Danger Line

“And now introducing for the first time Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Sanders!” the announcer said.

I watched in the TV screen as Matt and I walked out hand in hand. I wore a beautiful dress and my hair was styled perfectly. Everything about my wedding to Matt had been perfect. I had feared so much that everything would go wrong, but everything went wonderfully.

Our couple song was something really cheesy, but Matt sang it to me right after our first time together. I smile crept on my lips as I listened to the song and watched my former self so close to Matt. It was all in my eyes. I could see in my eyes how much I loved him.

Edwin McCain’s voice filled my ears and I felt my eyes water.

It all came rushing back to me the night at the motel.

“I’ll be your crying shoulder. I’ll be love suicide. I’ll be better when I’m older. I’ll be the greatest fan of your life,” Matt kissed a trail of kisses from my chest to my neck. A smirk on his lips when he saw me whither under his touch.

“Edwin McCain?” I questioned with a giggle. “Well, Matthew Charles Sanders, who knew you’d be such a romantic?”

“I love you, Kari,” he said truthfully. “I’ll always love you and I don’t care if I’m cliché about this. This is the greatest fucking day of my life.”

“Now, now,” I sat up. “How about when we get married? Or when we have children?”

“Hmm,” he pretended to think, “this will still be in my top three. The first time I made love to you.” He kissed me deeply and I groaned and succumbed. I wrapped my arms around him. We sank back down on the bed.

“I have another condom in my jean’s pocket,” I whispered seductively in his ear, biting down his earlobe.

He groaned. “God, yes.”

“Kari?” Matt asked from the bottom of the stairs.

I blinked and looked away from the TV. I tried sleeping, I did, but I didn’t want to scare anyone, especially Damien. My night terrors consisted of me screaming. I didn’t want to traumatize my child. So, I had gone to the living room and popped in old home movies.

Matt was only wearing boxers. He rubbed his eyes and blinked. He was confused and sleepy, what a cute combination.

I sat up and smiled. “Hello. I-uh… I couldn’t sleep. Jet lag.”

“Oh, right,” he nodded and licked his lips. “It’s eight in the morning. You didn’t sleep all night?”

I shook my head. “It’s all right. I’ll probably crash in a few hours. There is a twelve hour difference between here and the Middle East.

Matt’s eyes shifted to the TV. I paused the movie just when he and I kissed. I gazed back to Matt. He looked at the TV longingly. I stood up and wiped my hands on the sweats I was wearing.

“I’m going to wake up Damien for breakfast.”

“I’ll start making it,” he said.

“You cook?” I wondered.

“Of course. I had to learn,” he half smiled.

“Right, well, I’ll go wake him up.”

I headed upstairs to Damien’s room. He was already awake. I could hear him playing with his toys. I opened the door and walked in. He gasped and grinned from ear to ear.

“It wasn’t a dream!” he exclaimed and got up from the floor and ran to me. He hugged my legs tightly. “I thought it was a dream.”

“It’s not a dream, baby, I’m really back,” I crouched down and picked him up. “Let’s go watch daddy make breakfast.”

Damien wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his head on my shoulder.

“I love you, mommy,” he sighed.

“I love you too, baby.”

We found Matt in the kitchen beating the eggs in a bowl. I put Damien on a chair and went to Matt.

“Do you need help?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“I’ll go get the newspaper then,” I said and started to walk away.

“Mommy don’t go!” Damien yelled and jumped off the chair and came to my side at once. “Don’t go, please!”

“I’m only going to get the newspaper,” I stroked his hair back. He looked up at me with those eyes that just clenched my heart.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded. I looked to Matt. He was surprised as I was.

“Come with me then,” I took his hand. “We’ll go and come back together.”

We got the newspaper and came back. Matt served us breakfast, and from then on Damien didn’t leave my side. He wanted me to play with him and I did. We went to his room and we played with all of his toys. We spent the day together until my parents arrived.

Everyone was being patient. I knew they wanted to know what happened to me, and I would tell them. With time, I would. It was just too soon. But, I was thankful to have a patient family.

We spent the entire Saturday talking. Well, they talked and I listened to their stories. The guys and girls came over and it was a lot less tense between Matt and I.

He would try to hold my hand, and I would pull away. I just did. I knew it was bitchy of me. He thought I was dead for two years and by some miracle he gets me back and there I am rejecting him. But, I needed to be comfortable. I wasn’t.

A few hours in, and I was ready to go to sleep, and it was only three in the afternoon.

They understood and I went to the spare room I was staying at. I really hoped I wouldn’t have any nightmares. It would just kill the whole thing.

The weekend zoomed by fast.

On Sunday night, I stayed up watching the birth video of Damien. I saw myself as I screamed in pain. The doctor said I had to wait for the epidural and, as luck would have it, it was too late for the epidural and I had to do it old school.

It was painful, but I can barely recall that pain when I had two years of different kinds of pain.

My eyes watered when I heard Damien’s cries. Matt was behind the camera and narrating the whole thing. His voice was so soothing. The kind of voice every woman would wish a man could have. It was rough, yet smooth.

I rubbed my eyes when the tears fell. Matt had the camera on me as the doctor handed me Damien. I was so sweaty and red from all of the pushing. Yet, when I had Damien in my arms it was like the pain never existed.

I closed my eyes and remembered when Damien looked at me with his eyes. That quick connection between a mother and a son triggered and I knew I would do anything for my little boy. I would do anything to come back to my little boy. I opened my eyes again.

The video changed to when I was much better and with Damien in my arms. Matt was still behind the camera.

“The guys are coming over,” he said. “They want to meet the first addition to the Avenged family.”

“Warn Jimmy not to bring that stuff he said he was going to bring. It’s not good for the baby,” I warned Matt.

“Of course baby.”

The scene changed again to when the guys had arrived at the hostpial and they were all gathered around my bed. Johnny was now holding the camera while Matt and I were on the bed with our baby in my arms. We looked happy. We were happy. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I wanted to feel that again, but it was so hard to feel anything good anymore.

I feared I would be an empty shell forever. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be the old Kari. I wanted to have sex with my husband, but the thought of his hands going over my scars made me sick to my stomach.

The scene changed again to a few months ahead. It was a barbecue and this time Brian had the camera. He pointed it to the stove as I cooked the boys their burgers.

“Smells damn good, Kari,” he said, almost drooling.

I laughed. “Of course, I’m making it. Would you mind checking on Damien? Jimmy is with him and you know how he is.”

Brian headed upstairs. He opened Damien’s bedroom door and Jimmy had Damien in his hands holding him up wearing some kind of make up on his face and singing the begging of the Circle of Life song from the Lion King.

I smiled at that. I forgot about that.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Brian hissed.

“Uh welcoming Damien Charles Sanders into the world, duh!”

I stopped the video. I had to go to sleep, or pretend because Matt, and I were going to take Damien to school.

I turned off the TV and headed upstairs. I realized I was going to the room with Matt. I almost laughed at myself. My feet were the ones who took me there. I turned on my heel and headed the other way. Hopefully I would get a few hours of sleep.