I'm Missing You Again

[Month 4, day 1, week 1]
After going out with Val to a variety of stores, I asked if we could stop by my house just to drop off the few things I had. She had no problem with it, and we were at my house within minutes.

"Um, you could stay here, I'll only be a few minutes. I have to go to the bathroom too." She nodded.

I walked in, dropped the bags on the floor, and ran over to the bathroom down the hall. I held onto the sink, and closed my eyes, refusing to look up at my reflection with the knowledge of what I was planning on doing next. I hadn't done what was on my mind in a while. I had figured I stopped it for good a few months back, but I don't think the desire ever goes away. But I didn't like it; I barely knew when it was ok to stop at times because I felt like I was loosing my mind. I think that was the appeal to me. I could lose my mind, and maybe lose my life if I went deep enough someday if I were to act on pure emotion. I didn't think I was suicidal, but I don't think that I would care so much if I were to die, especially if it weren't registering with me. I could barely remember the days were I would spend a good while making the white sink in my bathroom crimson with blood. One reason for that was because I had tried to block out any bad memory, but at this point in my life, what was a bad memory? There were good memories that caused me pain, were they considered bad memories? But I knew I had to stop what I had been doing, or I was more forced to stop once my friends found out.

I shook my head clear of all those thoughts and tidbits of memory, "Stop, you can't do this. It's ridiculous, bad, and you know you can't do it. Val's waiting too, and you can't have anyone get suspicious." I closed my eyes tighter, and brought my hands up to my face. Tears were starting to form, but I tried everything to stop that.

My hands slammed onto the mirror of the medicine cabinet and ripped it open. I searched frantically for a razor of sorts to use. I had gotten rid of the old one when I thought I was able to stop, and resorted to tearing apart regular razors to get a blade if I ever needed one. Pill bottles and medicine of all sorts were falling into the sink along with anything else my clumsy hands were pushing out of the way.

Once I had reached a clean new razor, I examined it for a few seconds before breaking it apart to use one of the sharp, shiny metal blades. I held it in my hand, and continued to stare at it, eyes wide with fear, sadness, and a desire to just lose myself to emotion again and forget every other feeling of pain I had. Most of me wanted to set it down and walk away. However, there was a small part of me that wouldn't allow that to happen.

I looked at my reflection, and noticed I had a slightly crazed look on my face. I threw everything into the garbage, including the sharp, shiny new blade, and instead leaned against the wall, bringing my hands to the side of my head and letting out a scream of frustration that I almost couldn't believe came from me.

Breathing heavily, I started to calmly put back what had fallen out of the cabinet. The tears were hot against my face, but I ignored them for the most part. Although my pain felt worse than before, I was proud that I had prevented myself from doing anything harmful. It proved I was getting somewhere with myself, and not just taking two steps forward and three steps back. By my standards, I was accomplishing something huge.

After I got my breathing back to normal, I walked back out to go back to the car. Hopefully I looked ok, hopefully Val wouldn't be able to somehow know how I felt, hopefully I could just push this all to the back of my head, for tonight's sake. I refused to let anything ruin tonight, because I at least owed my friends a good night together. If Val was right, and their worry for me was growing each day, then I knew that by having fun for the night would be what's best.

"Hey, everything's ok? You took a while." She looked at me, studying my eyes. I forced yet another smile.

"Of course. I'm sorry about that, I put a few things away too, like dishes that needed to be cleaned and everything." She nodded and pulled out of the driveway.

I looked out the window at Huntington Beach, and watched as people went along their life. I didn't think much about them, but thought more about how I wish I could do that. I felt like I was stuck in life while everyone else moved forward. I also felt empty, like moving on in life would mean doing everything I had to, but without any heart. Currently, I was just going through the motions of living, without really living. But that wasn't moving on. I was still stuck, and I've been the same shell of a person I have been ever since I heard about Jimmy being found dead.

"Kay," Val tore me out of my thoughts as I looked from the window to her, "I really hope you're doing alright. Listen, Jimmy was one of my best friends, and it still hurts me a lot. It hurts everyone. We were really close, I took care of him like a brother, like I did with the other guys, and even when I didn't know you that well once you guys started dating, I still cared about you as much as I cared about him because you meant that much to him. I knew him for a while before you two met, and when you did, he would talk about you a bit to me. He really did feel strongly about you, ever since the start. He always wanted to make sure he was making you happy, and hated to see you anything but, pretty much. He even annoyed me a bit when he asked about what to do after a little fight you guys would have." She chuckled a bit to herself.

"He never knew how to apologize to you, he was always a bit worried you would just be too mad. I remember one time..." I noticed her smile fade just a bit, "but even now I'm sure he's definately watching you closely, and feeling terrible because seeing you upset tears him apart. He's probably a bit angry that we're all so upset over him, thinking that it's really no big deal. I know you're trying, I can tell I've known you for almost as long as you've known everyone else. I'm just trying to tell you I'm going to make sure you get better, because I'll be damned if I ever let Jimmy or you, or anyone down."

I smiled, a genuine smile, and let the tears fall down my face for what felt like the millionth time today, "Val, you're amazing. You always have been, even before I met you I heard stories about how freaking awesome you were. Thank you so much, for just being who you are. You have no idea how much you've helped me. I don't know how I could ever, ever thank you for always being there for me whenever I needed you." She waved it off.

"No need to thank me. I am who I am, and I just do what I feel I should. There's no reason to thank me for anything. Just know that it's not only me that's helping you. Everyone else is here for you whenever you need us." I nodded.

"I'm glad you pulled me out of bed today."

"I am too."