Confessions

Andy: October

“Delilah’s a gorgeous name,” he says, and I want to gag.

At the same time, I can’t help but overhear the things he’s saying to her.

“He” being Gabe.

Gabe, being Victoria’s new bandmate.

Gabe, being the one currently hitting on Lila.

Lila, being my best friend.

But Gabe-

I’ve heard a lot about him, some from Victoria, mostly just around campus.

I sip my can of beer, just watching, waiting for his next move and also Lila’s reaction.

“Right. Nice try,” she replies, patting his arm condescendingly. I smirk inwardly at my best friend’s reply, even though some combination of booze and jealousy is running through my veins because of the way he looks at her and keeps his hand on her arm.

It reminds me of that time when we were six and I tried to kiss her.

After which she promptly punched me in the stomach and pushed me into the sandbox.

I’m hoping for an encore with this Gabe guy, if I’m being honest with myself.

She starts to walk away, but he pulls her back playfully to continue the conversation.

I hate that she’s smiling at his persistence.

And most of my other thoughts revolve around the fact that she looks unbelievably amazing tonight, with the help of Melly and Victoria of course, so I shouldn’t really blame him for wanting to be around her.

The only thing that makes me sicker than I already am is knowing that almost every other guy at this party is probably undressing her with their eyes.

“God, you’re such a fucking creep,” Mike joins me, a red plastic cup in each hand.

“I don’t want anything bad happening to her,” I say, brushing his comments off and managing to tear my gaze from them for a few seconds.

“Yeah, she looks like she’s dying for someone to save her,” he snorts sarcastically in his wheezing laughter. I clench my fist around my beer can; she’s letting Gabe lead her away for a dance.

“Shut up.”

“Hey, don’t take it out on me that Lila might be getting some tonight.”

“Shut the fuck up already, will you?” I snap at him in irritation.

“Dude, the longer you wait to tell her, the harder it’s going to get. I mean…Jesus, Butcher. What are you going to do when we graduate? What if she gets a job or decides to go to grad school in…I don’t know-Prague, moves away forever, and you never did anything about it?”

He leaves just as I open my mouth to answer, so I guess it was a rhetorical question.

I take another swig from my can and turn my attention back to Gabe and Lila.

I glare at him while her body molds against his as they dance and I continue to gulp down my drinks sourly.

I watch as his hands grip her waist, travel up her stomach, and then go back down towards her legs.

“This is my friend, Marcy,” Sisky interrupts, stumbling to a stop in front of me, hand in hand with a girl I’ve never seen before. “So…can I borrow your keys to the apartment? I can’t find mine,” he states, somehow managing to be coherent, considering.

“If you have sex on my bed, I’ll fucking strangle you in your sleep,” I inform him grumpily, but handing over my set of keys all the same.

“No worries, dude,” he replies easily, taking them from me.

I roll my eyes and sigh impatiently.

I’m dying to leave, but one of the top ten rules of friendship is you never leave your drunken best friend by herself at a party.

And then there’s the whole Sisky + random girl situation in the small apartment we share.

So I wait.

It’s an hour and thirteen (almost fourteen) minutes later when she finds me sitting on a couch, talking to William.

“You guys ready to leave?” she asks. Her gray-blue eyes are disinterested while many other pairs follow her every move.

“Let’s get out of here,” I immediately blurt out.

“Where’s everyone else?” she asks.

“Melly and Michael left half an hour ago, Mike said he’d wait for Victoria, but I haven’t seen her in a while, and Sisky…” William trails off, glancing around the crowded apartment.

“Is at the apartment with a girl he just met,” I finish for him, as I’m ushering the two of them to the door.

“It’s okay. You can come stay with me,” Lila offers, linking her arm with mine.

We walk Bill to his, Michael, and Mike’s apartment building first, then head down the next block to Lila, Victoria, and Melly’s.

“So…what was up with you and Gabe?” I hesitantly ask.

“Who?” she asks blankly, after we get in the elevator.

“You’re not that drunk, Lila. Gabe. Tall guy? Victoria’s friend?”

“Oh,” she says indifferently. “Him. What about him?” The elevator doors slide open.

“I don’t know. You were talking to him a lot, that’s all.”

“Butcher, Victoria introduced me. He asked me to dance. That’s it.”

“Right,” I say, letting it drop.

“Don’t be like that. Please?” she sighs tiredly. “I hope Melly and Chiz aren’t here…” she trails off thoughtfully, unlocking the door.

We hear no noises and figure it’s safe to enter the bedroom.

I collapse onto her bed beside her.

“Couch not good enough for you anymore?” she teases, rearranging herself.

“I’d much rather be here, next to you,” I reply. The ends of her honey-blonde hair tickle my face.

“Cheesy, Butcher.” We’re comfortably silent for awhile before I speak again.

“We should go out somewhere and eat or something,” I try.

“We always go out to eat and do things,” she points out, closing her eyes. I exhale impatiently.

“But not the way I want to do them,” I retort, but she’s fallen asleep already and probably hasn’t heard.

She always listens, but she never hears what I say.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Do you love her?”

“Of course I do,” I mumble uncomfortably, playing with a loose thread on my hoodie under the camera’s Cyclops eye.

“Why don’t you tell her?”

“It’s just that easy, huh?” I laugh hollowly.

“That’s why you don’t want to graduate?”

“Mostly, yeah,” I answer truthfully.

“Why?”

“We’ve been best friends since we were little. We’ve practically seen each other every day for the past 15 years. She’s literally my girl next door.”

“So you’re afraid you won’t be together after graduation? It won’t be the same?”

“Of course it won’t be the same. Not for us, not for me or any other of our friends,” I point out.

“How did you meet her?”

“We were five when she moved onto my block.”

“And then what?”

I smile instinctively, remembering.

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” I don’t give her time to answer. “She doesn’t. I do.”

I laugh humorlessly.

“Go figure.”

I shake my head, fixated on some point beyond the camera, which she stops wordlessly, sensing that I’m not in the best mood for this, or maybe I’m being too honest for her little project.

I wait for her to say something, but she keeps quiet and busies herself with her camera.

“Victoria?” I ask, standing up to leave.

“Yeah?” she replies.

“Don’t use this. Don’t tell her.”

“I know.”