Learning to Love June

Jessica is waiting right inside the door for me when my mom finally convinces me to come in with the promise of food. Her face is tight and her nose is pinched like she’s just eaten something nasty or she’s about to say something that is hard for her to say.

I brush past her even though I obviously saw her there, I know that she’s going to apologize and she’s gonna want me to believe it. But I look at her and all I can see are her lips kissing Kellan’s lips. My Kellan’s lips.

When I get to the kitchen I look at the living room and have a sudden desire to burn everything in that room, to burn the memory ebbing at my brain so there’s nothing left to think about but that. But when look out into the living room I can already tell something is out of place, because the lamp we always had by our couch is shattered in a million pieces on the floor and I feel my blood rate pick up, because Dad gave us that lamp, the only thing of his that decided to stick around.

My mom is bustling around the kitchen and I know that Jessica is moments away from making some sort of dramatic entrance. So to save myself from further anger I slip out of the kitchen and up the stairs, hoping that she won’t bother me if I’m locked in my room. I hope she doesn’t bother me ever again. I hope she just vanishes into nothingness, or leaves, just like Dad.

I stare at my ceiling and I know that if things weren’t weird I’d be calling Becky right now, to cry to her over the phone and listen as she tries to comfort me in the way that she only can. But I can’t call her, I can’t call anyone, and for the first time I know exactly what it is like to be alone.

“June?” I hear Jessica’s voice through the door and I’m surprised that she’s not crying for effect.

I don’t answer her and even though the door is shut and she can’t see me, I turn my back to her and hope that she leaves me alone.

“I’m not leaving until you open this door,” She says, sounding slightly angry and for a second I feel relieved, not only because that’s the dramatic Jessica that I know so well, but because she’s not going to leave me alone.

“Well I’m never going to open it,” I yell back even though I promised myself I wouldn’t speak to her.

“Then I’ll just wait here forever,” She says simply and I can tell that she’s sitting on the floor right outside my door, so that means I really can’t leave without having to talk to her or at least step over her.

“I’m not opening the door,” I say, trying to sound firm, but I can feel my resolve cracking because I just want to know what she has to say.

“Then we can talk through the door,” She says quietly, like she’s trying to calm me down, like she knows how upset I am.

I hate that she’s my sister.

I move slowly across the room, like I’m going to trigger a booby trap and die suddenly, but when I get to the door I slowly sink down to the floor and rest my back against it, and I can almost feel her heartbeat through the door.

“Okay, fine, talk,” I say, and my palms are sweating. I’m facing the window, and I can see birds pass by and the world turning outside, happy and carefree, because they don’t have to worry about all the stuff I have to worry about.

“I’m sorry,” She starts and I practically snort because it’s going to take a lot more than that for me to forgive her.

“I know that Kellan is your boyfriend, I know that I’m an awful slut who dates a different boy ever week June. I know all these things but it’s not like it’s easy for me to face that reality,” She says and takes a shaky breath and I know she’s about to cry. “But I meant what I said June, I really am a virgin, and I date a bunch of boys because I’m… I’m messed up June. I’m trying so hard to fix myself, but I can’t, and I’m sorry that I’m such an awful sister. I’m sorry I disappointed you June,” she whispers by the last part, and I can feel my heart start to crack, and I have to remind myself to fix that crack because I’m not supposed to forgive her.

“You’re not messed up Jessica, you’re perfect,” I say, and you can hear the bitterness that covers my voice.

She laughs as soon as I say that though and it catches me off guard, “You think I’m perfect?

“Everyone thinks your perfect,” I say, crossing my arms firmly across my chest.

“Kellan doesn’t,” she states, and I feel my blood start to pound at the mention of his name. “In fact he pretty much hates me. After you ran out he got so mad that he smashed that ugly lamp,” she says and I flash to the lamp downstairs that Dad gave us and I have to admit that it really is ugly.

“If he doesn’t think your perfect why did he kiss you?” I ask, and I can feel myself getting angry all over again.

“Trust me June, I’m pretty sure the last thing he ever wanted to do was kiss me,” She says and I can tell she’s probably smiling.

“Then why-,” I start to say but I’m cut off by Jessica.

“Because I kissed him, and it’s all because I’m messed up June, it’s all because I’m not as perfect as everyone thinks I am,” she says and I can tell that she’s going to cry any second.

I stand up and turn around to face the door, opening it so fast that I don’t have time to think about it and Jessica tumbles backward into my room. I look at her as she lays on the floor and stares up at me, her chin wobbling and her eyes red.

“You’re such a drama queen,” I say, but I reach my hand down to help her up.

I know that I shouldn’t forgive her. I know that this is a big deal. But I also know that Jessica is my sister, and always has been. I know that she’ll be my maid of honor and I know that she’ll always be my sister. And I can’t change that. So there may not be one reason in particular why I reached my hand down to her, but maybe it was all these reasons together. Maybe it was because no matter what, blood will always be thicker than water.

“Have you talked to Becky?” She asks me when she stands up and this question poses me as so random that I actually laugh for a second. Until I see her face and that she’s completely serious.

“Yeah I have talked to Becky, almost every day,” I say, making a face at her because I have no idea what she’s getting onto.

“That’s not really want I meant,” she snaps, but then takes a deep breath and tries to hold herself together. “I meant has she told you that secret of hers?”

I’m so shocked for a second that I don’t know what to think. Then I start to think that Jessica has been listening in on my phone conversations, but that’s ridiculous, she has better things to do. Unless, a horrible thought occurs to me. What if the secret wasn’t what I thought it was? What if it has to do with Jessica, what if it’s nothing to do with Becky being in love with me?

“Well, I’m pretty sure I know her secret,” I say slowly, sitting down on my bed and looking at Jessica.

Her face quivers, and suddenly, she’s crying. Deep sobs are rumbling out from her and her hands hide her face like she’s embarrassed that she’s actually crying. I sit back on my bed for a second because I have no idea how to react. Sure I’d seen Jessica cry before, but nothing like this. This is real tears, real hurt, real pain. And suddenly I know her emotions are so raw that I have no idea how to make them better.

“Are you okay?” I ask which is a stupid question because she’s obviously not okay otherwise she wouldn’t be bawling her eyes out in the middle of my bedroom.

“Seriously Jessica,” I say after another second, “You’re freaking me out.”

“I don’t want to be like this,” She heaves in between sobs, making me even more confused, “I’ve tried so hard not to be like this, and I don’t know why I am,” She says, and I can tell she’s just as confused and hurt as I was when I saw her kissing Kellan, maybe even more so.

“Jessica, what are you talking about?” I ask, standing up and taking a careful step toward her.

“I’m so sorry I kissed Kellan June, but it didn’t mean anything, I swear! Nothing ever means anything anymore,” She cries out, “This is all Dad’s fault, when he left us it was like… like no guy was worth trusting ever again.”

“You’re not making any sense Jessica, what’s all dad’s fault,” I say, trying to make sense of this all.

She looks up at me finally and her eyes are so red and bloodshot she looks like something out of a horror movie, “I’m all dad’s fault! Everything about me! I wish so badly that I could change it, I try so hard! I’ve kissed Jeffery Foster, I mean I thought that he at least change me! But he doesn’t, no one ever does!”

“Jessica what the hell are you talking about?”I yell, finally losing my patience somewhere in the middle of all the gibberish floating around the room.

She looks at me for a second, like she’s trying to figure out some sort of complicated math problem, like she’s trying to figure out me. “I don’t think you really know.”

“I don’t want to talk about Becky’s secret Jessica, I want to talk about why you are acting like this!” I say, stamping my foot and feeling like a third grader.

She shakes her head slowly, “June, what do you think Becky’s secret is?”

I look at her, my mind reeling and look down at my feet, “She’s in love with me,” I say, feeling ashamed of myself.

The room is so still for a second it’s like we’re frozen in time, and then there’s just Jessica’s laughter breaking and shattering all the stillness in the room.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, feeling blood rush up to color my cheeks.

Jessica shakes her head again, this time quicker and her hair flies out around her face, “There’s something I should probably tell you,” She says, walking past me and sitting on top of my bed, “And you’ll want to sit down.”

I look at her and my brain hurts from thinking too much so instead I don’t think, I just sit. I just listen.

“Becky isn’t in love with you,” she says, patting my knee, and when I open my mouth to protest she holds up a hand to stop me. “I know that because…” she takes a deep breath and gives me another one of her famous sighs, “I know that because Becky is in love with me.”

And just like that, the world makes sense again. All the things Jessica was crying about, all the boys, all the times she’s seemed to have a secret. The way Becky cried when I told her it wasn’t going to work, the way she always took Jessica’s side of an argument.

“And,” Jessica continues, “I’m in love with her, too.”

I turn my head to see Jessica’s perfect face. The way her hair floats around her and the way she can always execute her makeup perfectly. But then it’s all there written across her face. Jessica isn’t perfect, Jessica hasn’t ever been perfect. She’s just Jessica, she’s only human. It’s not that she was ever better than me, it was that she was always different from me. I look at her and now that I know her deep secret, I know that she’s not perfect, I know that she cries and she hurts. Then I think about having to hide something like that for so long and my heart hurts for her. But I don’t know what to say, because from a perfect sister, this is the last thing you expect.

So I don’t say anything, instead I lean towards her and wrap her in my arms, and hold her as she starts to cry again into my shoulder. I know that my life will never be the same, and I know that I still have to talk to Becky. I know that Kellan probably won’t forgive me, and I know that my mom is falling in love all over again.

But right now I know that my sister is hurting, and that she needs me.