When I Go, Bring Me Back Again

Gerard’s POV

The ride had been quiet, for me at least-which I grateful for. My mind was no doubt strewn everywhere, things that I had never thought possible were turning out to be just the opposite. It didn’t help with that letter, I was almost certain that it was just some cruel joke. It just had to be, there was no way anyone was capable of that. I had quickly grown so consumed in my thoughts, that I didn’t realize that Mikey had been trying to get my attention until he grabbed my shoulder causing me to jump in my spot and hit the breaks.
“What?”
“You uh...passed up Frank’s house.” he stated pointing to the back seat, I looked over my shoulder at Frank who sat in the middle seat with an amused look on his face.
“Shit,” I put it in reverse but Frank spoke up.
“You don’t have to, if I can use your phone I’ll just call her. I can wait till later to talk to her.” he shrugged. To be honest, I was kind of hoping that he wanted to stop off at his home first. I would be lying if I said my brain was the most stable thing in the world. There was something about how he was acting all of a sudden that put me on edge. Like he knew what was going on in my head, and it scared me in a way. Because as much as he wanted me to trust him, I couldn’t entirely and I think he knew that, but he was still trying. I mean I know people can change, but this drastically in one night? Three days ago he stole my French binder when I was on my way from the class, and when I got it back it was littered in the words faggot and poorly drawn dicks. Then the next day he’s telling me that he wants to fix everything. Did someone by chance put a gun to his head? Was his life on the line, I would be more than willing to switch him if he wanted. It’s not like I’m some major person to anyone, well besides Mikey. But I’ve been so closed off from him, I’m a stranger, and I know that because he told me one night when he tried talking to me. Of course I just sat there, like a pathetic waste of space that I am and just stared at him.

I pulled into the drive and killed the engine, just staring at the steering wheel for the longest time. I had heard one door open and close, but it wasn’t the one I had wanted it to be. I sat there, praying for the longest time that he would just get out of the car, but he didn’t. Instead I felt his warm hand on my shoulder and his face came into view in the rear view mirror.
“Are you ok Gerard?” no, I wanted to say. All of this wasn’t good for my sanity, I was more confused than ever. If only he could just snap back to his uncharitable self, then maybe I wouldn’t be as messed up as I was at the moment.
“I’m fine.” I replied shrugging it off.
“You’re a horrible liar, you do realize that right?” he climbed between the two seats and plopped down in the passenger seat.
“Look, I’m just confused ok? And I don’t know what the hell is going on, because you might I remind you, hate me.” he sighed, his head hitting the window seeing as he was sitting sideways.
“Correction, firstly, I never hated you. More like I got the highest enjoyment from treating you like shit. Secondly, that was in the past, today is the present and as I’ve told you before, I’m different.” he shrugged it off as nothing and stared at me.
“People don’t change like you’ve changed Frank. It’s not normal.” he rolled his eyes pushing himself up.
“And you know what’s normal? Please, if you do, could you give me some pointers on it because the shit I’ve gone through and where I am now, is not normal.”
“That makes absolutely no sense, what the hell have you gone through that isn’t normal? Nothing!” I yelled.
“I guess I was wrong about you, you know... I was always jealous of that.” wonderful, I’m overloaded already on confusing things and he’s just adding more and more to it.
“What the hell do you have to be jealous about?”
“You Gerard, I’m jealous of that talent of yours, well what I thought used to be talent. How you would take anything, just absorb it. No matter what I did to you, you wouldn’t fight back. And I was jealous of it, in all honesty that’s why I only made shit worse for you. I always wanted you to crack, but you never did. So why are you cracking now? You don’t yell, you don’t fight back. It’s not in you to fight for anything, it’s not in you to try and keep your head above the water. No! You just fucking let the current take you under like a worthless piece of shit!” he yelled, his face going a bit red as he spoke with his hands.
“What the hell are you talking about? Frank, by chance are you fucking bipolar? One moment your happy as fucking hell, then the next you’re yelling at me for some of the dumbest things! And you can’t even stay one fucking subject. What the hell do you mean I don’t fight for anything? You don’t know me!” I yelled, noticing he had calmed just down a little bit and was sitting silently. He shook his head grabbing his bag.
“Just forget it, come on. I need help with this and we won’t get anywhere if we’re at each other’s throats.” he unlocked the door but I hit the button on the door causing it to lock again.
“No, I want to know what the hell you’re talking about. You make absolutely no sense Frank.”
“We have nothing to talk about, I don’t have anything else to say. I’m sorry for blowing up on you ok? Can we just go?” he wouldn’t look at me now.
“No.” I replied curtly. He sighed heavily and fell back into the seat staring out the window.
“I’m waiting, Frank.” but he didn’t say anything, so I sat there staring at the house. Mikey had walked up to the front door with a confused look on his face. I simply shrugged and he nodded walking away.
“Why do you bottle everything up inside Gerard?” I couldn’t bring myself to answer him.
“If you want me to talk, you better talk back.” his tone was threatening.
“Because I don’t like talking to people about problems. Why would you care anyway’s?”
“I heard that most teenage depressed gays commit suicide. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s still a fact that I read once.” I looked over at him, to see that he was watching me with a stare that really worried me. His eyes weren’t cold, they weren’t taunting, they were full of worry, worry that was directed towards me.
“Have you ever thought about killing yourself Gerard?” what a way to be blunt.
“N-no,” he shook his head looking away.
“You’re lying, I’m not stupid Gerard. If it wasn’t written across your shirt in bright colors, it’s sure as hell not hard to figure out. I mean... why wouldn’t you think about it? Right? You seclude yourself from anyone and everyone in school, your own brother doesn’t even know who you are anymore. People pick on you, rip apart your insides to the point that you don’t even try to care. Not to mention that some of those drawings of yours.... you can tell me you don’t Gerard, but I know the truth. I’ll always know the truth. I know you better than you think, you can’t hide from me.” he unlocked the door again and I didn’t bother trying to lock it back up. The door shut quietly and he jogged up to the door and disappeared much like Mikey did.

Frank’s POV

“Mrs. Way, do you mind if I use your phone real quick so I can call my Mom?”
“Go right on ahead dear,” she called from the kitchen. I dropped my bag on the floor and dialed the number, waiting for her to pick up as Gerard walked inside and headed down to his room in the basement.
“Hello?”
“Hey Mom, um I’m at the Way’s house I just wanted you to know. So make sure you lock it up when you go to work ok?” I wound the chord between my two fingers looking at the pictures on the wall.
“Oh ok, well don’t stay over too late. I don’t want you to over stay your welcome. Be good and I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.”
“Mkay I won’t, Gerard is just helping me with some school stuff. I love you too and be careful.”
“All right sweets, bye.” the click of the phone was followed and I hung up. I grabbed my bag and ventured down the stairs wondering if things were going to be awkward. I ended up at his door and knocked softly waiting for a reply.
“You can come in you know.” was his muffled response, I turned the door handle and pushed it open.

His room was dark, like Mikey always talked about. His bed unmade, much like mine, although I didn’t have a pink pillow and Star War’s sheets. He had some posters up on his walls, along with numerous drawings all by him of course. The floor was pretty much clean, except for a few littered shirts and crunched up papers. He was sitting at his desk, hunched over with his hand going to town over the paper.
“Are we going to work down here?”
“If you want too, I don’t really care.” I nodded, realizing he couldn’t see it and sat down on his bed.
“I’m sorry about the car, I shouldn’t have gotten so personal. It wasn’t my place to do that.” he picked up his head, my guess looking over what he had been working on and then shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter Frank. Come on, what do you need help with?” he turned in his chair and walked over sitting down next to me.
“I don’t know really.” I frowned opening my bag and pulled out my math book.
“Well, what unit are you on?” I shrugged.
“How can you not know what unit you’re on?” he sighed taking the book from my hands.
“I’ve pretty much given up on it, so I just sleep. I haven’t been awake in that class for a good three weeks.” he looked at me with that incredulous expression again.
“Don’t look at me like that, God it’s like you’re my Mother.” I took the book back and started flipping through it. I stopped on the last thing I remembered and handed it to him.
“Matrices? Really? They aren’t that hard Frank.” I rolled my eyes and listened to him explain it. Which by the way he spent a good half hour on just helping me multiply them, like I said I’ve given up.

We must have spent two hours on it, and I was barely getting anywhere and I knew that I had a lot more to learn. I knew how to add, subtract and multiply them, but dividing? Hah, I think I was going to cry. But it was starting to get late and I knew I had to head home. I was putting my things away and Gerard watched me intently.
“When is your next test?” I thought about it for a moment.
“Next Tuesday I think?” he nodded getting up.
“Just come over again and I’ll help. You obviously do need it, and possibly a miracle.” he added.
“Oh thanks, just what I needed to hear. If you can’t help me then I’m completely fucked you know?” he shrugged.
“Well don’t fall asleep in class anymore, how’s that? Besides, you’ll get it, trust me.” I couldn’t help but smile and launch myself at him, catching him in a surprise hug. He was startled, but he wrapped his arms around me and hugged back before pulling away.
“Thank you,” I stated as his door opened and Mikey popped his head in.
“Good you’re still here. Can I talk to you real quick? I have a question on the assignment that Mr. Richard’s gave today.” I nodded pulling my bag on my shoulder and waved goodbye to Gerard as I walked out of his room. I followed Mikey upstairs and down the hall towards his room.
“So what is it?”
“Oh, the uh story we’re reading in class, we have to read the next two chapters and write a summary about the key points. It’s nothing big.” he nodded.
“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I went to walk out of his room but he grabbed my arm. I turned to look at him, and noticed he looked serious.
“What?”
“What are you doing Frank?”
“Huh? Mikey what are you talking about? I’m trying to go home.” he shook his head.
“What are you doing with Gerard?”
“He’s tutoring me. Is that ok with you? I didn’t know you would react negatively to it. I’m sorry Mikes.” he shook his head again.
“No Frank, I saw the letter.”
“Oh,” I replied quietly. Yeah of course he would know what my cursive writing looked like.
“Yeah, oh. So do you mind telling me why the hell you anonymously wrote telling my brother that you love him?”