I Can't Hang

Brady and I exchanged a look of anxiety. Neither of us knew what God’s idea of an “errand” was. And quite frankly, I didn’t wanna find out.

“You see, there’s this guy who’s been stranded out in Antarctica for a few weeks,” They explained. “He’s our designated guy for that whole area up there, because he’s been there so much. His name’s James and everyone just calls him St. James. I don’t even know why he likes that place so much, but he does a good job at bringing souls up here without making a scene.”

The way They spat “without” made Brady flinch.

“Well, we sent him down to Antarctica about three weeks ago to go get a few penguins and whales, but when they were all here, he didn’t come back. He’s still down on earth.”

“What’s the problem then? Why can’t he come back up?” I asked, perplexed by the situation.

“We’re trying to contact him through prayer, but it’s not getting through. He doesn’t respond. And nobody else has the guts to go down to where it’s freezing out and get him themselves,” They elaborated. “It’s like there’s some sort of electrical shortage thingy or whatever you humans call it…”

“Short circuit?” I deadpanned.

“Yes! That.” God clapped Their hands together and adjusted themselves on Their seat. “But because of the circumstances and the mistake you two have made -”

“Whoa, wait! Brady was the one who let me fall!” I interceded.

“That’s bull honkey, Kyle! If you never would’a fell then we wouldn’t even be here!” Brady quickly retorted. “Don’t blame me!”

“BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP.”

We jumped a little and cowered like turtles receding into our shells.

“Now, nobody knows what’s going on with this situation, and frankly, things have been too chaotic to go down there now,” God went on. “So considering the position you two have put yourselves into, I think the best way for you to learn your lessons would be for you to figure out what’s wrong and just contact him.”

“Do we have to go down there?” I whined.

They sighed and seemed to sink. “I suppose not. All you have to do is figure out the problem.”

Brady made a praying motion with his hands and looked upward like he was thanking God, but realizing that God was in fact in front of him, he quickly adjusted his position.

“Go to the control room and you can figure things out for yourselves,” God commanded. “That’s your punishment.”

“Alright, it’s been a blast talkin’ with ya,” I winked, still thinking I was a little loopy from everything.

With our commands in mind, eager to get it over with, Brady and I turned around and began walking out of God’s room. It was gonna be a boring way to make us work off our debts, but hey, it was better than getting sent down to Hell. If that even existed at all.

The gate door closed behind us and yet again we were thrust into the hustle and bustle of the main cloud of Heaven, where angels conversed and did angel things and there was a low roar of noise. It was like bein’ down in Manhattan, only the people here didn’t cuss.

The talking was in full force when Brady and I walked out. But once God’s door closed behind us, causing an epic thud to sound throughout the area, it all stopped.

Every single head of every single angel was turned toward us.

Brady and I instinctively exchanged a worried glance.

Out of seemingly nowhere one of the angels fluttered over to us and folded her hands in front of herself. “How are They? Are They mad? Oh, no…”

‘Mad about what?’ I thought. Why would They be mad?

“You haven’t heard?” the woman gasped, looking at us as if what she knew was simply common knowledge. “There’s been a major accident!”

“Whoa, whaddaya mean, ‘major accident?!’” Brady spoke up. “What’s goin’ on?”

His voice carried throughout the entire crowd of angels before us, and everyone up here seemed to gasp simultaneously. Whispers echoed quietly amongst the gathering.

“Someone turn on the monitor!” one of the angels shouted.

As if one of the cloud walls were a giant invisible TV all along, it flickered up and lit up brilliantly with radiance, going straight to a news channel. On the screen was just your average talking head newscast; in the corner a tiny logo for a New York news channel was blinking.

“And finally, making news headlines just moments ago, we bring you to central Manhattan,” one of the talking heads babbled.

My heart dropped into my feet, my stomach started churning, and every nerve ending in my body felt like it was getting electrical currents sent through them.

“Oh, crap,” Brady and I said in unison.

“Only minutes ago, spectators watched as two unidentified figures seemingly dropped from the sky. They only hung around for a few seconds, but afterwards they darted straight back up into the sky, and all we have to observe are a few amateur videos,” the newscaster went on. “The sight was insane to some people; some saw it as proof of an existence of a god, and some simply shrugged it off as one of the normal crazy happenings of New York. But one thing is for sure – it was indeed inexplicable.

“In other news for today, it seems as though Manhattan has had a crazy day. A fourteen-year-old student has gone missing: Kyle Strickland. Residents are advised to look for an average height, average weight boy with red hair and a gray hooded sweatshirt. A teenager was hit by a truck a few blocks from his apartment complex, though the body has not been identified yet.”

Every angel turned back to look at us, further enhancing my anxiety.

Unconsciously I scooted closer to Brady, as if the height difference between us would remind them that I was still just a kid and couldn’t fend for myself if they decided to kill me. Again.

Heaven was absolutely silent.

Until…uh…

“Braaaadyyyy!” God thundered from Their room.

Brady whimpered. I seriously thought he was gonna cry.

“Um…” I whispered to him. “…Are we in trouble…?”

Brady completely lost it, more nutso than I had seen him up to that point. “NO, Kyle, we’re completely off the hook for breaking one of the most important rules and making a bigger freakin’ scene than we thought!”

I sneered. “Gee, thanks for being nice and calm about it.” I kicked a cloud with my sneaker, growing less aware of the mass of shocked angels in front of me. “Some angel you are.”

The double doors to God’s throne creaked open slowly, taking everybody off-guard. We both turned around and there They were, the light a piercing beam in all of our eyes, scaring the living crap out of everybody in the area.

“YOU TWO HAVE COMPLETELY BROKEN MY RULE,” They boomed. It was like Their voice was on caps lock, and it was enough to make me use my underwear as a toilet. “FOR THIS, YOU’RE BOTH GONNA PAY.”

Brady nearly turned to a puddle of nothing but skin and blood next to me, ‘cause he was shaking so bad, but I stood strong. Despite my skepticism, things were getting clearer, and I was starting to trust this shiny fella a little more.

“Remember what I said about you two figuring out the problem with St. James?!” They continued.

Brady and I nodded rapidly.

“Well, forget what I said about that!”

Everyone cocked their heads at God and looked at Them funny.

“YOU TWO ARE GONNA GO DOWN TO ANTARCTICA YOURSELVES AND GET HIM.”

Brady held up a measly finger in protest. “B-but it’s really c-cold down there…”

“I DON’T CARE HOW COLD IT IS, BRING A JACKET. NO COMPLAINING.”

They were right. I couldn’t complain. From the moment I died, my life would never be the same, obviously. I’d figured that out by then. And what I figured out on our voyage in Antarctica was that the afterlife wouldn’t be the same, either.