Lack of Color.

Erin.

I stood there looking at this reflection in the mirror. The girl staring back at me was as white as snow, skinner than she use to. I almost didn’t recognize myself staring back at me. I splashed the cold water on my face, hoping that image would slide off, but there she stayed.

“You always take forever in there, shit!”

I didn’t answer my brother at the door, I guess he was back from doing whatever he was doing. I grabbed the last of the white snow, placing it to my nose sniffing back the rest of it. The remaining residue that was left on the sink was whipped with my fingers and brushed over my gums.

“Erin Marie Kirch, hurry the fuck up. I’m going to shit in my pants.”

I giggled to myself, before washing my hands in the sink. I took one last glance at myself in the mirror, my eyes looking more tired than before. I turned around, reaching for the knob and turning it. I saw Tim standing there, pacing the room making me even more anxious. He rushed passed me and locked himself in the bathroom. I just kept walking to my room, hoping no one would see me. I walked into my room, shutting and locking the door behind me, I turned around and saw john sitting at the edge of my bed, and I let out a scream holding on to my towel.

“Wo wo! It’s just me Erin”, he said standing up putting his arms out to help me keep my balance.

“What the fuck John?!”

“I just thought I could come and see you, I haven’t seen you in a week.”

“So you just waited out in my room to scare the living shit out of me.”

“Maybe”, he said and I could almost hear the smirk from his voice.

I reached into my drawer grabbing a pair of underwear, slipping it on under the towel. I let the towel fall as my back was to John. I could hear him shift and look the other way.

“So now I get a show.”

“Turn around John”, I said placing the bra on my body.

He just laughed as I continued to get dressed. I turned around and saw him facing the wall, which made me smile. I pulled over the shirt and just laughed.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

“I’m a respectable young man, can I turn around?”

“You may.”

He turned around looking me up and down, hoping that I was playing a trick on him. He sighed and leaned back in my bed as I took a seat on my computer chair.

“How was the radio shows?”

“It was a lot of fun, the kids were amazing.”

“I bet. I’m glad you’re having fun.”

“Me too, I feel happy”, he said smiling up at me. “I could thank you for that.”

“You’re welcome”, I said faking a smile in his direction. “But I want to take you somewhere.”

“Where to now?” he asked with a smile.

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah, you’re kind of scaring me.”

“Come on John.”

He just got up, following me out of my house and into my car. Lykke Li playing on the speakers, I just sang along as he tapped his fingers. Once we got closer I felt his eyes glaring in my direction. I could almost hear his heart beating at the same beat as the song playing on the radio. I parked the car, turning off the engine not looking over at him, just stepping out of the car waiting for him to get out. He had to do this all alone, I couldn’t force him. I leaned against the car for a good 20 minutes before he emerged from the car, the tears in his eyes were almost as visible as the ones in mine. I started walking first, knowing the way almost as well as the way to my house. I could hear John’s slow footsteps behind me, as I held the two daisies in my hand. I turned over to look at him and the tears streaming down his face were breaking my heart, all over again.

“Here”, I said handing the flower.

Our fingers grazing against each other, sending butterflies to my stomach making me want to throw up. I grabbed John’s hand leading him to the gravestone. I could feel his whole body shake into mine. I let go of his hand, leaning down beside the grave placing the flower on the ground.

“Hey baby girl, guess who I brought you”, I said through tears.

I felt John lean down next to me, placing his hands over the gravestone. I couldn’t bare looking over at him as he sniffed tears back. He placed the flower next to mine, before pressing his lips the stone in front of us.

“Hey Daisy”, I heard him say making the tears falls from my face at a more violent speed, my heart breaking a little bit.

“I’ll leave you two, John I’ll be at the car”, I said turning to him.

He just nodded his head and sat there, rubbing his hands over her name. I didn’t dare to touch him as I went back to the car. I could see him in the distance, watching as his lips moved and his hands reaching up to wipe at his face. My heart breaking, knowing he loved Emily and he would never love me like that. Me, of all people thinking about love. Thinking there was a possibility of me and John. I reach in my purse, pulling out the white snow I had just bought. I made a long line, cutting it perfectly against my dashboard. Grabbing the dollar bill that was in my cup holder, I rolled it up placing it to my nose before sniffing up the big line throwing my head back when I was done in disgust at what I have become. With my finger I whipped off the residue, hiding any evidence. I grabbed my sunglasses placing them on my face, watching as John stood up and started to make his way to me. Once he got in the car we didn’t exchange any words, we stayed in silence as I drove back to my house. Once I parked the car in the driveway John looked over at me, and I couldn’t look at him, especially in his eyes.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I asked looking forward at my hands on the wheel.

“Being there, helping me through this. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome”, I said looking over and giving me a weak smile.

He leaned over giving me a soft kiss on my cheek before getting out of the car. I sat there in awe, confusion was filling my head. I finally got out of the car and followed him to my room. We shut and locked the door before getting in my bed. Both our sunglasses off, his arms wrapped around my waist holding me close to him. We laid there, holding each other in the most innocent way. We lay there, not saying a word until we both fell asleep.