Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Jade's POV

Driving in the car for hours on end had never been my favorite part of the voyage to and from Lutherville and Essex. In fact, I absolutely hated car rides altogether. I hated the cramped feeling in my legs after being cooped up for periods of time without rest stops, the nauseous feeling after consuming fast food and going over bumps causing the food to rise to rise to my stomach, but most of all, I hated the fact that I couldn't get a peaceful sleep when I had to fill in the role of copilot and handle the map. I hated driving because that meant the person in the seat next to me could sleep and I'd be alone in silence, with no one to talk to, but I guess I put that upon myself when I offered to switch seats with my sister halfway through the car ride. Cars were just terrible in general, but I especially hated ours, for reasons I had made clear to only Alex.

The mere mention of his name made me cringe in the seat as we were driving down familiar streets now. I felt bad for not telling a single friend about our departure, except for Matt who knew somewhat of what was going on with us. But other than him, no one had a clue that we were heading home, or they probably hadn't even realized we had left yet, considering that it was still pretty early. They were sure in for a surprise when they would turn up at Clara's today, wanting to hang out. The thought made a grimace appear on my face as well as an intensified nauseous feeling in my stomach.

“Are we almost there?” My sister grumbled in her seat, burrowing her face closer into her pillow, her seat reclined as she tried to catch a little bit of sleep. I heard Bailey sigh as we turned onto another street, the familiarity of it hitting me hard with nostalgia.

“Yup.”

My answer was short and bittersweet; I was happy to be home, but I had this gut wrenching feeling that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. But, knowing me, I pushed it aside, not wanting to contradict my decision of leaving. Eventually I would be able to return to normal and everything would work out and I would be happy. I didn't know if I was convincing myself or demanding that I get better. Either way, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was too late to turn back, so I would make the best of it.

Here we are, I thought as I pulled into a cracking driveway of a small light blue house, the lawn was covered by snow, except for the occasional bare patch that showed the browning lawn underneath. The flower boxes were filled to the brim with untouched snow, bringing back memories of how Sam and I would wait until the water from the roof had leaked down enough into the window boxes for us to pick up and throw the wet snow at Bailey or an unsuspecting passerby.

Memories of Sam seemed to have occurred more on the trip back than they had on the trip here. It was like Lutherville had a shield around it that forced me to leave unhappy memories behind me and, in a sense, leave them at the door of the state of Maryland. It was a blessing and a curse. I wanted to forget about Sam, but I knew I didn't want to let him go.

I parked the car, my sister swinging open her door and pulling herself out, walking to the trunk to pull out some of our bags. I sat there in my seat, looking out at the house in front of me. I was pulled from my stare and jumped about a foot in the air when I heard a tap on the window. Turning my head, there stood my sister, her hand positioned in front of the glass with a small smile on her face.

“You coming? I'm not carrying your bags in.” I nodded, unbuckling the seat belt and opening the car door, standing next to my sister and taking my bags from her hands.

Together, we walked towards the house, Bailey taking out the key we hadn't used in what seemed like forever. The door opened with a creek and then all we saw was the dark hallway. It was almost as if the house had been abandoned for years and years. It smelled as if no one had been there in months; everything was clean for a change but there weren't any cobwebs yet, though some dust was collecting on some of the furniture.

We stepped inside, taking in the house we hadn't seen in months. Bailey flicked on some lights, illuminating the house to show off the bland colors of the walls my mother had painted when we had first moved into the house, back when everything was perfectly fine in our household and no one was depressed...or missing for that matter.

“I'm, uh, gonna go unpack.” I mumbled, pointing towards the stairs as Bailey walked into the kitchen to look over the food we had in the house to see if we needed to stock up anymore.

Taking the steps two at a time, I entered the darkened hallway where it seemed like a billion rooms rowed out on either side. Trekking down the hallway, I looked at each room, taking into account who slept where and trying to remember where everything was. Parents' room, bathroom, Bailey's room across the hall, and next to hers was the room that seemed to have its own doom and gloom laying around it.

Standing in front of Sam's door, I could hear the muffled cries floating back into my memory.

“Bailey where are you?!” I yelled, jumping up the stairs as I heard the loud screams and sobs of my younger sister.
I followed the sounds to my brother's opened door, which I quickly ran into, expecting the worse.

I shook the memories from my head, daring myself to stretch out my hand those next couple inches in order to push the door open and enter the room.

Nothing had changed there; his band posters still hung on the walls, his clothes were still in the closet, his bed was unmade and his iPod lay on his bedside table, the ear buds hanging off the side like he had just used it. It felt as if this whole ordeal had been a bad dream. Bailey and I had never been to Lutherville, we had never left, Sam had never killed himself, and any second he would be walking through the door, opening his arms to give me the huge hug I needed at this very moment.

But it would never happen ever again.

The bathroom door was open, the sobs louder than ever as I peered in, seeing my sister lying next to the bath tub, a body in her arms. My mind refused to acknowledge who's body she was cradling, just based on the fact that I didn't want it to be who it was.

Questions ran through my head, mostly the same one; why? It didn't make sense to me, but seeing the blood filled tub and streaks of the same maroon colored liquid around his body, the linoleum floors, and the white porcelain siding of the tub, I couldn't deny it any longer.

Tears filled my eyes as I looked at bathroom that had once been lived in. The stains were gone, but the memories remained, causing the tears to fall from my eyes and down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, walking from the bathroom and Sam's room altogether, crossing the hall and shutting my bedroom door with a hard slam.

“No-o...” I stuttered, running a hand shakily through my hair as my sister continued to sob into the lifeless body by her feet. My hands trembled as I pulled open the phone I had never put out of my reach since hanging up with Bailey what seemed like decades ago. I knew it was useless to call the ambulance to take away Sam; they couldn't revive him. He had probably been gone for a while now.

Watching as the ambulance carried the body away in a stretcher, my mother and sister stood off to the side, tears flowing heavily down their cheeks as my father conversed with one of the paramedics. With a hand placed on my father's shoulder and a sympathetic glance, the paramedic left my father alone on the sidewalk, his head hung low, looking at the ground but I could see the glistening of tears on his cheeks.

“Dad,” Bailey whispered, her voice choked from muffled cries. My father looked up, his eyes beginning to cloud over with the tears he refused to shed, “What's going on with Sam?”

Tears spilled over from his eyes, looking down as he began to shake his head-

“Jade,” I jumped up, throwing the blanket off my body as I turned around, looking in every direction before my eyes settled on the face of my younger sister, her identical green eyes piercing into my own. Looking away, I ran a hand over my face and through my hair, feeling the cold sweat coated over my skin and on my fingers.

I continued to look at my sister, staring deeply into her eyes as my heart continued to race, “Are you okay, Jay?” I looked away, pulling the blankets completely off of my body before sitting up and placing my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths to calm myself, “Jade?”

“I'll be fine...eventually.” I mumbled, pushing off my bed and going to my suitcase to unpack the clothes I had forgotten about after visiting Sam's room a few hours before.

I could feel Bailey's eyes scanning me over, probing my movements with doubt; her twin telepathy had kicked in, or her common sense, whichever one. She knew it was a lie just as much as me. Either way, she was being a good sister by not calling my bluff.

“Alright, well, some of my friends are here so I'm gonna go hang out with them for a bit.” Oh, of course, Bailey's prissy shit friends that hadn't wasted a second glance on me; their critical eyes always staring me down and judging me with their glances as if I would never live up to their credentials. I rolled my eyes, grabbing a hoodie from my suitcase, immediately regretting packing this specific one.

“I'm gonna go for a walk,” I muttered, slinging my arms through the sleeve holes and walking to the door.

“Oh, okay. Call if you need me to come pick you up,” I nodded, picking up my cell phone from my old dresser, slipping it into my jeans back pocket, “Hey, isn't that Alex's hoodie?”

With my hand on the door knob, I took a deep breath, nodding slowly before opening the door and slipping out and down the stairs. As I entered the living room, my eyes fell upon the three girls sitting on the couch and talking amongst themselves, though their chatter stopped once their eyes fell on me.

“Hello, Jade.” One of them said, snarling at me slightly; they wouldn't admit it out loud, but I knew they all despised to such a degree that they snarled over my very name. I tried to apologize to them after pouring a bucket of water of their heads, but they wouldn't hear anything of it, thus beginning the snarls and dirty looks I got from them.

“Hello, Snob.” And with that I slammed the front door shut, taking in the frigid air that was Essex, New Jersey. I wrapped myself tighter in Alex's hoodie before starting to walk down the sidewalk.

Bailey's friends had at least come to see her, where were mine you may ask? My old group of friends had this unspoken rule that we didn't get messed up in each other business. Usually, human beings are prideful and when someone wishes to help, most people would say something along the lines of 'no thanks' or the classic 'I'm fine' or 'I'm good'. Either way, we had decided that if that was going to happen when we offered to help the other, we wouldn't try to get involved in the first place. Of course, if you called and needed help we would be there, but other than that, we left each other to fend for ourselves.

While Bailey's friends had prodded her to talk about Sam's death, to get it out in the open, my friends had left me alone completely. That was probably a good reason why Bailey had gotten so much better away from Essex; people weren't probing her to find out if she was alright, mostly because no one knew. I, on the other hand, had gotten worse because someone had suddenly cared about my well being; Alex.

Turning the corner, I caught sight of a group of girls, standing around laughing and drinking what looked like root beer. A small smile graced my face as I walked toward them, one of the girls catching my eye as a huge grin broke out on her lips.

“Well, if it isn't miss hit and run herself.” I smiled, running towards my group of friends and engulfing the girl who had just spoken in a hug.

“Mandy, I've missed you.” Mandy had been my best friend since first grade. We had been the only girls in the class willing to touch the worms, thus making us friends. She had always been a tough girl, which made her intimidating to other people, but really, she was just a sweetheart with a tough exterior. Her brown hair was always in a ponytail and she always wore jeans and a band tee no matter the weather, though, at one point, I had been the same way and sometimes I still was.

“I missed you too, Jay. How did Maryland treat ya?” Mandy smiled. Out of all the girls in the group (there were only three, not including myself) her and I had gotten along the best. She had been the only one to really kinda be there when Sam died, though I hadn't cried on her shoulder like I had with Alex. I hadn't really cried at all.

I shrugged, “Pretty well. Made some pretty cool friends and four of them are in a band-”

“Any of 'em cute?” The blond next to Mandy, her name was Brittany though we called her Brit, said, smiling at me all the while.

I smirked, “Yeah. They all were.” The girls cheered and smiled, patting me on the back for making such good looking friends in Lutherville.

“Got any pictures?” Laura, the brunette on the other side of Mandy asked. I nodded, taking out my phone and flipping to my pictures.

Before I could show them the pictures, however, my phone began to vibrate in my hand.

“You got a call from...Rian.” Mandy said, looking at the screen where a picture of my Lutherville friends had resided. I nodded, pulling my phone away from their line of vision. I had an internal battle with myself; should I answer, should I not answer.

Finally, after a small tug of war in my head was done, I pressed the call button, pulling the phone next to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Jade! Oh my God! Where the hell are you? Why didn't you tell any of us you were leaving? Why did you leave in the middle of the night? What the fuck were you thinking? Wh-”

“Rian,” I interrupted, running a hand over my face as I walked away from my friends to get some privacy while talking to him, “its complicated.”

I heard footsteps and then suddenly the background noise on Rian's end had decreased, meaning he had walked away as well to ensure his own privacy.

“Is this about the girls that are threatening you?”

I shook my head, though he couldn't exactly see me, “No. Its about...so much more.”

“Is this about Alex?” Rian questioned softly, only ensuring that the boy in question, and quite possibly his girlfriend, were in the house as we were talking.

I sighed, running my hand, once more, down my face, “Partially.”

“Jade, you can't run away from things. You have to face them head on and deal with them.”

“Its not completely him,” I began, glimpsing at my friends who were laughing and joking around once again, “It's me.”

“Ah, the classic break up speech thingy. Listen, I'm sure if you just talk it out with Alex-”

“Rian, can I tell you a story?” I interrupted him once again.

“Uh, sure.” I took a deep breath, gathering my thoughts before beginning to speak once again.

“When I was little, I went to a lake house with my family. I liked to explore and find things and bring them back to the lake house to show my mom and dad. One day, I walked down to the lake and sitting on a rock was a box. Of course, being little I went to investigate it and when I did, I found out that the box was empty.”

“I don't see what that has to do with anything-”

“I'm not finished, Rian.” I said, taking a few steps forward to create a bigger space between my friends and I. “I realized that life had given me something to get over the problems I had been having, but I wasn't doing my part to fill up the small space to get over my problem. I needed to do that myself and, though you guys helped me a lot to help me, I needed to do something to fix the problem on my own. Do you understand?”

There was a long pause before Rian spoke again, “Nope. Not at all.”

“I'm sorry, Rian, but I can't come back until I know that I won't be a burden to my new friends because I'm not stable enough.”

“But we can help you, Jade. You don't need to run away to get better. We can help you.”
Rian pleaded, trying to get me to rethink my decision of coming here.

“I'm sorry, Rian, but I can't. Goodbye.” I hung up the phone.

Someday, he and the others would understand that I needed this.

I just had to convince myself first.