Scream Me a Dream

Soya winced when the door slammed shut behind Ville’s back, only to lean against the couch as she stared at it. Had he really just kicked her out of the place she considered home? They’d been yelling yes, she winced when she replayed what she’d said and realized that it had been somewhat of a low blow, and she would most definitely apologize for what she’d said, then he’d told her to leave. That he was going for a walk and when he came back he didn’t want her there.

“Oh! You’re such an idiot!” Soya yelled, her voice echoing around the empty tower as she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the door. “How many times have you yelled at me for walking away from a fight and yet here you are doing! You absolute idiot!” she ranted.

If he thought she was leaving her home, he was crazy, because that was what the tower was to her now, it was her home and she had every right to stay inside of it.

“You’ll have to forcibly remove me.” She muttered as she walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. She leaned against the counter and twisted the cap off, wincing when her ring dug into her finger.

She set the water down twisting the ring off, setting it on the counter near the phone, rubbing her ring finger lightly. “Probably should get it fitted.” She muttered picking her water backup and going into the living room sitting on the couch and staring at the coffee table, only to smile lightly when Austen scratched at her dog house door, whining to get out.

“Hiding out while we were fighting, weren’t you?” Soya teased lightly as she got off the couch and sat next to the dog house. She slid the door open and picked the pup up settling Austen on her lap. “Sorry about the yelling.” Soya murmured rubbing Austen’s head. “Might be a bit more when he comes back, but it’ll work out.” Soya said lying back on the ground as Austen padded her way up Soya’s chest, licking Soya’s nose. “It always does, you know?”

Running a hand over her face with a sigh, she pet the dog. “You know, I have been saving a piece of lingerie in my drawers for a special occasion…”

Soya chewed on her lip as she thought about it, she really wasn’t above using sex to get out of an argument, she figured when he came back he could yell at her for having stayed, she could open her coat and ta-da.

“He’s such a bad influence Austen.” Soya said getting off the floor and tucked the dog in her arm as she made her way upstairs. “Eight months ago I would never even think to do this, now it’s the only way I can think to get him calm enough to listen to reason.” Soya shook her head as she put Austen on the bed. “Don’t you dare tell him you were on the bed.” She said pointing at the dog, only to smile when Austen yipped and sat in the center of the bed. “Good girl.”

She wasn’t going to use the sex to push away a conversation they needed to have, she was going to use it to calm him down so that they could talk rationally afterwards. She only hoped it worked. She opened her dresser drawer digging through it as she looked for the piece she’d bought on a whim, only to frown when she heard her phone ring.

Taking her hand out of the drawer, she pulled her phone out of her pocket, looking at the caller ID and answering when she saw Josef’s name.

“Right now isn’t a good time Josef.”

“Right now is a fucking perfect time, where the hell are you?”

Soya blinked as she stopped looking at the contents of her underwear drawer and focused on the phone call. “You know where I am, I’m in Hels.”

“That’s not where you’re supposed to be. I told you to keep an eye out for our dance schedule.”

“And I have.” Soya said cutting Josef off. “I check my e-mail every day, Josef, other than Brooke’s updates on the studio, pictures HP has been sending me of the ranch and spam mail; I haven’t gotten anything from Rebecca.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive Josef.” Soya sighed. “What’s this about?”

“We had a mandatory meeting yesterday and you weren’t there.”

“What?” Soya asked moving to sit on the bed as she listened to Josef.

“We had a meeting yesterday and you weren’t there, I figured you guys had left late, probably got snowed in or something so I didn’t bother calling. When you didn’t show up at home today I figured I’d call. You’re sure you haven’t gotten anything?”

“No.” Soya said feeling her panic rise. “She usually sends it right after Christmas.”

“She did, she sent it the morning of the 26th. Soya you need to get down here, we’re starting rehearsals tomorrow.”

Soya blinked. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, and Rebecca is having everyone try out again, if you don’t get your ass back here you may not get lead, and we’re doing Swan Lake, Soya you’ve waited your entire dancing career to get this part, you can’t just…not get it now.”

“No, no, I’m…I just need to pack, I’ll make calls and I’ll get on the first flight out. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“All right, in the mean time I’ll try and figure out why you never got that e-mail.”

“Please.” Soya said as they hung up. She went to the closet and dialed Ville’s number as she grabbed one of her small suitcases from the top shelf. She frowned when her call went to his voicemail, but hung up instead of leaving him a message. She set her phone and suitcase on the bed, nearly tripping over a pair of her jeans on her way.

“Mess of a room.” She muttered, kicking the clothes out of the way, making a path from the closet to the bed, as she grabbed the clothes she would need for New York. She packed jeans and long sleeved shirts, her converse and left everything else. She still had clothes back at the townhouse so it wasn’t like she needed to be excessive in packing. She grabbed one of her winter coats and put that in her suitcase along with a few articles of underwear.

Once finished packing, she went underneath the bed, grabbing her laptop and it’s charger along with her laptop bag. She stuffed everything in her bag, setting on top of her zipped suitcase, before leaving to room to go to Ville’s studio, grabbing the plastic dog carrier out of the closet where she’d put it.

Setting it on the bed, she placed Austin inside, reminding herself to grab a blanket to stuff inside. “As much as I would love to leave you with Ville, as he’s pointed out countless times, you’re my dog, so you’ll travel with me.”

She gathered everything off the bed and made her way downstairs. She set everything by the door, grabbing her clutch the Ville had dropped on the floor she grabbed her wallet and keys, stuffing them in her laptop bag that she’d shouldered before biting her lip as she thought about the things she needed.

“Passport.” She muttered to herself running back upstairs and going into the bedroom. She opened the drawer on Ville’s nightstand and scrounged around until she found the passports, opening them and taking hers, she dropped Ville’s back in the drawer. She looked around the room once more making sure she had everything before rushing down the stairs and made a mental list of things she needed to do.

She loaded her car and made sure she locked the tower door before getting in and going over the list she’d made. She’d go drop off the car, go to the airport and ask for the first ticket to New York. Grabbing her phone, she called the cab company asking for a cab to pick her up at the car rental place before making her way down the street.

Blowing out a breath, she tried and kept her mind clear as she drove. She kept her fight with Ville in the back of her mind, something she would bring to the front when she was on the plane and had time to think. So instead she focused on getting to New York, and what she would do when she got there. She’d go to the rehearsals of course, apologize profusely to Ben and ask Rebecca why she never got sent a damn schedule.

She would double check her e-mail when she got on the plane, she reminded herself as she pulled into the lot that held the rest of the cars for rent, before parking in front of the building. She got out of the car and thankfully found the cab waiting. Rushing over to it, she talked to the driver and let him know she was nearly all done before going into the building.

She smiled at the gentleman who was behind the counter, told him she was turning in her keys and followed him out so he could inspect the car. While he inspected the car she transferred her things to the cab, checking the glove compartment for anything she may have missed.

“All right, it looks like your all set.” The gentleman said with a smile. “Ah, but you forgot this in the backseat.”

Soya frowned as she took the envelope, only to nod when she remembered it was the envelope her mother had handed her and she’d thrown it in the backseat after lunch. “Thanks.” She whispered, smiling at him before making her way to the cab.

She got in and told the driver to take her to the airport. She looked at the envelope that sat on her lap with a frown she lifted it up and opened the flap, looking inside only to frown further when she saw papers inside of it. Closing the flap she stuffed the envelope in her laptop bag and looked inside the dog carrier at Austen, making sure the pup was okay.

The cab ride was quick; she paid her fare and thanked the driver when he helped her with her luggage. Shouldering her laptop bag, she wheeled her suitcase with one hand and carried Austen’s dog carrier in the other as she walked up to the front desk, smiling at the woman behind the counter.

“How can I help you today?”

“I need a ticket to New York, first flight you have going out, I need to be on it.”

The woman nodded as she clicked on her computer and smiled at her. “I have some seats left on a flight leaving in half an hour, but they’re only first class.”

Soya gave a small laugh. “I really can’t complain about that, I’ll take that one.”

“Luggage?”

“One small suitcase, a dog and one carry on.” Soya answered, lifting her suitcase onto the scale. The woman nodded, tagging Soya’s suitcase as well as the dog carrier before putting them behind the counter. Soya inwardly winced when she heard Austen’s whining.

“I can assure you, your dog will be fine.” The woman said with a smile. “Is it your first time traveling with her?”

“Yes, my fiancé got her for me for Christmas, I’m nervous about her traveling on her own.”

“She’ll be fine.” The woman chuckled. “I just need your passport.”

Soya nodded, digging through her messenger bag and pulling out her passport. Five minutes later she was walking away from the desk, through security and making her way to the gate. She looked around at the other passengers and knew she only had a good ten minutes before they started boarding her flight.

Sitting on one of the plastic chairs, she dug through her bag until she found where she’d thrown her cell phone and dialed Ville’s number only to sigh when it went straight to voicemail, since she hadn’t left a note for him she decided to leave a message, so after the phone beeped, she spoke.

“Damn, I must have just missed you.” She sighed. “Listen, I got a call from Josef, I have to go back to New York early, it’s a long story which I’ll tell you once you call me back.” She ran a hand through her hair as she thought about the situation she was leaving. “I know you’re still mad, and you have every right to be, but I would really like it if you came to New York. I know it’s earlier than anticipated but I would really like you over there.” She looked up when she heard her flight get called and started gathering her things, “Anyway, I have to go, my flight is being called, I’ll call you when I land. Ville…I love you, just…know that all right? Bye.”

Hanging up, she turned off her phone and dropped it back in her bag before getting in line to get onto the plane. Once she was seated, she buckled up and leaned back in her seat giving a large slow sigh. She hated flying alone, usually when she traveled it was with the dance company or Josef, though as of late it’d been Ville. She didn’t like not having someone to distract her, even though Josef would pass out an hour after the flight took off, Ville had proven to be a good traveling buddy.

Digging through her messenger bag, she gave a low growl of frustration, she’d left the book she was in the middle of on her nightstand, and her blasted iPod was docked in the kitchen since she listened to her music while she cleaned or cooked. She didn’t even have her earphones to plug into her laptop since she left those in one of her bags the last time she’d gone to the dance studio to exercise.

“Wonderful I’m on a blasted 12 hour flight with no form of entertainment.” She muttered to herself as she leaned back in her seat as the plane took off and the flight attendants did their spiel about safety.

Once the safety belt light went off, Soya took hers off and set her bag on her lap as she took out her laptop and turned it on, setting it on the food tray, she’d popped out.

Once loaded, she went straight to her e-mail, thanking whatever deity was up there that the plane had wi-fi. She checked all of her deleted and saved mail from the past few days, not bothering to check her newer ones. Nothing from the dance company, she thought as she scanned, not even a forward. Everything she’d deleted had been spam that had made its way to her inbox, and everything she’d saved had been from HP as he’d sent her pictures of some free spaces on the ranch and some updates from Brooke on the dance studio in New York.

Why wasn’t she sent the dance schedule? She wondered as she went to her new e-mails. HP had sent her a few more pictures which she saved; Brooke had sent her another update as she did nearly every night before she locked up but even then, nothing from the company, Rebecca, or Ben.

It wasn’t odd for Rebecca not to e-mail her, but it was for Ben, he would have at least sent a ‘where are you?’ message or even call her. She’d received nothing. Closing her laptop, feeling her frustration rise, she stuffed the computer back into her bag and leaned back in her seat.

There was nothing she could do about the dance company until she got to New York, so she pushed the worry and frustration out of her mind and brought the other subject she’d pushed back, forward.

The fight she and Ville had had was most defiantly the worst they’d ever had, and it was most definitely not one that would blow over in the morning. Things had been said that had to be apologized for; things had been done that she would most definitely apologize for.

Sighing she admitted that the fight had been her fault. Ville had told her to leave him alone for a few hours so he could think and instead she’d pushed. She hated that he was keeping his anger to himself and she had absolutely hated that she didn’t know where his anger was coming from, if it had been caused by the lunch with her mother or if it had really been directed at her for supposedly not defending him.

Which brought her own anger to surface, why in the world would he think that she would just allow her mother to say such things about him and his career? It hurt that he still thought of her as the weak woman he’d reunited with back in May, it hurt that he thought she would allow her mother to walk all over her like that. Though she was hurt and angry, she shouldn’t have thrown her purse at him and she most definitely shouldn’t have pushed at him.

She shouldn’t have even pushed the fight, she should have just left him alone to stew and when he was ready he would have talked. But it was odd for him to be the one holding onto the anger, odd for him the one to be walking away from an argument when he was usually the one reprimanding her for doing it.

Yes, she thought as she closed her eyes, letting the anger and frustration drain from her body and letting fatigue from the long day take over. She had some apologizing to do the next time she talked to him.

Thursday December 30, 2010

She yawned as she made her way to the luggage carousel, waiting for her phone to finish turning on as she stared at the luggage making its way around. She’d picked up Austen at the separate carousal, the pup had been happy to see her and very anxious to get out of her carrier.

She looked down at her phone, and noticed one missed message from Josef letting her know he was waiting out front for her. She scrolled down her messages until she found the last one she’d sent to Ville and sent him a quick text letting him know she’d arrived in New York.

A small sense of disappointment filled her when she didn’t see Ville’s name on her missed calls list, but saw Rosalind’s. Not feeling up to speaking to her exuberant friend she ignored the missed call and stuffed the phone back in her bag. Looking up she found her suitcase making its way around and grabbed it before making her way out front searching for Josef’s car.

She found the black Ferrari indeed parked in front of the entrance with Josef leaning against it. He grinned at her before walking up to her, causing her to drop her suitcase and set Austen down carefully before hugging her best friend.

“Missed you Soya.” Josef murmured causing Soya to tighten her grip on him.

“Missed you too.” She said closing her eyes.

“You look good.” Josef grinned pulling away and holding her at arm’s length.

“Thanks, looking good yourself, help me with my luggage?”

“Fine.” Josef sighed, grabbing her suitcase as she opened the door and put Austen’s cage carefully in the backseat. She slid into her own seat, setting her laptop bag at her feet as Josef closed the trunk and slid into the driver’s seat.

“How was the flight?”

“Boring.” Soya sighed. “I forgot my book and iPod and my earphones, so I slept most of the time.”

“Where’s your boy?”

Soya shrugged. “Back home, he...uh…he couldn’t quite make it out right now, but I think he’s still coming down the 2nd like we had planned.”

Josef nodded as he pulled into traffic. “Rehearsals got cancelled today, I went to go let Rebecca know that you were coming in and that I wanted to push auditions back until you arrived, but there was a note on the door saying that rehearsals were canceled until the 3rd.”

“Why?” Soya asked with a frown.

“I guess she and Ben went out of town for New Years.”

Soya sighed as she leaned back against the seat. “Thank god, I’m so tired.”

“I bet, had I known earlier that rehearsals would be canceled I wouldn’t have bothered calling and having you hurry down here, you could have just come down when you and Ville had planned.”

Soya shrugged. “I’m here now.”

“Sorry you won’t get to spend New Years with your boy; I know you were looking forward to it.”

“It’s fine Josef, Ville and I will work something out, I’m really not that worried.”

Josef nodded and patted Soya’s leg. “Well, I, for one, am happy to have you back in town. I’m very excited to get you into some wedding dress.”

Soya laughed, “Let me sleep off this jet lag and then we’ll talk about the wedding.”

“Deal, now what’s with the dog?”

Soya smiled. “Ville got her for me, don’t worry you won’t have to lift a finger when it comes to Austen. She’s mine to care for.”

“As long as we both know this.” Josef said casting a weary glance at the dog carrier. “So how is your boy?”

Josef frowned when Soya didn’t respond, turning he smiled when he saw her sleeping with her head against the window. Letting her sleep for the duration of the ride home, he woke her when they arrived and he had parked in front of the house.

Soya yawned and stretched out as she got out of the car, grabbing her bag from the floor of the car and Austen’s carrier, letting Josef grab her suitcase.

Unlocking the house, she dropped her bag on the couch and took the dog carrier outside, setting it on the ground and opening the little door, laughing quietly when Austen scrambled out and ran for the large open space that was her backyard, sniffing at everything.

Rubbing her eyes, trying to rid herself of her sleepiness, she sat on one of the steps of the porch and took out her pocketed phone. She pressed her speed dial on her phone, only to sigh once again when she got Ville’s voicemail.

“Hey, I’m home with Josef, I sent you a message when I landed to let you know I got here all right…” Soya frowned before rolling her eyes at herself “Which now that I think about you’ve probably gotten. Just to update you, I never got my dance rehearsal schedule and apparently it was sent out the day after Christmas, we had a mandatory meeting the 28th and when I never showed Josef called to ask where I was.” She ran a hand through her hair as she watched Austen carefully.

“I’m going on Monday to figure out what’s going on since Rebecca and Ben are both out of town for New Years. I guess I could have just told you all this when you called me back…” She sighed and smiled weakly when Austen came running back to her, sitting between her legs and staring out at the backyard. She gave a quite sigh as she thought about him.

“I hate being here without you, I hope you choose to come and meet me. I’ve only been here a few hours and I already miss you. I get it if you’re still angry; I just wish we could talk about it instead of me talking to your damn phone. I just…I love you Ville. Call me back.” She started to hang up the phone only for Austen to make her presence known again causing her to smile and remember that Ville didn’t know she’d taken the dog. “Oh! And I have Austen with me!”

Hanging up the phone, she stuffed it back in her pocket before picking her dog up and going back inside where Josef had turned on the heater.

“I’m going to go to sleep Josef.” Soya said as she leaned against the couch where Josef was sitting.

“Are you sure? It’s only seven thirty.”

“Positive, I’m tired and I figure I’ll sleep the rest of the night.”

“Well Russell is coming over for dinner; do you want me to wake you to eat? He’s coming over with take out.”

Soya shook her head. “No, I’m just going to head to bed. I’m sure tomorrow you’ll drag me to some fancy New Years Eve party I want no part of and won’t let me go home until the wee hours of the morning, so I’m going to go rest.”

“All right miláček, be boring and get some sleep.”

“Thanks.” Soya laughed as she headed towards the stairs.

“You look nice by the way! What were you and Ville doing before you hauled ass to the airport?”

Soya looked down at herself and realized she was still in her dress and tights and sighed. “Nothing exciting, just lunch with my mother.”

Josef turned on the couch and raised an eyebrow. “And you survived unscathed?”

Soya scoffed. “Just barely.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

Soya shrugged. “It is what it is. I’m off to bed.”

Josef nodded and she smiled at him before walking up the rest of the steps to her bedroom. Closing the door behind her, she set the dog on her bed and stripped out of her clothing, leaving it on the floor as she dug underneath her pillows.

She smiled in success when she found Ville’s black t-shirt she’d stolen from him back in May and slipped it on before crawling under the covers, gesturing for Austen to follow.

“I’m teaching you bad habits, but I’ll un-teach them to you when Ville comes.” She said, kissing the tip of her dog’s nose before closing her eyes and falling to sleep.

Friday December 31, 2010

“I would just like to point out, that I really do not want to go to this party.” Soya said as she walked down the stairs, causing Josef and Russell to turn to her.

“You look wonderful Soya!” Josef grinned, causing Soya to roll her eyes.

“I should, you hand-picked the damn thing.” Soya said with a roll of her eyes as she looked down at herself, she was wearing a strapless chocolate colored ruffled dress that fell just above her knees, Josef had also picked her shoes, light brown suede closed toe Louboutin platform booties along with her black tights to keep the bit skin she showed, covered.

“Well, Josef did well, you really do look wonderful.” Russell said with a grin.

“Well thank you Russell, it’s very nice to see you, I’m sorry I missed you last night.” Soya said with a smile herself as she leaned up and kissed his cheek, accepting the dark burgundy coat Josef held out for her and slipping it on, buttoning it up and tying the sash around her waist.

“Are we all set to go?”

“We are.” Russell nodded, “We were just waiting on you.”

“Of course you were.” Soya said with a roll of her eyes wrapping her scarf around her neck and following Russell and Josef out of the house and into the cab that was waiting out front for them.

“So Soya, Josef told me that you’re engaged to the very handsome Mr. Valo.” Russell said once they were all settled into the cab and heading towards The Muse hotel where their company was having their New Year’s Eve party.

Soya smiled. “I am.”

“Can I see the ring?” Russell teased.

“That’s right! I haven’t seen the ring!” Josef said, turning in the tight space of the cab to look at Soya. “Let’s see it!”

Soya winced, she’d gone to grab it from the nightstand where she could have sworn she’d put it the night before and hadn’t found it. She’d nearly torn the room apart looking for her ring, scaring her poor dog, only to remember half way through emptying her underwear drawer that she’d taken it off and left it on the kitchen counter…in Helsinki. At that point she’d sunk to the ground and nearly cried in frustration.

“I forgot it back in Hels.” Soya said quietly. “It fits a bit tight and I haven’t let Ville get it fitted so I take it off when I’m at home. In my rush to get here I forget to grab it again.”

“Did you talk to your boy? It’s already the new year in Finland.” Josef said.

“I missed him.” She said, looking out the window with a sigh. “We were planning on getting together with some friends at Torni to watch the fireworks; I don’t blame him for not answering his phone.”

She had called him earlier, but had gotten his voicemail once again; she hadn’t left a message, instead deciding to hang up and turn off her phone, figuring that if he were ignoring her calls he most likely wouldn’t call her. Even then, she’d still stuck her phone in the small pocket of her dress wondering how long she could last without checking it.

“Looks like you miss him.” Russell commented, with a smile.

“Mmm, very much.” Soya nodded, sending a weak smile over to Russell before turning out the window. She’d woken up refreshed but had stayed in bed for nearly an hour thinking about how the only reason she’d slept through the night was because of her jet lag and the fact that she was surrounded by Ville’s scent.

She’d only been away from him for 48 hours and already she missed his psychical presence and knew that a lot of the reason for the ache in her heart was because they’d left things on such bad terms and she had yet to hear from him.

She knew that Ville was just as stubborn as she was and knew that he would stay mad until he found it fit not to be, which she could understand, but it didn’t make her miss him any less. She missed the sound of his voice and found herself calling his phone just to hear his voicemail message. She sighed, she was so pathetic, 48 hours without him and she was resorting to calling him just to hear his voice.

“You okay?” Josef asked.

Soya nodded, only to blink when she realized he was outside the cab. “Sorry.” She muttered as she opened her door, smiling at Russell who held out his hand for hers, helping her out. She thanked him as Josef paid the fare, wrapping her arms around her middle.

“You were lost in your own little world there, are you sure you’re all right?” Russell asked. “I feel with the amount Josef talks about you; you’ve become a little sister to me.”

Soya laughed. “Well I’m honored.” She said smiling up at him. “And I’m fine; I just have a lot on my mind.”

“The company?” Russell asked, concern lacing his voice.

“Among other things.” Soya said, patting his arm. “I’m fine, sorry I’m so spacey, I’ll be fine. I am fine.”

Russell nodded before grabbing Josef’s hand and letting him lead the way into the hotel and towards the lounge/bar that they had rented out for their dance company’s party.

The minute they entered the lounge, Josef motioned her to take off her jacket as it was more than warm in the lounge and gestured for her to go talk to the friends she’d neglected when she’d left in August. Doing as she was told, she greeted her old friends quickly getting sucked into the conversations and catching up with them.

Though she admitted it felt good to see her friends again, an hour into talking with them, she excused herself to get some time alone to herself. She wasn’t going to deny missing them, a girl needed friends of her own and a lot of the friends she had in Helsinki were mutual friends of hers and Ville’s or friends like Elli and Inka that she’d had since she was young. She didn’t have many friends that lived near Finland, like Josef and Rosalind who she had call to keep in contact with. So being with friends she’d made throughout the years of her career was very much needed.

She just…needed space, she thought as she slid onto the stool and smiled lightly at the bartender, ordering a glass of wine. She didn’t drink often, but tonight she felt like she needed it with everything that was on her mind. Her future in the company, her now strained relationship with Ville, she gave a quiet groan. All right, her strained relationship with Ville was what was stressing her out the most.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t little Soya Toivonen, back from the Arctic Circle to grace us with her presence.”

Soya frowned at the male voice, turned in her stool and smiling at the dark haired man that was standing behind her. “Aster! How are you?” Soya laughed getting up and hugging her old friend in greeting; he slid into the stool next to her and grinned at her.

Aster Bennett had been her first dance pattern when she’d been in the chorus line in the very first company she’d been recruited to when she’d graduated Julliard at eighteen. She’d only danced with him for a year, mostly in Europe, before he’d gotten recruited to be a lead dancer or a demi-soloist, for a dance company mostly based in London. They’d kept in touch for a few months before his career had taken off, then two years later she’d been recruited by Ben and she’d been reunited with Josef.

“I’m good. I haven’t seen you since…” Aster trailed off as he thought about it.

“Our Europe tour.” Soya said. “I had to be at least nineteen when we last danced together, you’ve grown.”

“As have you, I was just talking to Josef, he tells me you’ve done very well for yourself.”

Soya shrugged, only to turn and thank the bartender when he set her wine in front of her. “I’ve done ok, I’ve heard you’re a big hit in Europe, I wanted to see you in Sleeping Beauty when I heard you were performing in New York a few months ago.”

“Why didn’t you? I would have loved to have seen you.”

Soya smiled. “It was about the time I left for Finland on my vacation. The times just didn’t work out.”

“Josef was telling me you’ve been gone for nearly six months.”

Soya nodded, taking a sip of her wine, while Aster ordered his own drink. “I went with Josef to visit his family for a few weeks then met up with some old friends in Pori, before heading to Helsinki a few days later. I’ve been there ever since.”

“I bet you missed your homeland.” Aster teased, bumping his shoulder with hers as he thanked the waiter with a nod for his scotch.

“Ah, I did, I still do.” Soya admitted. “I just got back a couple of days ago, and I’m already homesick, but enough about me! How are you!? I heard you had a little daughter a couple of years ago.”

“I do, I do.” Aster nodded with a smile, lifting his hips as he took out his wallet, opening it up to show Soya a picture of his young daughter. “Her name is Mary, she’s nearly two now, unfortunately things didn’t work out with her mother, but since we all live in London, I see her regularly.”

“Oh! She’s precious Aster, she looks like you.”

“I would hope not!” Aster laughed, tucking her wallet away. “She really looks like her mother.”

“Well she has a lot of you in her as well. So London’s treating you well?”

“It is, I’m very happy with the way everything’s turned out.”

“What are you doing in New York? I didn’t think your company traveled out of Europe very often.”

“Ah, once in a blue moon and for short amounts of time, I’m actually here to visit a friend of mine who happens to be in your company, Corey.”

Soya nodded. “I know him.”

Aster nodded. “He told me about the party and invited me along, so here I am. I’m only here for a couple more days.”

“Ah, pity.” Soya said with a smile. “New York misses you.”

Aster laughed. “I’m sure, so how have you been? I couldn’t help but notice the fairly large eyes staring at me when I came up to you.”

Soya frowned at him, only to roll her eyes at herself as she remembered her new tattoo. “Ah, the eyes.”

“Very beautifully done, doesn’t look quite finished though.”

“It’s not.” Soya said, “The shading needs to get done still, so it does look a bit daunting doesn’t it?”

“Just a bit.” Aster teased with a grin. “Eyes of a loved one?”

Soya shook her head. “Virginia Clemm.”

Aster blinked before sending her a smirk. “Again, loved one?”

Soya laughed. “She was the wife of Edgar Allen Poe; my fiancé has Poe’s eyes on his shoulders, so I got Virginia’s eyes as a birthday present to him.”

“Fiancé? I didn’t know you were engaged.”

“Lack of ring does that.” Soya said with a weak smile.

“The man didn’t give you a ring?” Aster asked with a raised eyebrow.

“He did.” Soya laughed. “A beautiful one at that, I just forgot it on the kitchen counter in my rush to get to New York.”

“So you got a tattoo for your fiancé.” Aster said with a slow nod as Soya took a sip of her wine.

“I did, but he got one for me as well, so it evened out.” Soya said with a grin. “Ah, I think I have a picture of him on my phone.” Soya said, pulling her phone out of her pocket and turning it on.

“I didn’t you were the dating type Soya,” Aster admitted. “I remember you so shy, afraid of your own shadow.”

Soya blushed but laughed, she had been timid when she’d been younger, especially when she’d been pulled away from her friends and a home she’d always known and thrown into a large city, only to be taken away from that and sent to travel with people she barely knew. Yes, to say she was afraid of her own shadow was very much correct.

“I like to think I’ve grown into myself.” Soya said with a grin as she looked down at her phone, she saw the missed calls, two from Toni, one from Vedrana, and one from Jyrki, but once again none from Ville. Keeping in her sigh, she looked through her pictures finding one of Ville she’d taken when he’d been asleep on the couch. She moved the phone closer to Aster, so he could look.

“I’m sure Josef finds him very attractive.” Aster chuckled.

“What are you talking about, ‘Josef’?” Soya laughed. “I find him very attractive.”

“Just attractive?” Aster asked with a raised eyebrow, causing Soya to laugh.

“Any think else I say would be considered very inappropriate.” Soya said letting Aster stroll through her pictures that she had of Christmas on her phone.

“Christmas looked fun.”

“Probably one of the most relaxing ones I’ve had, we spent nearly the entire day with his parents and my little sister. It was very fun.”

“How long have you two been together?”

“Um…” Soya blinked as she did that math. “We’ve been together since August, so five months in a week.”

“That is…”

“We’ve known each other for longer.” Soya laughed. “Since before I moved to New York, we just reunited back in May and we started dating in August.”

“So you’re recently engaged?”

“October.” Soya laughed. “I know, our courtship was fast, but it works for us.”

“So what’s the name of your mysterious fiancé?”

“His name is Ville.”

“Finnish, very appropriate.” Aster nodded. “Is he a dancer as well?”

Soya grinned. “No, he’s not, he’s a musician.”

“A musician?” Aster said with a wide grin. “Anything I may know?”

“He’s the lead singer of HIM.” Soya said, only to be received with a raised eyebrow. Soya laughed as she took her offered phone back and stuffed it in her pocket. “It just means your taste of music needs a drastic upheaval.”

“I’m sure.” Aster laughed. “So why isn’t your fiancé here celebrating the new year with you?”

“Uh…” Soya frowned and played with her phone. “He had to stay…” Soya shook her head so tired of making her relationship sound so perfect when it wasn’t. “Truthfully I don’t know, we had a bit of an argument before I left and he hasn’t called me back. It’s amazing how much of a mess I am just because I haven’t heard from him.”

“Oh, I doubt that Soya.” Aster said, motioning for the bartender to refill their drinks.

Soya covered her glass with a smile, motioning that she didn’t want any more. “I call his phone just to hear his voicemail, at this point I wouldn’t even care if he called just to yell at me.” Soya shook her head as she sagged in her chair, looking at Aster. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine Soya.”

“I don’t mean to just dump this on you, I just…I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone about it, and it’s been hard pretending that every things fine when it comes to living with Josef.”

“You needed to get it out.” Aster said patting her hand, only for his hand to stay on top of hers.

Soya gave a small smile, sliding her hand out and setting it in her lap. “I did, thank you.”

Aster nodded. “There’s not much you can do about the situation Soya, I mean if you’ve apologized and he’s not calling you back then that’s his problem and issue at this point and he’s the one that needs to take the step to right it. Complete idiot that he hasn’t called you back, if you ask me.” Aster said taking a drink of his refilled scotch.

Soya frowned as she looked down at her phone, replaying all of the messages she’d left Ville. None of them had contained an apology for her part of the fight, she’d assumed that the minute Ville called her back she’d apologize profusely hoping to soothe the anger that might still be residing in him, so she’d never said ‘sorry’ on the voicemails.

“Sorry, if I crossed a line.” Aster said, causing Soya to look up at him wide eyed.

“No, no, you really didn’t.” She said quickly. “I just…” she shook her head. “You make a very valid point.”

Aster nodded. “I should probably go mingle, please tell me you won’t be too busy to have lunch with me before I go, I really do miss keeping in touch with you Soya.”

“I miss it too.” Soya said, looking at him with a raised eyebrow when he moved a bit closer to her. “Aster, I may be reading this wrong, but please tell me you know that if I agree to have lunch with you, it’s an outing between friends and not a date.”

At that, Aster moved back and nodded sharply. “Of course, you’re nearly a married woman.”

Soya nodded as she picked up her phone and slid off her stool. “I very much am, and though I’m having issues with Ville at the moment, I love him very much.”

“Of course you do.”

Soya bit her lip rummaging through her clutch and dropping a bill on the bar for her drink, before smiling at him. “It was very nice seeing you again Aster.”

“You as well, Soya.”

Soya gave one last smile before walking away. “Well that was awkward.” She muttered under her breath as she went to the coat room and grabbed her jacket before starting out of the lounge, dialing Ville’s number as she left. As she knew she would, she got his voicemail and was sent to leave a message just as she was leaving the lounge. She gave a quiet sigh, before speaking.

“I’m assuming you’re screening your phone calls and I’m the one you’re avoiding, which I guess given the circumstances I can understand.” She swallowed as she got to the lobby of the hotel and sat in one of the chairs, running a hand though her hair as she continued to talk. “I um…Josef dragged me out to this New Year’s Eve party with some of the other dancers and I thought now would be a good time to talk to you…or your voicemail I guess. I…um…I had a lot of time to think on the plane, about us, about the fight, abut that idiotic conversation we had with my mother and I just…god Ville I’m so sorry.”

She pressed her fingers to her eyes as she felt the tears start and her throat clog with a sob; she rested her elbows on her knees as she breathed in deeply trying to rein control of her emotions. Breathing out slowly she felt more in control and continued with her apology.

“I’m not taking all the blame, I can’t…no, I won’t.” she said forcibly. “We both know that we had an equal share in our argument, so I’ll apologize wholeheartedly for my half. I’m sorry I dragged you to that lunch with my mother, I’m sorry I didn’t drop the subject when we got home, I’m sorry that I pushed you into fighting. I’m sorry that I was looking for a fight myself. I’m sorry, Ville that I said what I said to you, about you believing what my mother said deep down. I’m just…so sorry.”

She bit her lip and rubbed her eyes tiredly, not caring that she was most likely smearing the makeup she’d put on, she needed to get everything out, lay everything out for Ville because she was tired of holding it in, tired of pretending that he was coming to meet her, tired of pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t, so she talked.

“I’m not going to say it’s because my mother got into my head, because it wasn’t. I hated that you wouldn’t talk to me. That all of sudden our roles were reversed and you were the one keeping your anger and emotions held in. I hated not knowing where your anger was stemming from, and I hate that you left the tower not knowing what I told my mother.”

She felt her frustration rise when she thought of how he’d acted, how he’d accused her of not saying anything on his behalf, but instead of letting her anger rise to surface, she spoke the truth, wanting him to know that not only had she spoken on his behalf but she’d said it all from the heart.

“You said I didn’t defend you, I did. I told my mother that money wasn’t even on the list of reasons we love each other let alone any of the reasons we’re getting married. I told her that I don’t care about what career you have, I would love you no matter what job you had, even if you were still working at your fathers shop. I love you because of the person you are inside and not because of what you choose to do for a living. I-”

She frowned at the beep, only to stare at her phone in disbelief. “Goddammit!” She cursed. “Pouring out my heart and the damn voicemail cuts me off!” she ranted as she redialed Ville, getting sent to his voicemail still cursing.

“Damn voicemail cut me off.” She muttered, only to return to what she’d been saying when the damn thing cut her off. “Anyway, I was saying that I don’t want you to think that I let my mother get away with what she said but I also don’t want you thinking that I believed any of it. I could care less if we were filthy rich or struggling to make ends meet, I could care less how much you make or the amount I have in my accounts. Ville, I love you because of who you’ve helped me become, because for the first time in my life I’ve found where I belong.”

She gave a sigh as she ran a hand through her hair feeling herself get choked up again as she spoke. “Being here in New York…I realized I didn’t miss it, I missed Josef, but I didn’t miss this city at all. I find myself missing you, missing our friends, missing waking up to you in the mornings and falling asleep with you at night and I miss our tower, because it’s still our tower Ville, I could care less if you asked me to leave. I had no intention of leaving that day, I was going to wait you out.”

She gave a small bitter laugh, thinking about what she’d been doing while she’d been waiting him out. “I was picking out lingerie when I got the phone call, hoping to seduce the anger out of you. God it was so stupid. I miss you Ville, and I’m sorry if you’re still angry. Just know that I love you and I miss you and I hope to hear your voice soon.” Biting her bottom lip, she pulled the phone away from her ear, staring at it for a minute before hanging up.

Rubbing her face tiredly she stayed in the chair starting at her shoes, only to look up startled when a hand was laid on her shoulder.

“Hey miláček, you all right…Soya why are you crying?”

“Oh god, am I crying?” Soya groaned, wiping her cheeks, to find that there were in fact tears making their way down her cheeks.

“Missing Ville huh? Soya, go home, I can tell you aren’t having much fun.”

“But-”

“Go.” Josef chuckled, wiping her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs and leaning down to kiss her forehead. “I have a feeling somewhere in Helsinki Ville is being a miserable bastard just like you’re being a serious kill joy.” He teased. “Go on home Soya, if you get a cab now, you’ll miss the traffic jam getting home.”

Soya nodded slipping on her coat. “I’m sorry I’m not any fun Josef.”

“Don’t worry about it; I just wanted to get you out of the house for a while, now go.”

She smiled, kissed his cheek before leaving the hotel pulling her coat tighter around her body as she hailed a cab. She slid in, telling the driver her address and leaning for forehead against the window, smiling lightly at the crowds that were gathering to watch the fireworks that would go off at Time’s Square.

Josef had been wrong on her missing traffic; she’d gotten stuck in one of the worst traffic jams she’d ever been in in the thirteen years she’d lived in New York.

“Serves me right for leaving an hour before midnight.” She muttered to herself, looking at the clock and leaning back in her seat when she saw the time on the cab’s clock, one minute to midnight. She closed her eyes as she felt the sense of utter loneliness consume her, only to feel her heart literally ache and her stomach clench when she heard the fireworks start popping overhead.

Opening her eyes slowly, she looked up at the sky watching the multicolored lights fill up the air and felt herself sigh before she could stop herself. “Happy New Year’s Ville.”

Monday January 3, 2011

She was nervous, more nervous then she’d ever felt when going back to dancing after a break. Usually excitement rushed through her body, filling it, nearly running it at the thought of learning new chorography, dancing in front of a new audience nearly every night, getting back into a routine of waking up at four in the morning and not going to bed until two. She usually missed the sleepless nights and the aching toes, because it gave her that sense of accomplishment, it reminded her that everything she’d worked so damn hard for was for something.

Now, she felt the bundle of nerves tightening and loosening in the pit of her stomach, she’d actually groaned when her alarm clock had gone off at four and she cursed her drawers when she couldn’t find her lucky leggings.

She’d settled on a pair of blue yoga pants, along with settling for a white Nirvana racer back tank top, slipping it over her blue sports bra. She stuffed her gym bag with her ballet shoes, pointe shoes, and another ballet outfit along with a change of clothes before rushing down the stairs where Josef was waiting for her.

“Water and two apples.”

“Thank you.” Soya said stuffing them in her bag. “We all set?”

“Yes, we are, ready to get back to work?” Josef teased grabbing his keys as Soya grabbed her own along with her black and white striped hoodie, following Josef out the door, letting him lock up the house as she waited for him.

“I think I am.” Soya said with a small smile. “See you there.”

“You know it.” Josef grinned chucking her under her chin as they went to their separate cars. She pulled on her hoodie, before sliding into her car, turning it on for the first time in months, only to nearly hit her forehead against the steering wheel in frustration when Ville’s voice floated through her speakers.

He still hadn’t called her back, even with her apology and it killed her. She’d stopped calling, mostly because hearing his voice at that point was just so fucking painful. It hurt even more knowing that he wasn’t planning on picking up his phone that’d she’d just stopped.

Leaning back in her seat, she glared at the roof of her car. “Do you think this is funny?” she asked whatever deity was up in the sky laughing at her. “Do you like that I’m in this much pain? Because I don’t think it’s funny!” she turned back to the wheel, turning off the radio with a very forceful push of her finger and pulled off the curb.

She made it to the studio only five minutes behind Josef, feeling her ire soothe a bit with being so close to a dance studio, knowing that soon she would be filling her hours with the stresses of her job and not her relationship. Getting out of the car, she nearly slammed the door shut, causing Josef to raise an eyebrow.

“You okay?”

“I was having radio issues.” Soya muttered darkly.

“And here I thought that by leaving Screamworks in your CD player it would make you happy, not irritated.”

Soya blinked. “You left it in there?”

“Soya, I only turned your car on for a half hour, twice a day so your battery and engine wouldn’t die in the five months you’ve been gone. Your CD’s made their own way around, it’s not my fault you fill the thing with HIM.”

Soya shook her head. “Sorry, I’m just a bit on edge.” She said as they walked into the lobby of the studio, smiling at the receptionist that sat behind her desk, bypassing her with a wave as they walked to their rehearsal space.

“You have been since you’ve been back.”

“I know.” Soya sighed.

“And I haven’t heard you talk to Ville lately,”

“I don’t need to talk to him every minute of every day.”

“I know.” Josef said slowly. “But when he was on tour back in June you guys talked at least twice a day, either when one of you woke up or when one of you went to bed and when I would call you, you were nearly always with him.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it right now Josef.”

Josef was about to respond, only for both he and Soya to stop when Rebecca blocked their way. “Morning Rebecca.” Josef said a tight smile on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Rebecca asked with a raised eyebrow directed at Soya. “I thought not sending you the rehearsal schedule would be your hint.”

Soya blinked, looking at Josef who looked as confused as she did, only to turn back to Rebecca. “I’m sorry?”

“You’re off the company Soya.” Rebecca said. “There was a reason I didn’t send you our rehearsal schedule, obviously because you weren’t invited back.”

“My contract says-”

“Your contract says that you are on the company for two more years unless you sustain a severe injury that could compromise this company, which you did.”

Soya stared at Rebecca, that knot she had in her stomach since waking up tightening even more, she didn’t even notice the crowd beginning to form in the middle of the hall as she stared at Rebecca. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, if I sustained an injury I would be obligated to report it.”

“You would be.” Rebecca nodded with a smirk. “Luckily, someone did it for you.” She held out a large yellow envelope for Soya to take. Soya snatched it out of Rebecca’s hand and looked inside of it, only to see x-rays.

“Where…” Soya looked up at her wide eyes. “Wha-”

“Nothing to say?” Rebecca asked with a smirk. “You put this entire company in jeopardy by not telling me or my father that you had a twisted ankle, I’m sorry, not just one, but two, all within a five month period.”

Soya shook her head. “I don’t want to talk to you.” She closed the envelope back up, glaring at Rebecca. “You are not my boss, you do not get a say in this.” With that said she stalked down the hall where she knew Ben’s office lay.

Anger boiled deep as she headed towards the offices, only to pass the secretary who was staring at her open mouthed and slamming into Ben’s office, causing him to snap his head up to look at her.

“Soya what in the world-”

“Eight years with this fucking company and this is how you tell me that I’m not welcome anymore? I don’t even get a phone call! I have to rush down here when Josef tells me that rehearsals started on the 28th only to find out now that I’m not in the company anymore! This is such a lack of disrespect Ben I can’t…I just…”

“Soya, what in the world are you talking about?” Ben asked, pushing her down into a chair across his desk, before crossing over to shut his door from prying ears. He walked back over to her and moved the other chair across his desk closer to her, only to shove her head in between her knee so she could breathe properly.

“For one, you know me a lot fucking better then to think that I would ever ever disrespect any of my dancers this way, especially one of my prima ballerinas, so I am deeply offended by you storming in here accusing me of this.”

“Sorry.” She whispered her breathing evening and sitting back up in her chair.

“Two, yes, Soya, you are off the company, but this shouldn’t be anything new to you, we found out about your ankle back in November.”

Soya blinked and frowned at him. “What?”

“We received those x-rays at the beginning of November, they arrived on Becca’s desk, she showed me and told me she would take care of telling you, as it was her job as director to do so. Frankly I was surprised when you didn’t call me to confirm what she was saying.”

“I never got that call.” Soya whispered.

“Well obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t have been yelling at me.” Ben sighed, leaning back in his chair. “And thirdly, had those x-rays arrived on my desk, I would have pulled you aside, taken you to a doctor and we would have gotten your ankle checked out quietly, had it been good enough to dance on, I would have kept you on, but-”

“They arrived on Rebecca’s”

“My hands are tied on this Soya, if I let you dance with everyone knowing about your ankle, it opens a lot of different cans of worms that I would prefer to keep closed.”

Soya nodded slowly, knowing of a lot of dancers Ben had let go was because of bones and joints starting to give out, which was why she had kept her own twisted ankle quiet.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” She whispered.

“I understand it, I was expecting this at least two months ago, but glad I got to witness it in person, I didn’t think you could get angry.”

Soya gave a watery laugh, rubbing her eyes. “God, I can’t…”

“I know.” Ben said quietly rubbing her back as she leaned forward on her knees, trying to process the news. “I’m so sorry this is how you found out Soya, I sincerely thought Rebecca had called you to let you know, and the way Josef goes on about how happy you were back in Finland with your fiancé, I assumed that this would probably be somewhat of a relief for you.”

“When your life is planned a certain way, Ben, it doesn’t matter what you want but what needs to get done. My entire life has been for this company and now I don’t…” Soya gave a strangled groan covering her face. “I’m not really sure where I’m supposed to go from here, there’s no plan for this. My life was set for the next two years and now…”

Ben nodded understanding where she was coming from, but not agreeing with it. “Soya, life is what you make it, maybe it’s time you start making your own plans and stop following the plans your parents set for you.”

Soya groaned as she stood, picking up her gym bag, “I’m still…I can’t process this right now, I’m…” She shook her head, running her hands through her hair and tugging hard. “I just…” She was at a loss for words, she couldn’t articulate just how lost she felt at the moment. Everything she’d worked so hard for, the part she’d danced her ass off for was slipping through her fingers and she couldn’t even talk to the one person she wanted to talk to because he was ignoring her.

“I…”

“Soya, go home.” Ben said, his voice holding an ounce of pity that made Soya wince. “We’ll have lunch and we’ll talk about this, if you really want to be a part of this, we can hire you on as a consultant.”

“A con-…Ben, I’ve waited my entire life to dance in Swan Lake, this would have been the dance that would have led to my retirement, I worked my ass off, I’ve…” Soya shook her head. “Everything I’ve worked for, gone, just because of a fucking twisted ankle!”

“Soya, you had two of them within five months, I talked to both doctors that treated you, and both said that you shouldn’t have been stressing that ankle as much as you had! What would you have done if you had broken it on stage? You would have been screwed either way. You know I love you like a daughter Soya, but even I’m disappointed in how you handled this situation. I am sincerely sorry that this is how you found out about this Soya, and trust me when I say I’ll be talking to Rebecca about this, but maybe this is for the best.”

Soya stared at him in disbelief as she picked up the gym bag she’d dropped on the floor, along with the envelope. “I need to go.”

“Soya.” Ben started, only for Soya to cut him off.

“Out of curiosity, who sent you these x-rays?”

Ben blinked. “I think the return address is still on there.”

Soya looked down and scoffed when she saw the name she’d been dreading. “Of course.” She sighed.

“Soya, please, let’s get lunch once you calm down.” Ben said.

Soya bit her lip but nodded sharply as she opened the door. “I’ll give you a call Ben.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

Soya closed the door behind her before leaving the office space, nearly running into Josef in the hallway. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She muttered pushing past him, wanting to leave the building as soon as possible to yell at the person responsible, because there was a person responsible and she had every right to yell at them.

“Soya.”

“I don’t want to talk about it Josef, I have to get to West Chester and yell at an asshole named Bam.”

Josef blinked at Soya’s use of language before following her out to her car, where she was throwing her gym bag into the back seat of her car. “Soya.”

“I’ll see you at home Josef, please, just…please.”

Josef nodded backing away from Soya as she got into her car and started it, nearly peeling out of the parking space the car was turned on. He had a feeling that Bam wasn’t the only person her anger was directed at and with that thought he went back into the building, ready to go into Ben’s office and have a talk with his boss, as well as hatching a plan to get Soya to talk to him.

XxxxxxX

Soya made it to Westchester in no time at all driving through the town to reach its outskirts where Castle Bam lay. Josef had texted the gate code mid-way through the drive, having remembered it from when he’d dropped her off when she’d gone to stay with Ville and Bam.

Punching in the code, she waited for the gate to open, driving through once she had enough space, parking next to Bam’s Lambo once she got up to the house. She slammed her door closed as she stalked up to the door and remembering Bam’s open door policy (If they had the code to the gate there was no reason to knock) she stormed into the house slamming the door behind her.

“Whoa,” she heard a male voice say, turning she looked at the bearded male who was staring at her wide eyed. “I remember you.”

“Where’s Bam?” Soya asked.

“Why? What’d he do to you?” The man asked. “You know, as an older brother I sort of have to take care of the kid when he fucks up.”

“I want to know where he is.”

Jess raised his hands deciding not to mess with the pissed off woman and pointed towards the back. “He’s by the pool with some friends.”

“Thank you.” Soya said, crossing her arms over her chest as she stalked through the house, thankfully remembering its layout, feeling Bam’s older brother follow her as she went through the back door to head to the pool.

“Bam! Incoming!” Jess warned, causing Soya to roll her eyes. She wasn’t going to hurt him…much.

Bam turned from the friend he was talking to only to frown at Soya, he was about to open his mouth to speak, but Soya didn’t give him the chance as she shoved at him, hard, causing him to stumble and fall back into the pool with a large splash. It caused his friends to laugh, but Soya’s anger just rose when he surfaced sputtering.

“What the fuck!”

“I thought we were friends!” Soya yelled, glaring at him when he made the attempt to get out of the pool. “Get out and I’ll push you back in!” she warned.

“What the fuck did I do?!” Bam yelled.

“You got me fired from my job!”

“The fuck I did!”

“Did Ed send you the x-rays of my ankle?” She asked crouching down to the edge of the pool, glaring at him, letting him know that she would not be happy if he pulled her in. “Well?”

“Yes.” Bam admitted.

“And did you send those x-rays to my boss?”

“The fuck I did!”

“Then how the fuck did she get them!”

Bam blinked at not only her yelling, but her cursing. “Look, I don’t give a fuck what you think I did, you can’t go pushing people into fucking pools and come into their house yelling at them.”

“I can when I trusted said person not to send those x-rays! I got kicked off my dance company because of you! I thought we were friends, I thought you’d gotten past all this petty bullshit! If you don’t want me to marry Ville, just say it Bam! There was no reason to ruin my career!”

“I’m telling you I didn’t send the fucking x-rays, if you’d let me get out of the fucking pool, I could show you where they’re still lying on my desk upstairs!”

Soya glared at him but stood up from her crouch, crossing her arms and gesturing to the house. “Lead the way.”

Bam blinked at her as he pulled himself out of the pool, ignoring his friends as he grabbed Soya’s arm and led her into the house. He ripped off his hoodie and shirt, dropping them to the floor, glaring at Soya as they walked up the stairs to his makeshift office where he did Radio Bam and also edited.

“You know.” Bam said as he started going through his desk, Soya leaning against the doorway watching him with a glare. “I did get over the petty bullshit, as you put it, back in December, I thought I could fucking warm up to you, you made Ville happy so you know I was happy, but then you went and fucking broke up with him…”

Soya straightened, staring at Bam wide eyed, “What are you-”

“God damnmmit! I know I put them here!”

“Bam what do you mean I-”

“No, you don’t get to talk anymore,” Bam said pointing at her. “We’re taking a trip, there’s only one other person who rifles through my shit and that’s Phil. So let’s go.”

“You can change first.” She said quietly.

“What? Lost your steam?” Bam asked heading to the end of the hall to change, Soya stayed leaning against the door frame, replaying Bam’s words, her anger dissolving fairly quickly and shock filling her. She looked up when Bam slammed his door shut and motioned her to follow him down the stairs. She did as she was told, following him down the stairs, watching as he grabbed his keys and walking to his Lambo.

“I…” Soya put her hand up, motioning him to wait as she walked over to her car, pulling out the envelope she’d gotten from Rebecca and going back to Bam’s car sliding in.

“What are those?” Bam asked starting the car.

“The x-rays.” Soya said quietly, handing them to Bam when he stared at her. He took them and looked inside, confirming that they were the x-rays only to look back at Soya.

“I didn’t send them, but I think I know who did.” Bam said the anger leaving him to as he saw Soya dejected features. He pulled out of his parking space and went down the drive, starting towards his parent’s house.

Soya stared out the window, only to look back at Bam. “You’ve talked to Ville?”

Bam stared out at the road, turning to look at her quickly, before looking back out the window. “Yeah, on the first, just to wish you guy’s a happy New Years, make plans for when he came down…what was supposed to be yesterday.”

Soya nodded slowly. “And he told you we broke up.”

Bam frowned but nodded. “Yeah.”

Soya nodded chewing on her lip, staring down at her lap as she kept the tears that threatened to flow, in. She felt Bam eye her, and knew she didn’t want to break in front of him, so she bit her lip hard and ran a hand through her hair as she stared out her window. “He sounded okay?”

“Sounded miserable as fuck, so no, I wouldn’t say he sounded okay.”

Soya nodded slowly, as Bam pulled into his parent’s driveway. She got out slowly, following Bam as they walked into the house, Bam automatically calling for his dad, while they walked into the kitchen.

“What’s all this yelling about?” April asked only to smile when she saw Soya. “Oh, Soya! It’s good to see you again! When did you get in?”

“Westchester, about a half hour ago, New York, a few days ago.” Soya answered, hugging the older woman.

“And Ville, is he with you?”

“He’s in Finland, where’s Phil?” Bam answered.

“I’m right here. What’s going on?” Phil asked, smiling lightly at Soya, only to turn back to his son.

“Did you send this?” Bam asked.

Phil blinked as he looked at the envelope and the addresses that were written. “That’s my writing yeah.”

Bam sighed. “Why?”

Phil frowned. “Bam, I sent this month’s ago, why are you asking about it now?”

“You sent it back in November.” Soya whispered.

“End of October actually,” Phil said, scratching the back of his head as he tried to remember. “You were in Finland, remember, I called and asked you where those signed pictures were, and you told me to send everything that was on your desk. This was on your desk.”

“With a note that said ‘do not send’.”

Phil shook his head. “There was no note on in Bam, just the address to send it to.”

Soya blinked as she turned to Bam, “Why was the address on there?”

Bam sighed. “When Ed sent them to me, he reminded me not to send them, but he gave me the address in case I decided to, you know, for your benefit, what with a fucked up ankle and all.”

Soya shook her head and excused herself from the kitchen, leaving the house and making her way to the car, only to lean against it and heave a sigh, scrubbing her hands over her face before running them through her hair and tugging hard.

“Hey, don’t be mad at Phil.”

She opened her eyes to see Bam staring at her. “I’m not, it was an honest mistake, I’m not mad at you either, Ed had every reason to try and convince you to send those x-rays, from a medical stand point I understand it.”

“Look, I…” Bam crossed his arms over his chest thinking about what he wanted to say, only to come up short. Soya saved him from speaking by giving him a weak smile.

“Can you just take me back to my car? I’d like to go home.”

Bam nodded, unlocking his car Soya turned to get in only to turn back to him. “Phil knows I’m not mad at him right?”

Bam nodded slowly. “Yeah he knows.”

“All right.” She whispered before getting into the car. They kept silent on their way back to Bam’s house, she could feel Bam eyeing her from time to time, but she kept her face hidden as she looked out the window, her chin on her palm. It wasn’t until they were a block away from his gate that Bam spoke.

“So what happened?”

Soya looked over at him slowly. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happened with Ville? You guys were so….happy when I saw you guys a couple of weeks ago, what changed?”

Soya shook her head, turning to look back out the window. “I don’t know.” She muttered as he punched in his code and drove up his driveway, parking behind her car. Soya got out, taking the x-rays with her, before going to her car.

“I’m uh…sorry I pushed you into the pool and yelled at you.” Soya said with a frown, causing Bam to turn and look at her. “I was angry and I assumed you had sent them, since you were the only one with access to them, so…sorry.”

Bam shrugged before sighing and crossing over to her. “Look, I’m sorry those got sent out in the first place, if I’d known Phil had sent them I would have let you know.”

Soya shook her head. “It’s done Bam, I should go.”

Bam nodded, backing away from the car to let her open the door, Soya pulled it open before turning to Bam, “I didn’t break up with him Bam.”

Bam frowned. “What?”

“I didn’t break up with him, I don’t know where he got that idea, but…it’s good to know what the status of my relationship is. Comforting, really.” Soya muttered, before ducking into her car, slamming the door shut and turning the key before driving off the driveway and making her way out of Westchester.

Finally, at being alone, she thought of everything she’d gone through in the last week, she’d left a place she considered home because she needed to get back to work, she’d left her fiancé in the middle of a fight, hoping they could resolve their argument over the phone, hoping he’d keep to their plan and follow her to New York. She’d lost the job she’d left Finland for, all because of a simple honest mistake that she couldn’t even be angry over, and apparently she had broken up with her fiancé.

Feeling her emotions bubble, she pulled over to the side of the road, turning the car off with a violent flick of her wrist as she let her emotions burst. She hit her steering wheel with her fists, felt tears pour down her cheeks and heard curses leaving her lips.

Her life, the life she’d worked so hard to maintain, the life she’d made to make her parents happy had crumbled, the life she’d made for herself, for her happiness had crumbled. She felt utterly alone, and though she knew she could talk to Josef about it, and he would listen to her, he wouldn’t understand where her anguish was coming from.

She’d worked so hard to make a name for herself as a dancer, worked and abused her body to get where she was and all because of an honest mistake, she’d lost it all, she’d lost the part that every prima ballerina dreamed to dance. She’d lost the stability she’d craved and stupidly she felt like a failure for letting her parents down.

She thought about her relationship and felt her stomach drop and her heart literally break as she thought about Ville. He’d somehow come to the conclusion she’d broken up with him, and she couldn’t think of anything she’d said in her messages that would cause him to think that. She tried to remind herself that she’d done everything right, she’d let him know she’d left, she’d called him when she’d landed, she’d apologized for her stupid mistakes.

She wanted to call him, she wanted to tell him everything, she was at a loss over what to do. What did her life mean if she wasn’t a dancer? What did her life mean now that she wasn’t with Ville? She’d lost the two things she cared for the most in the world and she couldn’t even think of where she needed to start rebuilding to get herself back together.

She’d never felt so alone, she thought as she felt herself calm a bit, even with her friends that she knew would support her, she didn’t have the friend she wanted. Because that’s what Ville had been before they’d begun their relationship, they’d been friends, the best of friends.

She felt like she was sixteen again, starting over without her friends, without the little family she had as much as she didn’t like them, thrown into a situation and left to flounder on her own. She hated that feeling, she’d worked to damn hard to not feel that way again, yet there she was, 29 years old, sitting in her car on the side of the freeway, with dry tear tracks marring her cheeks and her palms bit with the nails that were digging into her skin.

Rubbing her cheeks, she took a few slow breaths. There wasn’t anything she could do until she got herself together emotionally, she thought a bit bitterly. She felt like she had the right to mourn, the loss of her career, and apparently the loss of her relationship. So, she would, but first she would make it home.

Feeling just a bit calmer then she had when she left Bam’s, she turned her car back on and slid back into traffic making her way back to New York.

She found herself parking in her regular space in front of the house, getting out of her car and grudgingly grabbing her gym bag out of the back, along with the envelope. She locked her car and started looking for the house key when the door swung open to reveal Josef.

“I think today is a day to drink.”

“I could definitely use one…or a few.” She muttered as she dropped her bag by the door, “But I want the comfort of my bed at the moment.”

“Then I’ll join you.” Josef grinned. “I’ll grab the glasses, you go get comfortable.”

“What are you even doing home?” Soya asked, “You’re supposed to be at rehearsals.”

“I talked to Ben, I’m not needed anymore.”

Soya backtracked from the stairs and followed Josef into the kitchen. “What do you mean you’re not needed anymore?”

“I mean, that as part of my contract, I don’t dance without you and since you are no longer part of the company neither am I.”

“Please don’t tell me you quit.” She muttered.

“Oh I quit all right.” Josef said, grabbing to glasses from the cupboard and two wine bottles, only to put the glasses back. “We’ll drink from the bottle tonight.”

“Josef, you shouldn’t have quit because of me.” Soya said, having a feeling Josef had started drinking a bit early.

Josef snorted as he pushed her out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, climbing up with her. “Please, I didn’t quit because of you, I quit because I don’t have the patience to train another partner, I figure we’ll find another company to dance with together.”

Soya shook her head. “Josef, you should have stayed with Ben, you love New York, you love the company.”

“Let’s drink, and then we’ll talk about it.”

“You’re calling Ben tomorrow and you’re telling him you made a mistake you want back in.”

“I figure with both his lead dancers out, he’ll come crawling back soon enough.”

“To you maybe,” Soya muttered as they went into her room, Austen jumping off the bed to greet her. “I’m damaged goods.”

“Damaged or not, you’re still better than all the new recruits.”

“Thanks.” Soya muttered. “I’m going to take her out really quick.”

“Already did when I got in, change and then we’ll start.” Josef said waving one of the bottles at her.

Soya rolled her eyes, not bothering to change her pants and she kicked off her Nike’s and striped off her tank top, causing Josef to wolf whistle at her. She rolled her eyes as she grabbed Ville’s shirt off the bed and slipped it on. After a bit of arm work, she took off her sports bra, before sitting on the bed next to Josef, her back to the wall and facing Josef as he leaned against the headboard. She leaned down to pick up Austen, who immediately curled up next to her.

Josef popped the cork on one of the bottles and handed it to her, before popping the other.

“Rebecca’s a bitch.” Josef said, taking a drink from his bottle.

“Yes, she is.” Soya agreed with a snort before bringing the bottle to her lips.

“After you left…”

“I don’t want to know.” Soya said with a shake of her head, taking another drag of her wine. “I really just don’t. Had she called me back in November and told me that she received my x-rays, and that because of my contract she would have to ask me to leave the company, I would have accepted it wholeheartedly and with little to no argument.” Soya said truthfully. “But making me come all the way out here just the humiliate me or make an example of me is no way to run a dance company and I hope Ben realizes that.”

Josef smirked. “After I talked to him, I left.” Josef told her. “And I guess he was so pissed that he’d lost both his dancers that he yelled at Rebecca in front of the company during rehearsals.”

Soya shook her head. “I really don’t want you to quit Josef, your life is here now, your career is made with that company, Ben gives you so much creative freedom it’s ridiculous, you’re not going to find that with another company.”

“You would give me that same freedom.”

Soya snorted as she brought the bottle back to her lips, bringing her knee to her chest and tucking her other leg underneath her body. “Only because you’d make me.” She said once she swallowed.

“Come on, you must have thought already into joining another company, Ben’s isn’t the only one in New York.”

“As I was fired only…” She looked at her clock. “Five hours ago, no I haven’t given it much thought Josef. I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Josef shrugged. “Fine, let’s talk about Ville.”

Soya looked away from Josef and brought the bottle back to her lips, taking a deep drag. “Actually, let’s go back to talking about dance companies, which one should I go audition for?”

“No, you passed that up and since you only get one pass in ignoring a topic, let’s talk about the next subject, which is your fiancé.”

Soya sighed, she hated the rules of their talks, rules that Josef had made specifically for her because she tended to bypass every topic she didn’t want to get into. He gave her one pass for when she wanted to change the subject, making her talk about another, so she took another drink of her wine before looking back at Josef.

“According to Bam, we’re no longer together.”

Josef raised an eyebrow. “And why does he say that?”

“Apparently Ville told him.” Soya groaned, placing her forehead on her knee and gripping the neck of her bottle. “Truthfully I’m more upset about my situation with Ville then my failing career.”

“For one, I really don’t think you could say your career is failing, it’s already failed.”

“Josef!” Soya groaned.

“I’m kidding!” Josef laughed only to sigh once he calmed. “Soya, you’ll come to realize, sooner hopefully rather than later, that you’re angrier over how you found out then about being asked to leave the company.”

“I wasn’t asked.” Soya muttered.

“You’ll also come to realize that it’s for the best.” Josef assured, leaning forward to put a hand on the back of her head and rub her scalp gently. “As for what’s going on with Ville, tell me everything.”

Soya snorted looking up at him with blearily red eyes. “Are you asking as a concerned friend or as a gossip hound?”

“Both.”

Soya sighed, “Well at least your honest.” She muttered, resting her chin on her knee and started her story. “We went to lunch with my mother, my mother said some…stupid things about how Ville wouldn’t be able to support me with his music, how I was going to have to use the family money for our children’s college fund.” Soya shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Because Ville had made me a promise to not make a scene, he left the table, obviously upset.”

Soya blew out a breath before continuing. “When we got home he didn’t talk to me, but he was still angry, I prodded him into a fight, until he finally told me that he was angry that he hadn’t been able to defend himself, that I hadn’t defended him. To which I got angry, threw my purse at him when he walked away, shoved at him when he didn’t stop and told him I had defended him.”

“You did?” Josef asked with a raised eyebrow.

Soya glared. “Why? Do you also think me as a puppet?”

Josef barked out a laugh. “Hardly, I just still find it hard to believe that you talk back to your mother is all. What’d you say?”

“That she had no say in whom I married or who I loved. Ville’s career isn’t on the list of reasons I’m marrying him and that she had no right to disparage his career in that way.”

“What’d she say?”

Soya shrugged, her mind starting to get a bit foggy from the wine she’d been drinking while telling her story. “I don’t know, she said something about having every right and handed me an envelope and told me that once I read through it I would understand.”

“And do you?”

“Do I what?” Soya asked with a frown.

“Understand?”

“What? No, I haven’t seen what’s inside.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve had other things to worry about Josef!”

“Fine, fine, we’ll get to that later, now back to your argument with Ville, you told him you defended him and then what happened?”

“I don’t know.” Soya sighed, “I said something about him not being upset with me, but more that he actually believed everything my mother was saying. That would be when he told me that he wanted me to leave the tower, that he was going for a walk and he didn’t want me there when he got back.”

“Then what happened?”

Soya blinked. “What do you mean?”

“Did you leave? Did you stay? Did you have wild angry sex all over his tower?”

“You called and I packed my bag and left for here.” Soya said slowly. “I called him before I boarded my flight to let him know what was going on.”

Josef frowned. “And what’d you say?”

“Nothing!” Soya said, her frustration rising, “I didn’t say anything! Just that you called and I had come here earlier and that even with him angry I hoped he would follow even though it was earlier then we’d spoken about.”

“That doesn’t sound like a break up.”

“I know!” Soya said running a hand through her hair. “I don’t know what I’ve done to make him think I would just leave him. I’ve called, let him know what’s going on, I apologized on New Year’s, for everything I had done wrong in the fight and yet here I am, completely out of the loop, hearing about my broken relationship from a second party and I’m drinking, I never drink.”

“I know,” Josef nodded. “Usually I have to poke and prod you until you agree, this time you didn’t even argue.” Josef frowned. “Why aren’t you more upset about the whole Ville situation?”

Soya sighed. “Because I had my emotional breakdown in the car on the way over.”

“While driving?”

“I pulled over.” Soya shrugged. “I’m just…drained. I was just planning on crawling into bed and not waking up until tomorrow, I’m just tired. I want to believe that everything is okay, but then Bam tells me that Ville believe we’ve broken up and the evidence of him not calling back is just too large for me to ignore. I’m heartbroken and I feel like I’m sixteen again, and I feel…” Soya swallowed as she felt her emotions swell again. “I feel lonely and it makes me realize just how much I rely on him. Not just for a relationship, but his friendship.”

Soya bit her lip as she felt the tears make their way down again, and smiled weakly when Josef put his hand over hers. “he’s become one of my best friends, and when I left the studio today the only person I wanted to call was him. When I left Bam’s, the only person I wanted to talk to was him. I’m so lost Josef.”

“Why are you lost Soya?” Josef asked, genuinely confused as he scooted closer to her, Austen, sensing something wrong, looked up at her owner and pawed her way onto Soya’s lap, resting her head on the crook of Soya’s elbow, licking it slowly. Josef couldn’t help but smile at the dog, before looking back at his friend.

“I understand that what’s happening with Ville is hurting you, but why are you lost? Soya, you can’t keep turning to people to tell you what to do with your life, to tell you how to feel, to tell you what to say. You’ve grown up so much because of Ville, but you can’t rely on him to pave your path. If you want him in your future, fine Soya, get him there, but you can’t rely on him to tell you what to do with your life.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Josef asked with a raised eyebrow. “Because it seems to me that you want to call him to ask him what to do. Soya, you lost your job, it happens, but it’s not the end of the world for you. You have your studios, Ben told me he’d hire you on as a consultant, you could focus on your drawings and your fashion, you could move to Helsinki full time. Your life is not at a standstill. Your relationship at the moment is, but your life isn’t. Just because one door closed it doesn’t mean all of them have.”

Soya shook her head, leaning her forehead on her knee. She been very aware that her life wasn’t at a standstill, she knew she had a lot of projects that she could work full time on now that she wasn’t dancing, she’d never denied it. But Josef was wrong, she wasn’t looking at Ville to tell her what to do, she just wanted his support.

She wanted him to be the one sitting on her bed with her, running his hand up and down her back, tangling his fingers in her hair and whispering in her ear that everything was going to be okay. She didn’t want him to tell her what to do, she could figure it herself, she just wanted a shoulder to lean on and she felt that feeling of loneliness creep up on her again because Josef didn’t understand it.

“Let’s just drink.” Soya muttered. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore; I don’t want to think about it, I just want to wallow.”

“Fine.” Josef nodded pulling away. “In that case, we’re going to need more wine.”

XxxxxxX

Soya lay on her pillow, her fingers stroking Austen’s head as her eyes threatened to close in sleep. She was still a bit buzzed from the wine she had drank, but for the most part sober, and because of that she felt her mind wonder to dangerous places.

Rubbing her face against the pillow, she pulled herself up and pushed Josef’s arm off her waist before grabbing Austen and making her way downstairs. She nearly tripped a few times, cursing her clumsiness when she drank and grabbed the railing to keep from falling down the stairs.

Once safely down the stairs she made her way to her gym bag, falling to her knees, wincing when they hit the wood floor hard. Austen wiggled out of her arms and sat next to her as Soya opened the bag and dug around until she found her phone.

Unlocking it, she dialed the only number she’d been dialing for the past five days, putting the phone to her ear listening to his phone ring, while her hair fell in front of her face, staring at the ground. She listened to her voicemail, feeling her eyes close and her shoulders sagged as she heard the beep and spoke.

“I’m a bit tipsy, I won’t lie. Josef made me drink since I wouldn’t tell him where you were or why you weren’t calling or why my phone wasn’t attached to my ear like it was when you were on tour. I told him everything and I miss you Ville. So much.” She rambled, as she opened her eyes and tilted her head back to look at the ceiling running her hand through her hair. “I…god so much shit happened today and all I kept thinking throughout the day was that I needed to call you.” She said, her voice getting lower as she felt the sob making its way out, she bent her head again, wiping her tears away.

“I needed you to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I needed you here and you weren’t. I can’t even talk to you because you’re still not picking up your god damn phone and I just…god, I’m sorry Ville. I’m so sorry. I can’t stand you being angry at me anymore, I can’t…”

She felt her breathing hitch as her thoughts raced and her message jumped from one topic to another. “God and then Bam and I just ...I need you so much right now. I need you tell me what to do because I have no idea anymore, I don’t know where to go from here and right now you’re the one I want to talk to. Josef doesn’t get it…I just…please Ville call me back. Please.”

She pulled the phone away from her ear and hung up, scrubbing her face as she looked at her dog who was staring back at her. “I am pathetic.” She muttered picking the pup up and moving to the couch, lying down, pulling the throw blanket over her body and falling into a fitful sleep.

Tuesday January 4, 2011

“Please tell me, you did not drunk dial Ville.”

Soya blinked, burying her face into the couch cushion as she groaned. “What?” she muttered, peeking her eye open to stare at her friend.

“Did you drunk dial your fiancé?”

“I may have called him last night.” Soya muttered. “But I wasn’t drunk.”

“You drank just as much as I did.”

“No.” Soya said, giving up on going back to sleep as she pushed herself up on the couch. “I stopped after I finished my bottle; you kept going until you downed two in a half. So what if I called him?”

“Do you remember what you said?”

Soya rolled her eyes as she leaned back against the couch, rubbing her eyes tiredly. “It doesn’t matter, it’s not like he’s going to call me back Josef. Just chalk it up to a mistake and let it go.”

Josef sighed as he sat on the coffee table in front of Soya, resting his hands on her knees. “Soya, have you called any of your other friends up there?”

Soya shook her head, tilting back to stare at the ceiling. “No, a part of me wants to, but if Ville’s told Bam that I’ve left him, then he’s most likely told everyone else and I just...don’t want to deal with it.”

Josef shook her leg, causing her to look at him, then down at his hand where he held his phone. “I think it’s time you called, you got second hand information from Bam, I think it’s time you get some more from friends that can get a hold of Ville.”

Soya sighed, grabbing the phone from his hand and biting on her lower lip as she decided who to call. Finally deciding, she found the number and dialed, hoping he would answer, sure enough on the forth ring, the phone got picked up and his voice came on the line cheerful.

“I was wondering when you were going to call!”

Soya frowned. “You were?”

“Of course! We haven’t seen you in days, we’re missing you.”

She frowned deeper at Linde’s words. “Have you talked to Ville?”

Linde paused, thinking about it. “Not since New Year’s…but you know that.”

Soya paused and shook her head. “Why would I know that?”

“Because you’ve been with Ville, seriously the way you both lock yourself up, it can’t be healthy.”

Soya shook her head. “Linde, where do you think I am?”

“You’re at the tower aren’t you?” Linde groaned. “Are you and Ville still fighting? Are you staying at your flat, because we called there and we didn’t get an answer?”

“Linde, I’ve been in New York since the 30th.”

“No,” Linde chuckled. “You spent New Year’s with your sister.”

“No, I spent it in a cab in New York trying to get back to my house. I wasn’t in Finland for New Year’s Linde.”

“That’s not right.” Linde muttered. “Ville left early that night, when we asked Jyrki where he’d gone, he told us that he’d gone to meet you back at the tower because you’d spent the night over in Sipoo with your sister. I’d assumed you guys had made up for the fight you had and were just, you know, making up.”

Soya shook her head. “Linde, I’ve been trying to call Ville since I left, he hasn’t picked up his phone at all. I…” Soya bit her lip hard. “I got called back to New York earlier because I hadn’t received my rehearsal schedule, I’ve been…” she sighed. “I talked to Bam yesterday and he told me that Ville believes we’ve broken up.”

“Wait what?!”

Soya put a hand over her heart and rubbed the spot lightly, suddenly feeling the ache. “I…I’ve been calling him since I left Linde, he hasn’t answered his cell phone, he hasn’t called me back, I don’t…”

“Wait, you’ve been calling his cell?” Linde asked. “Soya his cell phone broke a while ago.”

Soya blinked. “What?”

“Yeah, I think he stepped on it or something, it’d been broken since…before New year’s eve I think, if he hasn’t called you back it’s because he hasn’t gotten your messages, why haven’t you just called the land line.”

Soya stared at the floor in disbelief, her heart beating just a bit faster as she thought about what it meant, but it still didn’t explain how Ville came to the conclusion that she’d left him. “Um…Ville, when he works, he unplugs, he forgets to plug the phone back in. I usually do it when I’m home. I uh…I didn’t want to risk…”

“Him not getting the messages.” Linde finished for her.

“Linde, I don’t…” She pinched her nose. “I’m unraveling, I…” She felt Josef squeeze her knee in support. “I just need to talk to him, I don’t…I never meant to break his heart, I don’t want him to think I broke his heart.” She felt her throat clog up with a quiet cry, tears once again making their way down her cheeks. “I…”

Josef took the phone from her when he saw Soya on the verge of a panic attack and sat next to her, placing the obviously worried puppy on her lap, as he rubbed her back. “Hey, Linde, it’s Josef.”

“I’m going to fix this.” Linde said. “I…how long has she been like this?”

“Nearly since she arrived. She uh….” He looked down at Soya before sighing, knowing that either way her friends would find out. He doubted that Soya would spend much more time in New York now that she was contractually free; she just needed to find her strength to leave the city. “She got kicked out of the company yesterday morning, and then she talked to Bam, so she’s had….she’s been through quite the emotional hell the last 24 hours.”

Linde sighed. “Ville’s been…quiet the last few days, quieter than usual, I knew they’d gotten into a fight, but Ville played it off as if it weren’t that big of a deal. So when Jyrki told us that he’d gone home to Soya on New Year’s Eve, we all just assumed they were both holed up in the tower enjoying the last days in Finland. It wasn’t until today that Toni pointed out that Ville and Soya should have left two days ago and we hadn’t heard from them, not even for them to say goodbye. Mige and I were going to head over there after rehearsals to see what was going on.”

“It’d be much appreciated.” Josef said, “She’s…really destroyed over this Linde, I can’t keep seeing her like this.”

“Look, Ville, he takes a situation and tends to either see the very positive of it or the very negative, I think at this, he saw the very negative and he fucked everything up. Mige and I are going to fix this, they haven’t broken up and we’ll get Ville to see it. Just tell Soya that everything is going to be fine all right?”

Josef nodded. “Yeah.”

“And tell her I’m sorry, I…I should have called her a while ago, but we’ve been getting ready for our tour and it kind of slipped through the cracks.”

“It’s fine; just…get Ville to call her.”

“We’re already gone.” Linde said, before hanging up.

Josef turned to Soya who was breathing a bit more evenly before taking her arms and lifting her up. “I’m getting sick and tired of seeing you like this.”

Soya glared at him. “Sorry my sadness bothers you, I’ll take it to my room.”

“No, you’ll take it to the bathroom, you’ll wash up, get dressed and you’ll go out with me.”

“Josef.” Soya groaned.

“I haven’t seen you in nearly five months and I feel like I’ve barely seen you since you came back, I want to spend time with you and I have just the thing to cheer you up.”

Soya sighed knowing there was no use arguing and walked towards the stairs. “Take the dog out, I’ll get ready.”

“Twenty minutes!” Josef called.

She did as Josef had instructed her to do, and she had to admit the warm shower had made her feel better and her mind had cleared substantially. She was able to think a bit more logically, letting the thoughts in her mind finally align and process.

She admitted to herself that she felt much better having talked to Linde, trusting that he would take care of everything in Finland for her when it involved Ville. It made her heart a bit lighter and that ever present knot of nerves in her stomach to loosen slightly. She felt better after her crying the night before, and even with her drunk call to Ville. She felt…just a bit lighter.

After she showered, she smiled at Austen who was lying on her bed patiently, leaning down she kissed the top of the pups head before going to her closet to dress. She dressed in a pair of black jeans, a long sleeved white knit shirt that had little bow designs all over, and a pair of black fold over combat boots that matched the ones she’d taken with her to Finland. Grabbing an empty black purse, she kissed Austen once more before locking her up in the dog carrier, making sure the pup was comfortable before leaving the room, pulling her hair into a high ponytail as she jogged down the stairs.

“There I’m dressed.”

“And you look better for it.” Josef said with a grin. “Ready to go to lunch?”

Soya frowned, looking at the clock and finding that it was indeed nearing one in the afternoon. “Wow, I could have sworn it was early morning.” She admitted, grabbing her wallet and keys from her gym bag and her cell phone from the couch where Josef had thrown in. “All right I’m ready.”

“Great, I swear you’re going to love this place.”

XxxxxxX

Soya glared at Josef as they got out of the car and stood in front of the building he’d parked in front of. “I thought the goal of this outing was to make me stop crying, not have me continue.”

Josef rolled his eyes. “Look, Linde says he and Mige are going to fix things, you’re still engaged, you’ll get the call from your fiancé, you’ll fix things and keep planning the wedding, but you still need a dress, and you promised me that I would get to help you with this.”

Soya chewed her bottom lip as she stuffed her hands in her pockets looking at the bridal dress shop. She had promised Josef she would try dresses on with him, and knowing him he already had the damn appointment set up, which meant she would have to go through with it either way. She still wanted to argue though; it didn’t feel right, trying on wedding dresses when her relationship with Ville was such a mess.

“Look, I may not get this chance again Soya, because we all know that if you marry Ville, you’re in it for the long haul, and I highly doubt Rosalind would even wear a wedding dress if she ever got married let alone take my opinion. Don’t look at it as finding your wedding dress for May, look at it as trying on dresses for fun.”

“I wasn’t going to argue about it.” She muttered, letting Josef drag her into the store. “Knowing you, you’ve had the appointment set up for ages.”

“Since you told me I was going to be helping you.” Josef grinned. “And I called while you were in the shower to let them know we were coming.”

“Wonderful.” Soya said, crossing her arms over her chest as Josef went to talk to one of the ladies at the front desk. The lady smiled as Josef talked to her, and nodded walking away from the desk as Soya looked at the dresses that sat on the rack.

“I already had them place some on a rack for you.”

“I know.” Soya said, feeling the material of one of the dresses, only to scrunch up her nose when she saw how poofed out it was.

“Rose told me you weren’t too fond of the poofy dresses, so I took those out and picked some others.”

Soya nodded. “All right.”

“Mr. Kolar?” Soya and Josef turned towards the female voice, the woman walking to them, shaking Josef’s hand and smiling at Soya. “Hi, I’m Tasha; I’ll be your consultant today! Congratulations on your engagement.”

“Thanks.” Soya said with a forced smile.

“If you’ll follow me, Mr. Kolar has already picked out some dresses for you.”

“It’s Josef,” Josef grinned as he placed a hand on the small of Soya’s back, “And she knows.”

“So when’s the event?”

“Ah…we’re shooting for May.” Soya said, before biting her lip.

“Are you having it here in the city? A spring wedding in New York sounds beautiful.” Tasha grinned, opening one of the large dressing rooms. “Josef, if you just keep going down this hall you’ll get to a waiting room where Soya can walk out and you can see the dresses.”

“Perfect.” Josef said, continuing to walk as Soya went into the room.

“So New York?” Tasha asked, closing the door.

“Uh, no,” Soya said, running her hand through her ponytail. “We’re both from Finland; so we’re having it there on a friend’s ranch.”

“Oh, that’s sounds wonderful.” Tasha said with a grin. “Have a seat, and we’ll narrow down Josef’s choices, he picked a good thirty dresses.” Tasha laughed as Soya sat on the couch that sat against the wall and Tasha sat in a chair across from her. “But as the bride you most likely have what you want in mind.”

“Uh…not really.” Soya admitted. “I trust Josef with what he picked.”

“Do you have a price range?” Tasha asked. “That may help narrow down the dresses.”

“No, no price range.”

“Any type of style in mind?

Soya shrugged. “Just as long as it doesn’t have a large skirt, it’s fine.”

“So something tighter to the body?” Tasha asked as she scribbled on her pad.

Soya bit the corner of her lip as she thought about it looking at the corner of the room, before sighing and looking at Tasha. “Tasha, truthfully I’m only here to humor Josef, he wants to see me try on dresses and if I don’t he’ll nag about it day in and day out and I really don’t want to live with that.”

“Are you at least engaged?” Tasha asked with a weary smile. “You’re not wearing a ring.”

“Uh…I am.” Soya said slowly. “I just forgot my ring.”

“All right then. So you really don’t care about your dress?”

Soya sighed. “I do, I really do. I tried on dresses back home a few weeks ago, but I didn’t see any I really liked. I’m told that when I find the dress, I’ll know, but I didn’t feel that with any I tried on.”

Tasha nodded. “It happens to a lot of brides, even when they know exactly what dress they want. Tell me a little bit about what type of dress you think you want.”

“I haven’t been able to decided, when I was looking online I really liked the vintage looking dresses, with the lace overlays, but I don’t want anything to…reveling I guess. I want something that looks a bit more traditional, but doesn’t feel traditional; oh I’m not making any sense am I?”

“No, you are.” Tasha laughed. “I think there are a few in Josef’s picks that you may like, I’ll go pull them, all right?”

Soya nodded, watching as Tasha left the room, it felt odd looking for a wedding dress when she wasn’t sure how her relationship was, but she trusted Linde and Mige would fix things, so she didn’t worry too much about it.

She leaned back on the couch, and thought about what she was going to do about her future. If she was being honest with herself, she had to admit she was a bit relieved about not having to dance for two more years. She liked the idea of returning to Finland to live full time, she missed her home country and she missed her friends, she missed her home. She’d told Ville the truth in one of her voicemails, how while she had missed Josef, she missed New York very little.

Nothing but her studio was keeping her tied to New York, and even then Brooke was handling the studio perfectly without her, only asking for help when she absolutely needed it. All Soya really needed to do was come out every few months and check in, make sure all her students were being taught well and organize her yearly showcase. She had her other studio in Helsinki that she wanted to focus on and get it running the way she wanted it run.

She also had the free empty lot next to it that her father had bought and left her after his passing, she had loose plans for it and now that she wasn’t tied to the company anymore she could start working on those plans.

“All right.” Tasha said coming in with four dresses over her shoulder, causing Soya to shake her thoughts out of her head. “Let’s start with these and we’ll go from there.”

Soya nodded. “All right.”

An hour in a half and ten dresses later, Soya stood in front of the mirror in the dressing room, smoothing the front of the dress with her hands. It had the vintage look she’d been wanting, with its lace overlay and just slightly off white color, it still stayed traditional in its length and the small train that puddled at her feet rather than trailed after her.

“So what do you think?” Tasha asked smiling at her.

“I love it.” Soya said, “I like that it’s form fitting, but still lets me breath, I love the lace of it, and I love the length of the train, I love that there’s beading, but it’s not overbearing in its design.”

“Sounds like it’s the dress.” Tasha grinned as she pinned the back so it would fit Soya a bit better

“I think it is.” Soya said, staring at herself in the mirror.

“Let’s go show Josef and see what he says.”

Soya nodded, picking up the bottom of the dress so she wouldn’t step on it and leaving the room. Josef straightened when he saw her coming out only to nod as she stepped up on the podium in front of the three way mirror

“Do you like it?” Josef asked with a grin.

“I love it.” Soya admitted, looking over her shoulder at him. “Do you?”

“I think it’s very much you, and it’s the first time I’ve seen you smiling since I brought you in here where the smile is genuine.”

“Josef.” Soya groaned.

“I love it miláček, it fits you perfectly and you look amazing. Ville will love it.”

“Want to see it with a veil?” Tasha asked.

“No veil.” Both Soya and Josef said at the same time, causing them to grin at each other.

“At least not a long one,” Soya said. “I was thinking more of a…oh what are the called? They only cover the eyes.”

“The birdcage veils, I think I have one in the back.” Tasha said walking out of the room.

Soya looked back in the mirror, before turning to Josef. “I’m not going to get it Josef.”

“Of course you’re not,” Josef said with a roll of his eyes. “I’m getting it for you.”

Soya sighed as she went to sit next to Josef on the couch. “You are not getting a wedding dress today Josef.”

Josef smiled and patted her knee. “Soya, I know it’s weird for you and I know your relationship right now is a bit rocky, but you’re going to marry that man, if not in May, eventually. There’s no denying that and this is the dress you were meant to wear, I want to get it for you Soya. It’s too gorgeous of a dress for you to pass up and then try to find it when you do want to get it. We’ll get it today and we’ll figure it out when that time comes.”

Soya bit her lip. “I’m going back to Finland.”

“I figured.” Josef shrugged. “I’m going back to the company.”

Soya laughed. “I figured.”

“I’m also moving out of the townhouse.”

“You are?” Soya asked in surprise.

Josef nodded. “Russell and I have been thinking of finding a house together outside of the city, so I’m willing to sell you my half of the house.”

Soya laughed. “You’re leaving me the house?”

“I’m not leaving you shit, I’m selling you my half. You love it and I figure, you need someplace to stay when you come into town and you love the townhouse.”

“I do.” Soya smiled she’d been the one to pick it out when they’d been looking, she loved that it was in the city, close enough to the stores but far enough from the traffic, she loved that it had come with a yard and she loved the space.

“Soya, we’re growing up, you haven’t been happy here for a few years now and you being in Finland it’s the happiest I’ve ever heard you be. You should go back Soya.”

Soya sighed. “Is this another book ending for us?”

Josef shrugged. “I like to think of it as a chapter this time around.” He grinned, leaning forward to kiss her forehead; Soya smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder just as Tasha came back with the veil.

“All right,” she said. “Let’s get this on.”

Friday January 7, 2011

“Have fun at rehearsals!” Soya called as Josef left the house with his gym bag over his shoulder, she leaned back against the kitchen counter, watching Austen as the pup ate out of her bowl and stirred the spoon in her coffee as she thought about what she wanted to do that day.

She had started packing her things from her room and was making a nice pile in the living room for Josef to start shipping off to Helsinki soon. She’d decided to leave for Helsinki the next evening, wanting to go back home sooner rather than later.

She had spent the rest of her week checking in at her studio and tying up the few loose ends she had in New York. It was amazing that uprooting her entire life from New York was less stressful then the tying up the loose ends in Finland when she and Ville had been planning their trip to New York.

Ville, she sighed as she thought about him. Linde had called her, his voice angry, telling her that they’d given Ville a new phone and told him to check his messages. She hadn’t asked what had gotten Linde so angry, since he hadn’t seemed all that upset when she’d spoken to him, just worried. His voice, though, had held such raw fury that she had to wonder just what he and Mige had talked to Ville about and what Ville had said, but she hadn’t wanted to ask.

She looked down when she felt Austen paw at her pajama pants and smiled, sitting on the floor in front of her dog, her coffee mug next to her knee she played with the dog on the floor, letting Austen chase her fingers and nip at them.

She hadn’t called Ville either, when she’d come back from trying on wedding dresses, she‘d gone upstairs about to call him only to put her phone down. She’d been prepared to apologize again and she just couldn’t, there was only so much apologizing she could do before the fight stopped being her fault and she’d done her fair share of it, more, she thought then her fair share of apologizing so she hadn’t called.

She felt like the small time apart from Ville was helping her grow into herself a lot more, while Ville had helped her realize that she wasn’t someone to push around, that she could stand up for herself, she still relied on him for a lot of things. The time apart had helped her stand on her own two feet and realize that she was her own person, that while she loved Ville wholeheartedly, she didn’t need him to make decisions about her life, she could make her own.

With the realizations she’d made, she’d decided that she needed a change, she needed to let go of her past and start her future anew. She pulled her hair over her shoulder and looked at the ends with a wistful smile.

She’d never cut her hair because her father had loved it long and it was the one thing she’d ever felt she’d done that had pleased him.

She’d never cut her hair because the length annoyed her mother and that had pleased her.

She’d never cut her hair because the dance company preferred it long as it was easier to style for performances.

She’d never cut her hair because when she’d reunited with Ville, he had voiced his appreciation for her long hair and had wanted to keep him happy.

She hated her long hair, she hated the length, she hated that she had to braid it nearly every night so she wouldn’t pull on the strands when she slept; she hated how high maintenance it was and how tangled it would get. She hated that she kept it so long for other people and not for herself. She hated how childish her long hair made her feel and look. She hated that she had never experimented with hairstyles because she’d wanted to please others.

Looking down at Austen who was chewing on her thumb, she smiled. “I think I’m going to get my haircut.” Soya said with a definitive nod, she got up off the floor and went upstairs Austen following her, going into her room, she helped Austen onto the bed.

She stripped of her pajamas and feeling the need to dress up a bit, she pulled on a pair of red tights before scrounging around her closet for a skirt. Finding a black lace one, she slipped it on, adjusting it as her waist and letting it fall mid-thigh before pulling a red tank off the hanger and pulling it over her head, and shrugging on a light black pullover to cover her shoulders and arms. She searched through her shoes and found a pair of silk button up heeled boots that she wore.

She kissed her pups nose before locking her up in the carrier, grabbed her red clutch, transferring everything into it before making her way down stairs. Grabbing her black coat, she buttoned it up before leaving the house and locking her door.

She stood on her steps, wondering if she wanted to walk the few blocks in the light snow to the hair salon she frequented to get her hair trimmed, or if she wanted to drive. Deciding she didn’t feel like driving, she pulled her black gloves from her pocket along with her scarf, only to smile when she found her black beanie in her pocket as well. Twirling her long hair, she stuffed it all under her beanie, wrapped the scarf around her neck, before putting her hands in her gloves and sticking them into her coat pockets before starting down the street.

She had to admit she was excited to get her hair cut, excited to go home with a new perspective on her life and on herself. She felt like she was finally one step closer to being happier with who she was, one step closer to finding her place in the world. She still had things to work on, she wouldn’t deny it, she still had a mess of baggage but she was finally at the place in her life where she could say she was happy with who she was.

Her heart still ached for Ville, she didn’t think it would ever really stop but she wasn’t angry anymore. She was accepting and she was hopeful, and though she wanted to call him every day she knew she couldn’t. She’d taken her steps to fixing their relationship and her final one was moving to Helsinki full time.

As the saying went, the ball was in Ville’s court; Linde had assured her that Ville would listen to the messages, but the when was still up in the air. She accepted it, but it didn’t stop the ache in her heart or the way her stomach would drop and tighten in nerves every time she thought about him.

She shook her head free of her thoughts, deciding to enjoy the wonderful winter chill that ran through her body and the snow flurries that fell around her as she trudged through the snow covered side walk. She enjoyed the fact that she had actual free time, that she had actually gotten to sleep in for the last week and that the only reason her toes were hurting were because her boots were just the slightest bit too small.

Reaching the salon, with a smile on her face, she pulled open the door, shaking her head free of the snow, before smiling at the receptionist.

“Hi.” Soya said, causing the woman to look up at her.

“Afternoon.” She said. “How can I help you?”

“I’m looking to get my haircut, I don’t have an appointment, but I usually come to get my hair trimmed.”

“Well, it’s been pretty slow due to the snow, so we have a large block of open hours.” She admitted. “Do you see someone regularly?”

“Not really.”’ Soya shrugged. “Whoever’s willing to cut my hair can do it.”

“I’ll go see who’s free then, go ahead and have a seat, I’ll be right out.” The woman said before getting up from her seat.

Soya nodded, taking a seat at one of the chairs across from the reception desk, taking off her outer clothes as the warmth of the shop crept up on her. She hadn’t waited five minutes, before the woman came back out with a younger woman trailing behind her.

“Miss, Jenna will be able to help you today.”

“Great.” Soya said, standing up and following Jenna to a chair.

“You can leave your coat and things there, Faith will take care of them for you.”

“Thanks.” Soya nodded, leaving her coat but taking her purse as she followed Jenna to one of the chairs.

“So are you in for a trim?” Jenna asked gathering her supplies.

“No, I’m looking to get it all cut, I’m not sure how short I want to go, but I want most of the length gone.”

Jenna nodded as she looked over at her. “Well, let’s see what’s under the hat and we’ll go from there.”

“Hat? Oh!” Soya laughed as she touched the top of her head to find her beanie still sitting on top. Taking it off, she let her hair fall, only for Jenna to raise an eyebrow.

“Holy crap.” Jenna chuckled, running her fingers through Soya’s hair. “How long did it take you to grow this?”

Soya laughed. “I’ve never cut it, just trimmed, so this is my hair from childhood.”

“Dear god, it’s so long, why on the world would you want to cut it! It’s gorgeous.”

Soya grinned. “Just tired of the maintenance really and I figure if I cut it all now and absolutely hate it short I could just grow it back out.”

Jenna laughed. “Very true, how short do you want to go? Do you want to go Demi Moore circa her Ghost era? Or short Keri Russell when she cut her hair and ruined Felicity.”

Soya laughed. “I think I only got the Ghost reference, and no not Demi Moore.”

“Okay so a bit longer than that.” Jenna laughed.

“I’m thinking just at the base of my neck and I’ve always kind of wanted bangs, but not short ones.” Soya waved her hand. “You know what, I trust you, just hack away.”

Jenna laughed. “That is a lot of power you’re giving my scissors.”

“I gave you the idea of the length I want and I told you I want bangs, other than that, up to you.”

Jenna nodded. “All right, easy client, love it…but if you absolutely hate it?”

“I completely blame myself and you still get a generous tip.”

“Awesome.” Jenna laughed. “Now, the amount of hair that we’re cutting, it’s long enough to donate, if you want.”

Soya grinned. “I love the idea.”

“Great, I’ll cut it a few inches longer than what you want so I can get a nice clean cut for the donation and then we’ll go from there.”

Soya nodded as Jenna tied her hair back in a loose ponytail so the hair would be banded together when she cut for the donation. She set the scissors just next to Soya’s hair and grinned at her through the mirror.

“Not too late to turn back.”

Soya squeaked and closed her eyes, “Just do it before I change my mind.”

There was no warning, just the sound the scissors as they moved across her hair and the feeling of her head getting lighter as the weight of her hair was cut off.

“All right, it’s gone, no going back now.” Jenna said.

Soya opened her eyes slowly, only to get turned around before she could see herself in the mirror. “Hey!”

“Nope, not until I’m done, because if you absolutely hate your hair short, then you’ll have it set in your mind that you don’t like it before I style it.” Jenna tease. “Now, come on, I’m going to trust that you don’t look into any mirrors while we move over to the sink.”

Soya promised letting Jenna lead her to the sink, she sat and talked to Jenna as she got her hair washed, then closed her eyes, letting Jenna led her back to the chair and chit chatted while she styled Soya’s hair. She nearly winced when Jenna moved in front of her and started cutting for her bangs.

“Now a cut is all you want right? No color or anything?”

Soya laughed as Jenna cut the hairdryer and placed it back on her work station. “I think that cut is as traumatic as I want to get today.”

“Wonderful, then prepared to be amazed.” Jenna said twirling Soya around so she was facing the mirror.

Soya’s eyes widened when she caught the first glance at her hair, nearly panicking at how short it was, but as she stared longer, she couldn’t help but love it what Jenna had done.

“I did an A-line.” Jenna said, walking her through her hair cut. “I noticed the tattoo on your neck, and it’s to pretty a word not to showcase it, what does it mean by the way?”

“It’s the name of my goddaughter.” Soya said. “It means virgin in Finnish.”

“Odd, but pretty.”

“Her father and his friends have an odd sense of humor.” Soya admitted.

Jenna grinned. “I bet, so because of the A-line it’s just a bit shorter in the back and gets longer as it goes towards your face. I also gave you a few layers through your hair, just to give it that wild, ‘just had the best sex of my life’ look.”

Soya burst out laughing as she looked over at Jenna. “Wonderful.”

“Because the weight’s been lifted off your hair, you’ve got a bit of natural curls going through your hair now instead of just those light waves.”

“I love it.” Soya admitted with a smile.

“The only thing I wasn’t sure of was the bangs. You said you didn’t want the super short ones, and straight across bangs just wouldn’t work with your face, so I gave you side swept bangs, they work amazingly well with your cheekbones, and make you look younger without giving you that childish look.”

“No, no, I love them, you did wonderfully, I’m glad I placed my trust in you and your scissors.”

“I’m a genius I know.” Jenna laughed, as Soya reached for her purse and got out her wallet. “Oh, please, seriously you don’t have to tip me, just pay Faith up front.”

“No, no I insist.” Soya said, handing Jenna a twenty “Seriously, a lot of people would have taken advantage of me having given them total control of my hair, but you did amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“And if I ever need anything else done I’ll be sure to come back.” Soya assured, placing her beanie back on her head and smiling at Jenna. “Really, thanks.”

“It’s no problem.” Jenna assured, as Soya smiled one last time before walking over to the desk and standing in front of Faith.

“Wow, looks nice.”

“Thanks.” Soya smiled. “How much do I owe?”

Faith told her the total, ran Soya’s credit card and bid her a good day as Soya put her outer layers back on and left the salon started back to her house, feeling a lot lighter then she had an hour ago. Then she had days ago, really.

She frowned when she reached her house and saw Josef’s car out front, but shrugged and walked up the stoop, opening the door, hearing Josef in the kitchen.

“Soya?” he called.

“Who else would just walk into the house?” she asked, taking her out clothes off and throwing her beanie onto the couch as she went into the kitchen. “Did you come home for lunch?” she asked as she walked into the kitchen, Josef’s back turned to her as he fixed himself a salad.

“Yeah, I’m heading out in a few, you want a salad?”

“No I’m fine.”

“Where were you?” Josef asked looking over his shoulder at her, only to turn fully and glare at her. “What the hell did you do?!”

“You don’t like it?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t get my approval!” Josef said going over to her and playing with her hair. “Christ Soya, it’s short.”

“I know.” She grinned.

“Ville won’t have anything to grab on to!”

“Josef!” Soya laughed, pushing him away. “Tell me you love it and be done with it.”

Josef nodded. “You like it?”

“Love it really.”

“Then so do I, whoever did it really did a wonderful job. It’s just a shock; I didn’t know you wanted your hair so short.” Josef admitted, going back to his salad and scrounging a fork out of the silverware drawer before leaning up against the counter, facing her so they could talk. “You’ve been so adamant about keeping it longer because it’s bugs the shit out of your mom.”

“Which is why I cut it.” Soya admitted. “I was keeping my hair a certain way for people and I’d never really got the chance to play with it, I’ve never just done something for me when it comes to how I look. The company fixes my hair 90% of the time when we tour and my mother had something to say about my appearance nearly every time I saw her.”

Josef smiled at her, nodding proudly as he ate. “Well, like I said, it looks wonderful on you Soya. You look your age, but in a good way. I like this new take charge Soya.” He said waving is fork in her direction.

“I kind of like her myself.” Soya laughed.

“And you look really good too.” Josef said. “I like the outfit you’re wearing.”

“It felt like a dress up type of day.” Soya shrugged. “I’m going go upstairs and finish packing.”

“You know you don’t have to rush to get everything packed Soya, get as much done as you can and then I’ll pack and ship the rest.”

“I know.” Soya said with a nod. “Don’t worry, you’ll have your fun going through my room, but for now I pack.”

“Have fun!” Josef called. “I’m leaving in five minutes, don’t be offended if I don’t say ‘bye’!”

“I won’t be!” Soya laughed, going up the stairs and back into her room, only to walk back down the stairs two minutes later with Austen in her hands to take the pup out.

She spent a good portion of her afternoon, packing her valuables into boxes, mostly sorting her things and leaving notes to Josef as to what to pack and what to leave. Once evening hit, she and Austen went downstairs to fix dinner, she fed the dog in her little bowl, while she fixed a sandwich for herself and put on a movie in the living room as she ate on the couch in her pajamas.

It was at that point in the might that her missing Ville really came forward to make itself aware. She rolled her eyes at herself, before grabbing her phone and dialing his number, surprised when it rang instead of going straight to his voicemail like it had the rest of the times. She felt hope rise, only to be dashed a few rings later when she heard his voice mail message.

“I’m looking at the clock and I just did the calculation in my head, and it’s 2 am there…so sorry if I woke you.” She sighed. “I can’t believe I couldn’t make it a full 72 hours without calling you, but I’m sitting her in the living room watching a movie with Austen and feeling utterly alone and missing you. It was just…it was the feeling that’s most prominent at the moment and it just…it hurts.”

Soya ran a hand through her short hair, brushing the bangs out of her eyes, “I know Linde went to go talk to you or probably yell at you as he sounded very angry on the phone when I talked to him a couple of days ago.” She bit her lip, before she got what she wanted off her chest. “I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days and I’ve come to a lot of realizations in our time apart.

“I feel like I’ve done my fair share of apologizing for our fight, I’ve agonized over it, I’ve cried over it, and I’m just…tired. It hurts to think that you thought I had left you, I don’t know where you got the crazy notion but it hurt…so badly that you ever thought that. Now you know I didn’t though, and now you’ve heard all my messages, my sober ones and my drunk ones and I feel I’ve done my share of trying to fix this.

“It’s your turn Ville, it’s your turn to agonize, it’s your turn to apologize and it’s your turn to try and fix this. It may seem unfair, but I need to know that you’re just as sorry for all this as I am.”

She bit her lip as she thought about the next thing she was going to say, took a deep breath and said it. “I’ll be leaving New York tomorrow and I’ll be arriving in Helsinki early morning on the 9th, I have a layover in LA first. I’d really like it if you came to pick me up. If you show up, then…we’ll talk and see what happens. If you don’t then…” Soya chewed on her lip. “Then this is the last phone call you’ll get from me. I love you Ville, with all my heart and I really do hope to see you at the airport.”

Saturday January 8, 2011
Los Angeles

She had a lot of time to think, Soya thought as she walked down the sidewalks of LA. She’d purposely gotten the day long layover in LA so she could go to Kat’s tattoo parlor and get her tattoo finished.

She had thought a lot about what it meant if Ville was at the airport waiting for her and she came to the conclusion that obviously she would be ecstatic to see his smiling face at the airport waiting to take her home. It hadn’t been a hard thing to figure out, she missed him dreadfully, she loved him with everything she had, seeing him after being apart for a week in a half without any contact…the word ‘ecstatic’ didn’t even begin to cover what she would feel.

It was the feelings she would have if he didn’t show up. She’d be heartbroken of course, she knew that. She’d be angry that he hadn’t even given them a chance to talk it out. She’d be disappointed and a whole myriad of emotions that she couldn’t even pinpoint but would be of the worst kind.

Then she asked herself, would she stay that way? Would she stay heartbroken? Ville had been a large part of her life in her youth, had been the first best friend she’d had, the first person to accept her fault and all and enjoy her because of them. He’d been her first kiss and had been the kiss that had meant the most.

He’d been a large part in her life presently, been her first stable relationship, her first sexual relationship. He’d been the one to help her become aware and proud of the person she was, and he’d been the one to help her realize that if something upset her she shouldn’t hold it in, fearing someone’s judgment but to voice her opinion. He’d been the first to make her realize she had an opinion worth sharing.

But then she thought about it, while she would stay heartbroken, for the longest time, she would learn to heal. Would she resent Ville for the failure of their relationship? Maybe, but it wouldn’t stay that way. Would she regret their relationship? Never. Would she regret giving him her virginity? Never. Would she regret getting her back tattoo for him? Never.

So with that thought, she decided to get two new tattoos, and hoped Kat would oblige and do them for her. She walked into High Voltage with a small smile only to see Kat sitting at the reception, looking up when Soya walked in.

“Hey!” Kat grinned, getting up and hugging Soya.

“Hey back.” Soya grinned.

“What are you doing in LA? I thought you started dancing again.”

“I’m actually on my way back to Helsinki in the morning but I purposely stopped in LA to see if you’d be willing to finish my back piece.”

“Lucky for you, I’m free today, I just came in to check on some things before heading back home to work on some projects.”

“Oh! Then in that case, don’t worry about it.” Soya said, causing Kat to shake her head.

“No, no, I’m dying to see what your tattoo will look like finished, I’m so mad at myself for not finishing it before I left Hels, come on back.” Kat said as Soya pulled off her hoodie to reveal her white tank top that she’d worn with a pair of ripped jeans and her converse. LA weather was very different then New York or Helsinki weather in the winter.

“So your dancing schedule got pushed back?” Kat asked as Soya took a seat in of the tattooing chairs, watching as Kat set up.

“I was actually asked to leave the company.” Soya admitted, bitterness no longer in her voice when she said it, she understood it and accepted it, the decision was out of her hands and it was time for her to move on, which she had. “I twisted my ankle pretty badly towards the beginning of the year; my bosses found out and couldn’t risk me being a liability on stage.”

“Well that sucks.” Kat said, looking back at Soya.

Soya shrugged. “I had my mourning period, I’m getting over it, I have my own projects I want to work on and this will give me the chance to do so.”

“So you’re moving to Helsinki permanently?”

Soya nodded. “I am, I’m excited for it.”

“I bet, I bet Ville is too, getting to see his wifey day in a day out.” Kat teased

Soya gave her a weary smile. “Ville and I hit a bit of a rough patch, but I’m hoping we’ll get through it once I get back.”

Kat paused, noticing that Soya didn’t want to talk about it and had only told her because she wanted Kat to know in case she should regret tattooing her later on, Kat just gave a slow nod. “I’m sure you guys will work through it, every relationship has one or twelve. It’ll work itself out.”

Soya nodded. “I’m sure it will, I actually have a favor to ask of you?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“I didn’t just come in here to get my back piece finished, I was actually wondering if you could do two smaller pieces for me.”

“Two smaller pieces?”

“On my wrists.” Soya nodded.

Kat nodded. “Sure, let me go wash up, then we’ll get started on your back, and while I do that, you can tell me about these two pieces.”

“Great, thanks.”

“No problem, be right back.” Kat smiled, leaving Soya in the chair as she went to go wash up. Soya smiled, looking down at her blank wrists and knew she’d made the right decision.

Sunday January 9, 2011

Soya leaned back in her seat with a happy smile, the pilot having just announced that they were half an hour away from the Helsinki Airport and to start gathering their things. Shutting her laptop, she started stuffing it in her messenger bag, only to meet resistance when she tried shoving it in there.

Placing the computer back on the makeshift desk of a food tray, she looked inside her bag, only to pull out a yellow envelope. The yellow envelope her mother had handed her at the disaster lunch a week ago. Holding it between her knees, she stuffed her laptop back inside her bag setting it in the empty seat next to her before turning back to the envelope.

She opened the flap and peeked inside, only to see papers inside. Pulling them out she put them on the food trey and scanned the typed writing on the papers, her eyes widening with every word she read.

She didn’t know how long she’d been scanning the paperwork, but she didn’t look up until she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Ma’am we’re getting ready to land, please buckle up.”

“Oh, thank you.” Soya muttered, her shaking fingers buckling up her safety belt, before gathering the mess of papers and shoving them back into their envelope and into her messenger back, trying to process what she had just read.

Shaking her head, she rubbed her face tiredly at her horrible mother and the mess she’d caused, only to look out the window as Helsinki came into view as the plane landed. Her nerves started jumping for a different reason as the plane landed.

She took off her safety belt and gathered her bag, waiting her turn patiently to get off the plane. She made a beeline to the pet pick up to get Austen, just as happy to see Austen as Austen was to see her, before she made her way to the luggage claim.

She eyed the area as she waited for her large suitcase to make its way around, not seeing Ville’s tall form between other peoples loved ones. She found her suitcase and started to grab it, only for another pale hand to reach out and grab it before her.

She turned to tell the person that it was hers only to smile when she saw Linde’s grinning face in front of her. “Where in the world did you come from?”

Linde laughed as he pulled her luggage and set it on the floor, before grabbing her in a tight hug. “Josef called and told me when you landed; we couldn’t stand the thought of you taking a cab home, so we came to pick you up. Just this bag?”

“One other.” Soya said, pointing it out to Linde. “You didn’t need to come.”

Linde grabbed the other bag and set it on the floor, arranging them both so he could take both of them. “Of course I did.”

Soya bit her lip as she started walking with them, only to stop and look around, hoping to see Ville.

“Soya?” Linde asked, turning to look at her. “What’s wrong?”

Soya looked back at Linde. “You haven’t heard from Ville, have you?”

Linde groaned as he put a hand on the small of Soya’s back and led her out the doors. “Has the idiot not called you back?”

“No.” Soya whispered.

“Asshole.” Linde said with a shake of his head as they walked to the car, Soya smiling when she saw Mige sitting in the driver’s seat. Not being able to help herself she took one last look around, before settling into the backseat of Mige’s car with Austen’s carrier next to her, while Linde loaded her luggage, much to her protest.

“Good to see you Mige.” She smiled, leaning over to hug him.

“Good to see you too, how was New York?”

“Eventful, but I’m sure you heard.”

Mige chuckled. “Yeah, Josef told us most of what happened, he wants us to treat you like you’re porcelain.”

“Oh please don’t.” Soya laughed, taking the beanie she had off her head, letting her short hair drop, before running hand through it. Mige turned to look at her and smiled.

“Hey, I like the haircut.”

“Thanks.” She grinned as Linde got into the car.

“Soya you could have sat up front.” Linde said, turning to look back at her, only to smile. “I like the hair.”

“Thanks.” She laughed.

“So where too?” Mige asked, turning the car on.

“Uh…” She bit her lip, scanning the area, before offering her friends a weak smile. “My flat.”

“Are you sure?” Linde asked.

Soya nodded. “Positive.”

“All right, your flat it is.” Mige said pulling into traffic and heading towards Soya’s flat.

That night, Soya cried herself to sleep as she mourned her relationship, hoping the ache would heal quickly.

Saturday January 15, 2011

“Why do I have to go again?” Soya asked with a groan as she set the phone she had on the bed next to her as she pulled on her ivory closed toe heels with wrap around ribbon at her ankle.

“Because, this is the last time we’ll all be together for a while Soya!” Toni reminded. “The guys are going on tour next month and they’re going to be rehearsing for the next few weeks, holing up, and I’m going to London to visit family for a few weeks so I won’t get to hang out with you. Natali, Vedrana and I haven’t seen you since you got back home and the guys miss you as well.”

“Toni.” Soya sighed.

“Look, I know how you feel about him, so we may have kept him out of the loop on this one.”

“Really Toni, I would prefer you hadn’t done that.” Soya said as she stood, smoothing the wrinkles out of her orange button down dress and adjusting the bow that sat just above her stomach. She grabbed her ivory trench coat off the bed and started out the door, pointing at Austen to behave before locking the door behind her.

“Look, we know that you don’t want us to pick you or him and we’re not, we just want to see you and we know what it’s going to take to get that, plus he’s been holing himself up in that tower of his not talking to anyone.”

Soya bit back a sigh as she walked down the three flights of steps to the lobby. “Well you guys sure know how to win me over, good company, a promise of good food and wine, how can I complain?”

“Linde told us you hacked your hair off and we’re dying to see it, and we want to gossip as to why you’re not dancing. See this is what happens when you ignore your friends, who love and care for you.”

“Way to make me feel guilty.” Soya laughed unlocking the blue Audi Q5, that she had bought a couple days after getting back home, and sliding in, throwing her wallet onto the seat next to her and setting her cellphone on her lap as she warmed up the car and buckled up. “Well I’m on my way now; I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Perfect, Linde should be back soon too.”

“Where did Linde go?” Soya asked with a frown as she pulled into traffic and made her way out to Toni and Linde’s house out in the country.

“He went to go get some things for dinner, run some errands, you know…boy stuff.” Toni said quickly, causing Soya to snort.

“That didn’t sound suspicious at all!” she laughed. “I’ll be there in twenty Toni.”

“Great! See you soon.”

Soya bid her friend goodbye, closing her cell and tossing it into the seat next to her as she drove. She looked made a turn, catching a glimpse of her newest tattoo on her wrist, only causing her to smile as she covered it back up with the thick gold leaf shaped bracelet she had on her wrist. Out of the three tattoos Kat had done for her, she was ready for people to see only two which is why she proudly showed off her back, and didn’t mind if people read the script on her left wrist. Her right wrist on her other hand, was only for her and for Ville when he was ready to see it, and until she felt he was ready, the tattoo was kept hidden from prying eyes.

She’d kept her promise that she’d made on the phone, she hadn’t called Ville since stepping foot in Helsinki and until he changed that, she wouldn’t. She’d only cried herself to sleep twice, the first two nights she’d arrived, as she’d spent those two days in her apartment in her pajamas feeling sorry for herself.

Once the third day came, she kicked herself into gear and got to work. She spent half the day looking at cars, only to call Mige to come and help her pick when she couldn’t decide what car was best for her and when she started getting hounded by the car salesmen. Once she had her car, she threw herself into her work, taking her studio over again and even arranging the teaching schedules so she could teach three times a week and keep herself busy.

She’d started loose plans on the lot next to her studio, and even made phone calls to the contractors who had helped her expand her studio to see if they were open to build an entire building. They had told her that once she had the proper permits, they would be more than happy too. So she’d started looking up the types of permits she’d needed for what she had in mind.

She’d called Ben, and again apologized for her behavior, explaining to him what had happened when it came to the x-rays. He forgave her and expressed his regret that they hadn’t gotten lunch before she had left. Once that was out of the way, she talked to him about her plans and was happy to hear him express an interest. She’d hung up the phone with the promise from Ben, that he would be visiting Helsinki soon to have a proper meeting with her, which only made her more excited about her plans.

She had also dealt with the papers her mother sent her, contacted her lawyer, and unfortunately her mother, and had a plan to meet with them the next morning to discuss what exactly it was that her mother wanted. That, she shoved to the back of her head, not wanting to stress about the situation.

While she still missed Ville, every day that passed, she was working hard to heal. Working hard to not forget but to accept and while it was difficult she was taking the process day by agonizing day.

It would be good to spend the evening having dinner with friends, she thought as she pulled up in front of the wooden gate in front of Linde and Toni’s home, honking the horn as Toni had instructed her to do. A couple of minutes later, the gate opened allowing her to pull in and park next to Toni’s car, only for Toni to leave the gate open before rushing up to her when Soya got out of the car.

“Oh! It’s so good to see you And holy shit! Soya, your hair is short!”

“I know.” Soya laughed locking her car before pocketing the keys and phone in the pocket of her coat before hugging Toni tightly. “It’s so good to see you.”

“Good to see you too, it’s nice to know you’re alive.” Toni laughed as they walked into the house, Soya handing Toni her coat when Toni gestured for it, and going into the living room where she saw the guys. She greeted Gas and Mige with hugs and kiss to their cheeks, both of them assuring her that Burton would be by later as he also wanted to see her and update her on the piano lessons he was still giving her little sister.

Toni pulled her away from the boys and led her to the kitchen where Natali and Vedrana were talking, only for both of them to stop and turn, smiling when they saw Soya.

“Great to have you back.” Vedrana said, handing Soya a glass of wine.

“It’s good to be back.” Soya admitted, putting the glass down, not sure if she wanted to drink or not, wine was off putting ever since the night she and Josef had downed nearly three bottles.

“How was New York?” Natali asked.

“Lonely.” Soya admitted with a shrug. “Eventful, but I’m glad to be back home. I missed it way too much.”

“I bet.” Toni grinned causing Soya to raise an eyebrow, turning towards the kitchen door when she heard the front door open and close.

“I think Linde’s back.” Soya said, “I’m going to go say ‘hi’ to him real quick.”

“No, no, he’ll make his way back here,” Toni said with a wave of her hand. “We get you first before you get sucked into the boy conversation.”

Soya laughed but nodded. “All right, I’ll stay.”

They talked for a good fifteen minutes in the kitchen as they made the finishing touches on dinner, the girls sipping on their wine, while Soya left hers on the counter. Once dinner was finished everyone started out of the kitchen, Soya staying behind.

“You coming?” Toni asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, I’m just going to wash my hands first.” Soya said, turning on the water, seeing Toni nod as she left with the other two. She grabbed a paper towel off the counter and started walking to the door drying her hands, only for the kitchen door to swing open, bumping into her as she tried to get out. She stumbled back, righting herself before she fell and pushed her bangs out of her eyes as she looked up at the person, only for them to widen as she took him in.

“Hi.” She whispered

He blinked and stared at her in disbelief. “Hi.”