Danger Line

It was my second appointment with Dr. Thomas, my psychiatrist. Matt came along with me again because Dr. Thomas wanted to speak to him again. I was outside in the waiting room reading a magazine, or trying to. I was wondering what Matt was telling Dr. Thomas. I was getting more sleep, so that was an improvement. My body was almost used to the time zone. The nightmares were less frequent and I gained a bit of weight. I gained two pounds.

Would Matt tell Dr. Thomas about the scars on my back? I knew we had to tell him about my sleep walking, or sleep sex. I wished Eli was with me. I could really use his comforting words. The door of Dr. Thomas’ opened; he peeked his head out.

“Kari, could you please join us?” he asked nicely.

I closed the magazine and got up. I walked over to the door and walked inside. Matt was sitting down on a chair and I took the one next to him. He sent me a warm smile and I returned it. Dr. Thomas sat down in front of us.

“Kari,” he began, “Matt told me about your ‘sleep walking’,” he cleared his throat. “Has it happened again?”

“No,” I shook my head and glanced over to Matt. “I’m much more relaxed now. I sleep more.”

“Are you taking the pills?”

“No, they…. Um,” I licked my lips. “They did something to me. I couldn’t wake up and I felt very drowsy the next day. I stopped taking them.”

Dr. Thomas frowned. “I’d wish you would have called and informed me.”

“I didn’t see the harm,” I explained. “I’m better now.”

“She freaks out when there’s a loud noise,” Matt chimed in. I looked over to him. He didn’t look at me. “Damien dropped a plate on accident the other day and she ducked down and started to hyperventilate.”

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.

“Kari,” Dr. Thomas said my name and I looked up, “what was going through your head?”

“I barely remember it. I don’t even remember reacting. One second I’m standing and the next I’m on the floor with my knees to my chest.”

“Thank you, Matt, you can wait for her outside,” Dr. Thomas said and Matt stood up.

Matt pecked my cheek before he left. After he closed the door, Dr. Thomas flipped the page of his notebook.

“There is improvement, Kari, but you’re still a long way from recovery,” he started.

“I know that.”

“Let’s talk about what you’ve been doing, then,” Dr. Thomas sat up.

“I’ve been helping Matt with the new album for the band,” I smiled. “I think ever since I’ve started to help, I’ve improved. Being surrounded by music has helped me find a part of myself I missed.”

“You play an instrument?”

“Drums, piano and guitar,” I grinned. “I learned to drum because of my friend Jimmy, and I took piano classes as a kid. My dad taught me how to play the guitar and I picked up the electric guitar with my best friend Brian.”

“So music is a big part of your life.”

“It is,” I nodded.

Dr. Thomas smiled. “Then maybe it’s all the medication you need,” he joked. “Are you really sleeping better?”

“I think so. I don’t stay up as late, and I’m sleeping a lot more. I missed sleeping. I love sleeping.”

Dr. Thomas laughed. “It’s my favorite part of the day too. I’ll take you off the pills, but you still need to talk to me about what happened. You have to explain what you’re feeling to me… and to your husband.”

“Matt doesn’t need to know,” I frowned. “He… already saw my scars and that’s all he needs to see.”

“He suspects you’re in love with Eli.”

My body tensed. “Why would he think that?”

“You confide in Eli more than him, and it’s understandable considering what you two went through together. A bond formed with Eli and Matt doesn’t understand that.”

“And he couldn’t have just told me that?” I growled. “Why--ahem.” I stopped before I let my anger take over. “What did he tell you?”

“I think you two need couple’s counseling,” Dr. Thomas sighed. “It is clear that you two need to reopen the communication lines. You’re shutting him out.”

“Because I’m protecting him! If he found out what happened to me, he would be different! He would act different around me, and I don’t want that.”

“You should tell him that.”

“I can’t because then it would cause problems!” I half shouted.

“Kari, calm down,” Dr. Thomas said softly.

“I just don’t understand what he’s thinking! I feel so…. So…”

“Helpless.”

“Yes!”

“That’s exactly how he feels, Kari. His wife, his best friend, is suffering and confiding in someone else. He doesn’t know what to do because you won’t talk to him.”

“I need time! I’ve only been back shortly. He can’t expect me to be at full recovery in just two weeks! I still think I’m going to wake up in a cave sleeping on cold dirt. I fear every time I close my eyes. I hug my son for ten more seconds and give him an extra kiss in case everything is a dream!”

“And that is what you and Matt need to talk about in couple’s counseling. I’ve given Matt a number to a perfect counselor whom can help you two reconnect it.”

I wiped away the angry tears. “This is ridiculous.”

“This is necessary if you want to save your marriage.”

“I didn’t know I was on the verge of losing it.”

It wasn’t a surprise to Matt when I walked out of Dr. Thomas’ office and I didn’t even look at him. I didn’t look at him when we walked to the elevator, or when we were in the elevator. I avoided his gaze when we got in the car and he drove us back home. It was an off day from the studio.

I felt Matt was going to speak, so I turned up the music and turned to my window and looked outside. I couldn’t believe he would do that to me. Why couldn’t he just tell ME about what he thought about Eli? Did he think I lied about my sleep sex never going too far?

I needed time. It was still too early.

He needed to understand that. It would be months, years before I was back to the somewhat of the person I used to be.

Eventually we got to our home. He turned off the car and I unbuckled the seatbelt. I reached for the door handle, but Matt reached over and stopped me. I sat back and he pulled away his hand. I waited for him to say something.

“I had to tell him about… everything,” he said. “I want us to work.”

“I thought we were doing just fine,” I nearly growled. “Until now, Matthew.”

He groaned. “You only say my full name when you’re pissed.”

“I’m beyond pissed, Matthew! I can’t believe you think I can be the same again! Not after what I’ve been through! I can’t be the same Karina! I’ll be damaged for the rest of my life! Two years of torture will do that to you!”

“Tell me! I want to help you! You just need to tell me!”

“I can’t! I can’t without breaking down and right now I don’t feel like doing it!” I got out of the car before he could say anything else. I heard as he got out and followed me.

We walked inside of our home.

“But you can sure rely on Eli, right?!” he spat bitterly.

“He knows what I went through. I have no secrets with him.”

“And there shouldn’t be any with us! We’re the husband and wife.”

“I understand that you’re jealous, Matthew, but I love you. I returned to you because I love you. I stayed alive for you and Damien. I could have given up, but I didn’t! You need to give me time. You need to give me space!”

“You want me to leave?” he questioned.

“No!” I groaned. “I just want time! Please, it’s all I ask for. I’ve been doing good. Working with music is helping reconnect with that part of me that I love so much. Don’t take it away from me, Matt.”

His expression softened. “I have noticed you’re more yourself when we’re in the studio.”

“You know what music means to me. I want to continue helping you guys, but I won’t if you’re going to just do this to me. If you have questions or concerns, tell me.”

“Okay, I will. I don’t like how much trust you have Eli. I get that he was with you, but I’m your best friend. I’m supposed to be the one you lean on. I feel helpless when I hear you moan and groan in your sleep.”

I froze. “You can hear me?”

“Sometimes. When I can’t sleep, I can hear you.”

I licked my lips.

“You have to understand that Eli is a part of my life now. He’s a great guy.”

“I know he is, and that’s what worries me.”

I shook my head. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Matt seemed to have an internal battle with himself and then he finally shook his head.

“Never mind.”

“Tell me,” I encouraged.

His hazel eyes glistened. “I’m afraid you’ll… love him.”

I scoffed. “I do love him, but not the kind of love I have for you. Matt, Eli is as damaged as me. Two damaged people can’t be together and expect them to recovery. He needs his time and I need mind. I don’t plan to leave you for Eli.”

“So I shouldn’t worry?”

“You shouldn’t have doubted my love for you.”

Matt crossed the space between us and had his arms around me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m just so desperate to help you.”

“All I need is time, Matt.”

He kissed me with a passion that I felt to the core of me. His kiss was fire and I didn’t care if I burned. We had not kissed like this in so long, at least not that I remembered. Our kiss got hotter and then I was pressed against the wall. Matt’s body pressed against mine and his lips devoured mine.

My body tingle and felt the need to have more of him. My hands went under his shirt. I missed the warmth of the flesh. He moaned into the kiss when my hands caressed his chest and then went around his back where I raked my nails softly.

Matt’s hand went underneath my shirt. I gasped when I felt his rough hand caress my side. My heart stopped when he reached to my back and his finger brushed on a scar.

“I love you, everything about you, just the way you are,” he murmured. “I don’t care about anything else. All I know is that I still love you like I did almost twelve years ago. No,” he chuckled, “not the same. I love you more than I did then.”

His words warmed my heart and soul. It gave me a little bit of peace.

“Do you think those words are going to get you laid?” I chuckled.

He laughed. “Maybe. Did it work?”

I was about to answer yes when the phone started to ring.

“No, don’t answer,” Matt said when I tried to move away. “Answer the question.”

“It could be about Damien,” I pointed out.

He sighed and stepped back. “We’re not done here.”

I laughed and went to the house phone and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi, honey,” my mother said.

“Hola, mami,” I replied and looked over to Matt who had his eyes narrowed.

“I just wanted to know if you wanted me to pick up Damien?”

“No, Matt and I are going to pick him up.”

“Oh, okay. I also called your aunts and uncles to come so they can see you. They’re coming a long way so you can’t say no.”

I sighed. “I guess it’s fine.”

“It will be fun, mija, you’ll see. I love you.”

“I love you too, mami,” I said and placed the phone back.

When I placed the phone down, Matt had his arms around me. He pressed us close together.

“So, what’s your answer?” he said hotly in my ear.

“That we need to pick up our son in an hour,” I laughed.

“That’s more than enough.”

“Yeah, you just need one minute,” I joked. “No, seriously Matt, by the time we get to his school he will be out.”

I moaned when I felt his lips on my neck and he sucked on it and sooth it out with his tongue.

“You’re not getting away, Kari.”

I believed him.