You Spurn My Natural Emotions

“Well?” Matt prompted, breaking me out of my thoughts.

I looked up into those eager hazel eyes, and I knew what my answer was.

“N-No,”

“Wait…what?” Matt said, confused.

The hurt seeping into his eyes only made hurt spread across me too. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe after all this time, this is where our relationship is turning. But I should’ve expected it. After all, I am a Hayes daughter. Fucking up is in our blood.

“I can’t…I can’t…I’ve…I’ve got to go,”

And with that, I ran. I ignored mine and Trinity’s car sitting in Matt’s drive and just ran, ignoring the burn in my thighs and the tears running down my cheeks too. I can’t…I can’t do this. I’ve got to get out. I’ve got to get away from Matt and his crazy pressure and his need to settle down. Why can’t he understand I don’t want to change the person I am? Why can’t he understand I can’t change the person I am? Why the fuck did he ever think he could be the one to separate me from my sister?!

Matt wants a girl he can grow old with. Hell, he needs a girl he can grow old with. A girl who is more than willing to settle down, get pregnant multiple times, and have a big ol’ family and a dog with him. I can’t be that girl. I can’t make him happy in the way that he’s pretty much programmed to be. And even if he says he can wait years and years and years for me to be able to settle down with him, I know it’ll be at the front of his mind. Matt’s a traditional kind of guy – he said that the first time I met him. He’s never going to change and I don’t want him to change. If he changed he wouldn’t be the man I love. But my love won’t be enough this time.

I wasn’t surprised to see Trinity pull up in our car as I unlocked the front door.

“Are you going to explain?” she asked, locking the car as she walked into the house behind me.

“How did you know?” I asked, ignoring her question.

Trinity rolled her eyes at me for changing the subject slightly, shutting the front door behind herself.

“Matt came back to the group without you with a dazed look on his face, and immediately downed a can – normal conversations don’t end like that. I figured out that you ran so I drove over. I think Alexis is walking over as well, but I’m not sure,” Trinity shrugged.

Shit. Oh shit.

“What’s going on, Pey?” Trinity asked, worried at my distraught expression.

“I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do this, Trin,” I choked.

For a second Trinity just stared at me. "What can't you do?"

"I can't get live with him. I just can't do it," I cried out.

"So that’s what he asked! Okay…but why did you have to run away?” Trinity asked, confused

"Because Matt wouldn’t take no for an answer! I know he wouldn’t! He’d persuade me with sweet words and those fucking pretty hazel eyes and I’d end up in a house with just him and a few kids and a dog. There’d be a fucking dog! And then we’d buy a people-mover and have to get…married" I ranted, whispering the last taboo word.

Trinity winced at the whispered word – proving my point – before biting her bottom lip. Great, now she starts to think straight. Of course. Of all the years she’s been able to keep her emotions in tact while mine are flying free, you don’t think I could get a break?!

“Have you thought about just…living with him? Without the m-marriage? You don’t know anything until you try,” Trinity shrugged.

She did not just say that.

"You know, you're absolutely right. I don't know what living with someone other than you is like because I've never tried it. You know what else I've never tried? Chewing my own arm off! But I'm pretty fucking sure that's pretty fucking unpleasant too!" I exploded.

"Okay then. We'll get you out of here," Trinity said.

"Just like that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Trinity rolled her eyes, "Yes just like that. You don’t want to live with him, so you’re relationship is pretty much fucked, and then you’ll need out – so I’m giving you out. Where you go, I go – you know that,” Trinity sighed.

“What about Zacky?” I asked.

Trinity bit her bottom lip and swallowed heavily before looking at me.

“He’ll move on,” Trinity finally said.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” I mused.

“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Trinity said with a weak smile.

I laughed bitterly and ran a hand through my hair. Fuck. How did things go from so right to so wrong so quickly? Everything was looking so perfect for us. We finally found somewhere that I thought we belonged. We found our fucking mother, for fuck’s sake. But now…now it’s ruined. And we have no choice.

“Let’s start packing then, yeah?” I said.

Trinity nodded and followed me upstairs. A heavy feeling of guilt weighed me down. I know Zacky is Trinity’s soulmate, and to rip her away like this kills me. But I’m not forcing her to come with me at all, just like she didn’t force me to come with her when we left Newark. And Matt…Matt’s going to hate me for the rest of his life. But I guess I’ll just have to live with that.

We didn’t see Alexis peeking around the doorway, listening to our entire conversation. We didn’t see her leave the house and start running.

*

I threw my last bag in the trunk and quickly jumped in the passenger seat, Trinity starting the engine. This is it. I can’t believe it. Johnny will take care of Alexis, I’m not worried about her. I’m sure one of the guys will let Pete, Annie, Trey, Mae, Neo and Jarl from the bar know that we’re gone. I’m sure everything will be fine.

I’m sure we’re making the right decision.

Trinity backed out of the driveway, tossing our house keys out onto the front yard before starting to drive down the road. She smiled encouragingly at me, and right now I couldn’t ask for a better sister. I did this for her in Newark, so she’s doing this for me right now. Without Trinity, I don’t know what I’d do.

I always liked how our street was narrow and secluded. I don’t now. Why? Because when I saw Matt and Zacky standing in the middle of the road looking pissed, I knew there was no way around them without Trinity hitting them. Shit. How did they even find out?!

“Twinkle twinkle little star, I’ll run you over with my car!” Trinity yelled out the window.

Matt went a little pale, but Zacky held firm, folding his arms over his chest. Holy shit, Trinity! My nails dug into her thigh as we got closer and closer to them. I didn’t want Matt to see the fear in my eyes, so this was all I could think of. Come on…move! Shit, they’re not going to move! Trinity seemed to have the same thought as me because she quickly slammed on the brakes, screeching to a halt mere inches from their knees. Shit. They look even more pissed. Trinity and I didn’t say a word, just glaring up at them as Zacky came to her window and Matt came to mine.

Hah, idiots!

Trinity quickly put her foot down on the gas pedal, and I couldn’t help giggling. They really didn’t think that one through. But then something hit the back window and smashed through, sending glass everywhere. A brick. A fucking brick! MOTHERFUCKER! Trinity stomped on the brakes and got out the car without even cutting the engine. No-one messes with our car. Matt and Zacky swallowed heavily at the murderous look on her face, Matt quickly pointing at Zacky. Of course it was Zacky.

I watched as Trinity punched Zacky straight in the nose, a river of scarlet pouring down his chin immediately.

“Bitch! That’s the second time you’ve fucking broken my nose!” Zacky growled.

“Aww baby, let me break something else then,” she cooed fake-sweetly.

Trinity went to swing her fist again, but Matt wrapped his arms around her from behind, pulling her away. Shit, I’ve got to stop this before the neighbours call the cops. As I cut the engine and pulled up the handbrake, Trinity stomped on Matt’s foot harshly, making him groan and let go of her. She made a move to walk closer to Zacky, but I got out the car and ran over to her, stopping my sister with a hand on her arm.

“We need to get out of here, not be put in jail here,” I said softly, my eyes flicking to Matt, who was crouched down nursing his foot.

“YOU’RE NOT LEAVING!” Zacky yelled, pinching the bridge of his nose to stop the blood flow.

“You can’t stop us,” Trinity hissed.

“If Alexis hadn’t told us your stupid plan, we wouldn’t be able to. But we’re not letting you go,” Zacky retorted angrily, wiping the blood off his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

I clenched my fists the same time Trinity did. Of course, Alexis told them. She must’ve overheard us. Bitch.

“Why are you scared, Pey?” Matt asked.

“I’m not scared. I just realised I was fooling myself into thinking I could lead a normal life,” I replied shortly.

“And why the fuck can’t you lead a normal life?!” Matt exasperated.

“Because I’m not a normal girl, Matt. Surely if you’ve learnt nothing else, you’ve learnt that,” I growled.

“But I thought you loved me,” Matt said softly.

My mouth dried up and I looked away, knowing I would crumble if I answered. He has no fucking idea how much I love him.

“Why are you leaving, Trin? This is Peyton’s problem, not yours,” Zacky asked, glaring at me slightly.

I flipped him off, rolling my eyes. Jerk-off.

“You boys really just don’t know us, do you? Z, wherever my sister goes, I go with her. That’s how it always is, and that’s how it always will be. She needs me, so I’m leaving with her. Blood is thicker than water,” Trinity replied.

“But love is thicker than blood,” Zacky argued.

They just don’t give up, do they?

“If you’re leaving because I asked you to move in with me, then you don’t have to move in. We can just stay as we are. You don’t have to leave,” Matt said desperately.

I shook my head, smiling sadly. Oh Matt.

“Ah, but you see, that’s exactly why I have to leave,” I said with a weak smile, “we won’t just stay as we are. You want to settle down, Matt. That’s the type of person you are, and I would never change that because it’s what makes you amazing. But I can’t ever be the person you need me to be. And slowly but surely we’ll grow apart and your friends will turn against me for making you miserable, and Trinity and Zacky will be caught in the crossfire and will probably end up killing each other. I’m not the girl you need. I’m not the girl you deserve. I’m a Hayes girl, end of,” I said slowly.

Tears filled Matt’s eyes at my words, Trinity taking my hand in hers. She knows how hard all that was for me to say. Even Zacky stayed silent.

“Maybe we have to let you go,” Zacky said softly.

I inhaled sharply, as did Trinity, and Matt’s head snapped towards his friend.

“W-What?” Matt choked.

“If losing Trinity and Peyton means we have more of a possibility of getting them back, then maybe that’s what we have to do,” Zack explained.

“I still don’t get it,” Matt whimpered.

Trinity sadly cupped Zacky’s face with her hands, leaving me to answer Matt. Fantastic.

“I think what Zacky’s trying to say is, we all need a break. Who knows how long for? Everything’s been getting so pressured so quickly, and I think Zacky’s realised we need a breather. I mean, our mom’s here so we’re not going to leave forever, and Alexis is still our sister of sorts. Maybe Trinity and I just need to leave for a while, to sort our heads out,” I said.

“What she said,” Trinity mumbled.

I glanced over my shoulder to see Zacky and Trinity making out passionately, making me chuckle. Of course. Nervously, I looked back at Matt. I’ve never seen so much hurt and heartbreak on someone’s face – and I’ve broken a lot of hearts. It’s never hurt me this much to break anyone, either.

“I’ve got to go, Matt,” I said.

“Please come back. I don’t care how long after, or what you have to do to clear your head. Don’t leave me here alone forever,” Matt begged.

I ignored Trinity’s gagging noises, rolling my eyes. Immature bitch.

“I can’t promise anything,” I whispered.

Even more tears filled Matt’s eyes, only bringing me to the cusp of tears myself. No, I will not cry.

“Look after Alexis for us,” I murmured.

I pecked a kiss to his lips before walking back to the car, not looking back at any point. If I look back, I know I’ll go back. Fuck, what is this?! I squeezed my eyes shut until I heard the driver’s door open and shut. Trinity.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly.

“As okay as I can be right now,” I nodded.

Trinity nodded, glad I wasn’t bullshitting her, and started the engine. I took the chance to look in the wing mirror back at Matt, only to see him drop to his knees like someone had ripped his heart from his chest. That someone is me. A whimper escaped my lips, making Trinity look at me in concern.

“We can stay, y’know,” she said softly.

“No, we can’t,” I said with a weak smile.

Trinity just shrugged, starting to drive off.

“YOU OWE ME A BACK-WINDSCREEN, BAKER!” Trinity yelled out the window.

“WHEN YOU COME BACK, YOU’LL GET IT!” Zacky yelled back, grinning.

I couldn’t help but laugh along with Trinity, shaking my head in amusement. Maybe this isn’t the end. Maybe everything isn’t over. Maybe everything can be fixed.

Maybe.