You're the Light on the Dark Side of Me

I woke early, I didn’t even remember if I had slept but I didn’t care. It was the day of Jared’s funeral and I was feeling empty. Shannon would come to pick me up but I wasn’t ready for the pitiful eyes and the sorrows from everyone who was going to attend and pretend they knew Jared although they didn’t, only a very few selection of people really knew him.

I put on a black simple dress and a pair of black heels and I went down the stairs where my mom and dad where waiting. My mom had been trying to cheer me up for the past few days but I didn’t want to be cheered up though it wasn’t her fault and she was killing herself for not being able to take me out of the depression she was afraid I would get into. Shannon arrived earlier than expected and he was like me, painfully silent. He took my arm in his and he opened the car’s door so I went by his side, my parents went behind us in our family car.

The coffin was being carried in front of me as I went side by side with my dad. I didn’t hear the words that the priest was reading from the bible, I was focused on the coffin and the coffin only, my grip on the rose I was carrying got tighter and I felt my hand bleed because of the thorns.

People started standing up and placing flowers on top of the coffin as it started being buried. After it was completely buried I placed my rose on top of the stone, I started feeling rain drops fall on my head and shoulders and I sighed. I loved rain and now I could use it to feel alive.

“Are you okay?” Shannon asked standing by my side staring at the grave stone in front of us.

“I’ll be. Are you ready to leave?” I asked.

“I think so. Let’s go.” Shannon said giving the gravestone a last look and then we exited the cemetery.

“I promise to call.” Shannon said.

“Alright. Stay safe okay? Drop by wherever you want.” I said hugging him tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Shannon whispered.

I didn’t say anything but I didn’t question him about it either, he needed me and I needed him and that’s was all that mattered.

~~The next day~~

I didn’t want to open my eyes, I didn’t want to stand up because if I did everything would become real and I was scared of reality. I rather hide inside of my bed than face the fact that I’m alone, more alone than ever. I might have my parents and my friends around but there’s a spot that will be forever empty and hurting.

I felt the tears run down my face like they had been doing for the past days and I sobbed again holding onto my favorite picture of Jared, one that we took on the beach when the sun was setting. I cried harder holding onto it tighter but not smashing it or ripping it.

I stood up slowly not recognizing myself, if Jared saw me like this he would probably explode on me, he didn’t like to see me cry especially because of him. But now I wanted to cry and I needed to.

“WHY?!” I yelled throwing my pillow to the opposite side of my room.

“Honey?” My mom said running up the stairs, opening the door.

I was sitting on the bed with various pictures against my chest as the tears streamed down my face dropping in my legs.

“Patsy…” She sighed sitting beside me, pulling me into her.

“Mom what will I do without him?” I cried out.

“Dance.” She said after a moment a silence while caressing my face.

~~1 week later~~



I went down the stairs to find the house empty, I fell onto the couch and I started seeing “Lost” just to pass my time.

Shannon had been calling everyday which made me slightly happier. I hadn’t seen Colin since the funeral, Matt and Tomo had showed up in different days and they had been helping me a lot while Danny just called since she had a new job.

My parents had been trying their best to keep me busy and not thinking about Jared but it’s very difficult. The dreams I have don’t help and the fact that I recall everything that we used to do every single day just makes me miss him. I remind myself constantly about what Jared and I did on our first date, the stuff we gave each other on birthdays and everything we went through. I know it’s kind of depressive but I can’t help it, every time I think about him my heart almost explodes and sinks at the same time, I don’t have strength to cry anymore although I want to.

I went to find my phone on my jeans pocket when I found a card “Dr. Robert Downey Jr. -- Psychologist.” I titled my head to the side because I didn’t remember having that card on my pocket. The main door to the house opened and my dad appeared with a small smile.

“Are you thinking about going?” My dad asked.

“I don’t know. I’m not crazy.” I smiled weakly.

“Psychologists aren’t for crazy people, honey he might help you overcome Jared’s death.” My dad explained.

“Maybe.” I said looking away from the card.

I went to my room and the first thing I saw where my ballet slippers, I sat in front of them observing them. I didn’t feel like dancing, who would I dance for? Then I remembered the audition, I could receive their decision at any moment but I wasn’t excited about it.

It was my dream but it had no purpose anymore.

I tried I really did but dancing felt empty. For me dancing was about having fun but also expression my feelings, I was afraid to just start and end up on the floor curled into a ball.

“Paty! Shannon’s here!” My dad yelled from downstairs.

I made my body stand up and I went down the stairs trying to seem happier.

“Sis.” Shannon said in a sad tone.

I took a good look at him and he seemed devastated to be honest, his eyes were heavy and the smile I loved on his face wasn’t there. It hurt me to see him like this when his hand caressed my cheek.

“You look tired.” He said.

“You look older.” I said trying to make him move or something.

“Older?!” He said with a surprised look, widening his eyes making me giggle.

“For your information Miss Valentine, I’m the youngest person around.” He said proudly.

“Don’t forget about me.” I chuckled as he turned to me smiling.

“Honey.” My dad called.

“Yes dad?” I asked peeking into the kitchen.

“A letter came for you this morning I think it is from some school.” He said handing it to me as my eyes locked with Shannon’s.

I opened the white envelop carefully and I took the only piece of paper out. I read it once and then again and then again until the message stuck in my head.

“I was accepted in N.Y’s school.” I said looking at Shannon with an emotionless expression.

“That’s awesome!” He cheered pulling me into a tight hug though I didn’t share his enthusiasm.

“I don’t want to go.” I said holding onto him.

“What? It’s your dream, the only thing you’ve been talking about for years and the only thing that made you get up early!” He said pulling away and making me look into his eyes.

“I’m afraid I can’t dance anymore.” I said feeling hurt.

“You have to try and listen carefully never and I mean never give up.” Shannon said pointing his index finger at me seriously.

Then a moment of silence took over us and I felt like Shannon had something to say.

“Promise me something will you sis?” He said.

“Anything.” I said.

“Promise to always be yourself wherever you are and somehow learn with all of this.” He said worriedly.

“Shannon why do I have a feeling in my guts that something is about to happen?” I asked.

“Because it really is. I’m leaving” Shannon said nervously.

“When? Where to?!” I asked.

“Tomorrow. I don’t know where but I’m just going, I need to go Paty.” Shannon said trying to make me understand.

“You can’t go.” I said hugging Shannon as if my life depended on it. I felt him hug me back as he sighed deeply, tears going down our faces.

“If you leave this place please don’t leave me behind. Take me with you.” I whispered.

“You have a future. You have to stay. You need to move on. Forget me, forget Jared.” Shannon said pulling away from me as he started for the door of my house.

“Why are you doing this?” My voice almost came like a desperate yell as I ran behind him and grabbed his arm before he reached his car.

His eyes were full of tears and guilt.

“I hope I can tell you someday. I love you Paty.” Shannon said kissing my forehead deeply and then disappearing in his car.

I officially hated goodbyes. I headed upstairs and I stared again at my ballet slippers, I put them on carefully and very slowly. This was a very difficult process that I was taking easily because I didn’t want to cry, I was tired. I stood up breathing out calmly, I did the beginning warming up so my feet wouldn’t hurt afterwards but when I turned my stereo on, “Love’s Divine” by Seal started and I stopped myself, my mind overflowing itself with memories.
That was one of our songs. That was the first song that was on when Jared asked me to be his girlfriend and ever since it became our song for everything, even when he gave me the silver ring, that we both used he put the song on purpose.

I wanted to hit myself so badly but somehow I found the strength inside of me and I tried to dance but I felt my chest close itself and my lungs contract, I was crying again so I stopped and I reached for the psychologist’s card. If I was crazy at least I was going to cry my eyes out in a stranger’s couch.