Sexy? Why yes I am.

I woke up to my phone buzzing beside me, I opened it to see a text message from Nadia, “Nate, I’m here.” That was all she texted me, nothing else. It’s as if she knows what I’ve been doing, this isn’t good. I’ve never said no to Nadia when it came to sex, simply because we were fuck buddies. If I were to refuse, she’d take it as a game. If I told her I was serious, I don’t think she would care either way. The fact that she is here, means I’ll have to tell Vonia about certain things of my past. I know Nadia won’t care if Vonia is standing there when she jumps on me and kisses me. I guess I’m a bit afraid of the steps Nadia will actually take in order to get Vonia to leave me. Nadia might even bring up Ava to Vonia. I might as well be the first to tell her about Ava.

I got up and got ready as quickly as I could, taking my shower, doing my hair, dressing myself up. I placed the keys on the counter and sent a text to Dolly saying she should go on ahead. I then slipped my way out of the house ever so silently, and walked over to Vonia’s place.

I knocked on the door lightly, and within a minute she answered.

“You’re up early.” said Vonia smiling.

“I was hoping we could just skip school today.” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Well, I think I’m ready to open up to you, and an hour before school won’t do it for me.” I said. Vonia’s been trying to get me to talk about my past ever since we started to date. She’s told me a lot about her life, and I knew she did that because she thought maybe at some point I’d open up and talk about mine. The truth is I never wanted to remember my past, the memories, really, who would want to remember the shit I went through with my first love Ava?

“Alright, we’ll skip, but you have to tell me, okay?” she said.

I smiled and walked inside her home and when she turned around after shutting the door, I pushed her against the wall and kissed her passionately.
She kissed me back, and then smiled and told me to hold on, and then she ran upstairs. She wasn’t exactly ready, so I took as she wanted to finish.

She came down the stairs in a tight fitted red shirt, and black skinny jeans, with a fresh pair of new silver snake bites and her helix. Her long lashes and that rose tattoo on her neck always gets me going. She grabbed my hand and we walked out of the house together. We got in her car, and neither of us said a word. I figured she was taking us to her special spot, so we could talk. She drove with one hand, and held mine with the other, tightly. It was probably to comfort me, she probably thinks I’ve had a bad past since I didn’t open up to it, but, if she thinks this then maybe deep down inside her, she’s already come to understand me, err, well, I’m hoping.

We stopped at the spot I thought we would end up stopping. We both got out and started to walk into the gigantic field of green grass, hand and hand. We ended up sitting on a tree that had fallen over; it was a pretty good seat.

“Well, I’m ready when you are Nate.” She said with a smile, her eyes gleaming.

I can’t believe how happy she is that I’m opening up. She’s ready when I am? I’m never ready. I never wanted to do this shit ever again, ever. I have to now though, because of all these stupid worries that I wouldn’t care about if she didn’t mean something to me.

“Well…” I said.

I have no damn idea on how to start this out. Fuck. I’m going to have to sugar coat things, but, when I’m actually being honest about this kind of shit, I prefer to be blunt about it, but right now, I just can’t do it.

She kissed my lips gently and then held my hand and looked into my eyes, “Come on love.”

She’s WAY to good for me.

“I used to be a bit of a player in my past.” I started out saying. A bit? More like a lot.

She nodded; her hand was holding mine tightly.

Let’s see how long it takes for her to loosen her hand on mine. She might be acting like she’ll understand, but… the fact of the matter is, the truth hurts. Can she really handle hearing it?

“I used to be a really great guy. That is, until I met my first love, Ava.” I said. Ava’s name leaving my lips brought back many horrible memories all at once.

“What did Ava do to you?” she asked.

“She had long black hair, and her eyes always shined a certain charming way. I met her at school, she was in one of my classes, and she was the new girl that was officially hanging out with my group. It was like we had a connection when we first saw each other, and we ended up spending most of our time together from that point on. There are a lot of things she hid from me about herself. All I ever really saw from her was her good side, and not much of her bad side. I thought even if I hadn’t seen much of it, it would still be okay, because I’d love her either way. I knew I wasn’t perfect, so I knew she wouldn’t be either, and I was good with that. What I ended up finding out when we started dating, was that she was a liar, and an incredible liar at that. Man, I could never tell when she was, and wasn’t lying. She stole a few things from my room before, and when I confronted her about it, she’d scream at me for not trusting her. She’d lie about being sick, which she often said she was, in reality she was about partying and grinding up against other men who were way older then her. Still, whenever I asked her about it, she’d simply yell at me for not trusting her. Then she’d threaten to break up with me. So naturally, I’d back out and let her have her way.” I said.

“Why would you stay knowing she was doing all those things?” asked Vonia with a concerned look on her face.

“I thought it was my fault. I used to sit in my room asking myself questions. Why can’t she go out and party with me? Am I not good enough? What’s wrong with being with me? I’d ask that every day and new questions would be asked as time progressed.” I said sighing.

“I wasn’t the guy that I am today. I didn’t do sports, I didn’t have this colored hair, and I didn’t have muscles back then. I was just an average looking guy. I guess I wasn’t all that special, but I thought I was special enough to the point of being loved by the one person I wanted. I didn’t have much money, but when I did have money on me I was spending it on her. There was always something she wanted, and somewhere she wanted to go, and she had no intention of paying for any of it that was my job. I walked in on her fucking another man, and I forgave her for it, she begged, and whenever she begged I always caved in to what she wanted. I forgave her because she was afraid I was going to leave her and I couldn’t really bare to see her in pain. I didn’t really have it in me to walk away from the girl I had fallen so deeply for. The second time she did it, I beat the guy, and once again, I forgave her.” I said and looked down to see Vonia was still holding my hand tightly, and I couldn’t help but to smile. I sure hope she keeps holding on.

“I wanted to understand where the girl I had met went. She changed so quickly once I asked her out; it was like since she had me, she didn’t have to try. I guess. She’d get drunk sometimes, and I’d be there to take her home, or to my place if she wanted to instead. I remember being upset one night and going straight to the party I knew she had gone too. I was angry, and tired of her lying to me about being ‘sick ‘ I wanted us to have a better relationship, and I finally found it in me to just, make an effort and go a step further then I was willing to go because of my fear of her leaving me. When I walked in, the first thing I saw was her making out with some guy, I was holding back the tears. I really was. I had forgiven her so many times, I had tried so hard to repair our relationship, and all she could do was fuck it up more, and make me work even harder to repair it. The guy was at least twenty five years old, and he was a bulky guy with a lot of muscle on him. For me, I wasn’t afraid of him, I was only angry. I yelled out her name, and she looked right at me, I knew she was drunk. Turns out, she told the guy that I was her boyfriend she couldn’t leave because I wouldn’t let her leave me. She told him I beat her, she told him the cuts on her arms, were something I did. Do you know why she started cutting in the first place?” I asked Vonia without looking at her.

“For attention?” asked Vonia.

“To make me feel guilty, that’s why she cut,” which is also the reason why I now don’t like sticking around girls who have problems like that… , “She told the man I would tie her up and cut her when she didn’t listen to me. I don’t know why he would believe that, I wasn’t very strong back then at all. I think he believed it so easily because he was drunk as well. Ava only pointed at me and looked at him and told him I was the boyfriend. She started to cry, and hold onto him tightly. It got my blood to boil. When I told her to stop lying, he got up and punched me in my gut. I fell to the ground, and man, I thought that was all I was getting. It wasn’t though; he dragged me out of the place, and down an ally. He beat me, and I did fight back, but I really should’ve just laid there and took the beating, because I didn’t make any progress in getting out of there. My hits didn’t get him, and when they did, it didn’t have much of an effect on him. When I gave up, he shoved his leg against my body, and broke one of my ribs, after that he walked away. I saw Ava from the corner of my eye coming out from behind the wall with tears dripping down her face. She was mumbling how sorry she was, when I reached out, asking for help. She said her parents would get mad at her, and she turned and walked away.” I said and then I turned my head to look at Vonia, she had tears slipping down her face, and I wiped one of them away. She won’t be crying for me for long, soon enough she’ll be crying because of everything else she hears.

“How cruel.” said Vonia biting her lip hard. I could tell she was angry.

“I managed to take out my phone and call my best friend Rei, unfortunately my phone fell apart after that call. I spent a week in the hospital, and when I got back home, I had about a hundred texts from Ava on my new phone my Mom had gotten me while I was at the hospital, telling me to stop ignoring her. I don’t know why the fuck she would think I was ignoring her. You’d think she’d just assume I was in the hospital because of what that guy did to me. We ended up meeting up that day, and we fought. She told me it was my fault for showing up from the start, and she told me I was a bad boyfriend. I don’t know how I was a bad boyfriend; I had done so much for her. I started to believe everything was my fault eventually, she just said it so much, that soon enough I was feeling like it was all the truth. I received my second beating because of her a few weeks later. I was trying to grab her away from a man she was about ready to fuck, he wasn’t too happy about some guy he didn’t know she was dating coming up and telling him to back off. It’s actually somewhat funny to me, because my rib had just healed, and I started to dedicate myself to working out. This time I laid there in the ally just wishing for death. Ava didn’t leave me right away this time; she actually held me in her arms. She was asking me to not die. She told me that if I did, she’d leave me, it was a threat I’ve heard from her so many times, that I simply laughed and then I blacked out.” I said, and then I looked up at the sky, and then back down at the ground.

“Ava was really sweet to me for a good week. I thought I had gotten back the girl I had asked out, but, that wasn’t true. It turns out she was only being so sweet because my best friend Rei told her if she didn’t start being good to me, she’d tell her Mom. Rei basically lied and told my girlfriend that she had a tape of her watching me getting beat and walking away. Ava wasn’t so sweet after that week; she left me for another guy. I was miserable for months, and I saw them together all happy and everything. I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t remain that way with me. I thought that she’d put him through hell like she did with me, yet all I saw was there happiness. It didn’t last between them though. She came knocking on my door in the middle of the night with tears streaming down her face asking me to take her back, and repeating that she loved me over and over. I promised myself I wouldn’t take her back, and I didn’t have too. The next day the guy she was dating came knocking down my door. She told him I was the reason why she was dumping him. I beat him in a fight, but I lost once he got his friends. She’d walk off with the victories guy. Now, you’d ask why I didn’t leave. It was because I was in love with her, and all the things she did happened over the course of our relationship, not one day after another. I did a lot for the girl I loved; I was willing to do anything for her.” I said sighing and then I continued on.

“I was moving away, within that month. I was extremely depressed, and angry. She did a lot to me, but for revenge I did something back, probably the worst thing you can do to a girl. You know, it wasn’t exactly intentional from the start, but the end of what I did was.” I said biting my lip and looking at Vonia, and looking into her grayish silver wet eyes.

“What did you do Nate?” said Vonia, and I went silent. She grabbed my chin and told me to look into her eyes, and I did.

“Nate, what did you do?” She asked me once more in a stern voice.

“I…” I couldn’t finish the last part of this piece of the past of mine. I did something bad to Ava, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for it.

“I got her pregnant, and I sure as hell didn’t mean too. She didn’t want to use a condom that day, and I just went with what she wanted to do. I didn’t mean to get her pregnant, but I did purposefully leave her to care for a baby on her own. I knew her family wouldn’t be able to afford an abortion, and instead of taking responsibility, I texted her saying, “You’re on your own Ava. I’m not doing anything for you anymore. You should learn how to own up to the things you’ve done, and take responsibility. I guess you’re getting of taste of pain you gave me in this relationship we had. Be happy this is the only bad thing I’ve ever done to you in our entire relationship. I hope you grow up quick Ava, I seriously do. Have a nice life. Love, Nate.” What I meant by bad, I meant leaving her, not getting her pregnant. I thought her getting pregnant was both our faults. My new phone was deactivated that day because my Mom wanted me to get a new one in the new place we move to. The next day I was in the car and my Mom started pushing on the gas. I looked back at my old house to see Ava standing there with her phone in one hand and tears falling down her face as she ran after the car. She never did catch up to the car.” I said and then looked over at Vonia, her hand had loosened against mine, and soon enough she slipped her hand away from mine.

I shook my head, See? I knew she wouldn’t be holding onto my hand after I told her this. The worst part is, I haven’t even told her about Nadia yet.

“You fucking left a girl who was beyond fucked up, to take care of a child. How could you leave your kid knowing it would have such a fucked up Mother Nate? Did you ever once consider this baby?!” said Vonia as she stood up and screamed at me.

“You’re telling me you have a kid out there?! Are you fucking serious? Nate, she did a lot of shit to you, but Nate, more than anything in the world right now I feel bad for that child. That baby could’ve had at least one good parent, at least!” yelled Vonia.

I didn’t speak.

“Please tell me she texted you saying she put the baby up for adoption.” said Vonia looking intensely into my blue eyes.

“NATE, FUCKING TELL ME!” she yelled, and I stood up as she started to punch my chest.

“I got a new number and phone, so if she did text me, I didn’t get it. I haven’t the slightest clue on what she did with our kid.” I said.

Vonia bit her lip hard and looked into my eyes and started to punch my chest harder. I let her. I then grabbed her wrists as she tried to calmly tell me to let go.

“Vonia, I’m being honest with you about my past. You need to understand I’m just being honest with you with the things I’ve done in my past. If you can’t calm down, then maybe telling you other things of my past isn’t a good idea.” I said.

Vonia stopped struggling against me.

“I started to do things Ava did to me in the past. I changed drastically after we moved. I became a player, and I dated a lot of girls. I haven’t had a serious relationship since Ava; that is till I met you.” I said, and Vonia stopped looking straight at my chest, and looked up into my blue eyes with her wet grayish silver eyes. I let go of her wrist, and caressed her cheek and kissed her lips gently.

“What else is there to tell me Nate.” She said in a low voice.

“I never really had a girl in my life for that long, other than my two sisters. Before I moved here, I had a fuck buddy, which I ended it with, but…” I said looking away from her eyes.

“You’re kidding.” She said.

I turned my head and then licked my lips before looking back into her eyes.

“She’s moving down here because she wants me again.” I said.

“Fuck you.” said Vonia in a mumble with her head down, she was clenching her fists together.

I blinked, “What?” I asked confused. I didn’t understand what she was saying that too. Me or the past? Well, Nadia is the most recent …

“Vonia?” I put my hand on her shoulder only to have it slapped away.

“I’ve only scratched the surface of your past, haven’t I?” she said.

I sighed, “I’ve told you the major things I’ve done.” I said.

“You were a player.” She said.

I nodded, and then Vonia looked up with the angriest look in her eyes, and then slapped me across the face.

My eyes went wide.

“A player hurts a lot of girls. I thought you deserved to have that at least.” She said in a sudden calm voice, her eyes showed a lot of pain. She sympathize with the girls I’ve hurt in the past, even though she doesn’t know them. She must’ve been played by a guy in the past, she’s beyond upset.

Vonia then walked away from me. I watched her walk away from me stunned, and then when I felt her getting too far, I ran after her.

“Vonia, please, I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to leave me because of shit in the past. I really, really…”

“You really what?” she snapped back saying, and then kept on walking.

She got into the car and when I tried to open the passenger’s side, it was locked.

I stood there with my head against the window and my hand on it too.

I was mumbling, “Please,” repeatedly and I didn’t realize it, until she finally looked over at me.

“Nate.” was all she had to say to me, and I backed away from the car and watched her drive off.

I couldn’t tell her that I loved her. I wanted too, so damn badly. It’s a word I haven’t said to anyone in so long.

When I could no longer see her car, I walked back over to the spot, and fell back onto the grass and closed my eyes, and put my arm over my eyes.

I was thinking maybe I should’ve only told her about Nadia, but that would mean she could hear about something terrible I did from someone else other than me, and if she did, I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t do it. I wanted to be the one to tell it, not someone who has awful intentions. Now she left me here. Great. There is absolutely no way I can just walk a shit load of miles and miles just to get home. I’m exhausted.

That was more drama then I ever wanted to handle.

Man.

Why is it I still feel bad about leaving Ava with a kid when she did all that other crap to me? It’s the only bad thing I ever did to Ava, and I still regret it.

I guess that reaction out of Vonia should’ve been expected.

I wiped my eyes and then allowed myself to drift off to sleep.

The thought past my mind, that I would soon see Nadia again.

I could’ve seen Nadia today…and Vonia could’ve too.

I don’t know if what I did was a mistake. I really don’t. If she leaves me, I’ll make sure I never fall for someone again.

I can’t believe she managed to get to me like this.

That girl, God, I love her.

I really am curious as to how Nadia is going to react to me wanting to being loyal and in sticking in a serious relationship.

She’ll probably laugh and say, “How unlike you Nate.”