Faithfully

The next morning, I woke up to find my arms were empty. I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes and looking around sleepily. I finally saw her when she came out of the bathroom, dressed and ready to go.

“It’s about time you woke up.” She said, grinning over at me.

“What time is it?” I asked groggily.

“Ten thirty in the morning.” She chirped, moving over to her bag and packing up her clothes carefully. “We have to get going if we’re going to make it to San Francisco today.” She added, glancing over at me.

“Alright, alright, I’m getting up.” I said, getting out of the bed drowsily and stumbling over to my suitcase, grabbing a change of clean clothes and my toothbrush, moving into the bathroom. I took a quick shower that woke me up and then got dressed, brushing my teeth and running my fingers through my hair once.

“Alright, let’s go.” I said, coming out of the bathroom. She beamed up at me, grabbing her bag and slipping on her shoes. I put my shoes on and grabbed my bag, taking the card and moving out of the room, leading her down to the lobby. I checked out, taking her back to the truck and helping her in, climbing into the driver’s seat and starting up the truck.

We pulled out of the parking lot and Estella grabbed the map from the glove compartment, unfolding it and finding where we were and where we were going. She quickly instructed me and I started driving towards the highway.

In about two hours, we were nearing San Francisco. Estella’s excitement was getting more apparent as we were getting closer, because she kept jumping up and down in her seat, or clapping her hands, or humming a few bars from some musical I didn’t know. I chuckled, shaking my head at her. Her excitement was contagious though, and soon I found myself grinning as we entered the city limits.

“Jack! Jack you have to stop here. We have to get out; we have to ride a trolley, please! I’ve always wanted to ride one and we’re finally here and we can ride one together, oh, please, Jack!” Estella said, tugging on my arm and bouncing in her seat excitedly, pointing at the red trolley chugging along down the street. I laughed.

“Alright, alright! We’ll ride a trolley; just don’t have a heart attack or something.” I said, pulling over and parking in the first parking spot I could find. I put in the quarters necessary after getting out, and I turned around to see Estella staring up at the sky. I glanced up and noticed that there were a few dark clouds rolling in.

“C’mon, let’s ride that trolley before the storm comes.” I said, putting one arm around her shoulders and smiling down at her. She smiled gratefully up at me, and walked excitedly towards the trolley station. I bought our tickets and we boarded the little red trolley, standing near one of the back windows, leaning over the rail as the trolley drove down the road. The wind blew gently, the smell of rain carried on it as it whipped around our heads, making her hair fly around. She laughed, spreading her arms out and giggling like an excited child. It was the happiest I had seen her in a long time, and the happiest I would probably see her ever. This thought hit me like a bag of bricks. It was moments like these that made me unable to believe she was going to die soon. In less than a month, Estella Marie Jackson would be no more. It just didn’t seem possible. Looking at her now, you wouldn’t guess she was slowly but surely slipping away.

The trolley ride ended somewhere in the middle of downtown San Francisco, which meant Estella and I had to walk all the way back to the truck. She was absolutely fine with that, still on her trolley high. She was bubbly and energetic, and she was happy, which was really all that mattered. The dark clouds were rolling in closer, which worried me, but she seemed unbothered by it.

“Wasn’t it wonderful, Jack? I’ve always wanted to ride a trolley in San Francisco, and it was just as wonderful as I thought it would be. It was like a dream, with the wind, and the trolley car, and you, and it was magnificent, didn’t you think, Jack?” She was chattering away, glancing up at me every so often with the biggest, dreamiest smile on her face. I would just smile and nod, not needing to interject on anything.

By the time we had made it halfway back to the truck, the storm started. It was a light drizzle at first, and Estella giggled, dancing and twirling in it like a little girl. Soon it started pouring, and she started getting tired.

“Come on, jump on my back.” I told her, crouching down so she could do so. She hesitated before leaping up, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. She rested her head on my back, obviously worn out. I stuck close to the buildings, the occasional awning giving us some relief from the pouring rain.

“Thank you, Jack.”

I smiled back at her, turning my head so I could get a glimpse of her face.

“Of course, Estella.”

I love you. I thought, turning around to face the front.

“What?”

My eyes widened. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud, I could have sworn I just thought it. I kept my head forward, hoping she would just drop it. However, in true Estella fashion, she kept pushing it.

“Jack, what did you just say?”

“I didn’t say anything,” I lied, keeping my eye focus straight ahead. I could feel her trying to adjust herself so her face would be right next to mine, and in a few short seconds I could feel her gaze on me.

“Jack Andrew Reed. You are a horrible liar. You said something and I would like to know what you said.” Underneath her fierce tone was a hint of something else. Was that fear?

“It’s not important, Estella.” I was lying through my teeth now. She was right; I was a horrible liar. That didn’t matter. I had only just now come to terms with this; she didn’t need or deserve the pressure of having to deal with it.

“If it’s not so important, then you can tell me.” I ignored her, looking in the opposite direction and staring at nothing, willing her to just drop it. She started wriggling again, and I didn’t take notice of what she was doing until my back felt 120 pounds lighter. I turned around to see her standing in the middle of the sidewalk, arms folded across her chest, the rain plastering her dark hair to her pale face.

“Estella, what are you doing? Come on, we have to get you out of this rain.” I said, moving towards her. She took a step back, her eyes filled with determination.

“I refuse to move until you tell me what you said.” I could feel my exasperation rising. She was going to get sick if she didn’t get out of the rain and those wet clothes soon, and she couldn’t be sick.

“I said I love you. Now please, come on.”

Her eyes widened and she started shaking her head.

“No.”

Rejection hit me like a punch to the gut. I closed my eyes, feeling embarrassment flush my cheeks and race through my veins.

“Estella, please. This doesn’t have to be weird or anything, I’m sorry for saying it, we won’t talk about it again, just please come on.” I said quietly, moving towards her again. She didn’t back up this time, just stared at the ground, shaking her head and murmuring no over and over under her breath.

“Okay, I get it, you don’t return the feeling. You’re going to get sick if you stay out here any longer.” I said flatly, standing in front of her. She looked up at me, her eyes wide. It looked like she was crying, but that could have just been the rain.

“You can’t.” She said it softly, and the pain wrapped up in those two words told me that she was crying.

“Estella…” I started, but she shook her head, cutting me off.

“You can’t. I won’t let you.”

“Estella, I told you we don’t even have to talk about it, I get that you don’t feel the same way, bu-” She cut me off again, quickly.

“It’s not that. Quite the opposite, actually. I’ve loved you since I was 13 years old, Jack. But you can’t love me.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

Her hands curled into fists out of frustration, and she stared me straight in the eye.

“You can’t love me. I’m not anything to love, Jack. You deserve better than me. You deserve someone who can be with you, who can grow old with you, who can have kids with you, who will live with you. I can’t do any of that. I can’t give you kids, I can’t give you a family, Christ, I can’t even give you a walk up the street! I’m going to die, Jack. I’m not going to make it back home. I’m going to leave you. I’m not going to be able to stay with you. I love you, Jack. I love you with everything in me, but I refuse to let you love me. You deserve so much more than me. I’m sick. I’m dying. I can’t give you what you ought to have.” She ended her speech in tears, throwing her hands up in frustration. I didn’t say anything; I just moved forward and kissed her softly. She clutched the front of my shirt and even though she was kissing me back I could tell she was still crying, and so was I.

She pulled away first, leaning into me, the occasional sob wracking her body. I quietly picked her up, and cradling her in my arms, walked back to the truck in silence.

I put her gently in the passenger’s seat, kissing her forehead softly before moving into the driver’s seat, starting the truck and driving towards the nearest hotel. She stayed quiet, and when I finally chanced a glance over at her, I saw she was asleep. Despite everything, I smiled.

When we got to the hotel, I silently got out of the car, checking into the hotel, going back to the truck, deftly picking up Estella up and carrying her up to the hotel room. I laid her down on the bed and left the room, going to get both of our bags. When I came back, she was still lying down, but her eyes were open and she looked up at me as soon as I walked into the room.

I put our bags down by the door and sat next to her softly. I looked down at her, and she bit her lip, turning over and facing the wall. I sighed, reaching down and gently turning her over so she was facing me.

“Jack, please, I do-” I held up a finger.

“You got your turn to talk. Now it’s mine.” I said softly, and she frowned, but stayed quiet.

“I don’t care that you’re going to d-leave me. I don’t care that we can’t have children together, I don’t care that we can’t get married, I don’t care that you’re sick. I do care about you. I care about you and I love you. I love the way you smile, and the way you get excited, and I love your eyes, and I love the way you sing Broadway and expect me to know what you’re singing, I love how you can always find the happiest things in the bleakest of situations. I love you and everything about you. I, Jack Andrew Reed, love you, Estella Marie Jackson. And nothing you say or do will change that.” I spoke quickly and quietly, keeping her attention focused on me. She was silent for a second before she sat up, leaning forward and kissing me softly.

“I love you too, Jack.” She said quietly, leaning back down and moving under the covers, falling asleep again. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair before lying down next to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and falling asleep. I would worry about the consequences of what had happened affect me in the morning.