Memories That Vanished

Johnny carried Vladimir inside and up to his red bedroom so he could rest after the 'exciting' day. I groaned and followed him only to turn into the light blue room that held a lot of memories. I took Landon's favorite blue sweatshirt off of him and placed him in his crib gently. His short hair was sticking to his head with beads of sweat and his hands were curled into little fists as he rolled around in his bed. His pink lips were puckered like he was deep in thought and I smiled at my baby boy, tracing my fingers over his cheek.

I walked out of his room and went down the beige hallway to his older brothers. Johnny was sitting on the edge of Vladimir's bed. The younger boy was sitting up, wrapped in his blankets. They both stopped talking and looked to me when I walked into the big bed room, stepping over numerous toys.
"Morning, baby," I joked as I sat on the floor next to his bed, sending Johnny a small smile.
"Hi Momma," He murmured, sleepily, pushing his hair like he wanted to push it all right off his head.
Johnny stood up slowly and kissed Vlad's head, "Well, I'm going to get going. The guys are waiting in the car,"
I nodded and stood up as well, "I'll walk you out,"
I followed Johnny out of the room and down the stairs. I glanced into the living room as we walked past, seeing the pictures that were nailed into the wall opposite of us. Pictures of my family.
"Bryn?" Johnny's voice cut me out of my thoughts and I turned to the short man. He stood next to the door his hand on the handle. He was looking at me with a look of worry and sorrow. I just nodded and walked to stand next to him. Johnny pulled me into a tight hug and I broke down in sobs again.

"It's okay," He soothed, "You don't have to be strong all the time, Bryn,"
I tightened my arms around his waist and he started raking his fingers through my naturally pale hair, while whispering for me to 'let it all out'.
"I," I hiccuped, "I don't know what to do for the monsters,"
Johnny sighed and pulled back just enough so he could look me in the eyes. I bit my lip in fear of what he was going to say.
"Bryn, there really isn't much you can do,"
I sighed and nodded, "I know," I wiped my tears and sent a concerned Johnny a small smile as I pulled the front door open, noticing the SUV still sitting there.
"I'll see you later, Okay? Love you!" Johnny called as he started walking to the black car.
"Yeah! Love you!" I replied as the back slid open and he hopped in next to Matt, who was laughing loudly at something that either Zacky or Brian said. I smiled at the fact that he seemed happy even with his memory loss and shut the front door.

I spend the next couple of hours in an unwelcome silence. I spend my only time alone in our bedroom, laying on the bed and watching the flat screen t.v that was across from the purple silk sheet, hanging on the wall. And although some murder show was playing I wasn't focused on the crime scene. My thoughts were running away as I laid there on my stomach. I wiped the tears from my cheeks as another memory of Matt popped into my head. The day Vladimir was born. He was born in the middle of a lightening storm in the middle of the day, but neither Matt or I cared, running through the rain and to Matt's car at the time. I remember the pain, of course. But the look on Matt's face when they surprised him with a blue blanket being set in his tattooed arms, that's something that I'll never forget. His ear to ear grin and those deep dimples. The way his eyes lit up when he showed our little boy to me.

Then we we had to pick a name from our list of boy names. It seem like that time flew by but in reality Matt and I laid in that hospital bed together for hours, the baby on Matt's chest as we brainstormed reasons for naming him each name. And around eight AM the next day Matt was still awake, walking in circles with our nameless son in his arms.
I remember that I rolled over and grinned at the sight. Matt walking around talking to his new born son, who laid wide awake and happy in his arms.
"How about Vladimir?" Matt asked and I looked up to him, not knowing that he realized that I was even awake.
"What?" I questioned, my mind not picking up on what he had asked in the first place.
"Vladimir," Matt repeated, walking over to me, "It fits him,"
I looked into the crystal clear eyes and nodded, "Yeah. It does,"
Matt had leaned down and captured my lips in a fiery kiss, his lip ring cool against my piercing-bare lips.
We went home that day. Matt refused for me to do anything but play with Vladimir. But that only bothered me for the first couple of days because eventually Matt would get tired and fall asleep with the baby in his arms and I would pick Vlad up and take him to the room that Matt and the guys had painted, placing him in my lap as I rocked him back and forth with a bottle.

Matt would wake up and walk in, grumbling at how I was supposed to be laying on the couch, resting.
"Oh baby," I would laugh, "I'm fine,"
He would look at me, scrutinizing every thing and then nod, "I know, but I love you,"
"And I love you, Mattie," I would reply as I stood up and placed our newborn son in his crib, Matt's arms finding their way around my waist as we both looked down at our creation, our little monster.

I was brought from reminiscing when the doorbell rang and I cursed under my breath, hoping that it didn't wake either of the boys. The floor was cold against my bare feet as I ran down the wooden steps as fast as I could before who ever it was could touch the bell button again.
I pulled the door opened and shock settled it's self into my system as he smiled at me nervously, his dimples showing, slightly.
"Matt," I stuttered, "What are you doing here?"
Matt looked like he was in his own world for a moment, searching for the words that he couldn't find.
"I," Matt murmured quietly, thinking, "I don't really know. Something just told me I should be here,"
I silently thanked God and shut the door behind me, "Do you have a smoke?" I questioned, sitting down on the front stairs.
Matt was quiet for a moment while he took a seat next to me and pulled his back of Marlboro's from the front pocket of his naturally faded black jeans. He handed me the cigarette wordlessly and kept staring off into the huge front yard.
"How do I know the code to the gate?"
I looked to Matt, shocked as I asked, "What?"
"The gate," Matt repeated, "How do I know the code?"
I clenched my jaw, "Matt you were just here earlier, Brian had to type it in twice, once to let us in and another time to get you guys out,"
Matt shook his head as he lit his own smoke, "He never said it out loud but I come over here, completely forgetting about the locked gate and when I pull up I don't even think twice about punching in, '88461'. It's like my brain knows more then I do, like everything is on the tip of my tongue but I just can't figure out what everything is. I feel like the biggest piece of me is missing and it literally hurts when I try to figure it out," He whispered, puffing away on his smoke.
I took the cigarette from his fingers and put it to my own mouth seeing as mine wasn't lit. I handed it back to his cautiously and he smiled at me uneasily, "Matt, I can't answer that," I stated and he sighed, nodding.
"That's what everyone else told me. But I know it has something to do with you, I can feel it, so I figured that maybe you'd be able to tell me," He sighed, stomping the cig. out in the grass.
"I'm sorry, Mattie," I whispered, resting my head on his broad shoulder.
He nodded, his gaze steady on my face. He looked at me in silence and I just about cried. I shut my eyes when the tears began welling in them.
"Amy said that she knows you from school and that's it. But then you show up at Syn barbie-que and it's like you've been friends with everyone your entire life. I know you guys aren't telling me a lot,"

We sat in silence for minutes before Matt's phone started ringing. He excused himself and started walking down the driveway talking to the person who was on the other line.
I turned around as the front door creaked open and a little voice called my name, "Momma?"
I sighed and nodded as he peaked his head out of the door, "Is Daddy here?" He questioned, walking farther out onto the wooden patio.
"Yeah, baby. But you should go back inside," I told him and he looked at me with a face that could break anyones heart.
"Why Momma? I won't make Daddy more sick!" He promised, closing the door behind him the best he could.
I shook my head and stood up, beginning to pull him back into the large house.
"Momma! I swear!" He screamed, tears falling to his rosy cheeks. His hazel eyes were pained and his lip was quivering.
I kneeled down in front of him, "Okay, It's alright. But baby, you can't call him Daddy, okay?"
He sniveled and nodded, "Why not?"
"Because it'll make his head hurt a lot, okay?"
Vlad nodded and wrapped his little arms around my neck. I picked him up and sat back down on the top step, him in my lap.
I watched as Matt hung up the phone and tucked it back into his pocket. He looked up to me and smiled at the new edition to our little chat. Matt walked quickly back up to us and took a seat next to me, grinning at the little boy as he pulled away from me.
"Hi Vladimir," Matt greeted, waving to the pale blonde little boy.
"Hi!" Vlad shouted, climbing down the stairs and standing in front of Matt.
"How old are you, kid?" Matt questioned, resting his elbows on his knees with a grin on his face.
Vlad sent me a confused looked and I nodded, telling him that it was okay, "I'm six,"
Vlad grinned after the words left his mouth and I looked back and forth between the two wondering how Matt didn't notice the obvious similarities between them.
"What's your favorite color?"
"Red," Both Vladimir and Matt said at the same time. Matt looked astonished at the child in front of him. Matt put his head in his hands and took a deep, uneven breath, his hazel eyes slammed tight.

"Momma," Vlad said concerned while tugging on my shirt.
"Vlad, baby," Why don't you go check on your brother," I murmured, my eyes not leaving Matt's hunched over form as the fit man took ragged breath and pressed his palms against his temples.
"But Momma," Vladimir started to protest,
"Go," I cut him off, "Go check on your brother. He needs you,"
Vlad nodded and ran up the stairs and into the house, looking back at his father the whole time.
I pushed against Matt's shoulder, trying to get him to sit up straight,
"Matt," I called, only to be met with silence as he squeezed his eyes shut tighter. I didn't say anything else until he pulled himself up and looked at me with an apology hidden in his hazel orbs.
"You see!" He cried, "Even things like knowing your kid's favorite color sends my head into pain,"
"Matt," I drew out his name in sympathy, wanting nothing more then to take all the pain away from him. Matt looked to me and bit his lip. He leaned his head towards me, his hazel eyes watching everything. I didn't even move as his lips met mine in a slow, confused kiss. And then I did. I kissed Matt back like my life depended on it and when we pulled away, Matt whispered to me,
"I just felt like I should've of done that. I don't know why,"
"I know," I whispered, the tape that was holding my heart together ripping apart as my heart grew heavy and the pieces fell.