Fearing Death

“Wake up, babe, we’re here.” Jon smiled, lightly shaking Jordyn awake as he held her body to his, standing in the baggage claim at Hector International Airport. Jordyn wiped the sleep from her eyes, they both found out right away that airplanes scared her and his best advice was to try and sleep after he plugged the headphones that connected into his iPhone into her ears. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep under Jon’s arm and he set her down onto her feet as they reached the baggage claim. Wheeling her new, purple suitcase behind her, she ran upon seeing Andree.

“Grandma!” She squealed as Andree hugged her tightly before she could jump onto Bryan, grinning as he kissed all over her face.

“Bonjour Mama.” Jon smiled, hugging her tightly before moving onto his father who surrendered Jordyn to Davey, her favorite Uncle who placed her on his shoulders.

“Davey, Jon said you would take me fishing.” She informed him as Bryan took up Jordyn’s suitcase, they’d be staying with them for a week at the family strawberry farm and Jon wanted her to have the full experience.

“Duh we’re going to go fishing.” He laughed as they walked out of the airport in the warm sun. Jon tapped Jordyn on the thigh and she looked down at him to see that he was handing her the sunglasses she had just gotten, slipping them over her eyes.

A quick nap on the way back to the farm and Jordyn was bouncing out of the car. “Oh, puppy.” She grinned, walking towards the old golden retriever who sat in the driveway patiently. Gem, the family’s dog, ate up the attention from the little girl, licking up and down her face as she rubbed his back.

“Gem, that’s enough.” Jon laughed as he jumped up on him, the dog being big enough for it’s forepaws to brace on Jon’s chest as he saw his old friend again. Gem trotted behind the two as Jon showed Jordyn around the house. “And this is your room.” He opened the door to a very old fashioned, quaint looking bedroom. The walls were powder-pink with dark wood moldings and furniture.

“Oh, I like it.” She smiled, setting her backpack down on the bed and taking out her stuffed penguin, situating him among the pillows on the made bed.

“You still tired?” He asked, leaning in the doorway as he set her suitcase just inside the room. “Why don’t you lay down and take a nap? We can continue with all the excitement when you wake up.” He smiled.

“I’m not tired.” She shook her head suppressing a yawn; “I want to go play with Uncle Davey.” She hopped up to him with a big smile, looking up at him excitedly as she set her chin on his chest, blue eyes sparkling excitedly up at him. Jon laughed, taking her hands in his and walking her out to the family room. Taking a running start, she leaped onto the couch on top of Davey.

“Oof.” He huffed before laughing and ruffling her hair before she could start playing with his fingers. Jon disappeared into the kitchen where his Mom was already fixing up some sandwiches and fruit for lunch.

“Baby, what does Jordyn like? Turkey, ham?” Andree asked, her back to him as she moved around the countertop.

“Do you have chicken? She’s picky about deli meat.” He grinned as he heard her giggles from the family room. “She likes chicken with a little Miracle Whip, with cheddar.” He listed off. In a flurry of motion, Jordyn dodged into the kitchen, hiding behind Jon’s frame, barely peeking out as Davey stood in the archway like a showdown.

“Don’t let him get me!” She squealed, burying her face into his back, hugging him tightly around his waist.

“Jon, stay out of this.” Davey warned with a laugh.

“All three of you, out of the kitchen!” Andree laughed. “Well, no, just the two of you, Jordyn do you want to help with lunch?” She asked, to which Jordyn nodded as Jon and Davey both left with a defeated sigh. Two pieces of whole-wheat bread were set in front of Jordyn as she stood behind the counter, and a butter knife placed in her hand. Andree walked her through making Jon’s favorite sandwich, corned beef, lettuce, tomato, provolone, and mayo. Andree piled a few cut strawberries and some Sun Chips along the plate as well before Jordyn could flounce from the kitchen to the family room where Jon, Davey, and Bryan were watching a fishing program.

“For you.” She said excitedly, handing him his plate. He smiled, taking it from her before kissing her forehead before she could run back to the kitchen.

“Look at you.” Davey laughed, shaking his head, taking a drink of his water bottle. Jon looked over at him with raised eyebrows, mid-bite into his sandwich.

“Wha?” He asked through a mouthful of food.

“In full-out Daddy mode.” He added, making Jon swallow his sandwich – hard before his cheeks could flush a bright red. “I – I’m not.

“You are.” Bryan grinned from his recliner as Jordyn bounced out with his sandwich as well.

“Hey! Where’s mine?” Davey asked with a pout, capturing her in his arms as she tried to pass him on the couch on the way back to the kitchen.

“Grandma’s making it!” She squealed as he dug his fingers into her skin softly, making her giggle and squirm.

“So you’ll make Jon’s sandwich but not mine?” He pouted, as she broke free of his grasp.

“Of course! Jon… well, he’s my Jon!” She laughed before returning to the kitchen. Davey grinned as the blush returned to his older brother’s face. Jordyn situated herself in Jon’s lap; her own plate in hers as she excitedly munched on some of her chips, watching as the man in the boat reeled in a giant fish. “I want to do that.” She wiggled excitedly, remembering the promise Davey and her Grandpa made that they would take her out on the lake while they were visiting.

“We will, don’t you worry.” Bryan winked, making Jordyn beam up at Jon.

He was so glad that the same place he thought of when he remembered his childhood could also be Jordyn’s.

•••

Jon laid in bed a few nights later, completely and utterly exhausted; he always got perfect sleep when he came home, knowing that he was going to be worn out all day. Being home with Jordyn was like being home with a box full of puppies. She was always going, always running, asking questions, exploring and discovering.

They had been having a great time at the farm, waking up to strawberry pancakes and sausage every morning with homemade smoothies. They spent four straight days on the lake, with the sunburns to prove it, and every night in the backyard around the bonfire with cider, popcorn, and s’mores.

He looked down at the soft scratch on his wrist from the day Jordyn caught her first fish ever, remembering the extreme amount of pride flowing through him as he helped her hold it up for a photo.

”Um, my thing is… moving.” Jordyn tilted her head after staring at an immobile bobber on the lake for the past two hours. Not quite catching the attention of her male companions, she spoke a little louder as her line began to reel out quickly. “Grandpa! My thing is moving!” She called much more loudly.

“Oh!” Bryan walked over to where she was perched on the speedboat. “Pull ‘er up, Jord, you’ve got a bite!” He grinned excitedly. Jordyn grabbed a hold of her fishing rod.

“What do I do?!” She squealed as the line continued to reel out. Bryan placed his hands over hers, grunting softly when he realized that this fish was a lot bigger than he had planned.

“Davey, grab the net, will you?” He called, reeling in the spool as quickly as possible, tugging and struggling with the fish that fought violently back. Davey raised his eyebrows at his brother before picking up the net and helping his Dad and Niece. Jon meandered slowly over, sipping his beer casually to see the rather exciting scene. Almost dropping his beer, he set it down quickly as Jordyn and his Dad pulled up a walleye that was easily over fifteen pounds. “Well, damn!” Bryan laughed as Davey scooped it from the water with his net. “You got a huge one, Jordyn!” He grinned excitedly.

“I did it!” She bounced excitedly as Jon pulled his camera from Jordyn’s backpack beside the cooler. Bryan pulled it from the net, releasing it from the hook as well, holding it by the mouth. “He’s mine!” She cheered. “But um, you can hold him, Grandpa.” She insisted, making all three of them laugh, reminding them of when Bryan tried to get her to string up her own night crawler on her hook.

“Good job, Jordyn!” Jon smiled, already snapping some pictures.

“Here, get in there, I’ll take some.” Davey said, holding his hand out for the camera. Jon handed it over before stepping in, kneeling down to Jordyn’s height after gripping the fish in his hand. The small Toews family smiled widely as Davey snapped some photos before Bryan could join in as well.

“This is going to make a good lunch, Grandma can soak the filets overnight in milk, and we can fry it up tomorrow for lunch!” Bryan grinned, making Jon groan.

“You want to eat him?!” Jordyn gasped passionately, eyes growing wide. “But I love him!” She looked panicked. “Jon!” She turned to him, “we can’t eat him!” She repeated, looking as it she was going to burst into tears.

“Okay, okay.” He quickly calmed her down as he stepped towards the edge of the boat, closing his eyes with a sigh. “Say goodbye, Jord.” He mumbled as he and his Dad and brother looked on, knowing that he was about to toss overboard one of the biggest walleye any of them had ever seen – much less caught.

“Bye.” She called softly before he could dump him back into the water. She stuck her head over the edge of the boat, watching him swim away until he disappeared altogether.

“Babe, we won’t eat your friend, but if we catch more fish today, we’re gonna bring them home, okay?” Jon said, wiping both of their hands down with Purell.

“Okay.” She muttered, “I just don’t want to see it.” She concluded, making Bryan chuckle.

That was something Jon would definitely remember forever. He couldn’t believe how much Jordyn was making his life, and life in general seem much more significant. He didn’t care as much about his own memories anymore, but he wanted hers to be perfect. He wanted her to look back at what they were doing and remember happy times.

He glanced at his watch, a gaudy and overpriced thing for his birthday from Patrick to see that it was just past midnight – the latest he had stayed up all week. Thunder and lightning shook the house and it was only a few moments later until there was a soft knock on his door.

“Maman?” He called, wondering if she wanted to continue their conversation from earlier about enrolling Jordyn in a different, safer school. The door creaked open and a soft light filtered in from the room across the hall. “Jordyn?” He noticed her small figure clad in her nightgown she had bought a few days ago with Sara for the trip. “Why are you up?” He asked.

“The storm.” She answered quietly. “Can I, can I come in?” She whispered, obviously very shaken. Jon immediately nodded, patting the space beside him on the bed. She quickly padded across the wood floors, launching herself onto the bed and immediately pulling the covers over her. He silently laughed at the way she hid from the lightning, curling up under the blanket.

“It’s easier if you don’t think about it.” Jon insisted. A moment of silence passed between them as she rest her head on his pillow, looking up at him tiredly. “Did you have fun this week?” He asked, lying down beside her. She nodded with a yawn.

“Do we have to go back to Chicago?” She asked meekly.

“Unfortunately yes, but we’ll be back here before you know it, for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that fun stuff.” He grinned, noticing that her hair had gotten significantly longer. “Do you want me get you an appointment to get your hair cut?” He asked, to which she shook her head.

“No, I kinda like it like this.” She whispered gently. “I used to not be allowed to have long hair.” She added. Jon scrunched his nose at her. “I don’t know why, but… she always used to march in my room once a month and cut it herself. I think she liked to do it because she knew I hated it.” She finished with a weak whisper. Jon nodded, hoping that soon enough, she’d have only faint recollections of the Fogley’s.

“Jordyn, you know I play hockey for my job, right?” He asked softly to which she nodded, eyes drooping sleepily. “My job makes me travel a lot, sometimes for more than a week at a time.” He spoke quietly. “And I want you to know that now before it starts again so you aren’t surprised. I’ve arranged for Sara to stay with you for when Patrick and I are gone, but I can promise that I’m never farther than a phone call away.” He said, heart breaking at the way her eyes grew with unwarranted worry. He then spoke the words that his father would tell him when he would be gone for several days and nights. “I’ll never be gone long enough for you to forget what I look like, or how much I love you.”

“You love me?” Jordyn spoke timidly, somewhat shocking Jon with her words.

“Of course I do.” He replied quickly. “You love me, don’t you?” He countered.

“Yes.” She nodded, another moment of silence passed. “Jon, are you my Dad?” She asked. Jon paused, not knowing how to answer the question.

“I’m whatever you want me to be. I can be your friend, I can be your Dad, or… I can just be Jon as usual.” He said, allowing her to make her own decision.

“Okay.” She nodded.

“How about you try to get some sleep? It’s late and we’re going out to breakfast with the family before we fly out.” He insisted. Rolling over to her other side, she curled up into a tight ball, something she always did. “Goodnight Jord.” He whispered gently when he noticed her breathing had considerably evened out, playing with her hair softly, something that comforted him much more than her.

“Goodnight, Dad.”