Take This To Heart

We had everything packed and down in the lobby. Alex, Jack and Zack were down there waiting and talking to Mona while I broke the news to Emma: that I was leaving for good.

I knocked softly on her door. “Come in!” She yelled. I pushed it open. She was playing with some dolls, dressing them up and making the Ken doll tell Barbie that she was really pretty. I smiled softly at her.

“Hey, Emma.”

“Birdie!” She screamed, flinging herself at me in a hug. “I missed you! I looked everywhere for you, but I couldn’t find you!”

The smile on my face faltered. “Well, Emma, in that case, you’ll be missing me a whole lot.”
She snuggled into me. “No I won’t ‘cause tonight we’re going to play with my dolls together! Just like last year at Christmas, you remember?”

I nodded, hugging her small form close. “Yeah, Ems, I remember. I hate to break this to you, but Emma, I won’t be here tonight.” Her confusion was evident. “Or the next day. Or the next.”

Her lower lip trembled.

“But the day after that, right, Birdie? Right?”

I shook my head and kissed the top of her hair. “Emma, I’m going away for a while with Alex and Jack. For a long time.” I paused. She sniffled and I could tell she was trying hard not to cry. “He’s going to be my new Dad.” Man, those words felt weird coming from my mouth.
She clutched onto my shirt for dear life, just as she had that night she’d slept in my bed. “Emma, its okay,” I patted her back as she started to sob.

“You’re leaving just like my Christine!” She squealed. Her breath was becoming shallower and shallower and her heart rate was speeding.

“Shh.” I tried calming her. “Shh. Shh.” I rocked her back and forth, but she wouldn’t be calmed. She started screaming and sobbing, “No! No! No!” all over again, repeating it time after time until I had an audience gathered. Sara-Leigh was there as were two other kids whom I didn’t know the names off. Mona came rushing into the room then.

She attempted to pry Emma from my shirt, noticing the news was only upsetting Emma, not preparing her. Mona shooed me away, mouthing for me to go back downstairs as Emma had her arms outstretched towards me, yelling for me not to go and that she was sorry. For what, I didn’t know. I was sure she’d done nothing, but thought it was her fault I was leaving and just wanted me to stop.

I sighed, walking away, trying to block out her pleas. All I wanted to do was pick her up, swing her around and tell her she could come with me. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t my place.
And it was killing me.

Down stairs, I ran a hand through my hair and started pacing back and forth. Zack dropped a hand on my shoulder. I stopped, but didn’t look up. Zack squatted down to my height and looked at me, trying to get my attention. “She’ll be fine, Phoenix. She’s just attached.”

I nodded.

“You were that close to her, huh?” He asked, standing back up.

I nodded again. “She’s the little sister I never had.”

He led me to my bags as Jack and Alex packed my stuff into the cramped car. “That sucks man.” He voiced. I nodded again.

They had everything packed up and Alex came in fallowed by Jack. The only thing they were waiting on was for me to say goodbye to Mona. She came back down moments after I’d left Emma.

She looked at me with tired eyes and opened her arms, waiting for a hug. I ran at her and threw my arms around her small frame. She was taken aback, by my force, but when she recovered, she hugged me equally. She pulled away all too soon for my taste.

She ran a hand through my hair. “You need a haircut.” It wasn’t that long, but I knew she was stalling. “Ohh, I’m going to miss you.” A tear glistened in her eye. She wiped it away, giving a small laugh. “What can I say, Phoenix Envy? You’ve grown on me! And you’re the one with Separation Anxiety.”

I smiled at her. “I’ll call, I promise.” I looked around. “I’m going to miss this place.” I peeled myself away from her grip and walked over to the corkboard with all the little kids’ drawings.

One in particular caught my attention.

Two stick people. One in blue and the other in purple. The grass was scribbled in and a house was too the side with smoke coming from the chimney. You could see other stick figures poking their heads out the widow. They were smiling, as were the two lone figures that were outside. A grey cloud was over them, however, but their smiles were genuine for a stick figure’s smile. Above the clouds was another stick figure…with wings. That stick figure was red and labeled ‘Christine’ in messy writing. The purple figure was labeled ‘Emmaa’ (She’d put an extra ‘a’ on the end of her name).

The blue figure was me. I started crying silently.

Alex noticed and jogged over to my trying to comfort me. “Hey, hey, its okay.” He noticed what I was focused on. He squeezed my shoulder. “She’ll be fine. You both will.” I grabbed onto his hand.

“I promised her a family, Alex. What am I supposed to do?”

He sighed. “Do you know how foolish that was to promise her something like that?”

I nodded. It was stupid. And I was being outlandish to promise her a family. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t in my right mind then.

In a sudden act of overwhelming guilt and sadness, I pulled a chain from around my neck.

The charm it held wasn’t even a charm, but it was close enough. I sighed and placed the necklace in Mona’s hand. “Give that to Emma. Tell her to keep it safe. That its from a very nice guy who gave it to me, so keep it safe.” Mona nodded, clutching the chain and watching as we left.

Alex led me out the car and we all got in, but before I did, a flicker of movement caught my attention. Staring down at me from the second story was Emma. She lifted a hand as a way to tell me everything. That she’d miss me. That she didn’t want me to go. That she wished me the best of luck. And that if it was possible, and it would make me stay, I was the only family she’d ever need.

I lifted my hand in parting as well.