Be With Me

“I don’t think that would be a good idea Natalie,”

“Oh, okay” her voice matched the awkwardness that had filled the air. “Well then it’s safe to say that there’s no reason for me to stay any longer,”

Before I could open my mouth Natalie was halfway down the hallway. I didn’t bother to stand up. I listened to her footsteps take her farther away from me. The sound of the apartment door closing confirmed that she was gone. I sat on the end of my bed listening to the silence of the apartment. I couldn’t describe what I was feeling if I tried. Too many thoughts and emotions were floating around to pinpoint just one.

I knew this was the right thing to do. Being around Natalie was entirely too tempting for me. No matter what I told myself, I couldn’t deny the facts. I was attracted to Natalie and we had a history, a deep history. It was insane for me to think that I could be around her and nothing would happen. The few times that I had been around her were evidence that Natalie had a hold over me. I couldn’t risk putting myself in another compromising position like I had last night. Who knows what could have happened? If I kept this up, I was risking loosing Vanessa. I loved Vanessa. I wanted to be with her, nothing was worth losing her. We were building a life together. I’m risking losing the life I have now for a life that I once had. No good could come from that.

Yet, I couldn’t fight the feeling that I had just made a mistake.

A knock on the door brought me out of my trance. I glanced over at the clock on my nightstand; 45 minutes had gone by since Natalie had left. I didn’t understand how I could have spent so much time just sitting and thinking.

I opened the door without asking who it was; I was distracted by my thoughts. My eyes widened as I stared at the person in my doorway. The corners of my lips formed a smile as I punched Ryan in his chest.

“Ever hear of calling first,”

“What’s the point, Vanessa is out of town. Besides she’s the one that told me to stay here so move,”

“Whatever dude,” I laughed.

I moved as Ryan brought his suitcases inside. I wasn’t surprised that Vanessa had called him and told him he could stay here while he was in town. She wanted to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything wrong while she was away. Little does she know that’s exactly what I had been doing since she was gone. I didn’t mind, she had the best of intentions.

“Oh God, this place looks like Vanessa,” Ryan spoke observing the place. “It looks like she just took over,”

“It’s her place,”

“No it’s YOUR place. I don’t see any of you in this apartment,”

“That’s cause I’m all over the bedroom,”

We both laughed as he dapped me up. The next few hours were spent bonding between the two of us. Ryan and I hadn’t been together since I moved to New York. I saw him more often because of Sabrina, but usually Vanessa was around so we never had guy time when we hung out.

“Alright, Man” Ryan sat the controller down on the TV “You know what I have to ask you,”

I didn’t answer, I never knew what to expect when it came to Ryan. Life was always easier when I just let Ryan be Ryan.

“Sabrina told me, you ran into Natalie the other day”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, unlocking it, and I allowed my fingers to roam the screen aimlessly. With a mere shrug of my shoulders, I acted as if Ryan’s statement meant nothing to me. Almost as if he had told me something that I was use to hearing every day. In fact, I was trying to appear as if his question hadn’t rattled me.

“So, what did you do about it? What did you two say to each other? I know you’re going to tell me the entire story,”

“Nothing happened” I lied.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell Ryan everything that had happened. I could barely process everything that happened, how could I bring myself to tell Ryan what happened. His reaction would be worse than mine. I didn’t need anyone else’s opinion right now clouding my thoughts.

“Bullshit,” he countered “Something always happens” If he only knew.

“I’m telling you nothing happened,” this couldn’t be truer. I was telling him that nothing happen. Whether or not something actually happened was debatable.

“Well something is going to happen right?”

I gave him the dumbest look that I could muster up. “Excuse me?”

He returned the look that I had just given him. “You’re going to meet up with her sometime soon right?”

“Look,” my voice immediately became serious. I stood up, staring directly at Ryan. “Vanessa is my girlfriend. She is my current and my future. Natalie is old news. Whatever happened between us is over and done with. Now drop it,” If only I could convince myself.

“More bullshit” he stood up so that we were eye to eye.

“Why do you insist on lying to me? I know you’re lying to me, and don’t tell me that you’re not. Want to know how I know; because Natalie is the one that got away. She’s not just another girl you dated. She’s your first love, the one that broke your heart, the one you use to wish you could have back for just one more day. I remember when we would have those stupid ass sappy conversations and you would tell me that all you wanted was for Natalie to say that she loved you. You said if you could hear it just once you would be fine. So don’t fucking stand here and tell me that you don’t want that chance now because you do”

I groaned as I started to walk away from him. He couldn’t have been more right, and that was the problem. I didn’t need someone telling me to go after her. It had taken me long enough to get over, and even longer to find someone else. Now that I finally had, why should I mess that up?

I opened my fridge and pulled out a can of sprite. Ryan stood in the doorway waiting for a response.

“I’m with Vanessa now,” I took a sip of soda without looking at him

“Fuck her,” I quickly shot him a harsh look. He held up his hands in defense. “Okay, sorry. But I know you’re not going to tell me that you’re going to let an opportunity like this just pass you by. You have literally been given a second opportunity to get with that and you’re actually considering not taking it”

“Because I have a girlfriend, who I currently live with and may want to marry,” I didn’t want to just stress this point to Ryan, I wanted to stress it to myself as well. The more I said it, the more likely I was to believe it. The more I believed it, the less trouble I would get myself into.

“You have a girlfriend who isn’t here. A girlfriend who left shortly after you ran into your ex. It’s like the planets are aligning so that you can have a second chance,”

I remained silent. He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Think about it this way, it is a relationship tester for you and Vanessa. If you hang out with Natalie and you realize that you’re over her, then you really are ready to spend the rest of your life with Vanessa. But if you still have feelings for Natalie then it’s time for you reevaluate your relationship. Besides, what if she still has feelings for you that could mean you get the I love you that you always wanted,”

I involuntarily swallowed. What if she did have feelings for me? Could that be possible?

“So, what you’re going to do is go in your closet, figure out what you’re going to wear tonight because we’re going to the club with Natalie and Sabrina”