No Strings Attached, Please?

“Savannah?” Mom’s voice came from outside my door. She opened it and was standing in my doorway but I ignored her but that’s only to make her walk into my room. “Are you alright, baby?” she said as she sat on the edge of my bed.

I was sinking in my bed, hiding under my zebra blanket and then I felt Mom stroked my head.

“What’s wrong, hon? Something happened with Nat?” she asked. And when Nat’s name came out through her teeth all I could feel was a chill all over my body. I shut my eyes tightly and didn’t answer her.

I still couldn’t believe that Nat actually liked me. Yes go on, judge me and tell me that I’m an idiot, but people just didn’t get what I felt right now. How am I supposed to do? I.. I liked Nat really much but I didn’t expect he would like me back. It’s about Lynn, I knew Nat liked Lynn really much from the beginning, he was her devoted stalker, for crying out loud! He’d been chasing the girl since she began to grow her boobs.

How am I supposed to think? I knew there’s honesty in his eyes when he confessed it, but what if.. what if he’s just confused? What if he mixed up the feeling between me and Lynn. I knew his feeling toward Lynn and me was opposite different. It’s not love, what if it’s just some sexual desire?

On the other hand even though I really like him, I was still scared to fall in love again, to share my heart with another guy besides Dante. I didn’t want to fuck up my love life anymore.

“Did Nat hurt you?” Mom’s voice was tense, she thought that Nat hurt me. I quickly shook my head and slowly faced my Mom.

“I just.. can’t do this anymore, Mom…”

“What?”

“I can’t face him anymore… I don’t want to see him again… it really hurts to see his face…”

“Shit, he did hurt you, didn’t he?!! That fucked up kid, I’m gonna—“

“No, Mom.. he didn’t do anything.. he.. he’s just…” I slowly got up and sat on my bed as my arms supported my body. “He said he liked me really much… and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I think…”

Mom’s mouth was wide open but it quickly formed into a shy smile. “Isn’t it good then? I mean, you guys could get back again… I quite like the boy, he took care of you really well and he’s a nice and polite boy…”

“You don’t understand, Mom. It’s complicated; I can’t be with him…”

“Why? It’s not like you guys never got together before. If you still want him, you guys can start it over.. you know..” Mom let out her maternal smile and stroked my bangs out from my face. “My baby girl is all grown up…”

I sighed; it’s useless to make her understand without telling her the truth.

“I never dated him, Mom, we never date. It’s all just for a show so Nat could get a girl he’s obsessed with since 8th grade. He’s a love-nerd, I only showed him the way to be the right gentleman, I only trained him so he could be a decent boyfriend for his bitch-queen girl in her sluttiness empire. I trained him to be a good kisser and uhh.. somebody that has to be good in.. uhh bed” abruptly, I faced down. It’s damn embarrassing to talk about sexual stuff with parents.

Mom’s eyebrows knitted together as she slowly digested what I just told her.

“You mean, he’s only using you after this whole time??! Savannah! Why would you let him do something like that to you!!?” Mom looked really furious and glared at me widely, If looks could kill, I’d be dead now. “I can’t believe that you would do these things in your life. I thought you liked him! I thought you guys were dating and serious at that and now you’re telling me that you two only put it for a show? What’s wrong with you?”

“Mom, it’s not his fault, I offered to help. I, umm planned to use him for.. uhh.. my rebound from Dante but things just got out of hand” I didn’t want Mom to hate Nat. It’s not really his fault, well probably, it’s both our faults.

“Baby, it only needs a girl to be used by some boy, it’s never you who used him, it’s him! I can’t believe that that adorable face of him could do horrible things to my daughter! You don’t even like him; it’s not your willing! It’s rape!”

I didn’t realize that I had stopped crying for the last fifteen minutes, because now I was facing my drama queen mother. She’s a neurotic when it comes to my life, but she’s too overdramatic. I could have laughed at her response. Oh, please Mom.

“Mom, I was willing to kiss him, having a hot session of tongue lock, enjoying the sensation of every inch of his skin, and even having himself inside of me, because what? Yes I like him, I like him really much, no, maybe it’s close to love. I don’t mind if he uses me again, because I’m head over heels over Nat McGregor! And don’t worry about pregnancy because I’m having my birth control on track, Mother” I blabbered out and then could feel panting my breath out.

Mom’s eyes were the size of the moon, it looked like she was about to burst out everything from her mouth but then she calmed down. She was a bit shocked to hear my rant and that’s when I felt her palm on mine.

“I’m sorry, it’s just too much to take, I’m..” she paused “Actually, it’s a bit hard to accept that you.. you’ve been sleeping with some guy out there, I thought uhh you’re still my baby girl, I just don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want you to live in my shoes when I was on your age… and well just forget it, I know you’re a grown up now, I hope you know what road you’re taking for your life”

“Moooomm, you make it sound like I’m choosing a path to be a hooker because of what I’ve been doing” I groaned. “It only happened with Nat on this past three months” I facepalmed and couldn’t help but giggle. This was supposed to be my moment of weakness, but Mom amused me.

I giggled and she joined the giggle as we even had no idea what we’re giggling for.

“Okay, but then what’s the problem with Nat now? Isn’t it a good thing if he likes you back? He even wants you to be his girlfriend…”

I sighed as I rested my head on the headboard. “I don’t want him to, I’ve been seeing a lot of things he’s done for Lynn—the bitchqueen, he loves her really much, Mom. I just… I just think when he confessed that he likes me, it’s just some mixed up feelings because we slept together and meanwhile I’m still scared and not ready to take another serious relationship with some guy, even if it’s Nat. I’m scared to be hurt and scared to break the commitment between us, like I did when I was with Dante…” I inhaled and exhaled in rhythm as I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them.

“I see the way he looks at you, hon. He’s honest with his feeling, he likes you and maybe with Lynn, he’s been blinded with stupid obsession. He cares about you and I know you actually want him to be yours but it’s you, honey. You’re scared to take risks. What’s the point of falling in love if you’re too scared to be hurt? Hurt is the long cousin of Love, there’s always a bumpy road in a relationship, it’s just how you two solve it with maturity”

I lifted up my head and my eyes found Mom’s. I smiled, she’s right about everything.

“Aww Mom, never had in my life you could say that such speech. I never see it coming from the Jedi of heartbreak”

I laughed my head off, followed by playful slap from my Mom. She complained about what I referred to as her love-nomadic life until she found Mike.

“But thank you, Mom. I appreciate that, you’re right… maybe I should give it a chance…”

“Even though I hate Nat because he used my baby girl, but I also love to see you’re bonded together” Mom smiled from ear to ear and then enveloped me with a tight hug as I hugged her back. Wow, Mom’s actually pretty cool with love problem, isn’t she?

Things weren’t back to normal and it’s like a nuisance to me to get through the last days of school. The last days of school were a total drag. It’s the time when I got to see my final result of the graduation exam plus, too many chat about Prom everywhere. It seems like everyone had their own plan to go to Prom.

For me, Prom wasn’t really special. I mean, it’s just a waste of time. Buying some expensive dress to impress people, hiring limos, dancing until you break your legs, lots of kissing and sexual tension in the bathroom and the announcement of Prom King and Prom Queen? I never thought Prom was fun, it’s a total lame.

But, I was dragged to go to Prom since Cam insisted. Geez, why in the hell haven’t I dumped him, someone please remind me. Well it happened because Nat and I didn’t work.

How?

Hmm… I convinced myself to give it a chance to Nat, but Nat was changing. He wasn’t himself after our last meeting. I tried to talk with him, but he avoided me like I was the plague. I determined myself to work it out with Nat if Nat broke up with Lynn, but… he never broke up with Lynn, they’re becoming clingier instead. Nat somehow ignored my presence and ignored the fact that we had something. That’s when I stopped to get my hopes up high; he didn’t mean any of his words when he said he liked me.

Of course, it’s just some random blab coming from a horny sex-needed teenager like Nat. I stopped trying and kept my distance from him. Why should I keep chasing him, if he didn’t want me again? It’s fucking useless.

“Nice, you got an A in Chem, Sav..” a voice surprised me from the back when I was staring at the final result of the tests. I turned my head to find Carlton was standing behind me. There was a slight shock moment when I turned over, because I thought it was Nat and I was expecting to run a mile for that.

Kale and Carlton knew something was up between me and Nat, but I knew Carlton already knew everything since he lived under the same roof with Nat.

“Uhhh yes, thanks, Carl” I replied but it sounded uncomfortable. If it wasn’t because of Nat, I was sure I wouldn’t get an A. “You got an A too, yeah? Wait no, you got straight A’s” I offered a weak smile and Carlton did this shy smile that resemble his twin brother’s.

“So, have you decided where to go?” Carlton asked as we walked to the front yard. I turned to him and sighed longingly.

“Mom, Mike and I are going to move out to Paris. I have applied my ACT test to Sorbonne, seems like they want to reconsider me to go there”

“No shit! Why Paris? So I won’t see you again? Sav, that sucks” Carlton pouted and shook his handsome head at me that made me smile.

I chuckled lightly, “Yeah I know, but Dad wanted the three of us to live at his house in Paris. Since I’ve always wanted to go to Sorbonne, I guess it’s a great opportunity” Dad inherited half of his properties to Mom and I, I was kind of shocked when I know Dad even mentioned Mike there to take care of Mom. He already knew that his time was near, and he wanted Mom to be happy. “But don’t worry, I will always pay a visit to here on Christmas and Thanksgiving or maybe New Year, Fourth of July or any holiday. Grandma won’t be happy if she knew that Mom and I won’t celebrate the holidays with her”

The final exam was like hell, because I had to manage it with the exam and my Dad’s funeral. It was really heartbreaking to know he finally passed away. On my way home, Mom called me to go straight to the hospital because something happened, yet she didn’t tell me that Dad already passed away.

I could say that day was my bad day, I didn’t know how the hell could I go through it with my last strength. It was a moment of weakness, the worst day that ever happened. The time when I reached the hospital, I found Mom was crying her head off in Mike’s chest. She had the worst smudged look on her face and she couldn’t stop crying, and when I approached her, she quickly ran to me and hugged me, telling that Dad’s already gone and nothing could save him anymore.

I was too stunned to even digest what Mom was saying, but when I realized what actually was happened, I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even cry. I just pulled away from my Mom and quickly ran to Dad’s room where I saw his lifeless body. He was lying there and the nurse was hovering a blanket up to his face while the doctor told the nurse Dad’s time of death.

I couldn’t believe that Dad left without saying goodbye, I was hoping he would open his eyes for the last time and was able to say goodbye to me, at least! I even hadn’t told him how much I love him and miss him. Still, the tears in my eyes wouldn’t come out.

It was really hard for me to keep up in the finals, with Dad’s funeral and all. I could barely concentrate with the material and all I did was picturing him buried six feet under. How would it feel like to be under there? Did he like it? Was he happy? Was he watching me now in spirit form?

Two days after Dad’s funeral which was my first day of exam, I finally gave out my lungs, I cried bloody murder, I didn’t let my eyes rest because I cried all over, all over again. Mom was always there to soothe me, to muffle my sadness but in the end she joined me.

“Do you love him?” was all I could manage between my hoarse voices when we were hugging each other. We were melted in our sadness on my bed, I could see so many emotion forming on Mom’s face.

“Yes dear,.. Yes.. I love him” Mom finally said “I always love him, even though he abandoned us, not a single moment I let myself to hate him, even when I’m with Mike, I always think about him… I never stopped loving him and I still love him…I.. I even haven’t told him how much I love him when he’s still here…” Mom ranted out. I smiled briefly and then hugged her tightly. I always knew she always loved Dad between her lies, she said she hated Dad to the pit. I knew Dad also knew that Mom still loved him no matter what. Too bad, we couldn’t reunite again and start over. I’ve always wanted to have Dad and Mom to be together. How happy would it be?

But God had another plan; he decided to take Dad away. Maybe it’s for the best, the best for Dad, Mom and I. Mom and I had to move on with our broken heart because we knew that it was fate. It should be happening this way.

“Fine, but it still sucks to know that you won’t join me… I was hoping you would come” Carlton popped my trance as he kicked the empty air in front of him as he chucked down his hands inside the pockets.

I frowned, “What? Join you to do what?”

“Bigbang Aftermath is on the Warped Tour list and after that, our fellow The Hefty Sound asked us to join their headlining world tour with some huge bands. It would be fun if you could join us…”

Abruptly I gasped. No way! They’re going on world tour? I didn’t know they could get such big opportunities.

“FUCKING HELL, CARL! You’re on tour?!! That’s fucking awesome!”

Carlton’s cheeks went red as he rubbed his nape. “Thanks. Well, Sid said that The Cursed Vultures likes our music and he said that they want us to be on the list as well” he grinned and there was a glint of passion on his eyes. The Cursed Vultures was a huge band! I couldn’t believe that they would contact BigBang Aftermath!

“That’s beyond awesome, Carlton! Seriously! Good luck with that! I’m so fucking proud of you!!” I suddenly enveloped Carlton with tight hug. “Eh, wait… what about University? You said you want to go to University?”

“Yeah I did, I thought it’s much better if I take the online University. I mean, I won’t be able to go to Uni while I’m on tour, right?

“But, that’s… Carlton, you can’t just waste your straight A’s to some online University, you could have been in Harvard or Yale!”

I pulled away as Carlton shrugged his shoulders off, “I know, but I really love music, I just think the education could come second… Mom and Dad didn’t seem to argue about it. They support me and Nat”

At the mention of Nat’s name it already gave me thrill on my body. Nat, what’s on his head now? What did he plan after highschool? Wait, yes he’s going on tour with his band, but it’s such a shame if he also didn’t go to University. He’s as brilliant as Carlton.

Carlton and I shared everything, he planned to go to Paris if his band could make it there and he wanted to hang out with me. He said he’s gonna send postcards, from numerous countries he would visit, to me and he said we could talk via Skype. Even we hadn’t graduated I already missed Carlton and Kale if they would leave the States.

“So, how’s thing going with you and Nat now?” Carlton asked

Sensitive topic, are we?

I could only offer a weak smile to him, “Nothing, just nothing”

Carlton sensed my tension and he leaned in to me, “You guys are in strangers term back again… it’s killing me to see it, when I like it more if you’re with him instead of that whore”

“Can we not talk about this? I’m sick of thinking about him. Maybe it should have happened this way, I don’t care…”

Carlton silenced as he let out a deep sigh, “Right, sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up”

“Great, so anyway, who’s the lucky girl you’re taking to Prom?” I said as me and Carlton walked out from the school building to the green yard.

Carlton scratched his head and let out a nervous chuckle, “Actually, I’m not really interested with Prom, but there’s this girl who asked me”

“Of course, being Carlton McGregor is not to ask, but being asked…” I said in playful sarcasm as Carlton slapped my forearm lightly with a shy smile.

“You know Farrah Siswotedjo? Some South-East Asian chick with right brain that the size of Liberty Statue? She asked me in our Art class”

“You mean that Farrah who got scholarship at the New York Academy of Art and a 2 year internship in Pixar? Well, sure I love her natural tan and she’s cute too, didn’t think some silent art-geek would take you out to prom”

“Umm, yeah… I think she’s pretty cute too, she’s nice and has a nice smile. I guess I want to see how it goes at Prom.”

“Finally! I could see the sun where it shines in the heterosexism world of Carlton McGregor!”

“Damn, you make me sound like I’m a gay”

“Well, you are, you said you’re attracted to boys” I laughed as he glared to me.

“I said I was bi, not gay. Well probably straight from now on” he shrugged and it was beyond cute to find Carlton blushed. Aww the bi boy turned straight because of a hot art-geek. “Whatever, Sav, you’re annoying” he said sticking out his tongue at me but I slapped him playfully on his chest.

Even I hated Prom, but I can’t wait to see Carlton going with Farrah to the dance.

As we laughed and walked, we turned into a path where I could see Lynn in a hot session of lip-lock with Nat. Suddenly from out of nowhere there’s this electrical sensation that hurt the pit of my stomach.

I forgot about that thing. Although, I could see Carlton and Farrah together at Prom, I would also see that lovey dovey couple at the dance which was shattering my heart. No, Savannah is a tough girl, I’m a tough big girl. Likewise, I got Cam to go, he would distract me from Nat.