Change of Heart

After sitting on my bed, staring off into the distance, for about ten minutes, an idea overtook me. Quickly, I stood up and started for the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Soda asked. He was sitting on the couch, his eyes colored with worry. Ponyboy was sitting next to him, giving me a look like he didn't know what to think.

"Out," I answered before disappearing out the door. All I could think about was getting to Dally. And there was only one place I knew he'd be tonight.

The second I spotted the house I knew was Buck's, I had a flashback from the last time I was in Tulsa. It was weird, some of the things I remembered from childhood. Anyway, it was Darry, telling Pony, Soda, Johnny, and me about Buck's house, what he'd found out about that place.

"Don't ever go near there. Lots of bad stuff goes on there," Darry started to explain, trying to make our young minds comprehend what he was trying to say, considering the fact that he couldn't be too specific, since we didn't know more than half the things that went on at parties, while he did. "And Buck's mean and likes to get drunk. Don't get caught within a mile of that place, hear me, guys?"

We'd all nodded, understanding him clearly. Only when Darry was convinced that we'd all be careful, he let us all walk to the DX. Even then, he tried to look out for us and make sure that we weren't going to get hurt, despite the fact that his parents were there for that too.

Thinking of Darry made me move faster toward the door. I knocked on the door harshly, trying to make someone answer. After three times of hitting the door so hard that I thought my knuckles were going to split open, a guy answered, who I assumed was Buck.

He was tall and thin, with gangly limbs and curly blonde hair. When he looked me up and down dramatically, he grinned widely, revealing that he had no front teeth. I could hear Hank Williams playing in the background, which just about made me want to puke.

"And who," Buck questioned, still staring at my chest, "are you?"

I didn't understand that, since my chest wasn't particularly big, but when I spoke, my voice was so harsh that his eyes went right back to my face. "I'm looking for Dally."

"Whoa. Did he rob you or something?"

"No. Just get him for me, would ya?" I crossed my arms and gave him an angry glare. I remember someone (probably Dally) saying that the only way to get through to Buck Merril, especially when he was drunk, was to bully him and be as rude as possible.

After looking at me for another minute, trying to figure out my motive, Buck turned around and folded back into the crowd. I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that I was one step closer to where I wanted to be.

"Soph?" Dally asked when he arrived at the door. He looked confused, and his eyes were slightly hazy, letting me know that he had already had a bit to drink.

"Yeah. I said I'd come, didn't I?" Instead of letting him step to the side so I could walk in, I decided to walk in myself.

"I think you said that you wouldn't come tonight."

"Changed my mind," I responded, having to yell in order for him to hear me. "What kind of music is this? Hank Williams' music is shit."

"You don't have to tell me," Dally mumbled in my ear. I hadn't noticed that he'd gotten that close, but I didn't care.

I made a beeline for the keg and got myself some beer. As I took a sip, the carbonation filled my nose and the taste made me want to gag, but I knew that alcohol was what was going to numb the intense anger, pain, and guilt I was feeling. At the time, I wasn't thinking about the consequences, only that the beer was going to help.

"You drink?" Dally's eyes got wide and I brought the cup again to my mouth.

After I took another gulp, I shook my head. "Not really."

"Then why are you...?" He didn't seem to understand the concept. God, part of the reason I chose to hang out with Dally was because I knew that he wouldn't want explanations for everything, like anyone else would. If I had figured that he'd give me a friggin' twenty-questions session, I would have gone to a party by myself or something.

"I just have to, okay?" I snapped. Another sip, and my pain was numbed a tad more.

"Whoa, slow down. You're gonna make yourself throw up."

I made a show of taking another sip slowly. "I'll be fine."

"Have you even ever drank beer before?" Dally's eyes showed that he already knew what my answer was going to be, but I answered him anyway.

"Actually, Mr. Know-It-All, I have."

Talking about it made me remember the last time I had. I was with some friends at a sleepover, and she stole some cans from her fridge that belonged to her parents. I drank a sip of beer, which I absolutely hated. Sure, it wasn't a lot of drinking, but technically, I wasn't lying.

"Oh, have you? I'm shocked." Dally mocked being so surprised that he was about to faint.

"Shut up. I'm not so goody-two-shoes," I told him. My words were beginning to slur, and I took solace in that. That meant that everything I was feeling was only a few sips from being diminished.

"Oh, sure you're not," Dally patronized sarcastically. Obviously I wasn't a goody-two-shoes if I was here, at this gross party, drinking beer and doing, basically, everything that my parents and Darry had told me not to do ever since I was little.

Darry. I took another gulp of my beer.

Dally took it out of my hand and took a sip before putting it down on a table and leaning forward to kiss me. It was wild and it was like I couldn't have a coherent thought.

Though there was still that nagging thought in the back of my head that the last time this happened, people got hurt.

Pulling myself away from Dally, I grabbed my beer off the table and took a big gulp, finishing off the huge glass. My head was buzzing, and it was awesome. Nothing could affect me, no pain inside at all.

Dally pulled me back close to his body. He was obviously noticing that I was not myself and couldn't even think straight. His lips connected with mine once again and my hands tangled in his un-greased hair.

"Come on," he urged, his breathing a little heavy. He took my hand and led me to the staircase. I was only vaguely aware of what was happening with me.

It's fuzzy, but I remember Dally leading us into a bedroom and shutting the door behind me. I thought briefly about the fact that Dally was a lot more sober than I was, but it was fleeting.

Dally led me back on the bed and kissed me intensely. The flies were invading my head, but it wasn't so much that I couldn't smell of smoke, beer, and sweat that was filling my nostrils. It made me gag inwardly, but I was still aware of Dally on top of me.

Then, his hands started playing with the bottom hem of my shirt. This, at first, didn't alert me at all, since I was too slow to realize what was happening. Slowly, he started to lift it so my stomach was exposed.

That smartened me right up. "No," I shook my head. "No, no. That's...no."

Dally was so surprised that he sat out and stared at me blankly for a second. "No?"

"No. No. That's not what I wanted to do."

"Then why did you come here?" His eyes were blazing, and it was obvious that he thought the only reason I'd come here was to get away from the Curtis brothers so that we could... but I didn't want that. I only wanted to dull my pain, which I'd done. That was, until that little epiphany.

"Just get me more beer," I ordered in a gasp.

I heard him grumble something and get up. When the door shut behind him, I fell back on the bed, closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Just a little more beer would do the trick.