Time Runs Through Our Veins.

Part of me wants to think that Nolan's liking me is a joke. Haha, Rylan guess what? You're dreaming!

Another part wants to be pissed. Smeer the queer. Why the fuck did he turn ME gay?

Another part knows that I've been gay all along and I'm glad that Nolan is the guy who brought it out. Brought ME out. 

The last, biggest part of me wants to hide in my room and draw rabid wolves on the walls for the rest of forever. 

As soon as I get home I grab my Mac book and settle into the goose feather arm chair in the living room. I also flip on the plasma screen T.V. And turn the volume way down so I can focus on the final preparations for the benefit tonight. 

However, those plans are shot as soon as I log onto facebook. Jordan and I have done longer shows with less prep. We'll be fine.

I shift through the twenty-something pokes, 18 messages and thirty five notifications. Three IM messages pop up within ten minutes and I respectfully wiggle out of each of them. What I really look for is Nolans profile.

Out of the 3,296 friends I have we only share three. 

And I'm not even friends win him. As soon as I realize this I immediately send him a request. 

A few seconds later I get a notification. He accepted it. He accepted me.

I open a new chat window and say: 'hey'

'hello' He types back.

'what're you up to?'

'babysitting'

'yeah? You have a brother...?'

'sister.'

'see, that was my next guess. So, what have you been doing?'

'babysitting? I swear I just said that :P oh! I got cut earlier. Sliced my wrist.'

'haha so funny and how'd you do that?'

'I dont know. I don't know why I even told you that.'

'you can tell me anything.'

'anything?'

'anything'

'well, see there's this boy...'

'he sounds sexy.'

'oh, he is.'

My stomach flips and my heart beats faster. 'tell me more'

'I've been crushing on him for a while but he hardly ever notices me'

'I'm sorry about that. He sounds like a jerk'

'no! He's awesome. It's mostly my fault'

'I'm positive it's him. I'll kick his ass if he ever makes you feel like that again'

'thanks Rylan'

'anything for you' I bite my lip to hold back a smile. It doesn't work.

He goes offline and I go through his pictures. He's only got five but it doesn't matter. I could live off this one.

It's of him curled up asleep with a sock monkey. I don't know who took it but they really are a genus with a camera. It kinda breaks my heart to see how peaceful and care free he is when he's sleeping because it shows me how much he actually worries when he's awake. 

"What are you watching?" Jordan saunters into the room.

I glance up at the screen. "Oprah, obviously."

"Why?"

"Cause..." One more glance. "...She's interviewing Betty White. I love Betty White."

"Bull shit. C'mon. We gotta go get dressed and set up."

I bookmark the picture of Nolan and help Jordan load the jeep. I honestly don't see how I'm expected to focus on this performance. Nolan is stuck at home and I have to pretend floor I care about- Hold on. Whats this benefit for anyway? 
***

English class is the place where I feel most anxious. I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me. Those seem to be the only two options.

Half theese kids are to stupid to be in an AP class and the other half are so cocky about it, I want to pitch a 65 mph ball to their face. 

Midway through the lecture Mr. Moore spits out a string of SAT words I event learned yet. 

"Hey! Mr. Moore, can you spell that?" I ask.

"There's a dictionary over there Mr. James."

Are you fucking serious? "Bitch, if I can't spell it how the hell am I gonna find it in the dictionary?"

Gasps. Stares. Did I say that out loud? Shit.

"Get out." Moore gives me a death stare until the door closes behind me.

So, I'm out. Where the fuck do I go now?

Home. I'm Going home.

The hallways are mostly empty. I hate when the hallways are empty. It makes me feel alone. Isolated.

I don't like that feeling. Suddenly I'm on the ground. I tripped. On what? I thought the hallways were empty. I look around and see a pair of outstretched legs. Nolan.

"Rylan! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm so sorry I didn't see you."

He looks away. "Not many people do."

Now I feel terrible. "Nolan, what are you doing out here?"

"What are YOU doing out here?" He counters.

Fair enough. "Got kicked out of English." His eyes widen. "Yeah, so you?"

"I was going to the nurse. I felt dizzy so I sat here and  then you came."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well, C'mon. I'll help you." I pull him up with me and hold him around his waist. Nolan leans into me and we walk.

No words. This is...nice. Somewlhow this feels right. I still don't think I'm gay but there's just...something about him... He makes me feel calm and happy and- oh shit.

Nolan just collapsed. Not on the ground or anything cause I still have him around his waist but he's definitely limp.

I scoop him up bridal style and walk fast to the nurse.

Wait. What the hell can she do? The hospital. That's where he needs to go.

"Rylan?"

"Hey, I'm taking you to the ER, okay?"

"No!" He freaks out and struggles, trying to get away from me. 

"What?" I won't let him go so he stops.

"Just...no. I'll be fine."

"No you won't. At least let me take you home."

"Ry, that's worse. I said I'll be fine."

"My house then. I'm not letting you stay here."

He thinks for a second before nodding slowly. I carry him out to my car and we take the short trip home.

Nolan is asleep when we get there. I winger what's wrong with him.

I lift him out oft he car and bring him to my room. Once he's settled on the bed I pull out some homework. Maybe I can get some done. 

Haha. Yeah, right.

I look over at Nolan. What would happen if I just...?

I go to the bed and crawl in next to him resting my back against the headboard. There's nothing wrong with sitting next to him right?

Nolan shifts, rolls over and rests his head on my hip and wraps himself around my leg.

I hesitate for a second before running my finger through his hair.

I flip on the TV and suddenly it's like this is a everyday thing.

Maybe Nolan is what I need.

Maybe I should pull him closer instead of push him away.

Am I really falling for a boy?

Am I really falling for Nolan?

It's only a matter of time...