Only in the Moonlight Does This Feel Right

I haven’t really slept since I found out, which was a week ago. I go in and out. Fall asleep for a minute or two, wake up and stay awake until I fall asleep for a few minutes again, and repeat it all over again.

I know that Jacob’s tried to talk to me, but I’ve stayed away from him. I think he got the message and hasn’t been back in three days. I felt horrible for that, but I didn’t know what to feel after anything now. My emotions were scrambled everywhere and I had to straighten them out and put them back where they belonged.

'So that was what Blake meant when he called them ‘mutts’…' I thought.

I turned on my side and sighed. My curtains hadn’t moved either. They didn’t move after I closed them. My room had been pretty much dark this whole time, the only light coming from my cell phone whenever I got bored and decided to play with it.

The only time I left the room, was to go to the bathroom and to eat my dinner at the early hours of the morning. Sometimes I left the room if I knew that no one was in the house and that they wouldn’t be coming home for a few hours. To make it easier on me, since she knew that I did this, Emily would go to the market everyday and only buy the things she needed for that night’s dinner and the next day’s breakfast. I left little ‘thank you’ notes all around the kitchen whenever she did this.

My phone buzzed and its usual alarm went off for 2:30 in the morning. It was time for my dinner. I slipped on some socks and put my hair in a ponytail. I had to sneak around the house during my time out when everyone was home. I didn’t want anyone to make any sort of commotion about me just because they saw me out of my room.

I slowly opened my door and peaked down the stairs. All the lights were off. I silently began to make my decent down the staircase and into the living room.

I rushed into the kitchen and took the plastic wrap off of a plate that Emily prepared for me—she did this for me as well—and placed it into the microwave. I grabbed it as soon as it beeped, not wanting the contraption to wake anyone up and carried the plate up to my room along with a fork and a drink.

I placed everything onto the bed and I sat down. I stared at the food—I wasn’t hungry right now, though I knew I had to eat it. Emily was letting me stay home from school this whole week, and she wasn’t too pleased with it, but allowed it anyways; now not eating, that was going over the edge for her—she would not have it.

As soon as I finished the plate, I placed it outside the door. Emily always came to check if I had eaten everything on the plate in the mornings. I returned back inside and sat on my bed, as per usual.

I looked at the window and stared at it for a while, debating on whether or not to open the curtains for a while. What harm could it do…? I thought and walked over to them.

I grabbed them and then pulled them apart, letting the moonlight flood into my room. I looked out and saw the world again—it fell like I hadn’t done this in years, and it honestly felt relaxing.

I looked out into the forest and my heart stopped. A russet colored wolf was lying down on the floor, and was using a log as a pillow as he let his head rest upon it. His head perked up and his eyes shot over to me in slight surprise.

I gulped and kept eye contact with him and when he looked away, got up and left, I closed the curtains once again. I knew that wolf—how could I forget?—it was Jacob. Tears stung my eyes and I felt guilt over come me.

I was making him feel like that. I was making him feel misery.

'I’m a horrible person…' I thought, disappointed in myself.

-{}-

I was an idiot.

How could I have let my anger control my actions and shift into my wolf form in front of Jade? How could I have been so stupid…?

I walked into the trees at midnight and began to undress, tied my clothes onto a string around my ankle, and shifted. I instantly heard the current conversation Chris, Quil, and Embry were having.

'No way, Quil, Taylor Swift is way hotter than Carrie Underwood.' Embry debated.

'Why are we even having this conversation?' Chris thought. 'Hey Jake,'

'Hey Jake,' Embry and Quil said in unison.

'Hi guys,' I answered and began to make my way to Jade’s.

'I’ll walk with you,' Chris said, and then appeared out of the brush and trees.

'Sure.' I nodded. It was quiet and then I had to ask. 'Has Jade come out at all?'

'Yes, but only when no one’s around to see her. I’m getting worried for her. She doesn’t sleep during the day—not a lot anyways. I can hear her breathing slow down when she’s asleep, but after 5 minutes she wakes up and does the same thing over again a while later.' He answered. 'It’s scaring the living shit out of me.'

What had I done to her…?

'Jake, you didn’t do anything to her.' Chris said. 'Everyone has their own way of dealing with things; my sister’s is just out of the ordinary. She’ll get over it on her own terms. Don’t worry. It’s not like she’s going to go suicidal or something.'

I stiffened and stopped walking at ‘suicidal’. I don’t know what the hell I’d do if she did that.

'Jake,' Chris warned. 'My sister’s not stupid enough to do something like that.'

'I know… and she’s not stupid at all.' I answered. 'I just can’t think straight right now.'

We soon got to his house and I lay down at the spot that I had been occupying for the last week, which was right across from Jade’s bedroom. I watched Chris walk into the house and saw his light turn on and then off a few minutes later as he got into bed.

I rested my head upon the log and stared at Jade’s room, nothing was heard from her except her soft breathing. About two hours passed and then she began to walk around. I heard her door open softly, and then heard her light footsteps descending the stairs. The microwave turned on and then she retreated back to her room in a moment’s notice.

A little later, she walked and opened the curtains. I saw her for the first time in one hell of a long week.

There were dark circles under her eyes, and they looked bleak and dull—lifeless. I saw her once tan skin became pale and porcelain like. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy. Her hair was crumpled up and was a mess. Her clothes were loose fitting and were askew as they barely hung to her body.

Yet she still seemed to be beautiful to me…

Her eyes connected with mine and I saw pain come across them. My heart wrenched with guilt as I saw this. This was all my doing. If only I had been more careful—more discreet—more controlled.

'Jacob, it’s your turn for patrol.' Embry called. 'Leah just got here, c’mon man, I’m tired.'

I sadly turned away from Jade and I immediately heard the sound of the curtains covering the window. I took a quick glance back and I was right—she was no longer in my sight. I then took off towards the guys and Leah, tonight was going to be a long one…

-{}-

I was lying on my bed, and was staring at my window. If I looked out there again, would I see the same thing—would I see Jake?

'Should I even chance it…?' I questioned myself. 'No… If you hurt that much last night, how much worse is it going to be if you see him again?'

There was a knock on my door and Emily opened the door. My eyes shut closed and I tried to make myself appear like I was asleep.

“I know you’re awake Jade, don’t think I don’t know that.” She said sternly. “You and I have to talk.”

My eyes slowly opened once I realized she meant business and looked at her through the corner of my eye, too tired to turn over to look at her properly.

She walked over and sat down on my bed, and looked at me with concern. “You know that you can’t stay in here forever, right? Just because you leave the room at two, three in the morning doesn’t make it any less worse either.” She said. “Jade, you need to get out of here. This isn’t healthy.”

I shook my head in disagreement.

“Yes, Jade, you have to. Everyone’s worried sick about you. Jacob especially—he’s the worst. He barely even eats.” She said. All I could do was listen to her lecture. “And I can’t exactly let you stay home from school forever now can I?”

I shook my head, I knew that she couldn’t do that, and I knew for a fact that home schooling was out of the question. I would eventually have to go back to school and see everyone again.

“Jade, please, come out right now. No one’s here but me, you and Chris. I think you should come out. If not for you, than do it for Chris, because he’s really concerned for you. It’ll make him happy to see you out of your room for once.”

I sighed and sat up in bed slowly. “Fine… I’ll go.”

She smiled and pulled me into a hug. “Thank you, any requests for breakfast?”

“Just make whatever you want, I won’t mind.”

“Alright, come down when you’re ready.” She nodded. “Breakfast will be on the table.”

I gave a slight nod and took a deep breath. I grabbed some new clothes—just some shorts and a tank—and walked downstairs and into the bathroom for a quick shower. After the shower, I dried myself off and put my clothes on. I applied some cover up to hide the dark circles and bags under my eyes. If I was going to be seen, even if it was only my brother and Emily, I didn’t want to look like death warmed over.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, mentally preparing myself for the worst. I grabbed the knob and then walked out of the bathroom. I walked downstairs and into the living room.

I could see Emily in the kitchen washing the dishes the guys had left after their breakfast and Chris was watching television, his back to me.

I walked silently to the table and sat where my plate was placed. Emily had made me some Buttermilk Pancakes with blueberries, She put some syrup on top and there was a glass of orange juice on the side.

Emily turned and saw me, a smile jumping onto her lips. “Morning Jade,” She called.

Chris turned to look at me and smiled as well. He turned the TV off and then walked over to me. “Hey,” He said, taking a seat opposite of me. “How’ve you been?”

I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know how I had been.

He stayed quiet, unsure of what to say next. “Do you have any questions?”

I nodded my head. “Yea,” I mumbled.

He nodded his head. “I thought so…”

“How long have you know about this, and that includes both of you?” I looked at Emily and she turned off the water, dried her hands, and came over and sat down.

“I’ve known since before you came. One day, Sam and I were having an argument, and he got out of control. He changed in front of me and lashed out. That’s how I got these scars.”

“He did that to you…?” I asked. “And you’re staying with him…?”

“Yes and yes.” She nodded. “I love him, and nothing will ever change that. Have they told you about imprinting?”

I shook my head. “What’s that?”

“I’m not sure if we should tell you. That’s more of the pack’s responsibility to tell.” She sighed. “I’ll ask Sam later if we can tell you.”

“I don’t see why not, I mean she already knows about us.” Chris shrugged.

“Yes, but I don’t know if Sam wants Jacob to tell her.”

Chris nodded and looked at me. “Do you ever want to see him again?”

“Yea…” I mumbled.

“Great, I’ll call him over right—” He started, but I cut him off.

“No!” I shouted. “Not yet,”

“Alright,” He sighed and relaxed in his chair. “But soon, because he’s tearing himself apart.”
I sighed. “I know, saw him last night.” I said quietly.

“You did, when?” Emily looked surprised.

“I looked out and he was sitting there outside my window as a wolf.” I said. “I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not horrible, Jade, everyone’s different. Everyone handles things differently.” Emily said, placing her hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “And given the situation, I don’t blame you. You’re just confused and need some time to get things together. I was the same way after Sam did what he did.”

“And I still don’t forgive myself,” Sam’s voice said, and he walked into the dining room, shirtless with his usual denim shorts. “I never will.”

Emily smiled and walked over to him, kissing him lovingly. “Well, you should, because I do, and that’s all that matters.”

Sam smiled and kissed her. “Alright, alright, alright, stop with the love fest!” Chris pleaded. They pulled away, but Sam still held Emily close to him. “Hey Sam, can we tell Jade about imprinting?”

“Leave that to Jacob, he needs to be the one to explain that.”

Chris nodded and stood up. “Well, I’m going back to bed.” He declared. “See you whenever I wake up.”

Chris left and then Sam sat with Emily in the living room, watching TV together. I finished up my plate, washed it in the sink, and then went back up to my room. Having a full stomach made me feel tired, and I felt drowsy, ready for sleep.

-{}-

After patrolling the area, my shift was over and I headed home.

It was now later in the day, and Billy was off at Charlie’s watching a football game with him, and so I had the house all to myself. I was glad for it, but I wished that Jade could be here with me.

I changed into some new clothes after a quick shower and rested on my bed for a while. I tossed and turned on my spring bed, hoping for sleep to take me away so I could at least dream about myself being with Jade. I didn’t have much luck though.

I got up from bed and looked at the clock. It was five in the afternoon now. I went downstairs and heated up some leftovers from last night’s dinner. It was nothing compared to Emily’s cooking, but I knew that I couldn’t go back there until this whole thing was blown over.

The house phone rang and I debated on whether or not I should answer it. It might be Billy calling from Charlie’s. I thought.

I walked over and got it from the receiver. I looked at the caller ID. Sam Uley.

I pressed the green button and placed it next to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jake, its Chris,”

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Nothing, but guess what, good news.”

“What?”

“Jade came out of her room for breakfast today.” He said; a smile made its way onto my face. At least she was coming out of her room. “She wasn’t talkative, but she did speak. We were going to tell her about imprinting, but Sam said that you needed to be the one to tell her.”

“That’s great, Chris,” I said enthusiastically. “Did you guys talk about anything else?”

“No, not really, but I thought I should just let you know what’s going on.”

“Alright, well, thanks man,” I said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye Jake,”

I hung up the phone and smiled. After eating I washed the plates, fully knowing that Billy would have a cow if I hadn’t, and walked upstairs. I felt much better knowing that Jade came out today and talked with them. It made me feel like things were finally turning out for the better. I soon fell asleep on my bed feeling slightly more content with these thoughts.

When I awoke, I looked to the side and then picked up the pair of shoes that were next to my nightstand. They were Jade’s, when we were out playing hide-n-seek, she forgot to put them back on, I’ve had them ever since.

'Now’s a good time to give them back,' I thought and smirked as I slipped on my own shoes and walked out the door.

I got onto my bike and then drove over to Sam and Emily’s, jumping off and killing the engine as soon as I stopped. I walked into the house and notice Emily and Sam look at me in slight confusion, but they knew what I was doing here.

I went up the stairs and came to her door. I knocked and waited for her to answer. As soon as she opened the door a crack I smiled, and it grew as she stepped fully into the doorframe. She paused as she saw me and we just kept eye contact for a minute.

“Hey,” I smiled.

“Hey,” She whispered back, her voice quivering.

-{}-

What was Jake doing here…?

I could only stare into his chocolate eyes, and feel myself becoming sucked into them, losing myself in them.

“Hey,” He said, a smile breaking out onto his features.

“Hey,” I said, and felt myself slowly being pulled into reality.

“Um, you forgot your shoes, thought I would bring them back to you.” He said and stretched his arms out so I could take them back.

“Thanks,” I said and slowly took them out of his hands and placed them onto the ground next to me.

It was quiet again and was very awkward.

He sighed and then pushed his way into my room. I moved out of the way and watched him turn to face me. “We need to talk, Jade.” He said. I didn’t move or say anything. He sighed again and then closed the door. “Please don’t give me the silent treatment,” He begged.

“I’m not, I… I just don’t know what to say,” I said softly.

“Okay,” He nodded in understanding. “Do you have any questions you want me to answer?” I nodded and sat down onto my bed, and he joined me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Ask away,”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you could do this?”

“I couldn’t,”

“Why?”

“It’s a rule that we have. Sam sets them—he’s Alpha. No matter how much we don’t like them, if he says something, we have to follow it.” He explained. “I wasn’t able to, that’s why I couldn’t.”

I nodded as I took it in. “Makes sense,”

“Yea, anything else?”

“What’s imprinting?”

He chuckled. “I had a feeling you’d ask,” He smiled his perfect smile at me, and a sensation of happiness went off inside me, though I concealed it from him. “It’s when you find your one true love, kind of like a soul mate. Something just goes off in you and nothing matters anymore to you—nothing… just her. All you want to see is her; all you want to do is just be with her; all you want to think about is her; everything revolves around her. It’s like you’re on some strange new planet and she’s the gravity, always bringing you back to her. It’s… it’s amazing.” He said.

“So… you imprinted… on me?” I asked.

“Yes, I did, and I’m glad that I did.” He smiled. “I’m sorry that you had to find out about the secret like that.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” I nodded.

“More questions?”

“Yes… but I don’t think I need to ask anything anymore.”

“Why?”

“Cause I don’t care anymore.” He gave me a confused look and I rolled my eyes and kissed his lips.

He lifted his hand up and wrapped it around my neck, pulling me closer to him and I smiled in the kiss. As he pulled me closer, I ended up straddling his hips. His other hand rested upon my back and made sure there was no gap between our bodies.

We pulled away and I looked at him with sad eyes as I remembered the night before, and how distraught, lonely, and hopeless he looked. “I’m so sorry, I’ve been so stupid.” I said quietly, my voice cracking.

“No, no, no, you’re not stupid, you never have been, never will be. It’s fine, I understand. You just needed some time and some answers. Kim was the same way when she found out about us and especially Jared. She was worse actually…” He mumbled.

“I still feel horrible though, I never should of done that to you or anyone else. I feel so selfish.”

“You’re not; you probably won’t even let me pay a quarter for a gum ball.” He laughed. “Don’t feel that way, you shouldn’t.”

I stared at him and looked into his eyes. I nodded and then hugged him tightly. “Alright,” I murmured.

He pulled away, smiling and then kissed my lips quickly. “Good, now let’s get downstairs, I can smell food.”

I laughed full-heartedly and nodded, giving him a quick hug before we went downstairs.

I was so happy to have my Jacob back.

I was so happy to have someone to love.