Wanna Tell You How I Feel Inside

You know what’s extremely awkward and uncomfortable? Sitting in an emergency waiting room with only people who had your guts for an agonizing hour and a half. The doctor and I argued saying I should get my own room and rest for my ribs. Obviously I didn’t want to. The whole time I was getting my arm wrapped up and the twenty minutes I just had to sit there no one came in. It’s not like I expected different. When I emerged in the waiting room everyone either stared at me blankly, glared, or was too busy crying to notice me at all. The whole group sat in the front right corner, I sat on the opposite end. Looking around, no one else was even in the room minus the receptionist behind a glass wall.

On the wall was a bench made of only three chairs. All three were occupied by the Bakers. Mrs. Baker was laying her head on Mr. Baker’s chest. They both looked like they were about to bawl at any moment. Mattie sat next to them. His eyes were fixed on the emergency room doors, his face blank. On the other row of chairs that was on a ninety degree angle, the one I sat on, sat the guys. Johnny’s hands were in his face, but I couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. Brian, however, was another story. He was in the same position as Johnny, but his shoulders shook with silent sobs. Jimmy sat next to Brian, rubbing his back in some hope of comforting him. He glared at me a few times, but I could tell the tears were threatening to fall. Matt sat next to Jimmy with a completely blank face. His eyes were looking to the floor but I never saw a tear fall from them. He looks like he’s in shock.

Me? I sat four seats away from Matt, my legs in the chair and hugged to my knees. Ever since I got in the room where my arm got fixed up the only thought that ran through my mind was ‘I’m sorry’. It still is. If I had looked up to a wall to see it moving, I would have never noticed I was rocking back and forth. But it was comforting in a strange way. It felt like my mom was rocking me back and forth like she did to me when I was younger and upset. I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to stop the tears from flowing. That was useless. The tears fell and I wrapped my arms tighter around my body.

What the fuck will I do if Zacky dies? Surely not stay here or anywhere else. Everyone will think of me as a murderer.

My thoughts were cut off by the emergency room door opening. We all looked up to see a doctor with short brown hair walk into the room. He looked around at all of our faces, sadness clear in his eyes. I let out a sob, already assuming the worse. I was a murderer, wasn’t I?

“How- how is my son?” Mrs. Baker sobbed.

“He is in critical care, but he is getting better.” The eight of us let out a shaky breath I think none of us knew we were holding. “But he does have a broken leg, broken arm, and four broken ribs. He had a concussion, but it is gone now. He will not be allowed to play sports for a long while.”

“So he’ll heal fine?” The doctor nodded which made Mrs. Baker cry happy tears. Everyone else was smiling, except me. Did no one realize that he couldn’t play baseball this season? He was always looking forward to that. Then it dawned on me, he can’t play his guitar either. I’ve taken away the two most important things from him for now. What is wrong with me?

“Can we see him?” Brian choked out. The doctor looked hesitant but nodded.

“He’s up for now, but I don’t know for how long. He’s under some heavy medication.” Everyone nodded, standing to their feet. I paused with my feet back on the ground, but I hadn’t stood yet. Should I really go? I doubted anyone would want me to. I shook my head. I had to. I needed to apologize to Zacky even if he couldn’t hear me. I followed the group down the small hallway to the ICU section. Everyone but the Bakers were told to wait outside. While the family was in Brian, Jimmy, Johnny, and Matt sat together on chairs next to the door. When I sat down in one of the four across from them, I got glares the first three.

“What the fuck are you doing here? Friends and family only,” Brian hissed. I knew that was coming, but it didn’t hurt any less.

“I need to apologize to him,” I muttered pathetically, not being able to meet any of their gazes.

“He doesn’t need your stupid apology. It’s not going to fix one goddamn thing,” Jimmy snarled.

“You don’t think I know that? It’s not going to heal him faster, it’s not going to turn back time, it’s not going to erase this, it’s not even going to make feel less guilty or less stupid. But you know what? I need to do this. I don’t give a fuck if he can hear me or if I sound like an idiot. I need to do what I wanted to do before my mother died, I want to apologize for everything I’ve done wrong to him. For every moment I said something wrong, behaved badly, or made him feel sad. I’m a horrible person, I get that. Let me do this one selfless thing and I will disappear forever,” I whisper shouted, not wanting to disturb anyone. Jimmy, Johnny, and Brian all sobered up automatically and adverted their gazes.

“Boys? You can go now,” Mr. Baker stated as he, Mrs. Baker, and Mattie all left the room with tears. The four guys quickly walked in, shutting the door behind them. The Bakers all stopped in front of me, seeming to be studying me. “We are going to go get something to eat. Will you want anything?”

“No thank-you,” I spoke barely above a whisper. By the look Mattie was giving me he was obviously blaming me for this. I couldn’t tell what his parents thought. They were gone and in the elevators to head to the cafeteria that I knew had to be here somewhere. Once the door slid shut I was stuck alone with my thoughts. Let me tell you this, I didn’t want to hear them, but the only other noise was the muffled voices of the four inside with Zacky. I began to violently bite my nails. After about fifteen minutes the group of boys walked back out, trying not to cry. They retook their seats as the nurse turned to me.

“Ms. Edwards? You can see Zacky now if you wish, but he just feel back asleep.” I nodded, standing and walking to the door. It felt like I was walking on lava with every step. As I entered the room, the nurse closed the door. Now it was only me and Zacky in the room. I felt tears resurface. His left arm, left leg, and stomach was wrapped in gauze. He seemed to just blend in with this room with the five million machines. I sat on one of the seats on his right. I gripped his hand, tears falling down my cheeks.

“Zacky, I am so fucking sorry. I should have just listened when you called me. I’m sorry I punched you when I first met you, I’m sorry I called you a faggot for playing guitar. I really love guitar! I’m sorry I gave you shit forever. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about what happened at the pool party. I know now that you guys couldn’t have done that, you seemed like you cared too much. I’m sorry I screamed at you. I’m sorry I made you get hit by that truck. It’s all my fault you’re here. You‘re my fucking brother and I‘m sorry, most of all, that I never treated you like one,” I sobbed. I looked up when I felt his hand squeeze mine back. He had a loopy grin, probably from whatever pain medication they gave him.

“So you are willing to call me your brother now?” I smiled as I let out another sob that was bubbling in my chest.

“Of course! You and Mattie are my brothers. Your parents are like my parents. That is if they still want me after this,” I whispered at the end. He squeezed my hand again.

“I want you still. If they know I do, they will too. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. No one deserves that,” Zacky said with ‘sorry’ written all over his face. I gently hugged him and I could feel him smile against my cheek.

“Go to sleep now brother, you need it.” Zacky nodded, automatically falling asleep. I stayed there holding his hand for another half an hour. Finally the nurse walked back in with a sympathetic smile.

“Ms. Edwards, you must come out now. Visiting hours are over.” I numbly nodded before standing. I gave Zacky one last kiss on the forehead before leaving with the nurse. I walked down the hall and back to the waiting room. Everyone sat in their seats again quietly talking, some with a food or drink in hand. No one even looked up when I exited. I stood in front of them until I caught Matt’s attention. Once he fell quiet everyone followed his gaze. I took a deep breath before speaking.

“I am sorry I caused so many problems with everyone here. I know I put Zacky in the hospital for my stupidity, but you have understand I didn’t mean it. Guys, I’m sorry I gave you so much shit. I wanted to just go home, I missed my friends dearly. But I realized at a moment too late that my greatest friends are-” I cut myself off, having to correct it. “Were here. But I made a mistake. I could ask for forgiveness, but I really don’t expect any of you to do it. I wouldn’t do it. So I will just leave you all for good.”

As I tried to leave I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. It hurt my stomach a little, but I fought the pain back. I was turned around to meet Mrs. Baker’s face, tears in her eyes. “My only daughter is not leaving me now.”

“Re-really?” I choked out, tears filling my eyes. Mr. Baker walked up behind her, smiling too.

“We’re not giving up on you that easily.” I smiled, getting pulled into a three way hug. When we split Mattie walked up to me.

“We’ve only met once, but you are the greatest sister. Sure you’ve made a mistake or two, but we’re only human,” Mattie pointed out, a shrug in his shoulders. I smiled as we embraced. When we parted I turned to look at the guys who seemed torn, Brian stood suddenly and walked up to me. I involuntarily shrunk a little under his gaze. He automatically softened and took me into a hug.

“How about this, a truce. You stop being a bitch and I stop trying to kill you.” I laughed but nodded. Soon Johnny and Jimmy both stood and hugged me, apologizing for everything they did. A small war of who my new best friend was ensued between the three. I turned to Matt who stood next to me.

“Hey.” I said quietly.

“Hey,” He replied, just as quietly. I took a bold step forward and wrapped my good arm around his waist. I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his scent.

“I am so fucking sorry. I’ve liked you since the moment I met you, but I just couldn’t let you know. I was such an idiot!” I sobbed, ruining his shirt. He gently lifted my chin, making me look into his beautiful eyes.

“We all make mistakes.” That was all he said before her connected our lips. It felt like fireworks going off in my stomach. So when you know you’ve met the right person your butterflies explode? That’s peachy to think about. When we parted I held a grin that stretched practically from ear to ear. “I love you Sage.”

“I love you too Matt.”