Learning to Love June

Banner by Patty because I won her contest! Thank you I love it so much!

When Jessica walks Jeffery to the door I watch them even though it makes me feel creepy. I watch the way he wraps himself around her and drags her close, kissing her hard on the mouth. I watch them standing there and feel my heart break.

I watch Jessica and wonder what my life will be like if I never get someone to kiss me like that. If no one ever looks at me and thinks that I’m the better sister. If no one ever loves me the way everyone loves Jessica. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to love you, I don’t think that it is so beyond the realm of possibilities, because I know that if I was Jessica love would be the least of my worries.

Jeffery pushes her against the doorframe and I can see Kellan standing behind them, and he catches my eye and smiles a bit. Just that one smile sends my heart flipping through my stomach, and then I think about someone loving me and think that maybe Kellan does.

And then I realize that it’s Kellan Foster, and I shouldn’t be hoping he loves me. Because no one loves Kellan Foster unless it’s a last resort.

I mean, look at his brother.

&&

Kellan Foster is one of those boys who might eat lunch in the library. Of course I wouldn’t know if he does, because it’s not like I’ve ever looked for him at lunch before.

He’s quiet, he’s shy. He lives in his brother’s shadow.

Though I would never admit this out loud, that’s probably one of the biggest reasons I even notice Kellan. Living in an older sibling’s shadow is the story of my life. And for some odd reason, Kellan Foster is probably the only person in my school who understands that. Who understands me.

But he’s some big mystery wrapped up in sugar coating. You never know what to expect because no one really knows him at all. Sometimes people whisper about him, like he got caught smoking in the parking lot, or that he tried to kill his brother once. But he didn’t even smell like cigarettes and I don’t think that he’d be capable of killing anyone. Just the way he looks at Jeffery isn’t close to the way I probably look at Jessica. Kellan doesn’t want to be Jeffery, he just wants to live his life.

I think it’s bad that I’m jealous of him for that reason.

“Who are you looking at?” Becky asks the next day by my locker, running a hand through her short hair and making it stick up even more. I roll my eyes at her and try not to smooth down the hair, but it’s hard to resist.

“No one,” I say, looking away from Kellan, who is leaning across the post and scribbling furiously into his notebook and makes me want to walk up to him and say something. I can’t see his eyes from wear I’m standing, and for some reason that drives me insane.

“Seriously? Who was it? A boy?” She asks, her questions all running together.

“It was no one,” I snap, sounding harsher than I meant to.

She turns scarlet and ducks her head, “Sorry,” She mumbles, making me feel horrible.

“It’s fine,” I say quickly, reaching out to touch her arm lightly, “I’m tired is all.”

“Okay,” She says, looking up and I can see that her eyes are watering and I feel like she’s being sort of pathetic.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, my fingers getting tangled in its thickness and making me look like an idiot while I try to untangle myself.

Then before I realized what happening, I notice that Kellan has walked through the commons and is coming this way. For some reason beyond me I have the urge to say hi to him, maybe because of the time we spent together the night before, or maybe just because I want to see his eyes again.

And then I start thinking about what if he can’t hear me and I’m just standing there calling ‘hi’ to no one and look like a freak. Or worse, what if he hears me and ignores me, making me look like the biggest loser on the face of the planet. I open my mouth to speak but suddenly forget how to form words and I’m just standing there with my mouth open and trying to say hi to a guy but I can’t because I’m too afraid of what’s going to happen.

“Hey,” He’s saying to me before I can register what’s happening. He’s stopped in front of me, his bag slung over his shoulder in a lazy way and his eyes gleaming. When I see his eyes a feeling of accomplishment washes over me and I find my voice from inside me.

“Hi,” I say, trying not to sound awkward, but the fact Becky is looking back and forth between us furiously is ruining my plan.

“It’s Becky, right?” Kellan says next, turning to look at her and smiling slightly, just so you can barely see his teeth but it’s still a pretty smile.

She nods, like her voice just floated away from her and I know exactly how she feels.

“So what brings you over here?” I ask and then feel like smacking myself because that was the dumbest thing that has ever come out of my mouth.

Kellan just shrugs though and looks over his shoulder at all the people behind him, “I just wanted to say hi, what is that not allowed?” He says, like we’ve been friends forever. And I can feel it to because suddenly I can see how easy it would be for me to talk to him like this every day and it makes my insides gurgle.

“No it’s fine,” I say quickly, “I just… didn’t expect you too,” And then I feel like hitting myself because that’s ten times dumber than what I said before.

He smirks and I can see that he has a dimple on his chin that makes my heart speed up, “Well I felt like surprising you.”

And then I have a crazy thought; Is Kellan Foster flirting with me? But of course he’s not because the thought of Kellan Foster flirting with me is just insane. It would be like if I suddenly sprouted third eyes right then and there in the middle of the commons, or if all of Jessica’s hair turned gray and she aged thirty years spontaneously. It’s against nature, it’s not supposed to happening.

But it is and I feel like singing.

Then the bell is ringing and all Kellan does is give me an apologetic wave before turning around and marching off down the hallway. I look after him for a little bit and watch as his bad almost falls of his shoulder before he stops to adjust it. And then I can’t help but replay what happened over and over again.

“Hello? Earth to June!” Becky says, waving a hand in front of my face and pulling me out of my thoughts.

“What?” I say, looking at her with an innocent expression.

“What was that about?” She asks.

“Oh well,” I say, shifting my weight, “It’s nothing, he had to come over yesterday when Jessica and Jeffery were ‘studying’,” I say, using air quotes.

Becky turns bright again and looks down at the ground, “Oh, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” I say, wondering what in the hell has gotten into her. “Is there something you want to talk about?” I ask, trying to be a good best friend.

She looks up at me again, her eyes wide and her mouth open and for a second I think that she’s actually going to tell me; when the bell rings again, signaling that we have a minute to get to class.

I put a hand lightly on her shoulder and look into her eyes, “We’ll talk later, I promise,” I say, turning to walk away to my class.

I look over my shoulder once to see Becky still standing there, her mouth still open like the world had frozen right before the biggest moment of her life.

And then I worry how big this secret can really be.