Have We Gone Too Far?

Today had passed really slowly and it was pretty easy to work out why. Cole. I couldn’t get him out of my head. Every little thing that happened made me think of him. From when I got bored in maths to when I was just mucking about with the guys; all I could think about was him. His wispy chestnut hair, the petit dimples that appear as he smiles, his soft wondering hands, the deep brown orbs of his eyes and the jet black loving pupils. He was perfect and I can’t help how I feel about him.

As I walked home from school I was just thinking about what we’re meant to do now. We kissed, but Mr. Baker knows now. Does it mean we can’t be with each other or just that we need to be more careful? Cole will probably try and explain the situation, well; at least I hope he will.

“Zack!”

A smile spread across my face when I saw Cole pulling over in his car at the side of the road. I just love the feeling I get when I see him; the emotions that run through my body.

“Hey Cole,” I grinned.

“Do you need a lift?” he asked me, sounding like he needed to talk.

“Sure.”

I walked over to the passenger side and hoped in. It was different than last time when I was in his car. I was upset then and I was scared because I had no idea what would happen. But this time I feel more comfortable and don’t really care about what he does or doesn’t do or say to me.

“How was your day?” he asked to start the conversation. I knew there was something more important than that that he wanted to talk with me about though.

“It was alright. I think you already know what my favorite part was,” I mumbled the last bit as I thought about the kiss. “Was your day alright?”

He went quiet for a moment and just stared at the road, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Pretty much,” he sighed unconvincingly.

“What happened?”

“Nothing that you need to worry about,” he whispered.

I nodded at him before I started wondering what happened after Mr. Baker told me to go back to lessons earlier today.

“What did Mr. Baker say to you? Did he say he’d keep it quiet?”

His body went very tense again and I knew I’d hit a soft spot.

“I know what I need to do to keep him quiet,” he sighed. “If that’s what you mean.”

“As long as he doesn’t tell anyone, everything will be fine. I know you’re scared in case someone finds out but if you can get him to keep it secret we’ll have nothing to worry about,” I said in attempted to calm him down.

“Should I do whatever he asks me to?” he asked seeming confused. “No matter what he wants, am I meant to just do it for him? As long as everything stays secret, is that what you want me to do?” he panicked.

“Well, yeah I guess. I suppose it’ll have to be reasonable, but Mr. Baker’s Mr. Baker, he won’t ask for anything stupid.”

“Would you do whatever he asked you to do?”

“Depends,” I mumbled. “I probably would but that’s just because I know how much it’ll hurt you if this gets out and I wouldn’t want you to lose your job or anything because of me.”

“Right,” he sniffed.

The car went quiet for a bit but I couldn’t stand the silence and had to break it.

“Cole,” I whispered. “What did he ask you to do?”

“Nothing,” he hissed at me.

“He obviously asked something!”

“It’s nothing that you need to know about.”

“Tell me! Please, this affects me just as much as it affects you,” I whispered lightly.

“You won’t want to know Zack, trust me, it’s best that you don’t know.”

“Fine,” I nodded. “But it’s hardly fair that I tell you everything and you keep everything hidden from me.”

“I'm not doing this on purpose Zack!”

“So! I told you things I’ve never told anyone else on that night when we met and I have to tell you things when we’re at school and you have access to all of my files, which means you basically know everything about me and I know nothing about you! Why won’t you tell me things about yourself?” I asked as I started tearing up.

Why doesn’t he talk about himself? Why does he lie? Why does he keep secrets from me? Maybe he just doesn’t trust me, that shows how great our relationship is.

“I... I have trust issues... I will tell you about my life at some point, but there are some things that are best kept secret.”

I knew all about that. It’s best that people don’t know I’m gay. It’s for the best that no one finds out about my parents hurting me. It’s better for me if no one hears about me getting raped by some guy a few months ago. And it’s definitely for the best that the things me and Cole have done together stay secret.

“Where do I stand with you Cole?” I asked shyly.

“I don’t know.”

“Are we just friends or...?”

“I think we should get to know each other better first and... take things slowly. We can’t risk anyone else finding out.”

“That’s fine by me,” I smiled.

As we approached my house I started wishing that we had more time to talk. We have so much more to say and I’ll have to get out soon.

“Do you want to meet me in that café we met at tomorrow morning? It’ll have to be quite early but we’ll be able to talk and I can make sure you eat,” he smiled.

“How early?”

“About seven maybe, then I’ll drop you off near school.”

“Sure, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I smiled as he lightly pecked me on the cheek to say goodbye.

Tomorrow’s my chance to get to know this guy and I'm not going to waste it. I want to know everything about him! We can’t hide secrets forever.

***

As soon as I was changed I was meant to be hanging around at Jay’s with him and Kyle, but Ky bailed because he was feeling really guilty about the whole Ellie situation, and so he should be to be honest. So it ended up just being me and Jay.

We waited until we were in his room to start talking about serious things in case his mum or dad wanted to know what was going on. The first topic in his mind was Kyle.

“Did you find out what was bothering Kyle?” he asked me.

“Not really, he said it was just one of those days but you only say that when you’re hiding something.”

“That’s weird.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s exactly what you told me the other day.”

Oh, yeah, crap. I completely forgot about that. Man I can be stupid at times and Jake has to catch onto everything slip up I make, which doesn’t help at all.

“Are you hiding something from me?” he asked looking really offended. Great!

“Of course not; you’re like my best mate.”

“You're lying aren’t you? What could be so bad that you won’t tell me?”

“Look it’s nothing.”

“I know about you seeing the student mentor.”

My heart raced. What did he mean by that? Seeing as in seeing, or seeing as in seeing. He doesn’t know about that. There’s no way he could’ve found out.

“If the school is making you see him then there must be something bothering you. Just tell me, I’ll understand.”

“I can’t Jay, it’s sort of personal.”

“But I'm your friend, I can keep a secret.”

I nodded at him but didn’t say anything. Sooner or later he’ll pull a strop and start fake crying to try and get me to tell him, but I won’t. I'm stronger than that.

“Jay, no offence but your mouth is almost as big as Kyle’s. There’s no chance I'm going to tell you.”

“But that’s so mean,” he said giving me puppy dog eyes.

Does he seriously think that’ll work on me? I thought I can act thick at times but this is really pushing it.

“Pretty please,” he begged. “Me promise to keep quiet,” he pleaded in a young innocent voice.

“Fine, I’ll tell you,” I laughed knowing I wasn't going to say anything serious. “Mr. Baker caught me drinking and they’re keeping an eye on me.”

“Isn't that what rehab’s for?”

“Pretty much,” I sighed.

He looked at me for a moment and automatically decided that I was lying to him. How does he do that?

“Just tell me the truth Zack,” he pleaded.

“I’ve already told you! I can’t.”

“The student mentor’s got something to do with this, hasn’t he?”

“No, why’d you even think that?”

“One, you’re reaction when I said I knew you were seeing him and two, he drove you home today.”

How the hell did he know that?

“I don’t know what you’re on about,” I hissed at him.

“I'm not stupid. Something’s going on, so just tell me!”

No, no, no! He can’t know, he mustn’t know. I must be imagining this. Come on Zack, it’s time to wake up now.

“You’re gay aren’t you? You two are together,” he whispered.

My heart was pounding away and I was shaking all over. How could he know that?

“No Jay. I'm not gay and... I'm not with him. Why do you even think that?”

“He kissed you!” Jay shouted at me.

“No he didn’t.”

“I bloody saw so don’t lie to my bloody face Zack!”

“How did you find out?” I sighed, giving in to him.

“I went to knock for you before to see if you wanted to come a little earlier and I saw you in his car I saw him kiss you and, teachers don’t that with all of their students, do they?”

“I'm sorry I didn’t tell you,” I whispered looking at the hurt expression on his face. “It’s hard to tell your mates something like that.”

“How long’s it been going on?”

“Nothing’s going on really. I met him before he came to the school and when he found out I was a kid, he hated me. But, today we were like we were before he knew that and we were comfortable with each other and it felt good to be with him and we-we kissed.”

“That’s sick.”

“Jake, please don’t be like that.”

“I'm not being homophobic! I don’t care that he’s a guy, it’s the fact that he’s your teacher that’s bothering me.”

“I'm sorry,” I mumbled, not able to think of anything better to say.

After a long pause Jake asked,

“Does anyone else know?”

“Mr. Baker caught us kissing,” I sighed.

“Big beard Baker!” he gasped, smiling though. “Sorry, I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I sort of get why you didn’t mention Mr. Sanders, but you could have at least said you were gay.”

“I was scared... I didn’t know how you’d react. If Kyle found out, he’d want me dead.”

“He’s not that bad.”

“Are you kidding me? He’s the most homophobic guy in the school. You can’t let him find out Jay, please. Don’t tell anyone about this.”

“I said before that you can trust me. My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you,” I said with tears in my eyes as I pulled him into a hug.

“I'm a little uncomfortable with this though mate,” he chuckled.

“Oh, right, yeah. I'm sorry.”

I let go of him making him laugh at me. It was a good feeling knowing that Jay had taken this so well. Maybe it won’t be that hard telling people after all.