Freedom to Starve

Devastation. It’s a funny thing. One day you can be on the top of the world, doing everything you could ever want to do with your best friends. Then the next day, devastation takes it all away, your entire world can fall apart within a matter of seconds. There’s so many emotions you feel. Anger, sadness, hopelessness, confusion. The worst part about this thing though is that it can take on so many forms and mean a different thing for each person involved.

Looking around, Zack’s heart seemed to break all over again as the pain present on each attendee’s face hit home. The drummer's mother had turned to her husband for comfort, burying her head in his chest; the pain of watching her own son being lowered into the ground too much to bear. He bit into his lip as his eyes came to his boyfriend’s face, eyes covered by his aviators. The sunglasses did little to hide the tears that were trickling down his cheeks or to quiet the bitter sounds of grief accompanying them.

An arm wrapped itself around his shoulders and for that he was thankful, a thin, half smile making a brief appearance on Zacky’s lips before it dropped. There was little emotion behind the one-armed hug, Brian too lost in his own grief to focus anything on his boyfriend at the moment. Blaming him wouldn’t be justified and as the thought dawned on him, he shook his head sadly and turned away.

Refocusing on the scene before him, a lump forming in his throat as he took in the sight of his friend’s casket in the ground. Zacky took a deep breathe before moving forward, kneeling and letting the rose fall from his hands, landing on the casket lid. “We’ll miss you bro and y’know, I plan on kicking your ass for leaving so early when I join you,” he whispered, that half smile returning for a brief moment before he stepped back and took his spot next to Brian once again.

Barbara stepped up to the head of the grave, all eyes shifting to focus on her. Zacky bit into his lip, moving a bit closer to his boyfriend and closing his eyes for a brief moment. Brian’s fingers tightening around Zacky’s shoulders. Biting into his lip, Zack looked up to his significant other and raised an eyebrow before whispering, “you okay?” His only response was a nod of Brian’s fedora covered head.

Once Jimmy’s mother was finished, Brian stepped forward and pulled her into a tight hug, murmuring a few words of comfort despite his condition. The band followed his example, the wives and Johnny’s girlfriend behind them. Standing around for a few moments, they all decided to head to Matt’s house just so none of them would be left alone.

Zack hesitated as he looked over to his boyfriend before reaching into Brian’s pocket and pulling out the keys. He didn’t think it would be safe for him to drive in the state he was in. “Come on, I’ll drive,” he said, taking the other’s hand and leading him to their car. He pulled Brian into a hug once they reached the car, leaning forward and capturing the other’s lips in kiss.

“I love you, Zack. I really do,” Brian whispered against his lips, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders, his forehead resting against Zacky’s.

“I love you, too,” Zacky returned, leaning into Brian’s chest and wrapping his arms around Brian’s neck as Brian relocated his arms to the rhythm guitarist’s shoulders. Not another word was spoken, Brian took a step back and gave a nod of his head, leaning to give his boyfriend another kiss before opening the car door and sliding inside.

Zacky pulled up to Matt’s house behind the rest of the band and the few other people that had chosen to return to the house so they wouldn’t be left alone to their own devices. The Berry brothers, the Gera brothers, their women, and a select few other people. This wasn’t set to be a happy occasion or one with a lot of people, the men and women involved just wanted to be near their close friends as they tried to grieve.

Turning the car off, Zack pushed open the car door and stepped out, heading around to the other side of the car. He opened Brian’s door for him, biting down on his lip. Studying Brian’s face for a moment, he realized fresh tears hadn’t fallen in a few minutes at least. His cheeks had dried despite how swollen and bloodshot his eyes were, he had removed his aviators once they’d gotten into the car.

Brian laced his fingers with Zack’s and walked with him to Matt’s front door that was now hanging open to allow the trail of people inside.