Baby, I'm A Dreamer For Sure

I took a deep breath and opened the door. Alex was standing facing a mirror and singing loudly. He stopped when he heard me coming into the room. As soon as he saw me his face broke into a giant smile, which seemed to take some of my nervousness away. But I still didn’t know his intentions in asking me to come here.

“Hi.” He said and came over and hugged me tightly.

I was a bit surprised, not expecting that kind of affection from him but hugged back nonetheless. I felt my heart swell as I closed my eyes and took in his scent. I hadn’t known exactly how much I had missed him until this second.

The hug ended way too soon for my liking. But I smiled and said, “Hi,” back to him. “Don’t let me interrupt you, do what you need to do.” I stated and hopped up and sat down on the counter next to the sink that he was standing in front of us. We were currently in a bathroom with three stalls, two showers and one toilet, in one end and then the counter with the sinks in the other.

He just smiled and started singing again, trying to hit really high notes and then going down to the low notes. He did a few chanting and some random noises. I watch him silently the entire time. He had let his hair grow out longer and was now pretty much hanging in his face. He also hadn’t shaved in what looked like a few days, leaving him a bit of stubble that I just thought made him look even sexier.

He stopped after a few minutes and looked over at me. I blushed and looked down at my hands with a smile when he caught me staring at him.

“So, how have you been?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“I’ve been good, been working a lot.” I answered with a shrug.

“Right at the diner?”

“Yes, dad’s neighbour’s diner.” I smiled. “I’ve been getting pretty close with my dad as well. Whenever he wasn’t working we would cook together and have movie nights. It’s been great.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” Alex said with a genuine smile.

I nodded and looked away from his face. His smile did funny things to my insides, and I worried I would do something stupid if I didn’t controlled myself. Like faint or worse; kiss him.

“So how has the tour been?” I asked, trying to distract myself.

“It’s been great, amazing even.” I could just see in his eyes, the way the sparkled when he talked about it, that he loved this very much. I felt so proud of him. “I mean it’s hard, do everything yourself, living in a van with five other people, but the reward to go on stage every night and perform makes everything worth it.”

“You’re happy?” I asked in a whisper looking down at my hands. Not having enough courage to look at him.

He was quiet for a long while. “I am. I’m really happy.” He finally said.

“I’m glad, you deserve to be.” I said lifting my head to look at his thoughtful face, giving him a genuine smile. It did hurt a bit, because I wasn’t happy, not a hundred percent since the breakup.

I heard him walk over to me, but I didn’t look. I kept trying to blink the tears away from my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me this way.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered. I almost thought I imagined it, but when I looked up into his eyes I could see the sincerity in them. He came even closer placing his hands on my knees.

All I could think in that moment was how fat my thighs looked. I pulled my feet up, bracing them against the cabinet door under the counter I was sitting on, making me tense the muscles in my thighs and lifting them up a bit from the surface making them appear less fat and disgusting. I still needed to work on my insecurities. To be honest, Alex dumping me didn’t exactly make me feel better about myself.

“I don’t expect you to have missed me or even want to be around me right now.” He started, sounding a bit insecure himself. I realised that I had been quiet, a bit too long and he had taken the wrong assumption. “Honestly, I was surprised you even showed up in the first place. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for breaking up with you. And that I still love you.” He took a deep breath and let his hands run up my thighs to my hips and pulled me closer to the edge, closer to him. My heart was beating so fast I was sure he could hear it. I was speechless; I just wrapped my arms around his shoulders loosely as he stood between my legs. “I know it doesn’t change anything, I just wanted you to know.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked into his eyes. This was not what I had been expecting when I came here, hoping maybe but never thought it would happen. “I love you too.” I finally choked out. Maybe a bit forced. I don’t know. It was the truth. But like he said, I don’t know if it would change anything. But I didn’t want to seem heartless and say nothing or lie, not after he completely poured his heart out to me. That must take some guts.

“You do?” I saw his whole face lit up with excitement. I couldn’t help but to smile back.

“I’m sorry for not calling or keeping in touch.” I just nodded, not knowing what to say. I felt a bit awkward actually. I think he felt it too because he fell silent after some ramblings.

“Can I..?” He started but then looked away chuckling a bit.

“What?” I asked, curious of what he would say.

He looked back up at me and I felt it right there in his eyes. It made my stomach flip upside down, my palms turn sweaty and my mouth run dry. He had me captive with those eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” He finished his question.

I just looked into his eyes, giving him my answer. He slowly leaned in and slightly brushed his lips against mine. We just hold still like that for a moment before I put more pressure into the kiss. What started as a sweet, innocent kiss fast turned into something more aggressive. It was raw and full of emotions. Everything we felt during the past two months showed through in the kiss. The break up, being apart, seeing each other again. It left me with tears running down my cheeks.

Alex pulled me even closer, tightly holding my waist, our chest pressed together. My hands were lost in his hair and one down his back. His facial hair was scraping against my cheek, making my lips feel raw and dry. I definitely needed chap stick after this.

The heavy knocking on the door is what broke us out of our moment. “Time to get on stage!” Matt was calling from the other side. But thankfully he didn’t open the door.

Alex pulled back a bit and helped me off the counter. “Will you stay and watch the show?”

“Of course.” I said, nervously taking his hand, lacing his fingers with mine. He grinned and squeezed my hand, making me not so nervous anymore.

We walked into the dressing room and I blushed when everyone saw us holding hands. But no one said anything about it. Everyone was running around collecting things they needed and then we all walked down towards the stage.

“Good luck.” I gave his hand a light squeeze and then let go to stand on the side. They were amazing just like the other couple of times I’ve seen them play. They even played my song. Alex kept looking at me when he sang it. I just couldn’t stop smiling. But it ended way too fast. They left the stage for the next band and everyone went back to the dressing room.

Alex and I sat in one of the sofas while everyone took turn in showering. They were all pretty sweaty. We talked a lot, joked around and laughed. Nothing serious, like we probably should talk about. But it felt great, just being with him like this again. I think that’s what I had missed the most.

Eventually it was his turn in the shower and by that time everyone else had already packed up their stuff and left the room going back to the van or to meet some fans, I really had no idea.

I sat on the couch playing angry birds on my phone while Alex showered. I didn’t even want to think about where this was going, or what would happen after tonight.

Alex came back into the room, freshly showered and fully clothed. I smiled as he sat down next to me, putting away my phone.

“I’m really happy you came tonight.” He said, taking my hand in his.

“I’m happy I came too.” I admitted.

Then he kissed me again. And just like before, it was a needy and passionate kiss. He pulled me closer and slightly opened his mouth letting his tongue dart out. I did the same and out tongues met in the middle slowly rolling against each other as wee deepened the kiss. I could tell he wanted more, wanting us to go further but I slowly pulled away from the kiss. Not comfortable with doing that in a place like this.

He pecked my lips a few more times, and then pulled back. He had a thoughtful expression on his face, not looking at me.

“What is it?” I asked, wondering if I had done something wrong.

He suddenly sprung to his feet and grabbed his bag. He had a big grin on his face. “Stay here, I’ll be right back, okay?” He pecked my lips again and I didn’t have time to say much of anything before he was out the door leaving me confused in his wake.

I sat there waiting for him for ten minutes, fifteen minutes. My heart slowly sank in my stomach as I realised he wasn’t coming back. Just when I had given up hope, my phone started ringing. I looked down and saw Alex name on the caller ID.

With confusion I picked up the phone and answered. “Hello? Alex?”

“Jessie, I’m so sorry…” He started, my eyes watering at his tone, I knew he wasn’t coming back.

“The GPS in our van broke and… we had to leave with the others so we wouldn’t get lost. I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

I wanted to laugh. Seriously. The GPS? He couldn’t come up with a better excuse? I didn’t say anything though. I was afraid the hurt I felt would be too obvious in my voice, and I didn’t want to give him that.

“Jessica, are you there?” He asked nervously.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a breath letting out a sigh. “Whatever.” I said and closed my phone, hanging up on him. I didn’t want to hear anymore stupid excuses.

I sat there on the couch just taking everything in. I should just laugh at how stupid I was. I thought he was being honest. I believed him when he said he missed me and still loved me. But I guess I was right from the beginning. He did ask me here to make fun of me. See if I was over him or not and then shove it in my face.

Or was this some sort of closure thing for him. Hearing that I still loved him and then he could move on?

Or was it all just for sex? He would see if he could get laid tonight and once he figured I wouldn’t be putting out he gave up and ditched?

I didn’t know, but the more I thought about it the more the latter alternative seemed more plausible. I thought back to the advice he once gave me.

“I’m a guy; I know what’s going on in an eighteen year old boy’s head and let me tell you it ain’t no Pg-13 thoughts.”

I realized he wasn’t just warning me about Dick, he was warning me about himself as well. And I should have listened to him.