You're Living a Lie, You Just Can't Hide From Me

Natalie had pondered what Garrett said for hours. She'd made herself a promise that she'd never step foot back in Tempe, but then again, she'd also told herself that he'd never be hers. She felt extremely conflicted about the subject matter. No one really knew why she'd left, and even what she'd told Garrett and Jared hadn't really been everything. She'd just been so embarrassed and disgusted with the person she'd become in Tempe.

He wouldn't understand or be able to respect her if he'd known what she left things like. Garrett wouldn't see her the same way and love her as he did. He loved who he thought she was even if it wasn't totally true. She liked to keep some details about herself under wraps. Going back to Tempe would unravel everything and all of the progress she'd made might amount to nothing.

She felt lost and confused about everything. She didn't want to lose him because she did love him in her own way, but going home wasn't really an option. Her parents wouldn't know what to do with her, and everyone knew what she became. She left in order to make the hurting stop and make something of herself, but neither had happened. She didn't know what else could be done, but she refused to bring things to light.

Garrett would be disgusted if he found out the information she hid from him. He didn't know so much and she was afraid of ever telling him. It was a lot of pressure to keep the majority of her life under wraps as she did. No one seemed to question her though. She wasn't the usual suspect, so she could get away with it.

No one would ever expect it from her. No one would ever understand what she had done and the things she'd done it for. She had been more of a party girl than anyone had known, and picked up habits that she swore she wouldn't. It was funny to think that she was the antithesis of everything she'd ever wanted to be.

This was why she wasn't sure of anything anymore. Her relationship with Garrett concerned her because she didn't know if it would last. It couldn't survive the distance, could it? She was nervous. This was the boy she'd always wanted and her first relationship, but she didn't know if she could keep up. He didn't seem to notice her concern or understand the way she seemed to be drifting away from him.

"Natalie," His voice was soft as he lay beside her.

"Gar, I don't think I can go back to Tempe."

"Why not? Your family is there. I'll be there..."

She sighed. "I left for a reason, Garrett."

"Why can't you tell me?" He spoke quietly, stroking her cheek. "Why aren't you letting me in?"

He hated how she was so closed off to him. Garrett didn't understand how she did this or why. He loved her, and there was nothing she could say to change that. It wasn't like she ran away from a pimp or something. He didn't know what could be so terrible that she refused to return home. That she had no interest in seeing her parents or catching up with people from high school. But worst of all, he didn't understand why she wouldn't tell him what the real problem was.

He didn't know what he could say or do to make her let him in. He knew that she didn't trust easily and she had disconnected her mind from her body for the most part. He couldn't give up though because he really loved her. He wanted to get inside her head and finally understand her. He didn't understand why she was like this.

"I'm just afraid." She finally spoke. "Gary, we can't act like this is going to last when you leave."

"I don't want this to end, Natalie. We can do the long distance thing and I could-"

"I'm not naive, Garrett. You're going to forget me as soon as you return home. And when you tour, you'll find another girl in every state. I'm not going to give you my heart just for you to shatter it."

"Natalie, are you even listening to yourself?"

"You probably won't mean to do it." She whispered. "At first you'll call and email, then you'll call less and less... and then you'll meet someone, see her casually while still calling every once in a while and soon, it'll be over and you'll have moved on."

He sighed. "You really don't believe that I only have eyes for you, do you?"

She didn't respond. Natalie had a tendency to prepare herself to be hurt before it happened. When men were lining up to sleep with her, she disconnected her brain from her body. Her mind was anywhere but the present. Her body was just a casing of her soul. Garrett couldn't really love her if he didn't know her. He loved who he thought she was, but pretending was getting harder and harder everyday.

"You're acting like zombies have already eaten your brain, Nat."

"I'm just tired of pretending." She whispered, pressing her face into his chest.

"You don't have to pretend with me." Garrett whispered.

She almost scoffed aloud because he was the one she had to pretend the most with. She'd wanted Garrett for so long and it had caused her to spiral out of control. She needed to feel wanted and loved. She needed the feeling in her veins that someone or something wanted her. He didn't ever notice the way she was or the way she was slowly losing herself.

Garrett knew something was wrong because Natalie's whole demeanor changed. She was oddly awake, always working on her art keeping him at a distance. She was acting a little loopier, and talking faster. She seemed totally lost even as they lay between the sheets. He didn't know what he could do or how he could help her. He didn't know what art school was doing to her, but he didn't like it. He had a feeling it had something to do with the kids.

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She decided that she wanted to speak to Jared and let him help her figure things out. Garrett had been slightly peeved that she was spending one of her only available times to be with him with someone else. He understood that Natalie needed more than just him though. He knew that she wasn't telling him everything and that no matter what he tried, he hadn't been successful. He knew she loved him, but she kept these walls up. He didn't know how he'd be able to get through to her.

She had barely spoken to anyone but Alyssa or Garrett in weeks, it seemed. Every member of the Maine that was at the studio seemed quite shocked that she was there. Garrett and Pat were at the apartment, probably playing video games. She knew that John would be there, and figured it would be the best opportunity to sort things out with him.

No matter how she felt about Garrett, she needed to figure out how she felt about John. The truth was that even as she tried to push him away, she was attracted to him. He was handsome, and talented, and he made her nervous. No matter how she loved Garrett, something about the older boy made her crazy. She'd tried to cover it with disgust, but that wasn't it at all.

Jared and Kennedy had gone for lunch when she arrived at the studio. John didn't even notice her arrival as he sat in the studio, with a guitar in his lap and a notebook by his side. He looked incredibly concentrated and she didn't dare interrupt. All Natalie knew was that she really wanted to know what he was working on. Garrett had mentioned that there would be some songs about her on the CD for obvious reasons, but she wasn't sure if it was true.

Oh she's slipping away
I always reach when I'm thinking of words to say
All the things she does make it seem like love
If it's just a game
Then I like the way that we play

I'm falling in love
But its falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
I'm falling in love
But its falling apart
I need to find my way back to the start
When we were in love
Things were better than they are
Let me back into...
Into your arms
Into your arms

"That was gorgeous." Natalie spoke quietly, approaching him and sitting down beside the singer.

"I wrote it for you." He spoke at the same tone, not daring to look at her.

Her cheeks instantly reddened, even if she'd assumed it was for her, hearing him say it was indeed made her nervous. She felt guilty and horrible for playing a game and making him think it was love. She didn't know that he really felt that strongly for her. The song and his confession had left her speechless. She didn't need to hear the beginning of it or anything else to know that he clearly felt this way about her. He had shocked her and flattered her, but she didn't know what to do.

"J-John." She began.

"Tali, I know you chose Garrett. I'm trying to step aside and accept it, but I can't do that. I'm being selfish and stupid, but I can't stop thinking about you. And I don't want to."

Natalie didn't know what to say, so she stared down at her hands in her lap. Garrett had been the only boy she'd ever wanted but John had changed that. No matter how long she'd wanted Garrett, the older boy had seemingly put a spell on her. She couldn't help herself when it came to him and tried to cover up her attraction. But being alone with him with her boyfriend nowhere nearby, she didn't know if she could stop herself.

He was so charming and awkward, but adorably so. He had startled her with the confession, but she was actually really impressed. He looked nervous, trying to gauge her reaction, his eyes bright green. She smiled at him, letting him take one of her hands in his much bigger one. John smiled at her, his eyes penetrating her own gaze. She felt so defenseless against him, willing to do whatever he so asked.

"Can I tell you something... and not let it leave this room?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." John spoke quietly.

"I... I'm not the person Garrett thinks I am. I'm not the same girl I was in high school, and I think he expects me to be. So, even though I love him, I don't know if I should be with him. I was so delusional and I think he reminds me a lot of the person I left in Tempe." Natalie spoke, unsure how to phase her words. She didn't know if she was even speaking coherently, and though John probably wasn't the person to tell this to, she needed to get it off of her chest. There was a lot of stuff that she'd left and she wasn't sure she could ever explain it to them.

"He really loves you." The boy spoke, sounding broken as he stared at their interlocked hands. "So won't he still love you if he knows who you are now?"

"I don't know if I'm really lovable at all, John. I know that you're attracted to me and Garrett adores me, but I don't know if its the same thing. I don't know if you boys would ever like me if I let you in."

"Well, if you don't give anyone the opportunity, how can you find out?"

Natalie nodded slowly, letting John wrap an arm around her, and pull her against him. She sighed, resting against him. He had a valid point and she was feeling vulnerable. He kissed the top of her head, mumbling sweet nothings. There was something about John that made her feel protected, not that she didn't feel it with Garrett, it just never was the same type of feeling.

He held her close as if someone was going to take her from him. She didn't know why he always made her feel this vulnerable and lost. John always made her feel like a little girl, while Garrett made sure she felt an equal. Perhaps that was why she hadn't been able to brush off him seeing her naked or Garrett not seeming to care about it. She tried to hate him and act as if she wasn't attracted to him at all, but she was. She really, really was and she couldn't help it.

"He won't sleep with me." She finally murmured.

"What?"

"He's trying to be a gentleman. He says he's willing to wait, but I don't want to. As soon as you saw me naked, I was furious that you saw me naked before my boyfriend had. I don't want to wait. I mean, I have needs too."

John almost chuckled, but he kind of understood. Natalie was kind of unreal because she was so beautiful and delicate. Garrett was afraid of hurting her or being just another boy on her list. He didn't want to just fuck because their relationship was more than that. He was trying to be chivalrous and prove himself to her. But when your girlfriend is throwing herself at you, then its time to go along with it. He didn't seem to realize that she already knew that they'd be different.

"You make me feel wanted and whenever I'm around you, I have to cover that up because if I don't then I'll break Garrett's heart. Because I want you too, John. I know I shouldn't, but I do." She whispered. "I can't help but feel needed and wanted when you're around... It scares me that you-"

John didn't answer, just pressed his lips to Natalie's for a quick kiss. She pulled away, looking away from him. A soft "no" left her lips as she looked away, taking a deep breath. She had no idea what was happening or why she didn't really want to stop it. She wasn't sure she could stop herself, but she didn't want to hurt Garrett. It wasn't her plan to hurt him. But she couldn't do this anymore. She wasn't worthy of love, and she didn't deserve Garrett.

"Natalie," John breathed. "I want you. I don't care who you are, I will always want you."

The words made her melt. That was all she needed to hear. With those words, she was straddling John's lap as their lips pressed together in a heated makeout. Surprisingly neither party felt bad, just concentrated on each other. Neither was thinking of consequences or who they were hurting. The way he's kissing ignite every nerve in Natalie's body, leaving her clutching onto him as if she needed him to survive.

"I want you." She whispered, looking him in the eye.

"What about Garrett?"

"I don't care at the moment."

"A-Are you sure?"

"He won't fuck me, John. I need it. Baby, please?"

The singer stared at her, absolutely conflicted. Here, they were already betraying Garrett by making out like this, but was John really that much of an asshole to sleep with his friend's girl? Could he really do this and forgive himself? He really wanted Natalie, as he always had, but he wasn't sure he could forgive himself for even considering hurting Garrett.