Still Doll

The sun's dim light that was forcibly breaking through the clouds was slowly disappearing. The day was waving goodbye and the night would return again soon. The streets had begun to slowly become vacant, only the quiet whispers of the wind traveling through tunnels and pipes to be heard, plus the echo of the receding footsteps and the small murmur of the remaining party. Faintly, just faintly if not close enough, the sound of music from inside the bars also made echoes through the empty alleyways. Other than that, it was quiet.

Except in Kanon's head a roar erupted.

Kanon's eyelids slowly and painfully forced themselves to open, rolling around aimlessly in search of the cause of the roar. Through the heaviness in her chest, she could dimly feel her body jerking gently on soft fabric, as if she was in a box that was in the hands of a running boy. She took record of the sound of horses' hoofs pounding steadily on concrete as she sat up, placing her gloved hand on the seat for support. Half closed, her eyes stared fixedly at the inside of the carriage; there was an awful ache in her head, and, lightly touching her face, dried tears had been marked on her cheeks.

She guessed she had cried herself into sleep. What a terrible way to fall asleep, even more to wake up from it.

Kanon leaned back against her seat, feeling herself want to drift off again. She stared out the window of the carriage blankly, watching the houses and buildings go by as the carriage continued on its way towards her future─unknown─destination. As her eyes spotted building after building, without effort to watch them go by, something flickered inside her mind. She thought she recognized this place from somewhere. It looked like somewhere in the town, near...some market, perhaps. The word market itself brought more flickers of recognition, some remembrance.

Before Kanon could ask herself what she was supposed to remember, something that made both her mind and body go into a state of alertness she certainly didn't feel seconds before appeared in the view of the carriage window.

It was outside a small building that reminded her of pastries. A few people were walking out, and there was a brown and white dog with long ears close to the door. In the few seconds that she spotted it, she could make out its big nose and lolling tongue. It was panting. But, of course, it wasn't the dog that made her lean towards the window─it was what was beside it. Or rather who.

There was a girl bending down before the dog. Kanon saw her reach out to pet it in a friendly manner, caressing its furry ears. She was just a little girl, and the smile on her face was pretty and innocent. The smile of innocence...that smile that showed off her top teeth, it reminded her so much of something, or perhaps of someone. She'd seen something like this before, she just needed to remember. She just needed to remember...

...who that girl was.

As the carriage was passing by the little girl and the dog in front of the shop, Kanon was still looking back at them. Even as the carriage passed by completely and there was no more view of them, she could still see them. There she was, the little girl with long silky brown hair and her precious hat, and there was the dog, only it wasn't a dog... It was a puppy, and the girl wasn't herself either─she was someone else. Someone else Kanon did recognize.

It was the small girl from her hallucinations.

Kanon's body went into shock.

It had been a while since she last had seen of the little girl, of that same girl who had haunted her dreams and presented herself before her, as if taunting her. She always seemed to be in a hurry; either trying to find her father behind a tree, surrounding Kanon with laughter, or running away. She always seemed to be running... she was always running away─from something or someone? Kanon didn't know.

All Kanon did know was that she knew that girl from somewhere.

She knew that girl, who was hugging the puppy securely in her arms with warmth and care. She could see her face now, her small sweet face surrounded by long chocolate hair─much like Kanon's─and her wide brown eyes that seemed to sparkle with fondness for the small animal. Also much like Kanon's eyes lightened when she held Asriel.

In fact, if she thought carefully, even through the ace in her head and the rumbling of old forgotten images slowly begun to resurface, she could see that she had quite a few things in common with that girl from her illusions. They both were like dolls come to life, possessed by the unwanted hands of something dark─like William. The both of them had something to run away from, or someone that cast a shadow upon her dreams...like William. As well as Kanon, the girl had a tragic past that would still haunt her through nightmares if she were still alive today.

Was she still alive? Was she even real? Kanon didn't know that either. If she was alive and real in this world, then what would her nightmares look like? Like the terrible fire that burned down that house that served as home to her and her family? Or like the countless of chains bound to her hands and feet? The cowering in terror at the corner of a cold room or the hands of men muscling her like an animal?

Which of these images were even hers? Where were they coming from all so suddenly that they crowded inside Kanon's mind? The strong ache in her head and the abrupt storm of moving images were driving her crazy, leaving her in a pained state of stillness she only felt when she was overwhelmed, when her world didn't make sense.

What was hers and what was the girl's? Was the girl the one being locked away in a room with no windows?

No, that was impossible. Kanon was the one who had been locked away by William. She was the only one that William had taken for his own, she was the one whose hands and feet were bound by chains. The girl was that whose family was destroyed, whose happiness was taken away by faceless men that had taken her by force, muscled her cruelly. The girl was...

“I don't want to be here.”

...the girl was her.

Kanon's eyes opened completely, her brown irises widening in an awareness and clarity that left her in awe.

Kanon was the girl. She was the girl from her illusions.

Wrong.

She was the girl from her memories.