Have We Gone Too Far?

I can’t believe I let him run away from me again, even after he told me that he wants me.Why do I keep hurting him so much? He must think I’m some sort of monster. I let him runaway in tears. What will his parents say? Oh God, what if he tells them about me? I’ll lose everything. I’ve worked my whole life for this job and I’m not going to risk all those years of hard work for something like this; no matter how much I want to. But, if I did get with him again, what sort of person would I be? A paedophile? A registered sex offender? I couldn’t live with that kind of label on me. I’m not that kind of guy.

I shouted after him as he ran, but he either didn’t hear me or was ignoring me, either way I can’t really blame him. This is my fault; not his. Why should he have to suffer because of me?

“Zack!” I yelled.

Maybe he just can’t hear me; he’s not that good at ignoring people so he would have at least slowed down if he could hear me shouting. Unless he meant what he said earlier. He hates me!

I started the engine on my car and started driving towards the address he gave me.

“Cropwell Drive,” I said over and over again to make sure I didn’t forget.

He needs an apology and I need to explain all of this to him. I’ve got to make him understand. I really like him, but being with him will make me someone I despise. He’ll be able to forgive me for that, won’t he? Who am I kidding? I'm being so selfish, and like he said I have no idea how hard this is for him if I go and see him, I might just make things worse.

What am I meant to do? If I go and see him I might be hurting him as well as myself. If I don’t I’ll still be hurting him. Why are things so complicated?

I took a deep breath to try and steady my thoughts. What would Mr. Sanders do?

I know I am Mr. Sanders, but to me he’s my alter ego as well. He always knows what to do and he can cope with extra pressures, unlike Cole.

What will Zacky be doing now? He’s just been turned down. How would he react? Think Cole think! Crap! He’ll hit the bottle. Mr. Baker said he caught him drinking so he’s bound to try and drink his problems away. What have I done?

Okay, okay. When the drink fails, what’ll he do next? Does he smoke? Think!

“Yellow nails,” I sighed remembering his hands when he was fidgeting with them earlier.

He wouldn’t do anything else would he? Come on, think, use that head of yours.

I pressed my foot firmly against the accelerator, remembering the night I met him. When I first saw him without his clothes on I instantly noticed he was covered in cuts and bruises. Was he self harming? I don’t know, but if he was I need to find his house before he does something really really stupid.

As I pulled into Cropwell Drive I started panicking. I don’t know which number it is. Think!

I parked my car on the curb and jumped out and started knocking on random houses.

“Excuse me, does Zack Mondale live here?”

“No, I'm sorry.”

“Do you know which house it is?”

“Number 23, it’s the one on the right towards the bottom of the hill.”

“Thank you so much,” I said gratefully but still in a panicked state.

I ran down their driveway and then raced down towards the address they gave me. If I don’t reach him in time I have no idea what I’ll do. If he’s dead! I found myself biting down hard on my lip and the simple thought of that. Not because it’ll be my fault but because I haven’t given him a chance and I really want to.

There was a car on the drive, which meant he wasn't alone anymore. I knew he was less likely to do something drastic while his parents are in. No one would want their parents being there when they finished themselves. It would hurt them way too much.

I reached out and knocked on the door, shaking all over in case I was too late.

“Hello,” the man at the door said, I assumed it was his dad.

“Hi, I’m from Zack’s school and I wanted to make sure he got home safe,” I said nervously.

The man gave me an odd look that made me want to step back a little but I was just about able to remain standing my ground for him.

“He’s safe,” he man muttered sharply. “Why wouldn’t he be? What’s he been telling you?” his dad asked, seeming fairly panicked.

“He hasn’t been saying anything, it’s nothing like that. He was just feeling ill earlier and he came back on his own so I wanted to check on him.”

“Well, he’s fine, upstairs in bed actually.”

“Okay then,” I responded feeling a little tension in the air. “Thank you,” I muttered as he shut the door and I walked down the driveway.

That was a little odd. His dad seemed really paranoid. Something might have happened between him and Zack. Or maybe Zack’s told him about me. He wouldn’t, would he?

As I walked back to my car all I could think about was what would happen if anyone found out I had sex with someone under the legal age. Even worse if they found out he was one of my students. I’d be ruined.

***

I walked into my apartment; it was a complete mess, which meant my brother had probably been kicked out of his girlfriend’s again and had invited himself to stay at mine. I would say no but he’s my brother and it’s not like he has anyone else to turn to.

I tried picking up some of the rubbish he’d left on the floor but then I heard someone walk in and I practically jumped out of my skin.

“Alright little sis?” my brother said as he sat down on the couch with his feet up even though he still had his shoes on.

My brother at times can be a little homophobic but I don’t let it bother me, and he isn't as extreme as some of those people are. He likes addressing me as his little sister and things like that and he makes the odd joke, but I think he secretly has accepted me, even if he won’t admit it. My mum and dad didn’t agree with my sexuality at all though, so I haven’t seen them since I was roughly seventeen.

“Looks like you’ve been kicked out again,” I grinned at him.

“Ha! She was begging me to stay actually but I had to tell her we needed a break if we were ever going to last long term.”

“Sure you did,” I muttered loud enough for him to hear.

“Shut up Cole,” he hissed.

“Fine,” I said knowing that my brother has a violent side to him.

“How was school?” John chuckled at my face expression. I don’t know why, I wasn't pulling a face or anything. He’s just a bit odd.

“It was alright,” I mumbled.

“Where have you been?” he asked me.

“School.”

“I mean, where were you just now? Your car came in from the left but if you were at the school it would’ve come from the right.”

He’s a nosy little so and so, why can’t he keep his big nose out. I hate John when he does this, he’s such a pain.

“I was helping a pupil.”

He laughed at me and sat properly on the chair, locking eyes with me.

“Let me guess,” he whispered. “Male, fit and way too young for you; what were you thinking sis?”

“It’s not like that,” I muttered as I shuck my head and sat down next to him.

“Cole, you can’t just hook up with school kids, it’s not one of the legal perks of the job.”

“I said it’s not like that!” I shouted.

“But you care about him, right?”

“Drop dead John,” I whispered and walked out of the room.

I’m in trouble now; John won’t say anything but he’s not going to let me forget about this. He knows something’s up and I doubt I’ll be able to convince him otherwise. This is all I need. My brother thinking I’m some guy who’s only in teaching to perv on kids. What more could I ask for?

“Who is he?” John asked as he walked into my bedroom.

“There’s no one John,” I hissed.

“I'm not that thick! What year’s he in?”

“Eleven,” I whispered.

John grinned now that I’ve finally told him, I didn’t want him to know but he’s the only person I can talk to about it who won’t go running to the police.

“Have you...?”

“Yes,” I interrupted him. “We’ve had sex.”

“Butt sex,” John said then burst out laughing. “Sorry,” he apologized and then turned serious again.

“I didn’t know how old he was then and it was before I knew I’d be mentoring him and...” I said, panicking.

“Calm down, has he told anyone?”

“Maybe. His dad was acting really weird with me but that might just be me being paranoid.”

“You’ve met his parents!” John gasped.

“I went to his house earlier because I upset him and I thought he was going to do something stupid because of me,” I said as I started to cry a little.

“What did you say to him? I mean, come on, it couldn’t have been bad enough to make him want to kill himself.”

“He’s sensitive John, I just told him that we couldn’t be together because of the age difference and the fact that I'm his teacher and stuff like that,” I sighed. “He told me... it doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me!”

“He said he wanted me,” I whispered. “When I turned him down he ran off crying his eyes out.”

“Wimp,” John chuckled.

“Don't call him that!” I shouted as I punched him across his chest.

“Cole! Can you hear yourself? He only wants you for sex! He’s a kid and he’s just toying with your emotions. He’s only crying so you’ll give him sympathy sex.”

“Get out!” I shouted at him.

“It’s true. Whether you like it or not, you have to admit it makes sense!”

I ran my hands through my hair trying to think. Zack isn't like that, I know he isn't.

“John, please just get out,” I hissed.

“Fine, but next time you see him I want you to remember that,” he said and walked out.

I let out a deep breath. John knows. What am I meant to do now?