Baby, I'm A Dreamer For Sure

I stared blankly at the suitcase on my bed. I thought it was best to start early even though I wasn’t leaving until the day after tomorrow. School had ended though, Alex had graduated and I had to go back for another year, not too excited about that.

Mom had been a little apprehensive about me leaving for the summer but after some long talks I convinced her to let me go. Alex was having a party tomorrow night as a last night in town kind of thing, before the tour started.

I sighed heavily as I zipped up the suitcase and lifted it up from the bed and put it on the floor next to the door. I sat down on the bed and just stared at my hands, wondering if I made the right decision. Anyway it was too late now.

I heard someone knocking at my already open bedroom door and I didn’t need to look up to know who it was.

“Your mom let me in.” Alex stated after clearing his throat. He slowly walked up to my bed and sat down next to me.

I nodded and finally forced myself to lift my head and look at him. His face was vacant of the smile he normally wore. Instead there was a frown itched to his lips. A frown I’d been seeing a lot this past week, ever since I told him I’d taken my dad up on the offer to go to Chicago. I felt like even though he had insisted that I should go to my dad, deep down he really wanted me to go with him on tour.

It hurt to see that because I really wanted to go with him too. But I felt like if I didn’t take this opportunity to be with my dad I would probably never see him again. Once school started I wouldn’t be able to visit him and I doubted he would come back to Maryland just to see me. There would always be some kind of excuse, something that was more important. But he was important to me, to be honest, more important than Alex right now.

Ever since I told him he had become distant. I had hardly seen or spoken to him at all. The few times I did see him was when I had been hanging out with Soph at their house and then we had only made small talk. In a way I knew why he was here. I knew what he was about to do. And I respected him for it.

In a way I had prepared myself for it this past week. So when the words; “I want to break up.” Left his lips, they didn’t hurt as much as I always thought they would, coming from him. We had done some small talk, him asking me how I felt about seeing my dad again. Me asking him about tour, but it was only prolonging what we both knew he was here for.

“Yeah.” I nodded, looking down at my lap. I let my right hand find his and squeezed it hard, looking down at our laced fingers. I just needed to feel him, just one last time.

“I just think it’s for the best, I don’t think a long distance relationship would work. We are going to be living in a van, I have no idea what time schedule we’ll have. But I know there won’t be much privacy. We won’t see each other for three months, and neither of us needs that stress and worry on our heads. I wanna focus on the tour, and my music; this could be our break through…”

I stopped listening somewhere in the middle and just stared down at our hands. He didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t care enough to fight for me, for us. He was just giving up.

“Stop talking, please.” I looked up in his eyes and saw sympathy in them. Sadness but no regret. He squeezed my hand back and offered a small smile.

He made a move to stand up but I pulled him back forcefully and grabbed the back of his neck with my free hand. I pressed my lips harshly against his, and wouldn’t let go. He let out a whimper of disapproval at first but then started kissing me back.

I was acting needy, and selfish, I knew that, as I pushed him back on the bed and straddled his hips. But I needed this, just one last time. Closure, of sorts.

He made no more indication he didn’t want it, as we hastily undressed and were soon naked, back in the same position. I kept eye contact with him, as I slowly sank down on him, letting out a small gasp. He gripped my hips, helping me make a steady rhythm, while still never breaking eye contact.

Had this been six months ago, I would have walked away after he said, ‘I want to break up’. Had this been me six months ago, I hadn’t wanted to show him how hurt I was.

But I had grown a lot in six months, and I was no longer afraid to show my emotions. I wanted him to know how I felt. I wanted him to know, that this was not something I wanted. I wanted to show him I still wanted to be with him, that I still loved him. I wasn’t afraid to be rejected. Because I knew I had nothing to lose.

Alex sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me tight. Without words letting me know he still loved me. His lips met mine in a slow and gentle kiss. I slowed down the tempo and just rolled my hips slowly back and forth.

I didn’t care that technically we were not together anymore, we were broken up. I didn’t care that my mom, was somewhere in the house, or that there was a possibility that she might hear us.

All I cared about was Alex. I was just afraid I wasn’t all he cared about anymore.

“I love you.” I whispered.