Take This To Heart

When I got home from Wal-Mart, I ran to the phone at the desk that Mona had been using a few hours before and checked the missed calls. When she walked in she quickly unplugged the phone, saying "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You know the rules! You're not allowed to mess with the staff phones unless its an emergency or you have permission. This is staff phones, my friend."

"Mona," I whined. "I need to see if they called." My eyes, I knew were begging. Mona sighed, plugged up the phone and pulled me behind the desk. "Phoenix." I looked away. "Phoenix Envy, please listen to me." I looked at her. She sighed, looking away before holding my focus. "Envy, they left this…" She pulled out a package. An envelope thick with paper inside. I pulled it out of her hand and looked inside.

A wad of cash and notebook was inside. I took out the notebook. It was thin. Two thin and only held a few pages in it. I flipped it open to the first page to reveal a letter scribbled in it. It must have been five pages long, front and back, but I wanted to puke. It was the same scribbled handwriting on his other letter from Alex…with the exception of Jack's handwriting.
The first two words were: I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry about what," was what I wanted to ask, but the answer was clear: Alex was sorry, but no thanks, he couldn't take in me. I dropped the notebook and ran up to my room, fighting tears. It seemed as if I was doing that a lot now. I found the fake note Mona had gave me and looked up the phone number he'd left me.

I wrote it on my hand and grabbed on of the cordless phones that sat in the hallway for personal use. I grabbed it, ran back to my room in the middle of dialing, and sat in front of my door so no one could enter.

I received a voicemail. The machine talked. "Hey, this is Alex. If you get this, its clear I didn't pick up or didn't want to talk to you. Ex-girlfriends, take your pick. Lol. Anyways, do your thing at the beep. Talk to you later."

The beep sounded and I started speaking, recording a message that maybe he'd get one day. Or never. His choice. "Alex, I-" My voice cracked. "I know what's going on. Why didn't you just write it in the letter. I get it that you don't want me. You don't want my past to deal with. I get it." I gasped for air as I began sobbing. "It's okay. I don't hate you, just so you know. I wish-" My voice cracked again. "I just wish I could have someone that actually was serious about this adoption thing. Next time, don't bother making someone's life a haven then leave and tear it up. Just don't. See ya. Or not. Whatever." By the time I'd finished my message, I was bawling and the phone was all wet with tears. I wiped it off on my shirt only to realize that it was on that they'd gotten for me. I took it off quickly and threw it to the other side as if it might hurt me.

After that, I'd had enough and I grabbed the bottle of pills that I'd had hidden earlier. I unscrewed the top and dumped a handful into my mouth before I even knew what I was doing. At the moment, going to sleep and never waking up seemed like a good idea.