Learning to Love June

“ June?” Becky asks like she’s surprised I called her.

“Yeah remember me I’m your best friend,” I say, trying to joke but when the line is silent I start to worry.

“Funny, I was just about to say the same thing,” she says on the other line and I can hear the sadness and anger.

“You’re mad.”

“Great observation.”

“I’m sorry Becky,” I say quietly, and I hear her breathing but she doesn’t say anything. So I continue. “I know I’m an awful friend. I know that I’ve been ignoring you and not calling and I know that it was wrong of me. I’m so sorry Becky, I shouldn’t have done that and I’m a shitty friend. The shittiest. But you’re still my best friend, don’t be mad, I need to talk to you,” I say and I know that I’m begging.

She doesn’t answer right away and I look around my room. At the light blue walls that are the same color as the Ocean even though I’ve never seen the Ocean, and the posters lining the walls, all the perfect faces smiling out at me without a care in the world. I look at my tattered and battered teddy bear lying next to me on the white comforter; I look at him and pray that Betty is going to answer me so I don’t have to resort to spilling all my secrets to him again.

“It’s okay I guess,” she finally says and I let myself breath again. I open my mouth to maybe scream or thank her, when she speaks again, “But, I think there needs to be some changes. I think that you need to start treating me better, and talking to me more. I hate that you always ignore me. And I hate that you always either want to talk about boys or your sister. You’re my best friend June, and I love you, but I want to feel like I’m your best friend too.”

The words float through the phone and I can feel them hitting me somewhere deep. Somewhere I didn’t know that my best friend was unhappy, or that all I ever talk about was boys or my sister. But then I guess when you think about it, all she’s saying is the truth.

“You are my best friend Becky. I couldn’t live without you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

I feel myself smile and know that even if Beck isn’t perfect, she’s still Becky. Even if she keeps her Mohawk forever she’s always just going to be Becky.

She’s always just going to be my best friend.

“Then wasn’t there something you wanted to tell me?” I ask her, wanting to honestly know now. “I mean, I’m hoping it’s not something too big and all, because I have some pretty big news too.”

“Really?” she asks, “Tell me yours first.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Okay,” I say taking a deep breath because I’m admitting it out loud. As soon as I say these words they’ll escape into the universe and be there forever, floating around in space. “I kissed Kellan. Or well, he kissed me, but it’s the same thing, right?”

There’s a pause on her end and I’m wondering if I said something wrong or the line got dropped.

“Yeah it’s the same thing,” She says in a soft voice.

I smile into the phone, “Is it weird that I kissed Kellan Foster?”

“You have no idea,” she says and I feel something inside me turning, an idea I toss around but decide to throw out because it makes no sense.

“What?” I ask, pretending that I heard her wrong.

“Nothing, that’s great June.”

“Thanks Beccers,” I say, digging out her old nickname from where my Elementary School memories are buried.

“Anytime.”

“So what did you want to tell me?” I ask, twirling a piece of my hair around my finger and I can’t help but wish it looked more like Jessica’s, maybe then Kellan would have really meant that kiss.

“It’s,” she starts but trails off, her voice floating away from me. “It’s really nothing I guess. Just some stupid drama with some stupid girl,” she says and I feel my eyebrows crinkle in concern.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell me?”

“I’m very sure,” she says in a firm but sad voice that makes me feel like a shitty best friend again.

“Okay, but you can tell me anything Becky,” I say, trying to be who she wants me to be but struggling with being myself.

“I know, but there’s nothing to tell you, so forget about it,” she says.

And for awhile, I do.

&&

The most awkward thing about kissing someone is the next time you see them. I’m standing in the school commons trying to be a good best friend, but my eyes are drifting to Kellan who is still scribbling something down. He reminds me of my mom like that, but in other ways he reminds me of things like fireworks and whispers and hands and touching. I look at his bag slung across his shoulders and want to run my hands over his shoulders. I feel like my hands are just itching to have some sort of contact with him again.

“Are you still staring at him?” Becky’s voice rings over my brain.

“No,” I lie, looking down at the ground and blushing furiously.

“You really like him?” She says but it sounds more like a question.

I shrug, “I don’t even know if he likes me back.”

“What’s not to like?” Becky says with a grin, and this time it leaps to her eyes and I can tell it’s real.

“Well,” I say trailing off but Becky smacks my arm so I don’t continue.

“Don’t even try to compare yourself to Jessica, you two are completely different,” she says like a good best friend should.

“That’s what you’re supposed to say, you’re my best friend.”

“No that’s what I mean, June.”

“Well how do you know if we’re different or not?”

She turns red, “ I ‘dunno, I just do.”

I shrug and roll my eyes, letting them drift over to Kellan again who is looking up a bit and you can just see the slightest sliver of his golden eyes and I feel my knees go weak.

“I think he’s looking at you,” Becky hisses to me and I feel my body lift up from the ground and float away from me.

“How do you know?” I whisper back hurriedly.

“I just do.”

I roll my eyes again and try not to believe it but next time I look at Kellan he’s turned away and walking down the hall and I know that he wasn’t really looking at me.

And that I did get my hopes up.