Tour With Me

Natalie’s POV

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Don’t. It’s the most painful thing that anyone could ever do. Your heart and your mind are determined to make you feel as miserable as you possibly can. You heart provides you with the physical pain, while your brain makes up for everything else.

It was safe to say that I wasn’t going to get any sleep anytime soon. I was awake during the entire car ride how, no matter how tired I was. Whenever my eyes would close, my brain would provide me with images of Justin, sometimes they were images of us together, but either way, they were images that I didn’t want to see.

I wasn’t sure if it was really my brain or my heart sending the images. It could have been my brain because the images made me regret my decision more than anything. Then again, the images made me feel sick and as if I couldn’t breathe, this could only be the doing of my heart. I didn’t know who was trying to make me feel worse but whichever it was; they were doing a good job at it.

Once we got back home, everything just seemed to be in a daze. I couldn’t even remember what I was doing. In fact, I didn’t know that I was doing anything. I didn’t realize that two hours had gone by until I looked over at the clock from the corner of my room. I hadn’t unpacked any of my things or done anything for two hours. I simply sat in the corner of the room staring at the corner of the wall, trying to ignore the images in my head.

I wasn’t snapped out of my gaze until I noticed someone sit down next to me. I figured that it was Maya trying to talk to me once again. She had tried to talk to me earlier about what had happened, but I simply told her that I didn’t want to talk about it.

I sighed as I closed my eyes leaning my head back against the wall. I opened my eyes glancing over at the person, only to be shocked to see who it was.

“Hey Tay,” I smiled.

I couldn’t help but to smile down at my little brother. No matter how bad I was feeling I was sure that he could cheer me up. I hadn’t seen him in what felt like forever. How could I be upset seeing him for the first time in a while?

He smiled back at me, his large brown eyes smiling back at me. He sat Indian style next to me. He seemed so happy. As if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“You came back!!” he happily cheered.

My smile grew wider as I stared down at him. I nodded my head as he cheerfully started to bounce up and down. For the first time, in a while, I laughed. I actually laughed an actual laugh.

I picked up Dante and set him down on my lap. He continued to smile, his carefree smile as leaned back against me. He took my right hand and began to play with it.

“So how was it?”

I continued to smile as he played with my hand. Despite his question, my smile didn’t fade. I simply closed my eyes as I rested my chin on top of his head.

“It was…” I pursed my lips to the side as I thought for the right words to say. “Indescribably eventful,”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means that a lot of things happened on the trip,”

“Were the good things?”

“…yea Tay, they were great things,”

“Great things happened to me while you were gone too,”

“Oh yeah?”

He nodded his head vigorously. “They were in...indescribbable great,”

I couldn’t help but to giggle at his attempts. I had missed this. I had missed seeing my little brother growing up.

“What do you say we watch a movie together Tay?”

He quickly jumped out of my embrace and ran out of the room, going to pick a movie. I giggled once more as I watched him run out of the room.

I stood up just as Maya entered the room. Her face was etched with concern as she chewed her bottom lip. Her eyes were soft and fully of sympathy. Something was wrong. I furrowed my brows as I stared at her. before I could question her about what was wrong, she told me to come downstairs.

I hesitantly followed her down the hall. Once I came to the top of the stairs, I realized what was wrong. I realized everything that was wrong. I soon saw how wrong this situation was going to be.

His gaze locked with mine, causing me to stop breathing. My heart thudded against my chest just as it always had when I saw him. my empty stomach flipped causing me to feel even sicker than before. We stared at each other, neither of us breaking eye contact.

His eyes were filled with so many emotions, I could tell even from a distance. The depths of his orbs only caused me to feel immensely guiltier than I already had. His emotions were so strong that it was almost as if I could feel them myself.

I could feel his sorrow, his pain. I could feel his desperation. I could feel his heartache. His heartache seemed a thousand times worse than mine, not that I was surprised. I knew that he would be hurt by this. I knew that my decision was killing him from the moment I made it.

What killed me was that I had caused him to feel this way. I was the reason for his heartache and pain. I was the darkness in his world full of light. I was the demon that killed his joy. I was the girl that broke his heart.

“I’ll go get my shoes,” I whispered. My voice had suddenly become hoarse. The lump in my throat had returned as I became lightheaded. My stomach was churning from the amount of guilt that I was feeling, yet I didn’t show it.

I held my head up high as I went to get my shoes. I refused to show how much this was affecting me. If I did, my emotions would get to me. Once that happened, I would lose all control. Who knows what could be the result of that?

Once I had my shoes on, Justin and I left. I knew that we were going to have to talk no matter how much I didn’t want to. If we had to talk, I wasn’t going to do it in front of everyone else. They would only add to the drama that was in the situation. That would cause more stress and lead to me spiraling downwards.

We walked side by side down the sidewalk, neither of us uttering a word. We didn’t even make eye contact. Justin’s hands were in his pockets and his gaze was focused on his shoes. My eyes were focused on anything but Justin, yet anything that caught my interest seemed to be in his direction.

Could it be that I wanted to talk to Justin more than I was telling myself? Was I actually deeper in denial than I had been before?

Well I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t allow myself to deny anything any longer. Denial was a problem that I didn’t want to deal with. I would make it say that denial was once again a river in Africa and no longer in my life.

Just as I was about to speak I noticed that we had reached the park. The last time that Justin and I were here we shared another…moment. My cheeks heated up at the thought.

I walked towards the swings silently, knowing that Justin would follow. I sat down on one swing; he sat down on the one to my right. I slowly rocked myself back and forth on the tips of my toes, one of my hands gripping each chain. I looked down at my shoes as I rocked.

The awkward silence continued to hang between us. Justin and I had never before experienced and awkward silence. our silences were always comfortable. As if words didn’t need to be spoken.

This wasn’t one of those situations. Words were needed. Words were needed now more than ever. The only problem was who would utter those needed words first.

We had yet to say anything to each other, yet we knew what we wanted to say to the other. I knew what I wanted to say to him and vice versa, yet, uttering those words seemed harder than before. The pain that I was going through made things more difficult than they had ever been for me and Justin. Lately, everything was difficult.

I did the only thing that I could do. I spoke the only two words that I hoped would get a response. The two words that could end this unfamiliar situation.

“I’m sorry,”

My voice was so low that it was barely audible, yet I knew that he had heard. I knew that he had heard those words perfectly clear. He had heard those words as if I had spoken them directly into his ears.

His shoulders squared as he continued to look down at his shoes. His face was cold, void of any emotions. I had no way of knowing how he was feeling. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I didn’t know what he was going to say next. I simply knew that he was thinking about what I said.

A few more moments of silence passed causing me to tense up. This wasn’t going to end well.

“I love you,”

My head slowly rose, setting my gaze on him. his gaze was still cast downwards at his shoes. He had spoken with such confidence that I knew that I wasn’t imagining things. However, deep down inside of me, I was hoping that I was hallucinating.

“I love you,” he repeated, the same confidence showing. “I love you and you’re sorry,”

“Justin—”

“Let me finish Natalie,” I nodded my head.

He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. “I love you and you’re sorry. I’m the one with the broken heart, yet you’re sorry. Why are you sorry Natalie? Are you sorry because I love you?”

“No—”

“Are you sorry because you pity me?”

“No—”

“Are you sorry because you don’t love me?”

“…No—”

“The why the hell are you sorry!!” Justin jumped out of the swing with a flare of his arms. His stood directly in front of me, an expression on his face that I couldn’t read. He locked his gaze with mine, before closing his eyes. He rubbed his temples before opening his eyes again.

“You know,” he began “Every other sixteen year older girl, whose name is not Natalie May Brown, would love to fall in love. In fact, they would love to have a guy fall in love with them. It’s just something that the average girl likes. But you can’t be like the average girl. No, you have to be so fucking different. You have to be the one girl on this entire planet that doesn’t fucking want a guy to fall in love with you and you know what else. You had to be the one girl on the planet who I had to fall in love with!!!!”

He sighed once more before stepping closer to me. He placed both his hands on the chains of my swings. He leaned closer to me so that he was mere inches away from my face.

“But this is the reason why I love you Natalie. You’re not like others girls in ways that I couldn’t imagine. It’s the fact that you drive me crazy that makes me want to be with you. It’s your stubborn attitude that makes me want to try harder for you. It’s how closed off you are that makes me want to tear down your walls and get you to let me inside,”

“It’s how passionate you are about dancing and those who care about you. It’s the way that you smile, the way that you laugh, the way that you purse your lips when you’re thinking. There are so many things about you that make me love you. Everything that I’m supposed to hate about you I love,”

“I love you Natalie, and I’m not going to let you go. I don’t care how stubborn you are, I can’t just give up on you without a fight. I love you too much to do that,”

I was speechless. I couldn’t think of anything to say after that. I don’t think that there was anything that I could say after that. For the second time in less than two days, Justin had confessed his love for me. the only difference about this time was, I had just confessed my love for him a few hours ago.

What was I supposed to do now?

I swallowed, trying to rid myself of the lump in my throat. “Justin,” I whispered. “I-I…you deserve better than me,”

He opened his mouth to object, but I shook my head, silencing him in the process. “You deserve better than me. You deserve a girl who going to love you the way that you love me. I’m not right for you. It may seem like it now, but when we get older…things will be different. I’m just not the right girl for you,”

“Yes you are,” he objected.

“No I’m not,”

“Yes—”

“Justin were not right for each other,”

“Is this…really…what you want,” I simply nodded my head in response.

I was lying through my teeth. This wasn’t what I believed in my heart. This was the exact opposite of what I was feeling, but this is what was right. I couldn’t keep causing Justin pain. It is just as they say; if you love something set it free.

Justin sighed as he shook his head. His grip tightened on the chains of the swings. “Okay, but I have one question,” he spoke.

He looked up, locking his gaze with mine. “So if I kissed you right now, you wouldn’t feel anything?”

I didn’t answer him. I knew that regardless of my answer he would kiss me. He would do exactly what he wanted to do.

Justin licked his lips before slowly leaning in. my eyes were halfway closed as his warm breath hit my lips. His eyes were closed and his head was titled. My heart was threatening to jump out of my chest, a feeling that I had become adjusted to when Justin was around.

My heart was yearning for his lips. I wanted him one last time. I wanted to have him one last time before he was no longer mine. For just a moment I wanted to pretend as if things were perfect. As if he was all I needed and I was all he needed. For just a moment, I wanted him.

His lips grazed mine slightly. My grip on the chains instantly loosened. I could feel myself melting instantly. My heart skipped a beat as my breathing became shallow. I inwardly sighed in content.

“I’ll never feel the same about anyone else Natalie,” he whispered. “I love you,”

He gently pressed his lips to mine, in a passionate kiss. Our lips moved dangerously slowly in sync. His hand cupped my cheek, bringing me closer to him. the kiss had just as much meaning behind it as it did when he tried to tell me that he loved me. He didn’t just want to show me, he wanted to tell me.

A salty tear slid down my right cheek as we continued to share in our passionate kiss. I had cried for the second time that day. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had cried so much.

Our lips disconnected for a slight moment. The moment was so slight that it hardly lasted. Yet, within that slight moment, I managed to whisper the three words that I never thought I would.

“I love you”