Who We'll Be

New Jersey was a lot colder than I had expected.

The sunshine didn't welcome us as we stepped out to the state, but a sea of snow, and just the touch of the chilly winter air on our cheeks made us feel like our whole body was in a giant fridge, despite the piles of jackets that we were wearing, and white smoke lingered from our mouth as we breathed in the unfamiliar place.

My mom and dad had agreed to come with me and take a week of vacation here, since it's Christmas vacation, and we had managed to rent a nice and affordable hotel that would let us survive the refrigerator-like condition.

It was my second day here, and the snow started pouring tenderly above my head, and my cream-and-pink striped bonnet and earmuffs, an insanely thick jacket, gloves, and beige boots had done so little to protect me from it's coldness. The black night sky showed no sign of stars, and the only source of light was from the tiny light bulb of the front porch, in which I was walking to at this very moment.

Sky's front porch, of his house in New Jersey.

I know where he lives of course, because he had told me several times, and the large structure of the house he had described to me way back when confirmed that this was it.

I stepped on his porch and rang his doorbell.

No answer.

I pressed it again.

Still nothing.

I got impatient, so I started pressing it over and over like a kid realizing how freaking awesome the sound of the doorbell was.

Finally, Sky opened the door.

"Dude, you should know how to fucking wait—"

He stopped in the middle of his sentence, and his eyes grew as wide as ping pong balls when he started to look at me.

I looked back, probably just as surprised as I examined him.

He still looked the same, with his dreamy blue eyes that seemed to generate sparks as I look into them, his long dark hair a bit messy, his lips trying to lure mine like a magnet, and his fine frame and posture didn't change at all.

But there's something...different about him.

Something changed...I just couldn't point out what.

Still...

...I missed him just the same.

My eyes started to turn glassy as tears slowly filled them.

"Symmery..."

He reached out his hand as if to touch me as he said my name, but he suddenly stopped, and put his hands down as his features suddenly turned serious. Cold.

"What are you doing here?" he asked harshly.

He's not...glad to see me?

I bit my lip.

"Why did you...stop calling me...?"

That was all I could think of at the moment, because I was mentally blocked at the sight of him.

"You didn't answer my question."

"You never answered my calls…"

He looked down, and guilt started to overflow his features.

I then remembered what I came here for. To confirm the things she said. To hear it right from his mouth.

"Are you...really getting married? To Lauren?"

He looked away.

"Yes."

I stood frozen as a tear hastily ran down my cheeks, and the coldness of his eyes never faded.

After a moment…I started weeping.

"Why...?" I sobbed.

The seriousness of his eyes was all I could see through my dark veil of tears.

And the next words he said hit my heart like a tidal wave.

"Because I love her."

I bit my lip harder than before.

"What...w-what about—"

“There’s…nothing between us anymore.”

He bowed down, as if he couldn’t breathe, and said the words that made my heart too weak to beat anymore.

"At first I thought it was you, Symmery. At first I thought I couldn't love anyone else other than you...but I realized...I was wrong. I love Lauren with all my heart, and she's...she's the girl I want to marry."

He looked away again.

"I just really thought it was you."

I cried harder as I put my hands on my lips.

What about everything...

Everything he said...?

His promises...?

My hopes...?

...our love?

His words didn't sink in…until he summarized what he truly meant.

"I don't..."

He finally looked at me sternly...

...and said the most heart-breaking words I've ever heard in my whole life.

"I don't love you anymore."

And with that, I couldn't control my hatred any longer.

Everything he said hurt…so bad...that my head and heart started aching terribly, making me feel like I was going to collapse at the very moment.

So that’s it…

…he's letting me go...

...just like that…

But before I could completely faint, I took my time to give his face my hardest, most hurtful slap I could.

But he looked like he didn’t even get hurt.

"I guess I deserve that," he said.

I looked at him severely.

"Know what? All this time, I thought it was you too..." I said, and I couldn't stop the tears that had been willing to come out since I saw him. "But I now realized how wrong I was. You're nothing but lies. Full of awful, pathetic lies."

"...you're right."

"I'm sick and tired of all the bullshit, Sky! I'll never fall for your lies again!"

I threw hard punches at his chest, and he didn't bother to even fight.

I wiped my tears and looked at him, and released the anger that had been locked up in my heart the whole time.

"I hate you."

And I started walking away from the house, away from him.

I didn't care where I was going.

I just walked as I wiped my tears, and let the snow drop and fade on my head like little clouds falling from the sky, and leaving their coldness with me...

...reminding me of him.

I didn't feel anything at the moment. Nothing but the numbness...

I kicked the pile of snow I was walking on.

Stupid, stupid Sky.

Stupid Lauren.

I hope they live well as married couples, have healthy children, and go live happily ever after somewhere far away from me...

...oh wait, that's too kind of me.

I hope they live a tragic married life, with rebellious children, and live their old age at a separate home for the aged with cruel nurses their kids will bring them to.

It was then that I realized I was walking past a bar, and decided a couple of shots wouldn't hurt.

I entered, and saw people were all happy here, dancing and drinking, living their lives...

...making me think that I should too.

I quietly sat inside and ask the bartender for just one beer, and finished it with one gulp, and I realized that it wasn't that bad.

I was going to ask for another one, when the boy about my age with short blond hair and gray eyes like mine, who was sitting beside me, moved closer.

"Hey..." he said, taking a sip of his martini.

"Hey," I said, failing to sound interested.

"You heart-broken or something?"

I don't know why, but his statement made me look at him...and smile.

"You psychic or something?"

He smiled back.

"I guess not...I wasn't able to predict about the pretty girl who would come sit with me," he said, obviously flirting.

I just continued to drink, when he started to introduce his name—maybe he thought I don't talk to strangers—and we started talking, realizing how much we have in common, and I started laughing at his old pickup lines.

"Oops, I forgot to introduce myself...how disrespectful of me," he had said, looking totally drunk. "Hi, I'm Ian. I'm nineteen. I live in New Jersey. And I kind of lost my number. Can I have yours?"