled against his chest, not sure how to make him feel any safer about the whole ordeal. A car pulled into the parking lot just as I looked up at John, and he scrambled up off the grass, tugging me up with him. I separated myself from John, fixing myself and smoothing down my hair. Pat and Garrett shot out of the car.

“John Ohh!” Garrett yelled multiple times, getting John’s attention, who just nodded. “We have to go, man.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” John waved, his hand awkwardly flying up to his hair, as he glanced down at me. Pat smiled and waved at me. I waved back half-heartedly, not sure whether to just leave or not. I looked up at John, who was staring blankly straight ahead, hands in his hair. I exhaled shakily, finally mustering up the courage to just walk away.

I was barely out of arms reach when I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I turned around, not knowing what to expect, and collided blindly with John’s chest. His arms wound around me tighter than ever, and I clung to him terribly like a little kid on its first day of school. John let out a weak laugh, burying his head in my neck, and I nuzzled my face into his chest, not wanting to forget any part of him for the next six months I’d be on my own.

“Will you hurry up?!” Garrett’s angered voice interrupted the moment entirely, as he kicked a fencepost, pissed over something, and I pulled myself out of John’s hold, his hand gripped under my chin as I tried to tug myself away and get this entire thing over with. He leaned closer, and his breath hit my face. I shook my head, trying to get away again, but his thumb ran over my chin, and only smiled.

“John, you have to go.” I looked away from his face, feeling the familiar burning in my eyes and I fought against it, biting down on my lip as it quivered. “Really, it’s fine; see you later and all that.” His eyes wouldn’t stop staring through mine, and I heard an exasperated sigh come from the boy waiting on me to go so he could just take John and leave. John turned away from me for a moment, still holding onto me, one hand on my chin, the other loosely holding onto the fabric of my shirt. He released my shirt, and made some sort of gesture at Garrett, who cursed back at him, causing John to laugh, before he returned his full attention to me.

I exhaled, and looked back up at him, just long enough for him to notice. A weak smile spread over his face for the millionth time today since he’d come over this morning, and he leaned down, his lips pressing against mine softly, and then it was over.

Just as easily as he’d stood before me not ready to let go, he’d left in the same fashion, and I couldn’t bring myself to move from the spot he left me. My feet felt cemented in the ground, and I just sat down, tugging my knees into me and watching the different people that came and left the park over time. I was sure I knew a few people, but I couldn’t put names to faces, regardless of the small waves I got.